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学会说“不”,设定界线

2014-08-27    来源:财富网    【      美国外教 在线口语培训

不管是对于个人生活,还是对职业发展而言,修建“好篱笆”,或者设定界线,都是最重要的技能之一。而“好篱笆”最重要的意义之一就是,能对我们不喜欢,或对我们个人或职业发展没有益处的人、活动和约定勇敢拒绝的能力。

Everyone knows the adage: good fences make good neighbors. Basically, it means to set firm boundaries. By setting boundaries, we find the freedom to behave in our best interest, with fewer distractions and fewer unwanted intrusions. This is even more important in our digital age, where there are so many people vying for our attention and so many ways to be distracted.
有句众所周知的谚语:有了好篱笆,才有好邻居。这句话的根本意思是要设定牢固的界线。设定好界限后,令人分心的琐事和意想不到的干扰就会少很多,我们就可以自由地从事符合自身最佳利益的事情。这在数字时代尤为重要,因为在数字时代,有太多人在争抢我们的注意力,我们不得不面对各种各样的干扰。

Building good fences—setting boundaries—is one of the most important skills to master for both personal and professional growth. And one of the most important aspects of a good fence is the ability to say no to the people, activities and engagements that we do not enjoy or that do not advance us personally or professionally. When you say no to the things that don’t help you, you are, in effect, saying yes to the things that will. By saying no, you open up the space necessary for yes.
不管是对于个人生活,还是对职业发展而言,修建“好篱笆”,或者设定界线,都是最重要的技能之一。而“好篱笆”最重要的意义之一就是,能对我们不喜欢,或对我们个人或职业发展没有益处的人、活动和约定勇敢拒绝的能力。你拒绝对自己没有帮助的事情,实际上就是在赞成对你有帮助的事情。拒绝,也是给对你有益的事情开辟必要的空间。

For most of us, saying no is exceedingly difficult. We seem to say yes to everything. I think one of the reasons we find it so hard to say no, especially as women, is that we want to be liked. We want to be seen as team players. We want to be included. We don’t want to hurt feelings by closing our door or, God forbid, saying no to someone or something. We say yes to too many things maybe out of guilt or maybe to prove that we can do it all.
对于大多数人而言,拒绝非常困难。我们似乎对所有事情都在说“是”。在我看来,我们,尤其是女性,之所以认为拒绝非常困难,原因之一是我们希望被别人喜欢。我们希望被看成是善于团队合作的人。我们想融入团队。我们不想因为拒绝某个人或某件事而伤害对方的感情。我们之所以对太多事情说“是”,或许是出于愧疚,抑或是为了证明自己无所不能。

Whatever the psychological back story, whatever the reason, the fact remains that saying yes to too many things is overwhelming and counterproductive. By saying yes to too many things, we may be saying no to some very important things. If our plate is too full, there’s no room for the unexpected or ideal opportunity. If our fences aren’t strong, everything gets in.
不论这背后有怎样的心理因素,也不论有怎样的理由,对太多的事情说“是”,会令你疲于应付,甚至产生适得其反的效果。对太多事情说“是”,可能意味着我们要对一些非常重要的事情说“不”。如果我们的时间安排得太满,哪里还有空间去容纳意想不到或梦寐以求的机会?如果我们的“篱笆”不够牢固,就会有各种不速之客闯进来。

We have to build good fences and resolve to say yes only to the things we enjoy, that advance our careers, or that don’t distract us from our goals.
我们要修建“好篱笆”,要下定决心只对自己喜欢的、有利于职业发展或不会令我们分心的事情说“是”。

Here are seven tips to help you say no:
以下七条建议将帮助你学会说“不”:

Implement a 24-hour pause period.Give yourself 24 hours before accepting any invitations, professional or personal. You don’t have to give an answer right away! Think about what you will get out of it, if it’s worth your precious time, and if it’s something you really want to do. Also consider what is already on your plate? Will you have to give something up?
执行24小时的暂停期。在接受任何工作或个人邀请之前,给自己24个小时。你不需要马上回复。考虑一下你能从邀请中得到什么,它是否值得你拿出宝贵的时间,是否是你真正想要做的事情。还要考虑一下自己已经接受了哪些任务?你是否不得不放弃某些事情?

For example, when you have received an invitation, simply say: “Thank you for the invitation. Let me check my schedule and think about it, and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” If it is something you really want to do but simply can’t, be sure to convey that: “Thank you so much for the invitation. I can’t do that right now, but I would love to serve in the future, and I hope you will keep me in mind for future events/projects.”
例如,收到邀请时,你可以这样说:“感谢您的邀请。但我要查看一下日程安排,并且考虑一下。我会在明天给您回复。”如果这确实是你想做的事情但你却无法参加,一定要表达出这样的意思:“非常感谢您的邀请。我现在无法参加,但我希望未来能够有机会。希望未来有活动或项目的时候,您还能想到我。”

Say no with grace and authority.We know how to say yes, but we don’t know how to say no, and we often go down a rabbit hole of excuses, especially if it’s something we don’t want to do. If you’ve thought about the invitation and the answer is no, decline gracefully but authoritatively. Here’s how to do it without twisting yourself in a knot of excuses and guilt:
要得体且果断地拒绝。我们知道如何说“是”,却不知道如何说“不”,尤其是面对我们确实不想做的事情时,我们通常会编造一个又一个借口。如果你考虑过对方的邀请,并且答案是否定的,一定要得体且果断地拒绝。用下面的方式,将使你不必再为找借口而纠结,也不必受愧疚感的折磨:

If you really don’t want to do it:“Thanks for the invitation. I’m afraid I will not be able to make it/accept/serve on your committee, but I really appreciate you thinking of/including me.”
如果你确实不想做这件事:“感谢邀请。恐怕我做不到/无法接受/无法在您的委员会任职,但我非常感谢您能想到/邀请我。”

If the person presses you for a reason, say: “I’m just not able to make it, but thanks so much.”
如果对方追问原因,可以这样说:“我只是没办法做这件事,但还是非常感谢。”

If they really press, say:“I have so many other things on my plate/in the pipeline that I am simply not available. But thank you.”
如果对方继续坚持,可以这样回答:“我现在有太多事情要做,所以没有时间。但还是非常感谢。”

Do not offer maybes, half-steps, or specifics. And you don’t have to lie—it’s not a lie to say that there are other things on your plate or in the pipeline.
不要说一些模棱两可、半推半就的话,或者讲一些具体的原因。你不能撒谎——而告诉对方有其他事情要做,并不是撒谎。

Now, if you would actually like to accept the invitation but cannot, and you want to stay on that person’s radar, make that clear:
如果你确实想接受邀请但却身不由己,同时又希望留在对方的关系网内,要向对方说清楚:

“Thank you so much for the invitation. I would love to do it/serve/get involved, but I just can’t right now. I hope you will think of me again.”
“感谢您的邀请。我很想做这件事/接受这个职务/参与此事,但我现在确实无能为力。我希望您以后还会再次想到我。”

Honest, simple, straight forward.
诚实,简单,直接。

Simplify your commitments. Resign from boards, committees, organizations, or commitments that are not value added. If you don’t enjoy it, aren’t fulfilled by it, or it doesn’t help you personally or professionally, stop doing it. Make sure each commitment is meaningful and worth your time. And “just for fun” is A-OK in my book.
减少承诺。辞去那些不能带来额外价值的董事会、委员会、组织职务或承诺。如果你不喜欢某件事,不能从中得到满足感,或者它对个人生活或职业没有任何帮助,那就不要再去做它。要保证每一项承诺都是有意义的,值得你付出时间。当然,“纯粹为了乐趣”也是不错的。

Create white space on your calendar. Say no to those lunch dates, dinners, or events you don’t enjoy. You know exactly which ones I’m talking about.
在日程安排中保留一些空白。勇于拒绝自己不喜欢的约会、晚餐或活动。你很清楚我说的是哪些约会。

Minimize meetings. Say no to meetings that aren’t essential. Do you really need to go? Is it critical for you to be there? Again, weigh it against your goals and responsibilities. If it measures up meaningfully, do it. If not, don’t go. And only attend meetings where the creator has planned enough to include the agenda.
减少会议。对不重要的会议说“不”。你真的需要参加吗?出席会议是否对你至关重要?将其与你的目标和责任加以权衡。如果它对你有意义,那就去做。如果没有,那就拒绝。只参加那些计划充分、具有实质内容的会议。

Notice the “shoulds.” Only do volunteer work if you enjoy it or it helps burnish your skills. If it feels like a chore or a “should” change your focus or stop doing it.
注意那些“应该的事情”。只做自己喜欢或能够帮助你提升技能的志愿工作。如果你感觉那只是一项繁琐无趣的工作或“应该做的事情”,那你应该转变工作重点或者干脆不再去做这件事。

Set your boundaries, and stick to them. Part of saying no is establishing boundaries at work and at home and then being clear about them. We teach people how to treat us, so we have to re-teach them our boundaries. For example, if you do not wish to be bothered, simply say: “I’m sorry. I can’t discuss that right now. I am working on something else. How about at 4 p.m.?” If you don’t want to work in the evenings or on weekends then don’t. Let people know when you will be available, and then do not answer calls, texts, or emails during that down time.
设定并坚守你的界线。学会说“不”的一个重要部分,就是在工作和家庭中划定自己的界线,并且要明确告知其他人。我们要让别人知道如何对待我们才不会撞线,所以我们必须反复告知他们我们的界线。例如,如果你不想被打扰,只要说:“很抱歉,我现在不想讨论这件事。我正在处理其他事情。下午4点再讨论这件事如何?”如果你不想在晚上或周末工作,那就直接拒绝。让人们知道你的工作时间,下班后就不再接听电话,也不处理短信或电子邮件。

You need to train people. If you have to, use a vacation responder or voice mail for after hours, something like: “Thank you for your call/email. My regular work hours are X. If this is an emergency, please contact X. Otherwise, I will respond to your call/email when I return on X.”
你需要对其他人进行训练。如果有必要,在非工作时间设定假日自动回复或语音信箱,比如:“感谢您的来电/电子邮件。我的正常工作时间是X。如果是紧急情况,请联系X。否则,我将在X时间上班后,给您回电话/电子邮件。”

If colleagues call or contact you in the evenings and on weekends, train yourself not to take their calls or respond to their texts or emails. When you are back to work, you might say:
如果同事在晚上和周末给你打电话或联系你,训练自己不接他们的电话或不回复他们的短信或电子邮件。回到工作中之后,你可以说:

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to take your call. Unless it’s an emergency, I do not work after 7 p.m. or on weekends.”
“很抱歉我不能接你的电话。除非紧急情况,否则,晚上7点之后或周末时间我不工作。”

In order to reach your goals you have to build some fences to guard and protect yourself so you can grow. This means discriminating between the things that help you get there and the things that don’t. Learn to say no to the people, situations, and commitments that do not move you toward your goal, that distract you, or that you simply do not enjoy. Be purposeful in your actions—learn to say no! It’s a powerful little word with a huge impact.
为了实现自己的目标,你必须修建一些“篱笆”,来保护自己,让自己快速成长。这意味着要区分对自己有益的和无益的事情。对无助于实现目标、会对你造成干扰或自己不喜欢的人、情况和承诺,要学会说“不”。你的行为要有目的性——学会说“不”!这个词虽简单却非常强大,会产生巨大的影响。

Camille Preston is founder and CEO of AIM Leadership. She is also author of the e-book, The Rewired Resolution: Eight Ways to Work Smarter, Live Better, and be More Productive.
本文作者卡米尔•普勒斯顿是领导力培训公司AIM Leadership的创始人兼CEO。她也是电子书《重来的决心:如何让工作更明智、让生活更幸福,让自己更高效》(The Rewired Resolution: Eight Ways to Work Smarter, Live Better, and be More Productive)的作者。(财富中文网)

adage n. 格言,谚语;箴言

distract vt. 转移;分心

counterproductive adj. 反生产的;使达不到预期目标的

Implement vt. 实施,执行;实现,使生效



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