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英语六级范文(1)

2014-03-11    来源:网络    【      托福雅思口语高分过

Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled "What electives to choose". You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.

1.各大学为学生开设了多种多样的选修课  2.学生出于各种原因选择不同的选修课 3.以我自己为例……

【原文】
What electives to choose
There’re many elective courses for students to choose in universities, ranging from arts to zoologies. As for me, I took a harmonica (口琴) to play in this semester.

I think the additional courses can give me such a special feeling that you can’t get from compulsory courses. For example, when I felt dull in learning English, I took up the harmonica playing for a while, and all the uncomfortable feelings went away.

One of my roommates chose Japanese as her elective course. She told me that Japanese will be useful in the future, which can make her resume looks like more acceptable.

It’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizons. As the saying goes: You can’t have the cake and take it." We shouldn’t ignore the major we are studying while immerse ourselves into the pleasure of elective courses.

【修改后的文章】
What electives to choose
There’re many elective courses for students to choose from at my university, ranging from art to zoology. For instance, I took a course on the harmonica this semester.

I think the elective courses give me a feeling that I can’t get from compulsory courses. For example, when I’m bored with learning English homework, I take out the harmonica and play for a while, and immediately all my uncomfortable feelings will go away.

One of my roommates chose to take Japanese as an elective. She believes the class will prove useful to her career. After all, a second language can make her resume look more attractive. But she is  more practical than I am, and I’d say that the majority of students choose their electives out of personal interest.

There’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizon. However, as the saying goes, "You can’t have your cake and eat it, too." We shouldn’t neglect the major courses we are studying while immersing ourselves in the pleasures we find in elective courses.

【点评】
这篇作文写得还算可以,作者基本上可以用英语表达自己的意思,看的人也能基本上悟出作者想表达的意思。缺点是文章组织得不是很好,看上去作者没有仔细琢磨考试要求,没有预先构思,考试*大而是信手写来。从语言上看,作者的基本功不够扎实,有些句子结构错误,有些地方用词不够准确,对英语的习语和搭配也把握不准。下面是几点具体的修改意见:

1. 考试要求中的三点文章虽然都提到了,但是对第二点"学生出于各种原因选择不同的选修课"表述不够充分,只提到自己和同寝室一位同学的例子。所以在修改后的文字第二段末尾加了一句"But she is more practical than I am, and I’d say that the majority of students choose their electives out of personal interest" ,这样简单地概括了选课的两种类型,一种重实用,一种重兴趣,以弥补原文内容上的不足。

2. 语法结构方面的问题
第二段第一句"I think the additional courses can give me such a special feeling that you can’t get from compulsory courses"中的"such"应当去掉。这句话中的"that"从句应该是一个定语从句,修饰名词"feeling" ,不应该是"such…that"那种句型。

第二段第二句中的"I took up the harmonica playing for a while"应改为"I take out the harmonica and play for a while" 。原句中的"playing for a while"是一个现在分词结构,只能做状语,修饰"took up" ,表达的考试*大意思是一面拿一面吹,两个动作同时进行。这显然不是作者想要表达的意思。当然, "拿出来"应为"take out" ,而不是"take up" 。

第三段第二句中的"which can make her resume looks like more acceptable"建议改为"A second language can make her resume look more attractive" 。这里有四个问题。一是"which"引导的非限制性定语从句用得不对, "which"在这里只能指代前面的句子,如是,就讲不通了。实际上这里说的是第二外语"Japanese" 。所以应另起一句,直接用"A second language"做主语。第二个问题是"make"这个动词的宾语补语如果是不定式,应当用动词原形,不带"to"。第三个问题是"looks like"应改为"look" , "look"是一个连系动词,后面直接接形容词做表语, "looks like"后面接名词,例如: "What does you brother look like?"第四个问题是"acceptable"用得不准确,建议改为"attractive" 4. 第四段第一句"It’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizons"应改为"There’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizon" 。 "It"这个代词作先行词应指代后面的名词从句,可是本句中的"that"从句是"deny"的宾语, "It"就没有什么可指代了。显然是作者把用法记错了。



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