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2014-06-03    来源:向Anne提问    【      美国外教 在线口语培训


Dear Annie: How do you handle working for someone who constantly rips apart everything you do or say? I was really excited to get hired eight months ago at this company (I've always wanted to work here), but my dream job has turned into a nightmare. The reason is my boss, who is never satisfied with anything. At first, I thought it was just me, so I tried harder and harder to please him. But after a while I realized that, when I do a task exactly as he requested it, he still tears it to shreds and leaves me feeling like an idiot.

I'm apparently not the first person to get this treatment from him. A colleague told me I am the ninth person to hold this job in the past six years, because my predecessors all quit. I'd rather not do that, but he's stressing me out so badly that I can't sleep and dread coming to the office in the morning. Help! — Desperate in Dallas

Dear Desperate: Yikes. First of all, accept the fact that this boss is not going to change. "People with a personality type we call 'controlling perfectionist' are impossible to please, so don't be fooled into thinking that, if you just try hard enough, you'll win his approval," says Alan Cavaiola, a professor of counseling psychology at Monmouth University who co-wrote a whole book about this, called Impossible to Please: How to Deal With Perfectionist Coworkers, Controlling Spouses, and Other Incredibly Critical People.(Impossible to Please: How to Deal With Perfectionist Coworkers, Controlling Spouses, and Other Incredibly Critical People)For what it's worth, your boss is probably a very unhappy guy. "Controlling perfectionists grew up feeling inferior themselves," Cavaiola says and, in a variation of the Stockholm Syndrome, "they adopt the worldview of whoever criticized them incessantly as children, usually a psychologically abusive parent.
亲爱的绝望者:唉!首先,接受现实吧,你的上司不会有任何改变。蒙莫斯大学(Monmouth University)咨询心理学教授艾伦•卡瓦伊奥拉认为:“具有‘控制型完美主义’性格的人不可能对任何事情满意。所以,别傻了,不要以为自己只要足够努力,就能得到他的认可。”卡瓦伊奥拉曾与人合作出版过一本与此相关的书,名为《无法取悦:如何应对完美主义的同事、具有控制欲的配偶和其他吹毛求疵的人》无论如何,你的上司可能是一位非常不快乐的人。“控制型完美主义者源自他们内心的自卑,”卡瓦伊奥拉说。他将这种性格与斯德哥尔摩综合症进行了对比,“他们的世界观,会受到儿童时期经常批评他们的人的影响,通常是在心理上有虐待倾向的家长。”

"These are people who are miserable," he adds. "And misery loves company." That doesn't mean, however, that you have to let this boss make you as unhappy as he is. Cavaiola recommends five strategies for coping:

1. Don't take his constant carping personally. Easier said than done, of course, but bear in mind that eight people before you quit this job, so clearly the problem is not you. You'll be much less stressed if you can keep some emotional distance. Practice reminding yourself that this is just the way he is. Rather than absorbing his wrath (and feeling "like an idiot," as you say), try to let it bounce off you.
1. 不要把他经常性的吹毛求疵放在心上。当然,说起来容易做起来难。但你要记住,之前已经有八个人辞职了,所以,很明显问题并不在你身上。如果你能够保持一定的情感距离,你所承受的压力也会大大减少。经常提醒自己,这就是他的做事方式。不要被他的愤怒同化(更不要像你说的那样,“感觉自己是个傻瓜”),而是要努力避开他的愤怒情绪。

2. Never respond to his rants in kind. "Stay cool, calm, and collected," Cavaiola advises. "Some controlling perfectionists take pleasure in getting other people riled up, so lashing out or being defensive just makes them worse."
2. 永远不要以同样的方式回应他的责骂。“保持冷静、平静和泰然自若,”卡瓦伊奥拉建议。“许多控制型完美主义者以激怒其他人为乐趣。所以,无论是猛烈还击,还是自我防卫,都只会让情况更加糟糕。”

3. Get positive feedback from other sources. "No matter how many hoops you jump through, it will never be enough for this person," says Cavaiola. "Trying to deal with this in isolation will eventually destroy your self-confidence." So get support elsewhere. Cavaiola recommends finding a mentor or two, inside or outside your company, to give you the encouragement and constructive criticism you're not getting from your boss.
3. 通过其他渠道获得积极反馈。卡瓦伊奥拉说:“不论你通过了多少考验,证明了自己的能力,对你的上司来说,永远都是不够的。如果想靠自己单枪匹马来解决这个问题,最终只会让你的自信消耗殆尽。”所以,尝试从其他渠道获得支持。卡瓦伊奥拉建议,从公司内部或外部寻找一两位导师,让他们给你提供从上司那里无法获得的鼓励和建设性的批评意见。

"You also need someone you can vent with," such as a mate or a friend, "as a sounding board and a reality check," he adds. In fact, Cavaiola and his co-author Neil Lavender, who are both practicing shrinks, decided to write Impossible to Please (and a previous book, Toxic Coworkers) because they found themselves playing this role for so many of their patients with hypercritical bosses.
他补充道:“你还需要一个能让你发泄的人,”比如配偶或朋友,“作为倾听者,你可以通过他们获得共鸣并进行现状核实,来纠正上司对你的偏见。”实际上,身为精神病医师的卡瓦伊奥拉与尼尔•兰文德之所以决定撰写《无法取悦》【以及之前的《有毒的同事》(Toxic Coworkers)】等书籍,是因为他们发现,对于上司总是吹毛求疵的许多患者来说,他们一直都在扮演倾听者这样一个角色,借此积累了写作素材。

4. Don't suffer in silence. "Let someone else in the organization know that you're unhappy with how you're being treated," Cavaiola suggests. "Ask that the information be kept confidential, and don't expect any action in the short term. But chances are good that you're not the only one having problems with this person. If enough people complain, decision-makers may take notice." Which brings us to No. 5 …
4. 不要默默承受。卡瓦伊奥拉建议:“让公司内的其他人知道,你对于自己受到的待遇非常不满。要求对方对这一信息保密,也不要指望在短期内采取任何措施。不过,有可能不止你一个人对这位上司有意见,如果有足够多的人抱怨,决策者们可能就会注意到问题所在。”而这就涉及到我们要说的第五条。

5. Don't give up. "Over time, controlling perfectionists tend to rankle many people both above and below them, and to burn bridges, which sets the stage for their leaving or being let go," Cavaiola observes. "So hang in there. Maintain your focus on your work and try to outlast him."
5. 不要放弃。卡瓦伊奥拉发现:“随着时间的推移,控制型完美主义者会令上级和下级都心生怨恨,进而自断退路,他们注定必然得离开,或者被辞退。所以一定要坚持下去。把注意力放到工作上去,努力比他留在公司的时间更久。”

If all else fails, since you've always wanted to work for this company, don't quit (yet). Start looking around for somewhere else you could move to within the organization. The odds are pretty good that just about any other manager in the place would be better than this one.

Talkback: Have you ever worked for a controlling perfectionist? How did you handle it? Leave a comment below.

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