Growing Pains 411
Mike: Oh hi guys.
Maggie: Hi mike.
Jason: Well, your timing is terrible. We just finished dinner.
Maggie: Oh gosh. I didn’t even realize it was dinner time. I've been working all day on my
English term paper.
Maggie: All day?
Mike: Yeah, pretty much. Boy do I need a break. I think I’ll just go out and drive my car a
little bit. Kind of clear out my head and then settle in for another all-nighter.
Maggie and Jason: Uh hu!
Mike: Yeah. Yes, that’s pretty much it. Just wanted to stop in and say hi.
Mike: Oh darn. I think I'm out of gas. Can I borrow a few bucks?
Maggie and Jason: Bingo!
Mike: What? Well all I said was that I needed a little study break.
Jason: Yeah, what you really needed was money. I bet you haven’t even started writing that
term paper yet?
Mike: Are you suggesting that this is some kind of...What’s the word? Con.
Jason: I'm not suggesting that Mike. I'm flat out saying it.
Carol: Mike, what brings you here? Money or food?
Mike: You see how you are raising your daughter? I mean your basic disrespect for me is
rubbing off on the geek woman here.
Carol: I need to do some research for my book report at the Junior college library. So could I
borrow the car tonight?
Jason: Sure. Oh, my Volvo's in the shop.
Maggie: that’s ok Carol. You can use my car.
Jason: Better take some money for gas. Just incase.
Mike: Twenty bucks!
Maggie: Be careful honey.
Carol: I will. Bye.
Mike: Alright. Alright. Now what the heck is going on here? I mean I can’t even get a couple of
lousy bucks for gas, but you give her twenty bucks and a car!
Jason: Makes you think, doesn’t it?
Mike: No, Nothing makes me think.
Maggie: The difference is Mike, we actually believe Carol is going to the library to study.
Mike: Oh, so you mean like, if I was going to go to the library, you'd give me money too?
Maggie: Uh hu.
Mike: Well that's exactly where I was heading. Didn’t I mention that earlier? Boy I was sure I
did. Glad we cleared that up.
A five. All I get is a five!
Jason: Smaller car.
Sandy: So, I see you're..
Carol: Mike. What he hell do you want?
Mike: Sh! You're in a library.
Carol: What are you doing in a library?
Mike: Well, I figured eventually I’d have to see the inside of one, so I thought I’d get it out of
the way. Anyway, when mum and dad ask you if you if I was here, tell them you saw me.
Alright, I’m out of here.
Carol: But what about your term paper?
Mike: I didn’t actually have one.
Carol: Well what did you tell mum and dad you did for?
Mike: Well, I needed a couple of extra bucks and, um, I couldn’t just ask mum straight out.
It’s not my style. See ya.
Sandy: Ohhh. Sorry.
Carol: Excuse me.
Guy It was my fault.
Carol: It’s ok.
Sandy: I was just looking for Joyce.
Sandy: James Joyce.
Carol: Oh. I don’t know where they keep them. I don’t go to this school.
Sandy: Oh really. What college do you go to?
Carol: College! NYU, you?
Sandy: Isn’t there just one 'u'?
Carol: No, I meant NYU, where do you go?
Sandy: Oh. Well I go here. Sophomore. So, I see you are a fan of F Scott Fitzgerald’s.
Carol: Oh, I’m doing a paper on "Tender is the Night".
Sandy: Oh, what a great book.
Carol: I know. It’s such a sad story. It’s so romantic. Love the idea of ex patriots sitting in a
cafe. Sipping good wine, talking about art and life and love.
Sandy: Want to get a beer?
Sandy: Oh, I’m sorry. That was a little abrupt. My name's Sandy.
Carol: I'm Carol.
Sandy: Well I was just thinking of taking a study break and I wondered if you wanted to go
with me across the street to the Beer Keg.
Carol: Me, go to the Beer Keg?
Sandy: Well they have wine too. We could talk about love and art and life and Paris.
Carol: Oh gee, it sounds great, but I have a lot of work to do.
Sandy: Oh! Right. Well maybe some other time.
Carol: How about right now?
Sandy: Boy, you are very decisive.
Carol: All women are at NYUU.
Carol: Mike, mike. I need your advice.
Mike: Oh. Is this a dream?
Carol: I know it’s a pathetic situation to be in, but I’m desperate.
Mike: Oh, this isn't a dream. It’s a nighmare.
Carol: Come on Mike. Get out of bed.
Mike: Hey, hey. I don’t have any pants on.
Carol: Stay in bed.
Carol: Now mike. What did you tell mum and dad, all those times you were late and didn’t
Mike: Nothing. I just snuck in.
Carol: But what if they expected you home a lot earlier?
Mike: Carol, it was me they were dealing with. They didn’t expect me home a lot earlier. Are
you just getting home now?
Mike: Holy moly. Its twelve thirty. No wonder dad said he was going o kill you.
Carol: Oh no.
Mike: Just kidding. Just kidding about the pants too.
Carol: Alright. Now how am I going to explain this to mum and dad?
Carol: Explain what? What the heck were you doing anyway?
Carol: None of your business. I'm not telling you ever.
Mike: Yeah, probably be boring anyway.
Carol: For your information, I was out with a man. What do you have to say to that?
Mike: Carol, I just hope that never in your life are you entrusted with government secrets.
Carol: What did I come to you for?
Mike: Hey, don’t get so excited. I mean its no big deal. So what, a guy picked up on you. It
was bound to happen. There are plenty of desperately lonely guys out there.
Carol: I was not picked up. It was completely innocent. And for your information, I only had
one sip of wine.
Mike: Wine. Woooo.
Carol: Just to be polite because he was older. I mean not older, he was a sophomore.
Mike: Uh hu.
Carol: Which is really only a couple of years older than I am.
Mike: But not old like a dirty old man.
Carol: You're a pig.
Mike: (burp) Thank you.
Carol: I am just going to tell mum and dad the truth.
Mike: Oh yeah. That would be real good carol.
Carol: I'm going to tell that I met a real interesting guy.
Mike: Who's probably in his twenties.
Carol: That we went to talk.
Mike: In a bar.
Carol: And that I lost track of time.
Mike: Which had nothing to do with all the wine you knocked back.
Carol: One little sip. And when the waitress said it was last call, I rushed in my car and drove
home at top speed. Look, wait, I can prove it. I even got a speeding ticket. Oh my god! I can’t
tell them that.
Mike: Carol, look. You don’t need to worry about what you are going to say to mum and dad. I
mean, they'll believe anything you say.
Carol: What do you mean?
Mike: Look, they think of you as Saint Carol. I mean you could make up any excuse and they'd
believe it. You could tell them that you were stuck in a herd of cattle.
Carol: Tell mum and dad I got stuck in a herd of cattle! That’s your great advice?
Mike: Yeah. You're right. They probably wouldn’t buy that since you lost all that weight.
Jason: Ok, thank you. No Debbie doesn’t know where she is either.
Maggie: Oh Jason, what if she’s been in an accident?
Jason: Honey, don’t worry. It’s probably some little thing so silly that you will laugh that you
Jason: Ok, you'll chuckle.
Carol. Are you OK?
Carol: Uh hu.
Jason: Well then where the heck have you been? The library has been closed three and a half
Carol: Well I’m really sorry but I ran into this huge traffic jam driving home.
Maggie: Why didn’t you call us?
Carol: I couldn’t get to a phone. I could barely move.
Maggie: You were stuck in traffic for three hours.
Carol: Uh hu.
Jason: What was the problem?
Maggie: What tied traffic up til midnight?
Carol: Uh, cattle.
Maggie and Jason: Cattle.
Carol: Yeah. One of those big trucks that carry cows got into an accident and cows were
running all over the streets. It took forever to round them up. And you know how a herd of
cattle can be.
Jason: Cows on the street. I told you it was something silly.
Maggie: Carol, I’m just glad that you are safe.
Carol: Safe and sound.
Jason: No hoof prints on the car?
Maggie: Well I guess it was kind of hard to steer the car.
Jason: Probably couldn’t get your hands on the veal.
Maggie: Goodnight honey.
Carol: Night mum.
Jason: Turn out the light.
Carol: I will dad.
Maggie: This is exactly why we need a car phone.
Jason: Only those Hollywood types have car phones.
Carol: Hello sandy. This is your friendly brunette wake up call. Hello. Sandy. This is your
briendly finette cake up wall. Uh. No, Carol. I was just calling to say I had a really great time
last night. The new Fitzgerald biography! No I haven’t seen it. Oh, I’d love to, but I have to
stay home and baby-sit tonight. No, I mean I have to leave my dorm and go over to my
parents place and baby-sit one of their children. Who is also my baby sister. You want to
come here! I mean there. I don’t think I should. Will you hold on a second? Mum, what time
are you guys leaving for the theatre tonight?
Maggie: Well we have to drop Ben at Veto’s first, so about seven thirty.
Carol: How about seven thirty four? Fifteen Robin Hood lane. See you then. Au revoir.
Jason: You better hurry. Bens circling your French toast.
Carol: Ok then.
Jason: Come on honey. Breakfast is getting cold.
Maggie: Be right down.
Jason: The Beer Keg. Open til midnight. Nightly, Student welcome. Sandy 5558321. The Beer
keg! Well, well well.
Ben: Are you sick or something?
Carol: No. Why?
Ben: well you look like someone just hit you in the head with a hammer.
Carol: I'm thinking. A concept I’m sure you would find confusing.
Jason: Mike been in yet?
Ben: Yeah, he already left for school. What’s that?
Jason: The smoking gun.
Ben: Beer Keg.
Jason: Nothing that would concern either of you.
Carol: It doesn’t?
Carol: No. Not unless you are lying about your age and sneaking into bars.
Ben: Not me.
Jason: Well, apparently Mike is. Met a girl names Sandy and got her phone number.
Ben: Alright mike. Shame shame shame. Dad, uh, instead of me going over to Veto tonight,
would it be ok if I invited him over here?
Carol: No. I mean, well what do you think dad?
Jason: Ben, you know the rules. When your parents aren’t here, the kids aren’t allowed to
have anybody over.
Ben: But Veto mum doesn’t want us over there.
Jason: Why not?
Ben: I don’t know. She said something about us driving her round the bend. I don’t even have
Jason: Well you'll just have to see Veto some other time. You’re staying here tonight.
Ben: Oh nuts.
Jason: You don’t see your sister complaining about not having somebody over.
Carol: Dad, I have an idea. Why don’t you go over to Stinkys tonight? You know dad, I bet you
could drop him off on your way to the play.
Jason: Ok, well that’s fine with me. Just check with Stinky's parents.
Ben: I'll call them right now.
Carol: Well I got to run.
Jason: Carol, were you at the library last night?
Carol: Yes, I was the entire time.
Jason: And was Mike there?
Jason: Was he really there?
Carol: Yes he was.
Jason: So you are not just covering for him?
Jason: Yes, so that he could go to this Beer bar?
Carol: No, no. I saw him.
Jason: Well there must be some other explanation. What am I asking about? I knew that you
wouldn’t be lying to me.
Carol: No,no. I wouldn’t. See ya.
Maggie: Morning honey.
Jason: Maggie. Hey when I was asleep last night, did you sneak out and go to a beer bar
called the Beer Keg, and meet a guy named Sandy?
Maggie: Who told you?
Carol: It’s almost seven thirty. You’re going to miss the beginning of the play.
Maggie: I always hate to leave the baby.
Jason: Well "Fiddler on the Roof" is a great musical and I think that Jo Nameth is going to
Ben: Well, I’m ready to go to Stinky's.
Carol: Well bye. Enjoy the show.
Maggie and Jason: Bye.
Maggie: Oh Carol did I give you...
Carol: Five five five two four two three, row twelve, seat seven and eight.
Maggie: Ok, good night honey.
Carol: I don’t know how mike does it. I cannot take this tension.
Mike: Mum, dad. Anything I can do to help around the house.
Carol: Save it Mike. They are gone and I don’t have any money either. Good bye.
Mike: Hey, look at this. They even made you clean the house while you were grounded.So,
what did you get? One week, two weeks?
Carol: No weeks. I took your advice and they believed me. Now thank you and get out.
Mike: What excuse?
Carol: the one about the cattle.
Mike: Carol, I was being sarcastic, I ,I , they bought that?
Carol: Totally. Now would you just go!
Mike: Wait, wait, wait. Now what the big rush?
Carol: There's no rush. Just leave.
Mike: Uh hu. You got somebody coming over.
Carol: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Mike: And it’s a guy. The guy you partied with last night. Wo ho! So, does mum and dad know
that you've got this nerd coming over?
Carol: Well it didn’t come up in the conversation.
Mike: Well, you're starting to cut corners just like me. Carol, you are really coming over to the
Mike: He's just coming over to lend me a book.
Mike: Yeah right. What is he, a library?
Carol: Mike, you're not going to say anything, are you?
Mike: Me! Come on Carol. I a not a snitch. As a matter of fact, I kind of admire what you got
going here. So um, I’ll just be on my way.
Mike: As soon as I find someone to type my English homework.
Carol: You have the nerve to do this to me after I lied to dad to get you out of trouble?
Mike: What trouble?
Carol: Saying that you went to the library just so that you could go to that bar.
Mike: No. I did not go to that bar. You did.
Carol: Gosh. That’s right. I don’t know a lie from the truth anymore. What’s happening to me?
Mike: I'll get that.
Carol: Alright, alright. I'll type your stupid English paper for you if you just leave right now.
Mike: Double spaced?
Mike: No misspelled words?
Mike: Deal. You drive a hard bargain Carol.
Carol: And lock the door behind you. Sour balls all over the floor! I'm turning into a slob. Do it.
It’s not worth it. It is just not worth it. It’s worth it. Hi
Sandy: I brought that book.
Carol: What book. Oh, gee. Thanks.
Sandy: Eh, can I come in?
Carol: Oh yeah. I'm sorry. Of course. Course you can come in.
Sandy: Wow, this is your parent’s house hu?
Sandy: Well, where are they? I'd love to meet them.
Carol: Oh, they're gone. My brothers are gone. Everybody’s ...gone.
Maggie: Jason, I am going inside.
Carol: My parents! Behind the chair.
Jason: I'll be in in a minute.
Carol: Because my father's insane and he carries a gun. Oh mum. What are you doing home?
Maggie: Oh, the car died and by the time we got it going we were too late for the play.
Carol: Oh what a shame.
Maggie: Oh Carol, don’t tell your dad, but I don’t care if I ever see Jo Nameth in Fiddler on the
Carol: Where is he?
Maggie: Oh imagine about right now, he's centre stage trying to sing "if I were a rich man".
Carol: No, I mean where's dad?
Maggie: Oh he's looking for the mechanics bill. I guess the mechanic didn’t put new spark
plugs in the car, and your father's fuming. You know how he gets when he thinks someone's
trying to pull a fast one on him.
Carol: Oh yeah.
Maggie: Honey, was the house dark when we drove up?
Carol: No, no.
Jason: It’s not in the glove compartment. I'll be looking in the office.
Maggie: Jason, don’t worry about it. You'll get your money back.
Jason: Oh, it’s not the money Maggie. Yes it is the money. But I hate being lied to even more.
Maggie: I'm going to peek in on Chris.
Carol: Sorry about the car dad.
Jason: I just feel sorry for your mother. You know what a Jo Nameth fan she is.
Sandy: Wow, you're right. He really is nuts.
Carol: The back door.
Carol: No, no. Get up.
Carol: Yeah dad.
Jason: Did you say something?
Carol: No dad.
Carol: Oh. Sorry about the sour balls. Are you ok?
Sandy: I just want to get out of here.
Maggie: Jason, I’ll make us some tea.
Carol: Come on!
Sandy: It’s locked. Where’s the key?
Carol: Don’t panic.
Sandy: Oh, easy for you to say. Your father's not going to shoot you.
Carol: Not there. They'll see you.
Maggie: This hallway’s a mess.
Carol: I told Ben to clean it up.
Maggie: You sure will. Where's your father?
Carol: In the office. I'll do that. I'll make you tea.
Maggie: Oh that’s ok Carol. You're off duty. Sorry we messed up your Friday night.
Carol: Oh no you didn't. Not at all.
Maggie: You know it’s only eight thirty. You could still go out if you want to.
Carol: Oh I’m fine. Just fine.
Jason: Ahhhhh! Sour balls. They are all over the floor in there.
Maggie: Oh Jason! Are you alright?
Jason: Look I found a receipt and its all there. Six new spark plugs. Look!
Maggie: Jason I believe you. Yell at the mechanic, not me.
Jason: You know what gripes me? The guy thought I wouldn’t notice. Imagine the nerve of
somebody trying to pull a fast one and me standing right there.
Carol: Dad dad. I have an idea. Why don’t you go into the living room, and I’ll bring you your
Jason: You can’t trust anybody anymore.
Sandy: Ahhh! Please don’t shoot me.
Carol: So do you guys want sugar in your tea?
Mike: Carol, what the heck are you doing...
Carol: Typing your stupid English paper. I said I would, and I am.
Mike: I didn’t even start writing it yet.
Carol: Fine, I can’t please anyone lately.
Mike: Look. Are you going through one of them female deals?
Carol: I just had a major fight with mum and dad.
Mike: Oh yeah. Are they home?
Carol: Oh yeah. And they sent me to my room, but I refused to go.
Mike: Oh, so they caught you with that guy that you were sneaking in.
Carol: Yes, and I told them about everything. The bar, the wine, the cattle, the speeding ticket,
the sour balls. And do you know what they had the nerve to do?
Mike: No, what?
Carol: They grounded me for three weeks.
Mike: Well I guess so.
Mike: Come on Carol. The one Seaver kid that they can always trust just went over to the
Carol: Yow! Well nobody's perfect.
Mike: Not anymore.
Carol: Are you saying that it’s different when I mess up because mum and dad actually trust
me, unlike you?
Mike: No. I'm sorry, I got homework to do. Now get out.
Carol: You're right. They trusted me.
Mike: Uh hu.
Carol: They've always trusted me and now I do something like this to them.
Mike: Hey look. Could you go babble in your own room?
Jason: Mike, your mother and I would like to have a word with your sister.
Mike: Take her away.
Maggie: Could you leave?
Mike: Hey, this is my own apartment.
Jason: You want to keep it?
Mike: Right, but if I mess up my English assignment, it’s on your heads.
Maggie: Carol, we sent you to your room.
Jason: And if you raise your voice, it will be three months grounding. Now let’s go back to
where we left off.
Carol: I'm sorry.
Jason: Well you should be young lady.
Carol: Look, I didn’t mean to yell. I guess I was just angry because I didn’t want to believe
that I was as slimy as mike, but now I see I was worse.
Jason: Yeah, well what you got to understand..
Carol: And I understand why you were yelling at me. I mean you were really disappointed in
me. I've betrayed your trust.
Maggie: Yes, but what's important here ...
Carol: And I have never done that before. At least not for something as serious as this. So I
guess under the circumstances, I understand why you grounded me for three weeks.
Jason: Well uh, I’m glad we can have this little talk.
Carol: You wanted to say something?
Jason: Uh, I think we've pretty much covered it now.
Carol: I'm sorry.
Maggie: Oh honey, that’s ok. I mean it’s not Ok. I mean. You know what I mean.
Jason: And hopefully you'll let us know the next time you want to sneak a guy in. I mean...
Carol: I know what you mean. And mum, dad, it won’t ever happen again. Trust me.
Jason: Well I think we are finally getting the hang of this parenting business.