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英语六级范文(7)

2014-03-19    来源:网络    【      托福雅思口语高分过

Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled "What electives to choose". You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1.各大学为学生开设了多种多样的选修课;2.学生出于各种原因选择不同的选修课;3.以我自己为例……

【原文】
What electives to choose
Recent years has witnessed a great change in Chinese university's education. With electives' appearance, students have more to choose and more to learn. Art, designing, economics are no longer simply for students who choose them as major. And it is not rare to find a student in the major of Japanese in a class of Ancient Egyptian Study.

The reason why college students choose different electives differs from person to person. How to decide which elective to choose? In general, there are two trends.

Some students choose their electives by their interests. By asking "Do I love the subject?" to themselves, they make quick and easy decisions. Those students basically have enthusiasm in the electives they choose, so that they are likely to be more motivated.

Some other students, however, choose by judging how much points he or she could get from the teacher. Keeping asking students who had taken the elective before, they evaluate whether the elective's teacher will easily give students good scores. For sure, those students will choose the teachers who are "mercy" enough to let them pass.

From my point of view, an elective from which students can receive a high score is nice. However, choosing an elective which satisfies one's interests is more important. I myself chose a difficult history class this term. It is hard indeed, but it gives me a new look at the ancient time in China. The elective takes my time, but increases my love for it. In this case I am more motivated and putting more efforts on it. With my hard work, I believe the score will not be disappointing. Only by choosing the electives you love can you really learn what you love.

【修改后的文章】
What electives to choose
Recent years have witnessed a great change in China's higher education. With the offering of electives in universities, students now have more courses to choose from, and more to learn. Art, design and economics are no longer simply for students who choose them as majors. And it is not rare to find a Japanese major sitting in a class about ancient Egypt.

College students choose their electives for different reasons. How do they decide which elective to choose? In general, there are two trends.

Some students choose their electives based on their interests. By asking themselves, "Do I love the subject?" they make quick and easy decisions. Those students basically have enthusiasm for the electives they choose, so they are likely to be more motivated in what they are learning.

Other students, however, choose their electives by speculating what grade they might get from the teacher of the elective. Making inquiries of students who have taken the elective before, they try to find out whether they will get a good score. Sure enough, those students will choose electives whose teachers will likely be "generous" enough to give them an "A".

From my point of view, an elective for which students can receive a high score is nice. But choosing an elective that satisfies one's interests is more important. I myself chose a difficult history course this term. It is indeed hard, but it has given me a fresh glimpse of ancient times in China. The elective takes a lot of my time, but it has increased my love for my country.

For this reason, I have a lot of motivation and put in a lot of effort. With hard work, I believe my final grade will not be disappointing. Only by choosing electives you love can you really benefit from the courses.

【点评】
这篇作文写得很好。从文字上看,语言基本功扎实,驾驭复杂句子结构的能力很强。略显不足的是有些地方用词还不够确切,不完全符合英语的习惯用法。下面是几点具体的修改建议:

1. 第一段第一句中的"Recent years has witnessed"应改为"Recent years have witnessed"。"year"可数。同一句中的"in Chinese university's education"应改为"in China's higher education"或"in Chinese institutions of higher learning"。

2. 第一段第二句中的"With electives' appearance"应改为"With the offering of electives"。该生用"appearance",可能是受汉语的影响。同一句中的"students have more to choose"应改为"students have more courses to choose from"。因为实际的情况是大学生可选的课程多了,不是选的课多了。

3. 第一段第四句中的"a student in the major of Japanese"不妥,日语专业学生应翻译为"a Japanese major"。

4. 第二段第一句中的"The reason why college students choose different electives differs from person to person"应改为"The reason why college students choose an elective differs from person to person",作者想要表达的意思是"学生选(同一门)课的原因不一样"而不是"学生选不同的课的原因不一样"。不过这个句子很罗嗦,建议简化为修改后的文章中的形式。

5. 第三段第一句中的"by their interests"应改为"based on their interests",才符合英语的习惯。

6. 第三段第二句中的"By asking 'Do I love the subject?' to themselves"应改为"By asking themselves, 'Do I love the subject'?"。

7. 第四段第一句中的"choose by judging how much points he or she could get from the teacher"建议改为"choose their electives by speculating what grade they might get from the teacher of the elective"。"Judge"的意思是"在调查事实的基础上做出判断",用在这里不贴切。

8. 第四段第二句"they evaluate whether the elective's teacher will easily give students good scores","evaluate"的意思是"对某一事物的价值或重要性进行评估",用在这里不确切。

9. 第四段第三句中"…will choose the teachers who are 'mercy' enough to let them pass",建议改为"will choose electives whose teachers will likely be 'generous/lenient' enough to give them an 'A'"。"mercy"为名词,形容词是"merciful"。

10. 第五段第六句中的"putting more efforts on it"应为"put in a lot of effort",或"put a lot of effort into it"。"Put effort on…"不符合英语的习惯搭配。

11. 第五段最后一句中的"…can you really learn what you love"改为"…can you really benefit from the courses"。这样,文章的结尾就又回到了选修课这个题目上。



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