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译文精选:什么是个人界限?如何得到?

2015-03-10    来源:yeeyan.org    【      美国外教 在线口语培训

什么是个人界限?如何得到?
What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?

【译文精选】

Love can’t exist without boundaries, even with your children. It’s easy to understand external boundaries as your bottom line. Think of rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow. If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak up.
爱的存在不能没有界限,对孩子的爱也是如此。外部界限也就是你的底线很容易理解。当你愿意做某些事,不愿意或者不被允许做某些事时,这就是你遵循的规则和原则。如果你不会拒绝,屈己为人,或者经常被某些人搞得心烦意乱,不论他们是要求过多,控制欲强,批评不断,固执己见,虐待辱骂,尚武好斗,还是好言恳求,过分溺爱,你都该为自己负责并公开表态了。

Types of Boundaries
界限的种类

There are several areas where boundaries apply:
界限适用于多个方面

•Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
物质界限 决定你是否给予或借出诸如金钱,汽车,衣服,书籍,食物,牙刷一类的东西。

•Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
身体界限 附属于你的个人空间,隐私和身体。你握手还是拥抱---何时?同谁?你对嘈杂的音乐,裸体,还有锁上的门什么感觉?

•Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
心理界限 适用于你的想法,价值观和观点。你很容易受人影响吗? 你知道自己相信什么?能够坚持你的意见吗?你能虚己以听而不会死板僵刻吗?当你情绪激动,好争喜辩,防御性强时,那么很有可能你的情绪界限比较薄弱。

•Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
情绪界限 能将自己的责任和情感与他人区分开来。这就像一条假想的线或力场,把你和他人隔离。健康的界限能限制你向他人提出建议,责怪他人或者接受埋怨。你不会因为别人的负面情绪和问题而感到内疚,也不会太在意别人的话。反应性高说明情感界限薄弱。健康的情感界限要求明确的内心界限---了解自己的感受,知道对自己和他人的责任。

•Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
性界限 保护你在进行性接触和性行为时的舒适度----做什么,何时何地,和什么人.


•Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.
精神界限 与上帝或者更高的力量相关的信仰和经历

Why It’s Hard
为什么这么难

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:
依赖助成者很难设立界限,那是因为:

1.They put others’ needs and feelings first
他们把别人的需求和感受放在首位

2.They don’t know themselves
他们不了解自己

3.They don’t feel they have rights
他们认为自己没有权利

4.They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship
他们认为设立界限会破坏情感关系

5.They never learned to have healthy boundaries
他们从来不学习如何设立健康的界限

Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “stop” when I was uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the capacity to tell a masseuse to stop and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.
界限的设立必须通过学习。如果孩提时你没有受到重视,那么你就不知道自己有界限。任何形式的辱骂虐待都会破坏个人界限,捉弄取笑也如此。有一次,我的哥哥不顾我的苦苦哀求一直胳肢我,我喘不上气才停手。这让我觉得当我不舒服时无能为力,没有权利喊停。在恢复界限的过程中,我终于学会对按摩师叫停,让她轻点儿。在一些案例中,界限的破坏能够影响孩子,使之无法成长为独立负责的成年人。

You Have Rights
你有权利

You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up. For example, you have a right to privacy, to say “no,” to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and not to answer a question, the phone, or an email.
如果成长时未受尊重,那么你会认为自己没有任何权利。比如隐私权,拒绝权,有权受到尊重,有权改变主意,取消承诺,有权要求下属按你的要求工作,有权求助,有权独处,有权保存体力,有权不回答问题,不接电话,不回邮件。

Think about all the situations where these rights apply. Write how you feel and how you currently handle them. How often do you say “yes” when you’d like to say “no?”
想一想这些权利适用于哪些情形。写下你的感受以及你对他们的想法。你经常心里说不嘴上答应吗?

Write what you want to happen. List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting them? Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example, “Please don’t criticize (or call) me (or borrow my . . .),” and “Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you . . .”
你想要哪些事情发生?写下来。列出你的权利清单。什么阻止你不去坚持这些权利?写出你的底线。当然,要礼貌。比如“请不要批评(或叫)我(或借走我的....) ”非常感谢您想到了我,但我很遗憾我恐怕不能参加(或能够帮到)您..."

Internal Boundaries
内部界限

Internal boundaries involve regulating your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses. If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.
内部界限指的是调节你和自己的关系。把他们看做对时间,想法,情感,行为和冲动的自我约束和健康管理。如果你一直拖延正事,做哪些没必要做或者不想去做的事,又或者做事过度导致缺乏休息和娱乐,饮食失调,那么你有可能忽视了内部身体界限。学会管理自己的消极情绪能够强大自我,同时增强坚持目标和坚持自我承诺的能力。

Healthy emotional and mental internal boundaries help you not to assume responsibility for, or obsess about, other people’s feelings and problems – something codependents commonly do. Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think about yourself, rather than automatically agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. You’re then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you choose. Similarly, since you’re accountable for your feelings and actions, you don’t blame others. When you’re blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”
健康的情感和心理内部界限帮助你不受他人情绪和问题的影响,不再纠结,不再无端负责--这是依赖助成者做不到的。强大的内部界限抑制暗示感受性。你要为自己考虑,而不是机械地接受别人的批评和建议。这时你就有了足够的力量可以设立外部情感界限了。同样,如果你对自己的情绪和行为负责,你就不该埋怨别人。当你受人埋怨时,如果你认为不是你的责任,不用辩解或道歉,你可以说“我不对这件事负责”。

Guilt and Resentment
内疚和怨恨

Anger often is a signal that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean that you haven’t been setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy. Once you get practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and suffer less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.
愤怒通常是该采取行动的信号。如果你觉得充满愤恨,受人冤枉或者你开始埋怨别人,这可能意味着你没有设立界限。如果你对设立界限感到焦虑或内疚,记住,你如果不开心你的情感关系将会遭殃。一旦你开始练习设立界限,你会感到更加强大,焦虑,怨恨和内疚开始减少。通常来说,你会更受人尊重,你的情感关系也相应改善。

Setting Effective Boundaries
设立有效界限

People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or by nagging, you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance. It’s essential, however, that you never threaten a consequence you’re not fully prepared to carry out.
人们经常说自己确实设立界限,但不起作用。其实这也是一门艺术。如果你在愤怒或批评时这么做是不会有人听你说话的。界限的目的不是为了惩罚,而是为了你得到幸福和保护。所以他们是否有效完全取决于你是否自信,冷静,坚定,礼貌。如果这样还不行,你可以把不这么做所带来的可怕后果介绍给对方,并使之服从。但是,如果你没有做好充分准备来设立界限的话,绝对不要以这种方式威胁对方。

It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist, especially when you receive pushback.
设立有效的界限需要大量时间,他人支持以及反复的学习。拥有自我意识和坚定自信是第一步。设立界限不自私。相反,这是自爱---遵从自己内心的意愿合理适当地拒绝。这能建立自尊。但是把自己放在首位并坚持这么做通常是需要鼓励的,尤其是你经历挫败时。


【原文来源:psychcentral.com作者:DARLENE LANCER 翻译来源:yeeyan.org 译者:lauralee李海妹】



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