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幽默笑话:雷人的大学入学申请书

2015-03-03    来源:网络    【      美国外教 在线口语培训

雷人的大学入学申请书

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat. 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.。

But I have not yet gone to college.

这是一份真实的纽约大学入学申请书。目前,申请人正在纽约大学就读。

我是精力旺盛的家伙——爬墙和砸冰,小菜一碟。我远近闻名,因为有次我利用午休时间,改造了火车站,提高了候车室保温效果。我为古巴难民,逐条翻译,骂人的脏话。我写过歌剧,并且还得了奖。我的工作效率很高。有时,我可以连续三天踩水。

追求女人,我自有一套——英俊的外貌和长号吹奏,如天籁之音。骑车,似杂耍般,速度飞快。做一份布朗尼巧克力饼,别人半个小时,我二十分钟就能搞定。粉刷墙壁,我是行家;谈恋爱,我是老手;在秘鲁,我又是一个亡命之徒。

在亚马逊流域的小村庄里,一把锄头,一大杯水,我孤军奋战,击退了浩浩荡荡的、凶狠的蚂蚁大军。小提琴也玩得很溜。我是无数通缉令的一号男主角,被警方跟踪也在所难免。当我厌烦了,不想跟逗他们玩了,我就在自家院子里拉几根钢索吊桥。我特别钟爱城市的滑翔游戏。通常星期三,放学后,我义务为大家修理电器设备。

我一身数职:抽象派艺术家,具体的分析家,无情的的赌马人。一件自己做的灯芯绒晚礼服,全世界的评论家,无不为之倾倒。我可不跟他们一起发疯,我行事向来低调,虽然我常收到粉丝们的信件。我还做过做过Number Nine(译注:日本著名服装公司)的接线员。去年,我参加了新泽西的了离心力证明之旅,我可以击400下呢。而灵巧的插花手手艺,有幸赢得圈内薄名。孩子们信赖我。

用网球拍,投掷移动的小东西,准星挺高。一天之内,读完失乐园、白鲸、大卫科波菲尔,剩下的时间,还够我将餐厅,装饰一新。我知道超市里每种食品的确切位置。我为中央情报局做过秘密卧底。一周,我只睡一次。我睡在椅子上。有一次在加拿大度假,一群恐怖分子在抢劫一家面包店,我成功地与他们达成协议。身体极限,在我看来,没有这回事儿。

我心智健全,爱好编织,热衷创新发明,享受生活,没有外债。周末时,为摆脱俗世纠缠,我一心研究纸艺。数年前,我发现了生活的真谛,但是忘了记录。只要有茂利(译注:一种食品加工器)和烤箱,我就能做四道美味无比的主菜。我养的蛤,得过大奖。圣胡安的斗牛比赛,斯里兰卡的攀岩比赛,克里姆林宫的拼写比赛,我赢过。我演过哈姆雷特。我主刀过心脏手术。我还与威尔斯(译注:唱蓝调的南方摇滚巨星)交谈过。

但是,我还没有上过大学。



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