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2015-03-10    来源:yeeyan.org    【      美国外教 在线口语培训

What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?


Love can’t exist without boundaries, even with your children. It’s easy to understand external boundaries as your bottom line. Think of rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow. If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak up.

Types of Boundaries

There are several areas where boundaries apply:

•Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
物质界限 决定你是否给予或借出诸如金钱,汽车,衣服,书籍,食物,牙刷一类的东西。

•Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
身体界限 附属于你的个人空间,隐私和身体。你握手还是拥抱---何时?同谁?你对嘈杂的音乐,裸体,还有锁上的门什么感觉?

•Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
心理界限 适用于你的想法,价值观和观点。你很容易受人影响吗? 你知道自己相信什么?能够坚持你的意见吗?你能虚己以听而不会死板僵刻吗?当你情绪激动,好争喜辩,防御性强时,那么很有可能你的情绪界限比较薄弱。

•Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
情绪界限 能将自己的责任和情感与他人区分开来。这就像一条假想的线或力场,把你和他人隔离。健康的界限能限制你向他人提出建议,责怪他人或者接受埋怨。你不会因为别人的负面情绪和问题而感到内疚,也不会太在意别人的话。反应性高说明情感界限薄弱。健康的情感界限要求明确的内心界限---了解自己的感受,知道对自己和他人的责任。

•Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
性界限 保护你在进行性接触和性行为时的舒适度----做什么,何时何地,和什么人.

•Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.
精神界限 与上帝或者更高的力量相关的信仰和经历

Why It’s Hard

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:

1.They put others’ needs and feelings first

2.They don’t know themselves

3.They don’t feel they have rights

4.They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship

5.They never learned to have healthy boundaries

Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “stop” when I was uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the capacity to tell a masseuse to stop and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.

You Have Rights

You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up. For example, you have a right to privacy, to say “no,” to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and not to answer a question, the phone, or an email.

Think about all the situations where these rights apply. Write how you feel and how you currently handle them. How often do you say “yes” when you’d like to say “no?”

Write what you want to happen. List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting them? Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example, “Please don’t criticize (or call) me (or borrow my . . .),” and “Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you . . .”
你想要哪些事情发生?写下来。列出你的权利清单。什么阻止你不去坚持这些权利?写出你的底线。当然,要礼貌。比如“请不要批评(或叫)我(或借走我的....) ”非常感谢您想到了我,但我很遗憾我恐怕不能参加(或能够帮到)您..."

Internal Boundaries

Internal boundaries involve regulating your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses. If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.

Healthy emotional and mental internal boundaries help you not to assume responsibility for, or obsess about, other people’s feelings and problems – something codependents commonly do. Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think about yourself, rather than automatically agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. You’re then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you choose. Similarly, since you’re accountable for your feelings and actions, you don’t blame others. When you’re blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”

Guilt and Resentment

Anger often is a signal that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean that you haven’t been setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy. Once you get practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and suffer less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.

Setting Effective Boundaries

People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or by nagging, you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance. It’s essential, however, that you never threaten a consequence you’re not fully prepared to carry out.

It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist, especially when you receive pushback.

【原文来源:psychcentral.com作者:DARLENE LANCER 翻译来源:yeeyan.org 译者:lauralee李海妹】

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