Growing Pains 406
Coach: and reach and stretch and grab those grapes, and punch that guy right in the face.
Carol: Grade A students shouldn’t have to take gym.
Debbie: Oh yeah Carol. Guys really go for a curvy brain.
Shelly: If it weren’t for my shapely thighs, where would I be?
Carol: Name just one serious successful woman who worries about the shape of her thighs?
Shelly: Evana White.
Carol: Oh why, oh why didn’t I think of her?
Principle: Attention people, this is your principle, Mr. Dewitt speaking.
Principle: Point it at my face. There we go. Good morning students. yes, its me, Coming to you
via the all new Dewey High school Pa system Hooter vision. Your parents tax dollars at work.
Carol: This is like something out of Nineteen Eighty Four.
Principle: the homecoming dance is only two days away, and the decorating committee still
need help. Contact Bucky Kneehowser if you can donate any of the following decorative items;
balloons, streamers, slap shoes, chaps, whips, handcuffs..ok forget this item. And I'd like to
see Bucky Kneehowser in my office PDQ. And now the big news. The candidates who you have
selected for homecoming king and queen.
Principle: I get tingles too. Estelle, the envelope please.
Debbie: Its just like the Academy awards.
Carol: Oh yeah, will Rob Lowe be nominated, or passed over for yet another year?
Carol: Can you guys hear yourselves, you act like this is important.
Debbie: Oh and I suppose you're above all this?
Carol: This is merely an affirmation of a social order, which has been instilled on our popular
culture since kindergarten.
Shelly: I don’t think Debbie understands what you mean.
Carol: Every year, its the same chosen few that get nominated. The in crowd, the A list, the
sociees. And I’m talking about people whose biggest contribution to this school is looking
good in a sweater.
Principle: Maybe if you spent less time in the teacher’s lounge stuffing your face with
doughnuts, you’d find it...
Okee Dokee. candidates meet in the auditorium after school for briefing. First the candidates
for Queen, in alphabetical order: Joya Barnes.
Carol: And whose the girl in the tight sweater who always forgets to wear a bra?
Principle: Jennifer Calestino.
Carol: That’s her. And we must have a cheerleader or two.
Principle: Suzanne Fryman.
Principle: Heather Macombe.
Debbie: So you are saying that only the most popular kids get nominated?
Principle: And Carol Seaver.
Carol: Another case and point. What?
Shelly: I'll bet you are sorry now you let your thighs go to hell.
Debbie: I've never been best friends with someone in the in crowd before.
Carol: I'm not in the in crowd.
Debbie: As soon as we've finished having this picture taken, we are going to go to Chadwick’s
and we're going to pick you out a dress.
Shelly: Only dogs shop at Chadwick’s.
Debbie: I shop at Chadwick’s.
Shelly: Exactly. They don’t have a single dress there that shows any bosom.
Debbie: What does that matter?
Shelly: For you, not much. But Carol wants to be queen, and when you're going for votes, a
little bosom goes a long way.
Principle: We are missing a candidate. Where's the other girl?
Carol: Right here Mr. Dewitt.
Principle: You? Ha ha ha . You cant be a queen candidate. You're not showing any bosom.
Carol: No, no bosom.
Principle: Ok. Care to join us Miss Seaver. Now remember people, that the student body looks
up to you. So no crossed eyes, or obscene gestures.
Carol: (in her head) I'm in the homecoming court. Me, carol-the brain-Seaver. How am I ever
going to face mum and dad?
Jason: Honey, the best and brightest of our children is home.
Maggie: You mean the one who gets a consistent four point 0 average, is a member of the
chess club, the future physicists of America and is the daughter I vicariously live my life
through. That child?
Jason: That’s the one.
Maggie: Well let me just put this darn freelance article I’m writing aside.
Jason: I can stuff my duck anytime.
Maggie: Carol, tell us what startling achievements you made today?
Carol: Mum, dad, I have some news that might be dramatic for you.
Jason: Young lady, if you've gone and won the Nobel prize and didn’t call us, you're in big
Carol: No, I didn’t.
Jason: Ah, who cares. You are a joy to parent anyway.
Carol: I know.
Maggie: A devoted sibling.
Carol: I know.
Jason: A credit to this nation.
Carol: Dad, you're being a sycophant.
Jason: thank you.
Maggie: Carol, would you please tell me what a sycophant is.
Carol: Later mum. See, today I was nominated for home coming queen.
Jason and Maggie: (crying)
Mike: Boy its foggy in here.
Maggie: Mike, you're our best hope now.
Jason: Promise us you'll never become home coming queen.
Mike: Dad, its an electric oven. What the heck is going on around here?
Carol: I've been nominated for homecoming queen.
Mike: Hey, that’s tough. So is it like a circus theme this year?
Ben: Cheese, cheese, cheese. I need cheese to go with my rack of ribs. Hey didn't any of you
people hear what I need?
Homecoming girls: Cheese!
Photographer: That girl didn’t smile.
Principle: Miss Seaver, could you be happy for just a moment?
Carol: How’s that?
Jason: Ok Chris. I got your diapers, your wipes, your lotion, your bottle, your rattle, your salt,
your pepper..nah! You don’t need those do you? Anything else you need?
Mike: Dad, can I borrow some money?
Jason: Pardon. Mike, no.
Mike: Oh come on dad. Just twenty bucks til Friday. I mean if you ever need a favour, you got
Jason: Only twenty?
Mike: Well actually..
Jason: Twenty is all you're getting.
Mike: Alright, you drive a hard bargain dad.
Maggie: Jason we have to hurry. If we are five minutes late for this pediatrician, he'll make us
wait an hour. You know how impossible doctors can be?
Jason: Yeah, I’ve heard.
Maggie: Oh Jason, Chrissy has to be changed.
Jason: Mike. Favour time.
Mike: Oh dad! Alright. Lets get this over with Chrissy.
Maggie: Hi honey. How was school?
Carol: Well I might as well get this over with. Mum, dad, can I talk to the two of you.
Maggie: Well of course sweet heart.
Carol: Maybe you better sit.
Jason: Carol, is this serious?
Carol: I'm afraid so. Now I know that both have always thought of me as the sensible one.
Your one child with her head on the ground and feet out of the clouds. No that’s wrong.
Anyway, you can well imagine how I felt today when, when I found out that. that I was
nominated for home coming queen.
Jason: Holy cow, that is
Maggie: Carol, that is wonderful.
Carol: Congratulations! dad, I’m being lumped in with cheerleader.
Jason: Uh hu. well some of my favorite people are cheerleaders.
Carol: but all the other nominees are just pretty and popular.
Maggie: Well honey, what’s wrong with that?
Carol: Wrong. Mum, people in the homecoming court are never people of consequence. Do
you think mother Theresa was a homecoming queen?
Jason: Oh, you know for a fact that she wasn't?
Carol: Alright, alright. So we'll take mum for example. She'd never be part of something as
silly as this.
Maggie: Well actually I was homecoming queen.
Carol: That explains so much.
Maggie: Carol you can be a person of substance and still be popular and pretty.
Carol: You're not talking about Evana White, are you?
Jason: There you go.
Carol: Cant you see. The people who voted to nominate me don’t know who or what I am.
Jason: And what’s that?
Carol: My own father doesn’t know what I am.
Jason: Well do you know what you are?
Maggie: Oh Jason, just tell her what she is.
Mike: I'd be happy to do it. There you go dad. believe me, I earned that twenty bucks. And
Maggie: Carol honey, this is wonderful news. there is nothing here for you to get upset about.
Mike: What news?
Jason: Not now Mike.
Carol: No, no. Its alright. I'd like to hear what Mike has to say. Mike, I've been nominated for
home coming queen.
Mike: What this is some kind of joke, right?
Carol: No. Mike: So like is it a circus theme this year?
Carol: Thank you Mike. A lonely fool speaketh the truth.
Girl: thank you Mr. Dewitt. Thank you my family, my friends and those of you who dream of
being my friends. Thank you everyone who clings unto my prize bosom. I couldn't be the
regular gal I am without you.
Principle: What a lovely, all be it empty, sentiment. Last and certainly least, Carol Seaver.
Carol: Enough bosom for you Shelly?
Shelly: Good and plenty.
Debbie: Lovely, lovely, lovely.
Principle: Carol Seaver, we're waiting.
Carol: How do I look? Oh no. You! You think you are in the same league as these people? Ha!
Principle: Now Seaver. Move it! Don’t!
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen. If you will direct your attention to the centre ring, and feast your
eyes on the largest woman in the great state of New York. Don't be alarmed. She is merely
going through a stage.
Carol: That’s one stage I’m never going through.
Mike: Hey morning dad.
Jason: Hi mike. You're up bright and early this morning.
Mike: Yeah, well the noise of you cooking bacon and eggs woke me.
Jason: I'll try to be more careful next time.
Mike: You know, to tell you t he truth dad, I was up early to study, and well I was going to
make breakfast but I ran out of crackers.
Jason: Mike, you want some breakfast? Mike!
Mike: Oh wow. You know it never occurred to me to impose on you guys. Morning mum.
Mike: You guys are great feeding me like this.
Maggie: Put down your fork, this is carols.
Jason: Well I didn’t know you'd be joining us for breakfast mike, so I didn't cook you any eggs.
But there is plenty of cereal.
Mike: Cereal, you guys invited me in here for cereal?
Jason: Well crackers if you prefer.
Ben: Hey Mike, you want the shiny part of my bacon?
Jason: Carols not down yet?
Maggie: No. She's still not herself.
Ben: I love it when Carols in the dumper.
Carol: Good morning mum, dad, Ben and Michael.
Maggie: Honey, how are you?
Carol: I'm sitting on top of the world.
Mike: Look out Iceland.
Jason: Enough mike.
Carol: No, that was funny.
Carol: What Mike said. It was funny.
Mike: It was a fat joke.
Carol: I know.
Ben: What the heck’s going on here?
Maggie: Usually you find Mikes jokes anything but funny.
Ben: Butt funny. That’s a hot one mum.
Carol: well last night I had an insightful vision. I'm cool, I’m calm, my course id set. I know
exactly what I have to do and how I’m going to do it. All my energy is directed into one
purpose, and I have none to spare for distractions. And certainly not the primal ramblings of
this pimple faced pus bag.
Mike: That’s better.
Shelly: Carol, where have you been? You only have five minutes to make yourself presentable.
Carol: I was talking to Mr. Zurich about the fall of the roman empire.
Debbie: Fall of the Roman empire? We’ve got an election here, and you are thinking about
Carol: I thought a lot about this home coming stuff.
Shelly: I brought all my shades.
Debbie: Shelly, making Carol look like a tramp, is not the way to go about this.
Carol: And I’ve decided..
Carol: After much rational thought.
Debbie: Here. Use my blusher.
Carol: And a highly symbolic dream.
Shelly: is this what you are wearing right now?
Debbie: It sure is.
Carol: That my only course of action is..
Debbie and Shelly: No make up!
Carol: Right. How did you guess.
Shelly: Are you nuts?
Carol: no, I’m realistic. And I know I don’t belong with these people.
Shelly: neither do we.
Carol: And when my name is called today, I’m going to decline the nomination.
Debbie: You are nuts.
Carol: Nope. I just know what I am.
Debbie: we were this close to royalty.
Shelly: yeah. Til you showed her the make up you got from clown school.
Girl in red: did you here that?
Girl in blue: Carol Seaver's going for the natural look.
Girl in green: Its the old humble bit. Act like you don’t care at all.
Girl in yellow: What a cheap way to get votes.
Principle: Dewey Highs finest. The rest of you could learn from their example. How many
people did you pull from that burning building Gareth?
Gareth: Twenty four sir.
Principle: Did you hear that? Hu? Sir. Turning our attention now to some more fine Hooters,
the candidates for homecoming queen. All visions of loveliness and ..what the hell happened
Carol: Mr. Dewitt. I respectfully decline my nomination.
Principle: What? You cant.
Girl: I respectfully decline my nomination too.
Principle: The head cheerleader?
Girl 2: me too.
Other girls: So do we.
Shelly and Debbie: We'll do it. We'll do it.
Principle: Get away. Get away. you girls will resign over my dead body. Got that? let go of it.
Carol: Well if they wont let me decline their stupid nomination, I just wont go to their stupid
Maggie: Why is it stupid?
Carol: They are trying to rub my nose in it.
Maggie: Rub your nose in what?
Carol: The fact that they are so perfect.
Maggie: Carol, it sounds to me like you are afraid that they are better than you are.
Carol: well obviously you have not heard a word I’ve said, and its a waste of time to talk to a
former homecoming queen.
Maggie: Don’t take that tone with me young lady, or you'll be grounded and you wont go to
Carol: That’s what I want mum. ground me.
Maggie: Absolutely not. Now go to your room and don’t come out. Except to go to the dance.
And you. You wait til now to come in?
Jason: Oh, you said you wanted to handle it.
Maggie: And you listen to me?
Jason: Brought you a little snack.
Carol: What’s the matter, I’m not fat enough for you?
Jason: Oh no. You are plenty f..Oh no. You know what I mean. Is this the homecoming dress
that you are not going to wear>
Carol: You're not going to get me to go to that dance.
Jason: Hey, you make your own decisions. I respect them.
Carol: Thank you.
Jason: Not like you are a little girl anymore. Like in this picture. What was this ribbon? second
grade spelling B.
Carol: Yes, Y E S, yes.
Jason: Cute. Same sense of humour as your mother.
Carol: She thinks I should go and have a pleasant memory.
Jason: Hey, no pressure here. Ahhh, your happy camper medal. Do you remember that.
Carol: Barely. I was seven.
Jason: Remember how your mum and I had to drag you kicking and screaming to your first
happy camper meeting. Hu?
Carol: Dad, with all due respect, do you have a point, or are you just babbling?
Jason: Just babbling. Oh look, oh there you are with your glasses on. And what was that? Two
years ago. I don’t even recognize that girl.
Carol: Its me.
Jason: I guess the days of overalls and baby fat are gone now. This is not the Carol Seaver I
Carol: Dad, that is not babbling, that’s a point.
Jason: Well I just wanted to take a little trip down memory lane, to see how my little girl had
grown up into such an incredibly beautiful woman. You know, things happen so fast sometimes
that we forget to see the changes in a person. In ourselves.
Carol: I liked it better when you were just babbling.
Jason: You are just like your mum.
Carol: Mike, insult me.
Mike: What, don’t you knock? What, were you raised in a barn?
Carol: That’s not an insult.
Mike: What is this.
Carol: Come on. I was counting on you treating me like you always have.
Mike: And how’s that?
Carol: Like scum. Now come on. How about a fat joke for old times sake.
Mike: A fat joke. Alright uh. Ok uh. Well I’d ask you to sit down, but..
Mike: Now come on. You're taking all the fun out of this carol.
Carol: Ok, the how about a nerd joke.
Mike: Ok. A nerd joke, great.
Carol: I wont help you.
Mike: Ok. Well I’d ask you to sit down, but..Oh no. That was my fat joke. I'm loosing it, I’m
loosing it. Um,
Carol: Come on Mike. You can do it. I need one insult. You're the only person I know who wont
lie to me.
Mike: I don’t do well under pressure Carol.
Carol: I know. I've seen your grades.
Mike: Ok, who's supposed to be doing the insults here?
Carol: You are weenie. Now come on! Think. Think blimps, pigs, wide body tires.
Carol: Brains, four eyes, nerds, geeks.
Mike: Alright, alright, you're not a nerd and you're not fat anymore. What do you want from
Carol: Oh, and the next thing you are going to say is that I’m part of the in crowd and the A
list and the sociees.
Mike: well of course you are. Everybody knows that.
Carol: Oh thanks Mike. Thanks for nothing.
Mike: Well alright. You know, you've got one humungous uh..uh.. And with a face like yours,
you could..uh...Oh no, its gone.
Carol: It is going to be a circus theme this year.
Girl in red: Great dress.
Carol: You're talking to me?
Girl in red: Yeah.
Carol: Well thank you.
Both together: I'm so nervous.
Both together: You're nervous?
Carol: What do you know. Oh Jennifer, you look radiant.
Jennifer: Thank you. I have to throw up.
Carol: She's nervous too.
Girl in blue: I know what you are thinking.
Girl in blue: That I don’t belong here.
Carol: Oh no. No.
Girl in blue: well, you are right.
Girl in pink: What are you smiling at?
Carol: I'm getting the feeling that nobody feels they belong here.
Girl in pink: Not everybody is in your league, but you don’t have to rub our noses in it.
Carol: Not in my league?
Girl in pink: Oh come on. You are in all the clubs, you got great grades, great hair.
Girl in red: this is it!
Jennifer: Oh no. Not again.
Guy: Get ready people.
Principle: I present, the homecoming court.
Girl in pink: We cant leave without Jennifer.
Girl in red: Oh yes we can.
Principle: Do you people need a telegram? Lets move it, move it, move it!
Carols man: We're supposed to go now.
Carol: In a minute.
Carols man: In a minute!
Carol: Its really me.
Carols man: Uh hu. Are you having a nervous breakdown or something?
Carol: Nope. I already had it. Lets go.
Jason: Here she is.
Maggie: Hi honey. How was the dance?
Jason: Well, did you win the, uh? Are you the new, uh? You had a good time?
Maggie: And the homecoming court was?
Maggie: Oh Carol, did you?
Carol: No. Heather McDonald did. But we all got roses and a big gold bracelet.
Jason: Oh, that’s beautiful.
Maggie: Oh, that’s wonderful
Carol: And mum, you were right. It will be a wonderful memory. Night.
Mike: Oh carol, I need you. Alright. Here, are you ready for this? Here it comes. So, like, did
they make a triple sized throne for you?
Carol: Thank you Mike. That was very sweet.
Mike: I knew it. I am losing it.