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英语六级范文(2)

2014-03-12    来源:网络    【      托福雅思口语高分过

Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled “Recreational activities”. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.

1.娱乐活动多种多样。 2.娱乐活动可以使人们受益,也可能带来危害。3.作为大学生,我认为……

【原文】
Recreational activities
Long gone are the days when students came home from school, did their homework, previewed the content of the next day and then went to bed at 9 o’clock. Today, there is a world of recreational activities out there waiting for you, with countless choices from seeing a movie followed up with a romantic dinner with your girlfriend, to just hanging around with your fellows chatting and laughing. And it’s all up to you how to choose from all kinds of activities.

Recreational activities can certainly bring us good, as we all know for sure. With so much pressure upon our shoulders, we definitely need chances to relax. Besides, some recreational activities, say a concert, can broaden our horizons as well as entertain us, which is more than perfect. But every coin has two sides, as the old saying goes. Recreational activities can also bring us harm. Far too addicted to online games, many students failed in their exams and some are even expelled. Furthermore, activities which are not proper for us can also affect us psychologically. Failed to win a battle in the virtual world online, a 14-year-old boy ended up suicide, which is really horrible.

As a college student, I think we should choose our recreational activities properly and have a better control over ourselves, which means we should first of all know what is good for us and what is not, and then avoid getting addicted to it no matter how much we enjoy it. And if we do so, I believe our recreational activities will be more colorful, as we  ell as beneficial.

【修改后的文章】
Recreational activities
Gone are the days when students came home from school, did their homework, previewed lessons for the next day and then went to bed at 9 o’clock. Today, there is a great variety of recreational activities out there waiting for you, from seeing a movie with your girlfriend and following it up with a romantic dinner to just hanging around with your friends, chatting and laughing. And it’s all up to you what you choose.

Recreational activities can certainly do us good. Facing so much pressure, we students definitely need chances to relax. Besides, some recreational activities, say a concert, can broaden our horizons as well as entertain us. But as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides. Recreational activities can also do us harm. Far too addicted to online games, many students fail in their exams. And some of them are even expelled from school. Furthermore, inappropriate activities can also affect our mental health. Failing to win a battle in the virtual world, a 14-year-old boy ended up committing suicide, which is really horrible.

As a college student, I think we should choose our recreational activities carefully. This means we should first of all know what is good for us and what is not. We should also have self control in order to avoid getting addicted to an activity, no matter how much we enjoy it. If we do so, I believe our recreational activities will bring us benefits and make our life more colorful 

【点评】
这篇作文写得很好,作者思路开阔,文章内容丰富,表达亦相当自由。也就是说,作者英语基本功比较扎实,驾驭英语复杂句子结构的能力比较强,词汇量也比较大,因此才能自由地表达自己的观点。不足的是,文章中还是有少量的语法错误和习惯用法错误。另外,有些地方组织得不够严谨,留下了一些无关紧要的话,反而削弱了文章的连贯性。下面是几点具体的修改建议。

1. 第一段第一句中的“previewed the content of the next day”显然还带有中国式英文的色彩,建议改为“previewed lessons for the next day”。

2. 第一段第二句中的“there is a world of recreational activities out there waiting for you, with countless choices from seeing a movie… ”建议改为“there is a great variety of recreational activities out the  re waiting for you, from seeing a movie…”。原文中的“with countless choices”应该删除,因为下面接的“seeing a movie”就是activities”的一种,直接接上更为紧凑。同一句中“seeing a movie followed up with a romantic dinner with your girlfriend”建议改为“seeing a movie with your girlfriend and following it up with a romantic dinner”。原文语法没有错,但是表达不够精炼。



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