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英语六级范文(6)

2014-03-18    来源:网络    【      托福雅思口语高分过

Directions:For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write an announcement to welcome students to join a club. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below in Chinese:
1. 本社团的主要活动内容 2. 参加本社团的好处 3. 如何加入本社团

【原文】
Welcome to our club
Do you feel worn out? Do you want to relax yourself? Do you want to enrich your life? Now, you can make a wise choice to join up our Fun Club.

There are many kinds of activities in our club, including entertainment and study. We will hold a party on every Friday evening, during the time you can sing and dance to music. Besides, you can go for a picnic every weekend. As for study, we provide many books related your major courses. And we set up a new English corner, where you can improve your spoken English. If you join up our club, there are many advantages waiting for you. First, you can practice yourself and build up your social ability. Second, you can make more new friends. Most of all, you can balance between work and study.

There are several ways we can join up Fun Club. You can directly go to Room 300. You can also call the number 9542xxxx. Besides, you can send an e-mail to mail@funclub.com. Don’t hesitate to take action at once.

【修改后的文章】
Welcome to our club
Do you feel worn out? Do you want to relax? Do you want to enrich your life? Why not join our club?

Our club is named "Fun Club" because we organize many interesting activities that can involve both entertainment and study. We hold a party on every Friday evening, at which you can sing and dance to music. Besides, we have a picnic every weekend. As for study, we provide many books related to your major courses and offer chances for you to compare notes on your studies. And we plan to set up a new English corner, where you can improve your spoken English. So, if you join our club, you’ll have many benefits. First, you can get lots of practice and build up your social skills. Second, you can make many new friends. Most of all, you can achieve a balance between study and entertainment.

There are several ways you can join our Fun Club. You can go directly to Room 300 to apply. You can also call us at 9542xxxx. Or you can send an application to us at mail@funclub.com. Don’t hesitate. It’ll be great fun!

【点评】
这篇作文基本上达到了大学英语四级的写作要求,能以简单的书面英语传达自己的意思,语言错误不多。该生对英语句子结构的掌握比较好,但是对英语的习惯搭配却不太注意,语感不是很好。下面是几点具体的修改建议。

1. 第一段第二句"Do you want to relax yourself"中的yourself"是多余的。动词"relax"既可作及物动词用,也可以作不及物动词 用,例如:

Just sit back and relax, and enjoy the music.

She realized how tense she was and forced herself to relax.

What Robin needed was a good drink to relax herself.

很多学生喜欢在"relax"之后接"myself/yourself", 但在英语中"relax"之后接反身代词的情况极为少见。常接的宾语是"muscle", "hold/grip", "rules/controls/regulations", "vigilance/concentration"一类词。同样,第一段第四句"to join up our Fun Club"以及后面两段中的"up"也是多余的。加入某个团体或组织,用"join"即可,例如:

During the war, he joined the air force and became a pilot.

"Join up"常作"参军"解,但是不及物,后面不跟宾语,例如:

He joined up right after leaving school.

"Join up"作及物动词时,意为"连接" ,例如:

You need to join up these two lines.

2. 第一段第四句中的"you can make a wise choice"不如改为"you can make a wise decision" 。 "make a choice"是在几个东西中挑一个,作一个选择,可这里没有提到别的选择,用"choice"就不合适了。

3. 第二段第二句的"during the time you can sing and dance to music", 应该改为"at which you can sing and dance to music" ,或者干脆将这一句拆分为两句。英语中,主从复合句必须有连接词连接主句和从句,如果没有连接词,则各个子句是独立的,应该用句号分开。

4. 第二段第四句的"we provide many books related your major courses"应改为"we provide many books related to your major courses"。动词"relate"的搭配应为"relate sth. to sth.",



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