Growing Pains 402
Jason: I'm just saying that I wouldn’t be going in to work tomorrow if I were two weeks over
Maggie: Well that’s because you are a better mother than I am.
Ben: Mike. Singing is for kids. Besides you promised no singing. Remember.
Mike: Hey, who's singing? All I said was Heeeee
Ben: Quit it mike. Like mum and dad said. It’s my day.
Mike: Alright, alright. It’s your party, it’s your rules. Heeeee
Jason: Honey speaking as a doctor..
Maggie: Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason. Its silent cake time.
Jason: I'm just saying that you know as well as I do, the big "this s it" moment could come at
Maggie: Really. And how many babies have you had?
Jason: I’m not going to push it. Going into work is stupid and ..enough said.
Maggie: Jason, the baby will not come..Oh I’m sorry pumpkin. No more talk about the new
baby. Like we said, it’s your day.
Ben: Thank you.
Jason: So come on. Make a wish. Blow out the candles.
Ben: I got it.
Carol: Have you guys really not decided on any names for the baby?
Carol: What? What did I say?
Mike: It was a lot worse than Heeeee.
Jason: What is Heee?
Mike: It’s just a word dad, that apparently seems to be freaking Ben out. And you know what
crap you guys have been with him lately.
Jason: Now wait a minute..
Carol: Mike. Why do you always have...?
Jason: Your mothers having a baby, it’s a big strain on the whole family.
Everyone: (talking at the same time)
Jason: You can’t blame him for acting a little irrational.
Ben: Man! Just what we need. A new Seaver.
Maggie: Hold on here. This is it.
Jason: This is what?
Jason: Are you sure?
Maggie: I'm sure. Jason
Jason: Yes, well there’s gas in the car. This is it, she said this it.
Maggie: Wow. Another one.
Carol: Oh my god. Sorry.
Jason: Contractions are six minutes apart now. You're ok?
Maggie: Uh hu.
Jason: Maggie, did I ever tell you that back in medical school, you know I thought an awful lot
about oscentrics and gynecology.
Maggie: I bet you did.
Carol: I still don’t see how you two can be so calm. I mean mum, you are about to give birth.
Perhaps the most painful, gross experience in the whole world.
Maggie: Thank you Carol.
Jason: Your mum and I have the advantage of having gone through this a few times before,
Carol: Yeah, but you were much much younger then. Sorry.
Maggie: Carol, age has nothing to do with it. When you are prepared for a situation you can
take anything in your stride.
Mike: I'm ok. Don’t worry about me. In fact, don’t worry about anything. Mum, I got your
suitcase here, and doctor Goodners phone number. Everything’s set.
Carol: Even Mike is calm. I think I’m going to be sick.
Mike: And remember, if you need anything, I’m here. I'm not afraid of blood or guts or puss or
Maggie: Mike, you know what you could do? You could heat me some water.
Mike: Water. Hot water? You mean the babies coming right now? Well, dad, you're a doctor.
Can’t you stop that thing?
Maggie: Mike, I just want some tea.
Mike: Tea. Oh. I can do that. Tea.
Hey Ben. Mum is like ready to give birth in the living room. This is major stuff here. And to
think, I used to think the gift of life was sea ms.
Carol: I finally figured it out. I did. I know why mum and dad are acting like they're so calm.
It’s an act. A cover.
Mike: Cover this.
Carol: Oh, that’s right Mike. Act like the insensitive lout that you are.
Mike: Carol, if your voice gets any higher, only dogs will be able to hear you.
Carol: Michael Seaver. I hope it’s a girl. With every ounce of my being.
Mike: Well, I don’t stand a chance.
Maggie: Oh Jason! This cant be happening now.
Jason: Why not?
Maggie: we still have to pick out names.
Jason: Well you should have thought about that before you went into labor.
Mike: Right, doctor Goodner knows we are on our way. Did you know she was a woman?
Jason: Yes. Hurry, come on everyone. In my car. Come on.
Mike: No, no. We can’t go in your car. Your car's in the shop.
Jason: What’s it doing there?
Mike: You told me to take it there.
Jason: Oh that was last week mike.
Mike: And you say I never listen.
Jason: Alright, we'll take your mothers car. Let’s go.
Carol: But you hate driving her car.
Jason: N I don’t.
Maggie: Yes you do.
Jason: Yes I do, but it’s just to the hospital.
Maggie: I don’t want to put you out.
Mike: Look, we can take my car. Alright?
Jason: Yeah, alright. Lets go.
Mike: for once, if we are stopped for speeding, I can finally say...ah not that I ever get
stopped for speeding.
Jason: I'll drive mikes car.
Carol: But we all won’t fit in Mike’s car.
Maggie: then I’ll drive my car too.
Jason: No Maggie.
Maggie: But I have to go. I'm the one that's...oh!
Mike: Ok, we are starting to sound like a bunch of dads mental patients. Ok dad. You take
mum in my car, and I’ll take carols car.
Carol: I don’t have a car.
Mike: I meant id take you in mum’s car.
Jason: What about Ben?
Mike: Ben can’t drive.
Carol: No, we almost forgot Ben.
Jason: You take him in your car, because I’ll be taking mums car, which is really....well is that
Carol: Come on Ben. We can’t wait forever.
Ben: I think I’ll just stay. I was going to watch TV tonight anyway.
Mike: Ben, you got to stop watching TV and start living your life.
Ben: TV is my life.
Jason: Excuse me. I'm Jason Seaver and my wife is a patient of doctor Goodners and she's
going to have a baby.
Maggie: Is the doctor here yet.
Nurse: Yeah, she's scrubbing up. Aren’t you that Maggie Malone from the TV news?
Nurse: I see you all the time.
Maggie: Thank you.
Nurse: I didn't say I like you. I said I see you.
Jason: Ok, can we just get on with the medical routine. We'll save the cystic enembral stuff for
Nurse: Fine. See a person tries to friendly to someone and you see what happens. Now, before
we take you off for prepping, Mrs Malone..
Maggie: Mrs Seaver.
Nurse: Oh, you are one of those. Anyway, this hospital has what is known as a birthing room.
Jason: Yes. My wife and I have told the kids all about it.
Nurse: Sir can I please do my job? Now, this birthing room allows the whole family to be a
part of, and witness to, the beauty of birth.
Jason: Now this kid wants out.
Nurse: Bernie, we got another customer. Lets roll.
Carol: Alright, alright.
Mike: Ok mum, you'll be fine.
Carol: Have fun.
Carol: Don’t forget the suitcase.
Mike: Don’t worry dad. I'll stay here with nervous little carol. Dad you forgot your camera.
Voice: Doctor Johnson, call your broker.
Carol: Watching a birth would be so fleshy.
Mike: It’s kind of like watching Alien in 3D.
Carol: I thought you were staying here cos, cos someone has to stay here with nervous little
Mike: Well if it will make you happier Carol, then I’ll leave. And you can stay here with little
Voice: Doctor Zeigler, call admissions.
Mike: Alright carol, what did you do with Ben?
Mike: Me! Carol, this is no time to be thinking about yourself. Now, now was he in the elevator
Carol: I, I, I don’t remember.
Mike: I I I, what is it with you today?
Carol: Alright, now why would Ben pick now, of all times, to run off?
Mike: Well I don’t know. Maybe he’s upset because he thinks with the new baby, he thinks
maybe we don’t have time for him.
Carol: Well that’s silly. With the new baby, we don’t have time for bens silliness.
Mike: Carol, if you ever think about becoming a child counselor, don’t.
Carol: Look, do you want to stay here and insult me, or do you want to go look for Ben?
Mike: Carol, what I want does not matter here. Ok? Now I’ll check this floor and you go check
the other eight.
Carol: The other eight!
Mike: Where have you been?
Carol: I had eight floors to check. What have you been doing?
Mike: Checking every nook and cranny on this floor. And you'll never believe what I saw this
old lady doing in the supply room.
Carol: Alright, now bens got to be some place obvious.
Mike: No, I already checked. The cafeteria's not open at this hour.
Well I guess we're just going to have to tell mum and dad that you've lost him.
Carol: I lost him!
Mike: Good, you admit it.
Carol: We can’t tell them anything now.
Mike: Are you out of your mind? One of their children is missing.
Carol: Oh come on Mike. Don’t you think that they are a little busy?
Mike: With what? Oh!
Voice: Doctor Waller, report to OR.
Ben: You guys think you are so cute.
Doctor: Kid, kid. You don’t belong here.
Ben: It’s official.
Maggie: Ah, shut up Jason!
Doctor: You are doing just fine Maggie. It won’t be long now. Eight centimeters dilated.
Jason: Thank you doctor.
Doctor: You are welcome doctor.
Jason: Oh! Come on Maggie, you can do it.
Maggie: You can do it! That’s supposed to make me feel better? You call yourself a coach?
Jason: That’s good Maggie. You take your mind off your pain.
Maggie: Take my mind off my pain. Ok. Do you know how annoying it is to be married to
someone with your toilet habits?
Jason: No. What?
Maggie: You always leave the damn seat up in the damn bathroom. You’d think that after all
this time, you’d get it through your thick scull that I don’t enjoy sitting down in water.
Maggie: and Jason: (making noises)
Doctor: He leaves the seat up. That’s what did it in my first marriage. Does he leave half a
sheet on the roll without replacing it?
Doctor: men can be such babies.
Jason: Speaking of babies, can we just get on with this one? Thank you.
Carol: Its ok mike. We got the right room this time.
Jason: Hi kids. Come on in. Where’s Ben?
Mike: Ben. Ah, I mean Ben.
Carol: We're certainly not here looking for him.
Jason: Where is he?
Mike: The cafeteria.
Carol: The waiting room.
Mike: the waiting room.
Carol: The cafeteria.
Mike: He's waiting in the cafeteria.
Jason: A little squeamish about coming in hu?
Mike: Yeah. We got to tare this place apart until we find him.
Carol: I know.
Jason: You just go tell him its not so scary being in here.
Mike: I've being trying to tell you for the last hour Carol.
Maggie: and Jason: (making birth noises)
Voice: Doctor Sullivan call your wife.
Patient: Damn. Yo pal. Can you fetch that for me? I don’t bend over so good.
Ben: Uh yeah.
Patient: Thanks, I owe you.
Ben: Can you smoke in a hospital?
Patient: Are you a doctor?
Patient: A nurse?
Patient: An orderly?
Patient: I can smoke in a hospital. So who the hell are you?
Ben: Ben Seaver.
Patient: Ben Seaver! The Ben Seaver?
Ben: You've heard of me?
Patient: No. So Ben Seaver, what are you doing here?
Patient: Ah good. If you come in we can chew the fat.
Ben: Fat! I lost ten pounds.
Patient: I mean talk. jaw, chat. Get down. Come in. Nice place hu? Oh, by the way, I’m Chris
long shot Gaynee. You can call me Chris.
Patient: So, let me guess, you wander hospitals for a living?
Patient: You're not much of a conversationalist, are you?
You got some problems?
Ben: I don’t know.
Patient: Oh come on. You're the first person I’ve seen around here without a needle in his
hand. Maybe I can help you out with your problem. It would make me feel better. You know I
love to have guys tell me their problems. That’s what I do for a living.
Ben: My dad does the same thing.
Patient: No kidding. He's a bar tender too?
Mike: I don’t know what that must have been. I must have inhaled some of the anesthesia or
Carol: Probably your socks.
Jason: Now I just want you to take it easy for a while. OK?
Maggie: Excuse me Jason, there is another patient here.
Jason: Oh yes, yes. This is my special patient. My one and only patient.
Carol: You're not going to wimp out of helping me look for Ben, are you?
Mike: Carol, I am just as concerned as you are about the little pus bucket. Alright?
Ben: You know Chris, I didn't even get to open my presents. They didn’t even sing to me.
Patient: Oh, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie. Pull yourself together.
Ben: Hit me again.
Patient: You're not driving, are you?
Patient: Bar tender joke.
Ben: I don't get it Chris. I just don’t get it. I mean I figured it would be alright with this new
kid coming, but he's crowding me already.
Patient: And he's not even born yet.
Ben: Right! I mean I've been the youngest Seaver my whole life. Before that, I was nothing.
Now with this new kid coming, what am I now...nothing.
Patient: Nothing! Come on Bennie, you're getting carried away. That’s not the milk talking is
Ben: I got to just face it. I'm being replaced. You wouldn’t have any cookies to go with this
Patient: If they catch me with these, they are going to give me a physic.
Ben: What’s a physic?
Patient: You don’t want to know, eat the cookies. Now look, Bennie pal. Since you and me go
back a long way, I’m going to tell you something I don’t tell everybody. You know in all my
years as a bar tender, I’ve seen a lot of things. Youth, age, birth, and everything else. And the
biggest lesson I’ve learned is, well, all those old clichés are true. Time does heel all wounds.
Life does go on. Twelve year olds do not listen to you. Now look, cos I didn't now it was your
birthday, I didn't have time to wrap your present. But take it anyway hu? Its a little advice
from an old man. You know, I’ll tell you, I’ve been a lot of things; a bar tender, a veteran, a
cowanian, or is it a Rotarian, I can never get that right. Also, I’ve, I’ve also been a husband, a
father, a son. But you know the thing I enjoyed being best? A big brother.
Ben: Big brother.
Patient: You got a big brother? What do you think of him?
Ben: Oh he's the best. He treats me like a doofus, but he's the greatest guy I know.
Patient: Now think about how nice it will be to have someone around who thinks that same
way about you. I mean, even if you did treat him like a goofus.
Patient: Whatever. Ben Seaver, you are a lucky man. You are not being replaced. You're being
added on to. Hey pal, this is not a gift you are going to get every birthday. From now on, you
are going to be Big Brother Ben.
Ben: Big Brother Ben?
Patient: Another thing I’ve learned as a bartended is that if you can’t solve a guys problem,
try and help him forget it. So as a result of that I happen to have a top shelf of top shelf jokes.
Guaranteed to crack the sourest pus into hysterical laughter. You're ready?
What’s got four legs, a tail, and barks?
Ben: A dog.
Patient: You heard it.
Jason: Push Maggie. Push.
Doctor: I can see the head.
Maggie: Oh Jason, I’m never going through this again.
Jason: Oh that’s what you said after Mike.
Push. And Carol. Push. Oh and Ben.
Doctor: Well done.
Maggie: Oh Jason, this is not something that a forty year old woman should do.
Doctor: You want a boy, or you want a girl?
Jason: What have you got?
Patient: Alright, I give up. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Ben: An elephino.
Patient: I got it, I got it. Here, shuffle these will you. Now listen. I probably shouldn’t tell you
this one, but, the prettiest girl you ever saw walks into a bar dressed like a fish.
Ben: My fins, I thought they were your fins.
Patient: You know it. Well that’s a pretty racy joke.
Ben: I know. My big brother told it to me.
Patient: Well that’s enough of corrupting the morals of a minor. Let’s get back to gambling.
Alright, you ready?
Patient: Got any sevens?
Ben: Go fish. You know Chris, smoking those things is bad for ya.
Patient: Ah, it’s alright Bennie. These cigars won’t hurt me. Nothing will.
Ben: So, are you getting out of here real soon.
Patient: Yeah. Soon.
Ben: Great, cos maybe you can come visit me then. Chris?
Patient: Your turn, your turn.
Mike: Hey Ben. What the heck have you been doing?
Ben: Gambling and telling dirty jokes.
Carol: Ben, we've been looking all over for you.
Ben: I didn't know.
Mike: Yeah, I hope my stupid brother hasn’t been bothering you.
Patient: Oh, he's been a real pain in the neck.
Mike: Come on Ben. The new babies here. Lets go.
Patient: That’s your big brother? He seems like a neat guy. What do you think you got. A new
brother or a new sister?
Ben: I don’t care.
Patient: Hey, I don’t believe that. Now you go on down and find out what it is. Go go.
Ben: Bye Chris.
Patient: So long pal.
Maggie: Oh Jason, she's beautiful.
Jason: Just like her mother. Oh Maggie, you did it.
Maggie: We did it. And sweetheart, I’m so sorry for all my yelling at you.
Jason: What yelling?
Maggie: I want you to know that I love being married to you and you can leave the toilet
seat up until we are old and grey.
Jason: Honey, that’s the most romantic thing you have ever said to me.
Hello, come say hello to your new baby sister.
Mike: It’s a girl? You mean I went through all that for another girl?
Carol: Oh, she's a little angel.
Mike: Are you sure it’s a girl?
Jason: Yeah. Pretty sure.
Carol: Can I hold her? Now it’s finally even. Mike, do you want to hold her?
Mike: No, I might break her or something.
Ben: Major weenie.
Mike: Alright I’ll hold her. Wow, she weighs less than a bowling ball. I was never this small.
Maggie: Oh you were.
Mike: A whole new Seaver. I guess that makes six of us now. Well I’m...
Jason: Growing up?
Mike: Yeah. Never thought I’d be this..alergic.
Jason: Well there are some things in life that no amount of planning can ever make you ready
Maggie: And holding a new born baby is probably the best one in the whole world.
Mike: Hey Ben, you want to hold her?
Jason: You're big brother Ben now.
Ben: Big brother Ben.
Jason: So what do you think?
Ben: I think she's cool.
Jason: She's cool.
Maggie: Look Jason, we can’t hold off naming her any longer now.
Jason: Yeah, I know I know. Well let’s tell the kids the name we agreed on. Urma.
Maggie: I never agreed to Urma. I agreed to Sophie.
Mike: Hey, hey, how do you feel about Appleonia?
Ben: Chris. Its go to be Chris.
Maggie: Chris. I like that name.
Jason: Yeah, I like that name too. Where did you come up with that Ben?
Ben: It’s the name of a guy I know. A friend.
Carol: Chris Seaver.
Jason: Chris Seaver.
Maggie: Christine Seaver.
Mike: Sounds like a name.
Ben: I'm going to be a good big brother Chris. You'll see. I don’t even mind sharing my
birthday with you.
Jason: Christine Seaver, eight pounds four ounces. Born twelve o three am.
Ben: Twelve o three? You mean its tomorrow? The day after my birthday?
Jason: Well that’s one way of looking at it.
Jason: Hey, I almost forgot. Congratulations Mr Seaver. Have a cigar.
Ben: Happy Birthday Chris.