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译文精选:与控制狂相处的6个建议

2015-04-24    来源:yeeyan.org    【      美国外教 在线口语培训

与控制狂相处的6个建议
6 Tips for Managing Life With a Control Freak

【译文精选】

Controlling people can be hard to live with—with their constant advice, rigid routines, and schedules, times; their backseat driving and their demands that the dishwasher needs to be loaded in a certain way, and the tools in the garage put back on the proper hooks. They obsess and map out every minute of Thanksgiving or Christmas weeks in advance, and  they get irritable or angry when plans get disrupted or you fail to follow through on what you said you were going to do.
与控制狂相处总觉得很受折磨:他们不停地给出建议,严格地执行他们的日程、计划与时间;他们爱对别人指手画脚,要求以特定的方式把碗碟放入洗碗机中。他们会提前安排好感恩节或者圣诞节的每一分钟该怎么过。如果计划被打乱或者你没有按照你的计划行事,他们就会变得暴躁又愤怒。

Here are some insights into the mind of the "control freak":
透过表面现象,我们来看一下他们的真实想法:

It's not about control, it's about anxiety.
这无关控制,只是焦虑。

While there are some out there who are controlling because they are into power or feel entitled and expect the world to go their way, for most controlling people it’s all about anxiety. Control is a bad solution—but it's not the problem. Often such people grew up in chaotic environments, or with anxious or even abusive parents. As children they walked on eggshells, looking over their shoulders. To cope, they became hypervigilant—always on alert, always anticipating problems.
虽然有一些控制狂是因为他们具有权利或者觉得自己有资格才表现出控制行为,希望整个世界都按照他们的意愿进行运转,然而对于大多数的控制狂来说,他们“控制”的根源是焦虑。控制虽然是个糟糕的解决办法,但至少也是个办法。通常情况下,这类控制狂在混乱的环境中长大,他们的父母很焦虑甚至还有虐待倾向。作为孩子,他们只能如履薄冰,时刻观察着父母的情绪。因此他们变得高度警惕,时时刻刻处于警戒状态,无时无刻不在预测是否会出现问题。

Control—planning things out, knowing what is going to happen, knowing what others are doing, mastering the routines and rules—reduces their anxiety and makes their environment emotionally safer. When you are on top of things, bad stuff can’t sneak up on you quite so easily.
控制即计划好事情的发展方向,知道即将发生什么事情,知道别人正在做什么,日常活动与规则都在自己的掌控之中,因此控制可以降低他们的焦虑感,使他们在自己所处的环境中产生情绪上的安全感。毕竟,当你凌驾于一切事情之上时,糟糕的事情就不能轻易地偷袭你。

Controlling people usually don't see themselves as controlling.
控制狂一般都不觉得自己是在控制。

More often they think of it as "common sense," "being responsible," or simply "planning ahead," "setting priorities," "being helpful" (especially when giving advice), or "doing what's expected." Their frustration comes when what is so obvious and/or important to them is not so obvious and/or important to those around them.
大多时候他们都认为自己的控制行为是“正常的现象”,“负责任的行为”又或者只是简单的“提前计划”,“考虑事情的轻重缓急”“乐于助人”(尤其是在给出建议时),或者“在做所期待的事情”。如果一件事情对他们来说极其明显并且(或者)极其重要,但对他们周围的人来说却没那么明显并且(或者)也没重要时,他们就会觉得很失望沮丧。

They're self-critical.
他们总是自我批判。

The criticism they can hurl at you often replicates the same abuse that they hurl at themselves. Their need to stay on top of things leaves ample opportunity for screw-ups, which they then beat themselves up about.
他们怎样地批判你,往往就会怎样地批判自己。凌驾于一切事情之上的需要使得他们总觉得自己不够好,因此就会因各种原因谴责自己。

They have trouble with transitions.
他们很难灵活应变。

A lot of controlling people know on Monday what they are gong to do on Saturday. If you throw them a curveball on Saturday morning by suggesting that your brother come over for dinner, they may snap at you about the brother and why he "always" has to come over, but it's really more about that curveball derailing their cemented plans and leaving them feeling emotionally rattled.
许多控制狂在周一的时候就已经安排好周六要做什么了。如果你在周六早上告诉他们说,你的哥哥要过来吃饭,他们可能就会向你抱怨你的哥哥,抱怨他为什么“总是”过来,但实际上,只是这件事破坏了他们已有的计划,让他们感到慌乱而已。

Under stress, all this all gets worse.
压力之下,一切都会变得更糟。

Stress ramps up anxiety for most people; for those into control, with added stress comes added control in response—more rigidity, more frustration, and micro-management.
对于大多数人来说,压力的增加会导致焦虑的增加。对于控制狂来说,更大的压力则意味着更多的控制,他们会变得更严格、更沮丧,并进行更多的微观管理。

What can you do if you live with a controlling person?
如果更好地与控制狂生活在一起?

Realize that it's about their anxiety. Saying to yourself (a lot) that it’s anxiety that is the real problem can help you feel less victimized, less like being treated like a 10-year-old or being scolded.
你需要明白他们的行为是由焦虑引起的。告诉你自己(时刻记得)真正的问题源于他们的焦虑,这可以让你觉得少受些伤害,不会觉得他们自己就像对待一个十岁的孩子,又或者可以少受些责骂。

Talk about anxiety. Rather than getting caught up in how ridiculous or controlling your partner's behaviors are, ask instead about what they're worried about. You want to sidestep that "You're controlling," "You're not responsible" power-to-power dispute about whose reality is right. The control is about them; it's their solution to anxiety, and you're helping them with their problem.
与他们谈论焦虑的缘由。不要陷入抱怨你伙伴的行为是多么荒谬又多么地具有控制性之中,而是去询问他们在担忧什么。你要避免毫无意义的诸如“你只是在控制我”,“并不是在负责任”之类的关于事实的争辩。他们的控制与自己相关的,这是他们应对焦虑的办法,而你要帮助他们解决他们的问题。

Give them a heads-up on changes. If you are thinking of having your brother over on Saturday, bring it up, say, Wednesday or Thursday. Just throw it out there to suggest your partner "just think about it." This gives the other person time to readjust his or her weekend plans and emotionally settle and think about it with time to spare. Ditto if you are running late, etc.—give as much advance warning as possible to help with expectations and transitions.
提前告知他们出现的变化。如果你想让你的哥哥周六过来吃饭,那就早点比如周三或周四时说出来。只是说出来,然后让你的伙伴“考虑到这件事”。这就给了对方一些重新调整他(或她)的周末安排,这将使他的情绪变得稳定,并有时间来考虑这件事情。与此类似的还有比如你迟到了等。尽可能地给出更多的提前通知,来帮助他进行预测与转变。

Decide on your own limits. If you partner wants you to sterilize the entire kitchen after you've made dinner or fold underwear in a precise four-step process, decide on what you can comfortably be willing to do. The mindset again is deciding how you can be sensitive to his or her anxiety, rather than falling into the feeling that you are being treated like a child, one who lives with an unreasonable parent. State your limits clearly and calmly.
设定自己的底线。在你的伙伴要求你做完晚饭后给整个厨房消毒,或者要求你严格地按照四个步骤折叠内衣时,你就需要考虑一下这些让你觉得是否舒服,你又是否乐意这样做。你的心态再次表明了你对他(或她)的焦虑是多么敏感,而不是陷入你被当成了一个由不靠谱的父母养大的小孩的感觉之中。清楚而又平静地说明你的底线。

Have straight-ahead conversations about what bothers you. Is it too much backseat driving, too much advice not asked for, or too rigid a Saturday routine? Try to have a reasoned,adult conversation about these issues—not when you're frustrated or he or she is irritable,but when you're not. Again, avoid drama—instead, ask about what the other's worries are, and see if you can reach a plan for agreeable compromises.
坦诚地交流那些让你感到烦躁的事情。是不是无法忍受他的指手画脚了?他是不是有太多你并未询问的建议了?周六的安排是不是过于严格了?试着就这些问题进行一次理性的、成熟的谈话,不要在你沮丧,或者他(或她)被激怒的时候进行。同样要避免戏剧性地场面,你要问一问对方在担忧什么,然后尽量在适当的妥协下达成一个双方都能接受的协议。

Consider counseling. If you can’t have these sane adult conversations—if you’re too skittish to bring things up or if the conversation goes Jerry Springer too quickly—consider couple counseling, even for just a few sessions, to help navigate these issues in a safer environment.
考虑寻找辩护。如果你们不能进行这样理智而又成熟的对话,比如你太容易激动而提起各种事情或者你们的谈话很快就进入了杰里·斯波林格( Jerry Springer)脱口秀中疯狂的模式之中,那就不妨考虑寻找辩护,即使只有几个辩护者,也有助于你们在一个更安全的环境中协商这些问题。

All of this obviously is easier to say than do, but like a lot of relationship problems it's about seeing the possible problem under the problem, choosing to react differently, and being adult, all without the expectation that the other will magically change, but because you care about the other person, and because you are doing the best you can do.
当然,所有的这些建议都是说起来容易做起来难,但是就像许多的人际关系问题一样,你需要在问题之中寻找真正的问题,换一种方式对待对方,然后变得理性成熟,即使你没有报任何期望,但是由于你在乎对方,你在尽力做到最好,对方也就会神奇地发生改变。

【原文来源:psychologytoday.com作者: Robert Taibbi 翻译来源:yeeyan.org 译者:QingMelody】



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