Growing Pains 412
Maggie: This is Maggie Malone, with this live exclusive. The end of the three week old Long
Island garbage strike may be at hand. We have learned exclusively that the head of the
sanitation workers local, Harry Spreckles, is meeting in secret session at the home of Long
Island garbage Tsar, Reg Cohen, at his Jamaica Bay town house. We do not know the nature of
their discussions, or when they will emerge, but I'll be standing by live, to let you know which
way the wind is blowing. We now rejoin Channel nineteen’s exclusive presentation of "Ishtar".
Chaz, never wear heels to cover a garbage story.
(phone rings)Hello, oh good. Mr. Siblovich, I wanted to talk to you. How long do you expect
me to be tarnded out...I know a gown is not appropriate attire. No, I frankly wasn’t planning
to cover a garbage strike. He thinks I’m showing too much cleavage for a work stoppage. Mr.
Siblovich, isn’t there someone else who could relieve me? See, I . There isn't. Well look at is
this way, nobody is watching. We are running "Ishtar" tonight for crying out loud. No, I’m sorry.
I lost my head. I just wanted to accept this award tonight with all my heart and soul. But I
know my job comes first. Not to mention my personal loyalty to you. No, Mr. Siblovich, I’m not
just saying that. Right. Goodnight. Well, looks like we are going to be spending the night
Chaz: The gown was a thoughtful touch.
Maggie: What if this isn’t the garbage Czars house? What if it’s the garbage Dukes?
Maggie: Hello. Yes I’ll accept a collect call. Hi Jason.
Singers: Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today.
Jason: Honey, we are just about through with the entertainment programme. Mercifully. Look,
are you going to be able to make it?
Maggie: No, I can’t make it. I'm going to be here all night up to my cleavage in garbage.
Jason: Honey, they are going to call your name soon.
Maggie: Oh honey, have you're just going to have to accept the award for me.
Jason: Me! Honey I am not qualified to accept a Mother Of the Year award. Not this year
anyway. I wouldn’t know what to say.
Maggie: Well that’s why I left a copy of my speech in your pocket.
Ben: I know hwy they have no bananas. They ate them all.
Jason: Shh! Honey, I better go, or they are going to reconsider your award.
Maggie: Bye honey, Thanks.
Jason: Alright, I’ll tell you how your speech turns out. Bye.
Maggie: Bye. So this is my working mother of the year banquet.
Maggie: Thank you. I had such a good speech. You want to hear it?
Chaz: Uh hu.
Maggie: My fellow working women. A funny thing happened to me on the way to the banquet
today. I knew I'd forgotten something. And then I remembered my opening joke. My opening
joke. I forgot my opening joke, which is my opening joke. See, it’s funny.
Chaz: Hu hu hu.
Maggie: You're right. It stinks. I mean what do you expect, the Gettysburg address? I don’t
have time to write a speech. Do you have any idea how insane the last twenty four hours of
my life have been? Do you want to hear? Well see since my husband as out of town, I was
going to spend all night working on my acceptance speech. But see, it just didn’t turn out that
(Flash back to the last twenty four hours)
Maggie: Michael Seaver, do you have nay idea what time it is? Its three o clock in the
Mike: Well mum. I was just, uh, uh, what the heck are you doing?
Maggie: I'm bouncing my but on the bumper and making broom broom noises. What does it
Mike: You really miss dad, don’t you?
Maggie: this has nothing to do with your father. I'm just trying to get Chrissy to sleep.
Mike: Oh, is Chrissy in there?
Maggie: I usually drive her around the block, but I’m low on gas.
Mike: Mum, it is three o clock in the morning.
Maggie: Mike, will you help out here. My bottom is getting sore.
Mike: Yeah. Sure. (Car noises) So you drive Chrissy around like this a lot?
Maggie: Only when she gets real cranky. She likes the motion.
Mike: I kinda wish I had my camera here with me.
Maggie: You thin this is crazy. With you we just strapped the car seat to the old washing
Mike: Wait, wait, wait. You strapped me to a washing machine?
Maggie: You loved it. Especially the spin cycle. When that old machine started shaking, it had
that really distinctive rhythm that would put you out in a flash. Kachung. Kachung. Kachung.
Honey, could you take over for me here so that I could go and work on my speech?
Mike: Mum, its three in the morning.
Maggie: Well it’s either that or tell me exactly where you've been and what you've been
Mike: Happy writing.
Maggie: Mike. Slow down. A funny thing happened to me on the way to the banquet tonight. I
knew I’d forgot something, and then I remembered. My opening joke. Ha ha ha. That will kill
them. Hi honey.
Jason: Am ii glad to see you. Being at a convention with two hundred psychiatrists for three
days straight is enough to drive anybody totally insane. Honey?
Maggie: I guess I fell asleep, cos the next thing I remember, it was morning.
Maggie: See you kids.
Ben: Mum, where are you going?
Maggie: I'm going to work to finish my speech, before things get too hectic around here.
Carol: But isn’t this the day you are supposed to talk to bens current events class?
Ben: Mum, you didn’t forget did you?
Teacher: Class, can we all say good morning to channel nineteen news reporter, Ms Maggie
Children: Good morning channel nineteen news reporter Ms Maggie Malone.
Maggie: Well ok, why don’t we just...
Teacher: Ms Malone, who as you know is Bens mum, is going to tell us all about TV journalism.
Maggie: Well I really haven’t, you know, prepared a speech today, but you know...a funny
thing happened to me on my way here this morning, I knew I’d forgot something and then I
remembered. My opening joke. Just a little joke there.
Maggie: Well I bet you all have a lot of questions about TV news, so why don’t I let you ask
Girl: Isn’t it true, most TV reporters are vamping news readers with no real journalism
Maggie: No. Its not. Wasn’t that fun. Yes.
Boy: Tell us about the time you took Ben along with you when you did that story on the bad
guys with the guns.
Maggie: Oh, what story was this?
Boy: See I told you Seaver was full of it.
Maggie: Oh you mean the gun smuggling story.
Maggie: Well sometimes it’s good to have Ben with me on a dangerous story. You know,
somebody who knows how to handle themselves in a tough situation. And as I recall those
men got caught because they were tripped up by all the lies they told. Wasn’t that right Ben?
Ben: Uh, um, yeah lies. That was it.
Maggie: But I know this, they had to face the truth eventually and I think they learned their
lesson. Don’t you Ben?
Ben: I sure did think they learned their lesson. Yes mam.
Maggie: Anybody else?
Carol: Mum, what are you doing home?
Maggie: Oh I got off early so I could finish my speech.
Carol: Well, but you are never home at this hour.
Maggie: Well I got lucky. Finally a moment of calm so I can make some sense tonight. Where's
Carol: He's out getting a haircut for your awards banquet.
Maggie: Uh hu.
Carol: Well not that id be up to anything with both my parents gone.
Maggie: Uh hu. Well I’ll be upstairs writing.
Man: Hi. So this is the right house hu?
Carol: Wrong. Let’s go.
Carol: Uh mum. This is not a date. He's just taking me to Harold Bar.
Maggie: So. You are taking my daughter to a bar?
Carol: Mum. Its not a bar bar. It’s a health bar.
Man: They make great celery margaritas.
Man: You must be Mrs Seaver. I'm Ron Gardner.
Maggie: Hello. Carol, explain.
Carol: Well I met Ron at the diet centre.
Man: That’s right. Twenty pounds.
Carol: Well, see you mum.
Maggie: Carol, stop.
Man: You know Mrs Seaver, you look very familiar.
Maggie: Maybe we went to school together.
Man: No. You're Maggie Malone from channel nineteen. Wow, you know you sure don’t look old
enough to be Carols mum.
Maggie: You do.
Maggie: Ron, how old are you?
Man: Twenty eight.
Maggie: Well well well. And Carol, how old were you on your last birthday?
Carol: About seventeen.
Maggie: Excuse us Ron. Carol, ask Ron to leave right now.
Carol: But mum, if I do that he's going o think that you are not letting me go out with him.
Maggie: I am not letting you go out with him.
Carol: But, Ron, we will be just one little moment.
Maggie: No we won’t Ron. Ron you will have to leave.
Maggie: I'm sorry but you are too old to date my daughter.
Man: Oh, I see.
Man: No no Carol. That’s good. That’s alright. I'll see you. Well I don’t mean see her exactly.
It’s just a...Bye.
Carol and Maggie: How could you do that? How could I do that?
Carol: Mum you humiliated me right in front of Ron.
Maggie: Carol Ron should never have been here in the first place. You can’t date men like that.
Carol: Mum, I know what you are thinking. And just cos the man has a little bald spot..
Maggie: Carol, the man doesn’t have a little bald spot. The man is bald.
Carol: And you hold that against him? Mum I am surprised at you.
Maggie: Carol, Ron is twenty eight. You are seventeen. He's older.
Carol: well somebody has to be older.
Maggie: (answers phone) Hello.
Carol: He's a very sweet guy and you'd like him if you just met him.
Maggie: I'm trying to have a conversation here.
Carol: Mum, if I guy cannot date a woman who is younger than him, then what is poor George
Burns going to do? Hu?
Carol: Quiet. I meant you be quiet. Mr. Siblovich, are you going to talk or what? Sir.
(back to the present)
Maggie: So Siblovich called me down here, and since six o clock I’ve been waiting for the
garbage Czar with you. But you know that. Its ten o clock. I wonder how my terrible speech
went. It figures.
Singers: We have no bananas today.
Lady: Thank you ladies of the String Bean quartet for that sixth and final encore.
Mike: Its must really be over. Four fat ladies just sang.
Carol: Mike that was very cruel.
Mike: Carol, you are a biscuit away from making it a quintet.
Ben: Dad, you’ve got to get ready. They are about to call mums name.
Jason: Oh my gosh!
Jason: Well it’s your mother’s speech. It’s uh..
Jason: Let the record show, I didn’t say that.
Lady: And now, I’m very pleased to introduce our new Working Mother of the Year. Maggie
Malone Seaver. As we all know Maggie is a reporter at the channel nineteen news. And behind
the camera she is a busy mother of four. Maggie come on up here and tell us how you do it all.
Who are you?
Jason: I'm accepting for Maggie. She could be here. She's working. Hello fellow working
Woman: Hey buddy, who the heck are you?
Jason: I'm Maggie’s husband Jason. She couldn’t be here tonight. Thank you. But she did ask
me to share with you some of her thoughts. So here goes. A funny thing happened to her on
the way to the banquet tonight. She knew she's forgot something and then she remembered,
her opening joke. Ha ha ha .
Kids: Ha ha ha.
Ben: That man told us to laugh.
Jason: So uh, I don’t think I could possible do justice to my wife’s wonderful speech, so I think
I’ll just share with you my impression of my wife.
Mike: If this is as bad as his Sylvester Stallone impression, these babes are going to tear him
Jason: I think its best summed up in one moment from last night. I had been away on a trip
and it was very late....
Maggie: Hi honey.
Jason: Oh boy and I glad to see you. Being at a convention with two hundred psychiatrists
for two days straight is enough to drive a person totally insane. I heard enough knock knock
jokes to last a lifetime. I know you promised to wake up for me sweet heart and I have to
admit, I didn’t think you would. You know it’s kind of late and I sure appreciate that you did
and I love you...I wanted to talk to you. Are you sleeping? Sweetheart? Sweetheart.
Maggie: The baby. Oh honey, as long as you're up will you check on Chrissy? There's plenty of
diapers in the closet.
Jason: Yeah, of course I will my dear. No problem. Nice talking to you.
(Jason reads a letter from Maggie) Jason sweetheart, welcome home. I missed you. Love
guess who? Ps, hope it wasn’t another marathon of knock knock jokes. Pps, Ramón darling. If
you are reading this please put it back, it’s for my husband Yason.
Radio: It’s midnight, and in local headlines those secret garbage strike talks broke off late
tonight when garbage Czar Reg Cohen, punched out labor leader Happy Spreckles, who says
he's considering changing his nick name.
Maggie: Its over. The dinner's over. Oh no.
Cleaner: I'm sure in a dress like that you'll have no problem finding a meal.
Maggie: Oh no, no, see I was supposed to accept the working mother of the year award
Cleaner: Oh, is this an international competition?
Maggie: No, it’s the Long Island Professional Woman’s association.
Cleaner: Then I had no shot. I live in the Bronx.
Maggie: It does sound kind of silly doesn’t it?
Cleaner: No, but I’m glad I didn’t win the award. Just another thing to dust.
Cleaner: Go ahead, I won’t tell a soul.
Maggie: You wouldn’t happen to want a pickle would you?
Cleaner: Yeah, I can take my break a little earlier. Hot pastrami would go great with this.
Maggie: You're out of luck.
Cleaner: Say, you look familiar to me.
Maggie: I'm a reporter for the channel nineteen news.
Cleaner: My Ishtar station?
Maggie: That’s us. I'm Maggie.
Cleaner: Cathleen. I'm a cleaning woman.
Maggie: I sense that.
Cleaner: How’s the cheesecake?
Maggie: It’s a bit warmer than I like it.
Cleaner: Same with the pickle. You know, I bet you are the working mother of the year.
Maggie: How could you tell?
Cleaner: You didn’t have time to pick up the award.
Maggie: You know Cathleen; I didn’t really care about getting the award. Exactly. And I know
it doesn’t mean much. It’s just that it’s nice to be recognized now and again.
Cleaner: Yeah. I was the employee of the month in this hotel in June.
Cleaner: Nineteen fifty seven.
Maggie: That’s nice.
Cleaner: Oh, you know what’s nice? That day all four of my kids and my husband took me out
to dinner. And they wouldn’t let me lift a finger in the apartment the entire weekend. Now that
Maggie: Well I should be getting home to my four kids and my husband. It’s been nice talking
to you Cathleen.
Cleaner: Oh, same here. Hold on, you forgot your award.
Cleaner: Speech, speech. Oh, never mind.
Maggie: Working Mother of the Year.
(Letter from Jason) Welcome home to my favorite working mother of the year. We all missed
you tonight, but no one more than me. Love, guess who. Ps, they loved your speech even
though I know I didn’t do it justice. Pps Ramon, you are one lucky hombre.
Maggie: Oh, sure glad I won this.