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Joel Stein - Why I Hate Dogs 汉译

2014-06-16    来源:网络    【      美国外教 在线口语培训

Why I Hate Dogs

Joel Stein

I love children, flowers and touched by an angel. I once even sent cards to my grandmothers for that fake Grandparents Day holiday. That’s not going to happen again. But no matter how much I want to be a normal, manly, over-consuming American, I can’t get myself to like dogs.

I don’t want to hate dogs. But I just can’t imagine sharing my apartment with some dirty, dependent animal willing to trade unconditional love for canned food that, to be honest, I find a little salty. How can people love something so much that they’re willing to walk behind it and retrieve its feces with their own hands every day? I have yet to meet a woman for whom I’d do that.
Dog owners are a mystery to me. I once went on a long series of nonproductive dates with one, and every time we were about to fool around, she would have to leave to go home and walk her dog. Hey, wait. I think I just figured out something.

They send their pets to dog salons and dog psychologists, who prescribe them dog antidepressants. June 25 is the first Take Your Dog to Work Day. June 26 is Why Does This Office Smell Bad? Day. While the homeless go ignored, almost 28.5 million Americans bought their dogs Christmas presents last year. A woman I know throws her dogs a Bar Mitzvah every year. That’s not even correct on a religious level. People knit their dogs things. Now I’ve never knitted anything, but it looks like a pretty serious endeavor. If getting married meant knitting something instead of buying a ring, there would be even more out-of-wedlock births.

Dog owners, please don’t buy that leash-on-a-reel thing that takes up 40 ft. of sidewalk. Save yourself some money: let your dog run free and use a large stick to trip people with instead. And why do you get offended when I refer to your dog as “it”? Was I supposed to be checking out its genitals the whole time? Or am I just supposed to get some kind of feminine vibe from your bulldog’s strut?

No, I wasn’t bitten by a dog as a kid or raised by cats. It’s just that dogs frighten me and kind of gross me out. Last week Mexico City, upon which dogs drop around 120,000 tons of feces a year, appealed to owners to clean up after their dogs because it was causing major health problems. Plus, dogs are the only animals I know of that are sexually interested in breeds 500 times smaller than them. They’re worse than frat boys.

I decided that I’m no longer going to remain a victim of my fears. The New York City parks department, which claims dogs do $250,000 worth of damage each year to park lawns in Manhattan, is going to hand out cell phones to volunteers willing to turn in owners of unleashed dogs. Parks Commissioner Henry J. Stern told me that he would put me on the list for a phone but that the program hadn’t been started yet because he was waiting for a cell-phone company to give him some second-hand ones. I was going to tell him just to wait for a leash company to get rid of some old leashes, but I really wanted the phone. I’m not even planning on using it to tattle. Whenever I see a dog owner, I’m going to talk loudly and obnoxiously about how I just bought a cell phone and this is my first call. It’s a dog-eat-dog world.

我干嘛讨厌狗

乔尔•斯特恩

我喜欢孩子,喜欢花朵,喜欢天使的触摸。为了那个假惺惺的“祖父母日”的节日,我还给我的姥姥和奶奶寄过贺卡呢。我以后再也不干这种事了。然而,无论我多么想成为一个正常的、充满阳刚之气的、大手大脚消费的美国人,我怎么也喜欢不起狗来。我并不是想讨厌狗,可我就是不能想象跟某种脏兮兮的,赖兮兮的动物同居一室。这种动物愿意用无条件的爱来换取一点点罐头食品,这一点,说实话,我觉得有点粗俗。人怎么能把某个东西喜欢到如此程度,以致于愿意每天都跟在它的屁股后面用自己的手去拣它拉出来的屎?我还没遇到过能让我喜欢得为她捡屎的女人呢。

那些狗的主人对我来说是个百思不得其解的谜。我曾经跟一个养了条狗的女人进行过一系列的约会,但都未能取得我预期效果。每次一要跟她亲热,她总是要走人,说是要回家遛狗去!喂,等等,我现在搞懂这是咋回事了:原来她不想跟我亲热啊!

这些主人把宠物送到狗沙龙和狗心理诊所去,那里的狗精神病医生给就给狗开些狗用的抗忧郁症药物。六月二十五日是第一个“带狗上班日”。六月二十六日就成了“‘办公室怎么这么臭?’日”了。在美国,尽管还有许多人流离失所无人关心,而仅去年就有近2850万人在圣诞节给他们的狗买圣诞礼物。我认识的一个妇人每年都给她的狗们举行类似犹太男孩成人仪式,既使是从宗教的角度来看这也是不正确的。人们还为他们的狗织衣服。我可从来没有织过什么东西。不过,编织似乎是件很严肃而费劲的事。如果结婚意味着织衣服,而不是买只戒指,那么就会出现更多的婚外生育。

狗的主人们,请别买那种带卷轴的牵狗皮带。这种皮带要占上近40英尺长的人行道。给自己省点钱吧:让你的狗放开跑吧,你就别用这种皮带来把行人绊倒吧,干脆用大棒算了。我把你的狗说成无性别区分的“它”的时候你干嘛要生气?难道我还得每次都得查看一下它的生殖器吗?难道我还得从你那叭儿狗的趾高气扬的步伐中看出某种女性的气质来吗?

不,小时候我从没被狗咬过,我也不是被猫养大的。只是狗让我害怕而且有点让我作呕。在墨西哥城,狗每年都要给它拉上约120,000吨的粪便。上个星期,这个城市呼吁狗的主人在狗便后要打扫干净,因为狗的粪便正在引起严重的健康问题。另外,狗也是我所知道的唯一对比它们体积小500倍的狗仔感“性”趣的动物。它们比美国大学生兄弟联谊会的男孩还要坏,这些小子是以酒后乱交而臭名昭著的。

我决定,我再也不做自己的恐惧的受害者了。纽约市的公园管理部宣称,狗对曼哈顿的公园草坪造成的破坏每年达250,000美元之多。这个部门准备给主动举报不给狗系皮带的主人的人发手机。公园负责人亨利•斯特恩告诉我,他愿意把我的名字记在那个发手机的名单上,只是这个计划还没有启动,因为他正等着一家手机公司给他一些用过的手机。我本打算告诉他,这简直就等于等着卖牵狗皮带的公司淘汰旧的牵狗皮带一样的没门,可我又的确很想要那个手机,所以就没有把这个想法告诉他。我甚至就不打算用这个手机来打小报告。一见到狗的主人,我就要大声地、令人讨厌地大谈我是怎么从公园负责人那里刚刚弄到手机的,而且这还是我用这个手机打的第一个电话。这可是个“狗吃狗”的世界!

(蒋跃 译)



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