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双语:结束一段关系之前 你应该问自己的问题

2015-06-23    来源:网络    【      美国外教 在线口语培训

After another endless fight, breaking up may feel like the only way out of this mess. But here are a few things to consider before calling it quits.
另一个无穷无尽的战斗之后,分手可能觉得是走出这一困境的唯一途径。但是这里有一些事情要在结束之前考虑。

Molly Barrow, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of Matchlines for Singles, says that she often sees women who assume their unhappiness is entirely caused by their partner. If you're convinced that your spouse is the problem, and especially if you find yourself repeatedly and testily telling him all the reasons he's standing in the way of your damn joy, then Barrow recommends that you put your thoughts down on paper. "Slow the communication down to a crawl," she says. This does not mean berating your husband or boyfriend for 22 pages. The idea is that once you've stepped away from your typical fight, you can acknowledge your part in the stress party happening at your house—stretched finances, pressure at work, feelings of depression, or exhaustion from juggling the needs of your children. The letter serves two purposes: It lets him know what's actually upsetting you and clues you in too.
莫莉巴罗博士,在研究单身方面的临床心理学家和作家,说她经常看到女人认为他们的不快乐是完全由他们的伴侣引起的。如果你相信是你的配偶引起的这个问题,特别是如果你发现自己一再和不耐烦地告诉他所有的原因都是他在阻碍着你的欢乐,那么巴罗建议你把你的想法写在纸上。“慢慢平静下来沟通,”她说。这并不意味着要写很多用来指责你的丈夫或男朋友。这个主意是,一旦你离开你的典型的战斗,你可以承认你的压力一部分来自于你的家庭,紧张的财政状况,工作的压力,情绪抑郁,或疲惫来自于需要陪你的孩子杂耍。这封信有两个目的:它让他知道什么是真的烦恼和引起你烦恼的原因。

We all know that Prince Charming doesn't exist. We tell ourselves our expectations are realistic. Still, the questions we ask ourselves about our relationships are often too surface to matter, says Barrow. What she means is that the cracks that occur over time because of an unsatisfying sexual relationship, lack of communication or contrasts in personality aren't necessarily irreparable. Unlike obvious deal breakers—long-term goals that are out of whack, an inability for your partner to celebrate your success, substance abuse or unprotected infidelity—many of these issues can be addressed if both parties are willing to work, respect the other's right to disagree and can be a teeny bit flexible.
我们都知道白马王子根本不存在。我们告诉自己我们的期望是现实的。不过,我们问自己的问题对我们的关系往往是表面问题,巴罗说。她所说的是裂缝随时间发生的,因为一个不满意的性关系,缺乏沟通或对比的性格不一定是不可挽回的。与明显的交易破坏者——长期目标是不一致的,无法为你的伙伴来庆祝你的成功,物质滥用或不受保护的不忠——很多能解决这些问题,如果双方都愿意这样,尊重对方不同意的权利,这可以灵活一点点。


"You absolutely cannot change your partner," says Barrow, "but just like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, if Ginger goes another direction, the dance looks different." What she means is to try something unexpected. For instance, you might get "a little divorced," a phrase Rachel Zucker coined in The New York Times, by escaping from your family/partner for a few days. A time-out, even a short one, will give you an opportunity to think about how you can make changes that will improve life in your world. Reconnecting with friends, limiting your commitments to your kids' school or taking a rock-climbing class at the gym could help you ease some of the tension in you and in your relationship.
“你绝对不能改变你的伴侣,”巴罗说,“但就像弗雷德?阿斯泰尔和姜罗杰斯,如果姜走另一个方向,舞蹈看起来不同。“她的意思是尝试一些意想不到的”。例如,你可能会“离婚,”瑞秋.朱克在《纽约时报》杜撰了,逃离你的家庭/合作伙伴几天。暂停,即使很短,会给你一个机会去思考如何改变,将改善你生活的世界。联络旧友,限制你的承诺,你的孩子的学校或攀岩课在健身房可以帮你缓解你和你的关系中的紧张。

We know some married women who fall into a "grass is always greener and full of mosquito" daydream of Life Without Him. For one thing, your husband may want to take a more active role in decisions he previously left up to you, like play dates or extracurricular activities involving your children. For another, dating is not like it was when you were 25. If you're in your 30s (and beyond), do you imagine parties filled with a sea of smart, funny, charming fellas? You are not wrong. Except the men at these parties are often married, or encumbered with girlfriends (or boyfriends), or muddling through horrific divorces themselves.
我们知道一些已婚妇女陷入”草总有更绿的,充满莫吉托”的白日梦,没有他的生活。首先,你的丈夫可能想扮演更积极的角色在他留给你决定之前,像约会或涉及孩子的课外活动。另一方面,约会不像你25岁的时候。如果你30岁(及以上),你想象派对充满了无穷无尽的聪明,有趣,可爱的小伙子?你没有错。但是这些人通常是已婚男人,有很多女友(或男朋友),或胡乱应付自己可怕的离婚的人。

You may find that it takes months to answer these questions and to decide whether the relationship is worth saving, not to mention months to actually save it. But trying to salvage the relationship after you've already severed ties, says Barrow, is next to impossible.
你可能会发现,它需要花几个月的时间来回答这些问题,并决定是否值得保存的这些关系,更不用说实际保存它要花好几个月。但试图挽救你早已经断绝的关系,巴罗说,几乎是不可能的。


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