Growing Pains 122
Jason: Maggie! What's Uncle Bob doing sleeping in my office?
Maggie: Oh...He and Mike played Poker last night. Mike won his room back.
Jason: Really? Well, I'm glad to see Mike getting the upper hand for a change.
Maggie: Me too. Too bad he lost your car.
Jason: Well maybe Uncle Bob wouldn't mind giving us a lift to the store later.
Mike: Where's Uncle Bob?
Maggie: Still asleep I guess.
Mike: You mean he's not up yet? Oh thank you, God! Dad can I borrow some of your shaving
Jason: I'd give it a while.
Mike: Come on Mom! I mean I may never get another chance like this again, he's sprayed me
four mornings in a row.
Maggie: Four mornings in a row? Take no prisoners.
Mike: Yes sir!
Jason: You're bad!
Maggie: Always support the home team.
Carol: Ok. Ben and I have ten Bucks saying Uncle Bob beats Mike in the Limbo contest.
Ben: Want a piece of the action?
Maggie: You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves betting against your own brother Jason:
You're mother's right kids.
Carol: It was Mike's idea. He said he'd cover any bet against him.
Mike: And he's giving three to one odds.
Jason: Three to one! Wow!
Jason: I'm just scratching.
Mike: He's dead.
Maggie: Oh my God!
Maggie: For those of you that cried at the funeral, I just want to say that it's nothing to be
Jason: Thank you Maggie.
Maggie: Well! Are we all ready?
Carol: This feels kind of strange Mom.
Maggie: Oh it won't after we get started honey. Uncle Bob called this a "remembering
session". When someone in my family passed on, Uncle Bob would lead us all in sharing fond
memories of that person.
Jason: Who he would lovingly refer to as "the dearly defunct".
Maggie: Who wants to start? Ok then, I will. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a dancer.
And do you know why?
Maggie: Because Uncle Bob took me to my very first ballet. And I remember he said, "They
walk around on their toes, they do flapping things with their arms, and it doesn't make any
sense, but it's pretty." Ain't it?
Carol: Remember when I had my appendix out?
And Uncle Bob brought one in a jar and told me not to worry, because he knew how to put it
Ben: Yeah! And when the nurse came, he showed her the jar, and said he got it out of the soda
Jason: And then he said he wanted his Quarter back.
Maggie: Oh! And remember what to do when passing slow cars on the road?
Everyone: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
Ben: I remember when how much fun it was when Uncle Bob would make Mike lose.
Ben: He could run faster, shoot baskets better, he played games like a champ.
Mike: I let him win.
Ben: Sure you did. Remember the last visit?
Ben: They're in the home straight and it's not even close!
Maggie: Oh Jason, he lost again, he'll be crushed.
Jason: I know. He tries so hard too.
Ben: Here he comes!
Uncle Bob: And the winner is...
Ben: Uncle Bob, by a mile!
Ben and Carol: Uncle Bob! Uncle Bob! B! O! B! Uncle Bob!
Uncle bob: Please! Please! Just throw paper money.
Maggie: Congratulations! Are you through humiliating my son for the evening?
Uncle Bob: I don't know? Carol?
Carol: We can make it if we hurry.
Uncle Bob: Let's do it!
Uncle Bob: So the other fellow says, "If I can walk that way, I wouldn't nee talcum powder".
Mike: At least you're not the kind of guy who likes to rub it in.
Uncle Bob: Thanks for the help guys.
Ben: Are you kidding? We live for stuff like this!
Jason: Ben! Don't let them tease you son!
Mike: Hey, it's alright Dad, I can take it.
Jason: At a boy! Hey you want some pizza? Uncle Bob stopped for one on the way back.
Uncle Bob: Come on pal! Don't take it so hard. You know you're my favourite nephew...what's
your name again?
Mike: Alright look! You beat me again, but I'm young and sooner or later I'm gonna come out
Jason: Glutton for punishment! Shall we say running shoes at dawn?
Mike: You're on!
Uncle Bob: Alright!
Mike: I'm first in the shower.
Maggie: Well how about that! Mike finally got the best of you at something.
Uncle Bob: Oh well, not really. I took the knobs off the shower.
Mike: Hey I didn't want to take a shower.
Maggie: Your turn Mike. What do you remember?
Mike: Deuces, Jacks, man with an axe. Pair of natural Sevens takes all.
Mike: It's Poker. God, I loved to play Poker with Uncle Bob! Even if he did always win.
Uncle Bob: (singing) "You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss". Boy she was some
beautiful dame. I thought we'd always be together, and then the war came, she shipped. I
gave her a carton of cigarettes. Your bet!
Mike: Yeah that's some sad story...the love of a your life. Didn't you ever meet anyone else?
Uncle Bob: No one like her. Two Jacks! We'll always have Milwaukee!
Mike: Hey Uncle Bob, there's this er... there's this girl on my Geometry class that I like...
Uncle Bob: Huh
Mike: And when I look at her I get the chills.
Uncle Bob: Put a jacket on. You got a D in Geometry, you can do better than that! Do you
Mike: Yeah! I'm trying.
Uncle Bob: One! Try harder.
Mike: I will.
Uncle Bob: I bet ten.
Mike: Alright, I'll see your ten, and I'll raise you ten more.
Uncle Bob: Well? What have you got?
Mike: I got three aces.
Uncle Bob: Full house, nines and fours.
Mike: God, I can't believe it. You win every hand!
Uncle Bob: Mikey! Mikey! I'm four times older than you. I've got experience. One day you'll
have experience...although I wouldn't hold my breath. Holy Mackerel! Would you look at the
time? Your mother's gonna kill me for keeping you up this late.
Mike: Oh no, it's ok really. She lets me get away with everything when it comes to you.
Uncle Bob: She does? Let's go down town and get some tattoos!
Ben: You got tattooed?
Mike: He was just kidding! The most important thing I ever learnt from Uncle Bob, was "never
draw to an inside straight".
Jason: Hey! You remember that Thanksgiving when Uncle Bob the whole turkey out and he
put it in front of big old Aunt Doris and he said, "you go ahead and start! Ours will be out in
Mike: Alright already! Look, you wake me up at three thirty in the morning. I say "no
problem", I come down here and what do I get for you? Butter milk, butter milk. I hate butter
milk, but I'm gonna drink some right now. You know why? 'Cause you like it! That's right!
Yeah, am I your buddy or what? (burps) You bet ya!
Uncle Bob: Morning Mike!
Mike: Ah it was just a dream. It didn't really happen. Oh my bed, I love you. Thank you for
only making it a dream. Oh! And my pillow. I love you pillow!
Carol: Breakfast's ready!
Mike: I can explain all this.
Carol: Don't bother Mike! We've known about you and your pillow for a long time now.
Mike: She just doesn't understand.
Mike: Sorry I'm late guys. I just had this really weird nightmare last night.
Jason: Is that the one where you turn up to your final exam with less than a minute to go?
Mike: No! That actually happened. But it was just as crazy. I was pretty glad when I woke up.
Carol: I'll say!
Maggie: Well! Now that we're all here. Does anyone want to tell me who spilled butter milk all
on the floor?
Carol: A simple confession will do.
Jason: You alright Mike? Huh?
Mike: Ah yeah.
Maggie: What happened?
Mike: Nothing. Something just went down the wrong pipe. I'm in big trouble.
Mike: And the tension's really building here Charade fans! The girls ahead and Mike Seaver's
up for his next turn!
Jason: It's almost midnight Mike! Can't we just call it a night?
Mike: What? And end all the fun?
Maggie: I'm tired.
Ben: Me too.
Mike: Oh come on! Ok here we go Dad!
Jason: It's a movie! Three words. First word sounds like a monster, a monster with a car and
a....oh no not another Godzilla movie. Ben! What's the second word in every Godzilla movie?
Jason: Right! Godzilla meets.....Margaret Thatcher.
Maggie: I'll give you hint...it's Frankenstein. I'm going to bed.
Ben: Me too!
Mike: Hey wait a minute! Wait a minute! Now how about a game of Monopoly. Now there's a
game that's fun for all ages.
Jason: Mike! We played Monopoly, and we played Scrabble...Parcheesi, and Ball tag. I mean
there's a limit to how much a family can stand in one night.
Maggie: And we passed it about two hours ago.
Jason: Coming Mike?
Mike: No, I think I'll get on the horn and see who's around.
Jason: At midnight?
Mike: Yeah! What about a game of Uncle Wrigley?
Jason: Night Mike...Mike you’re ok?
Mike: Yeah great! Just feeling wonderful.
Jason: Sure you don't want to talk about it for a minute.
Mike: No, no, there's really nothing to talk about Dad, really.
Jason: Ok! Good night.
Mike: Hey Dad what happens to people when they die?
Jason: This could take longer than a minute.
Mike: If it takes all night, it's ok by me.
Jason: Ok. Well, some people believe that when you die you go to heaven or hell. Some
people believe that then you come back again to live on Earth to live the kind of life you have
then, would depend on the kind of person you were. Some people believe that you keep
coming back, in a higher form each time until you reach the ultimate.
Mike: Professional basketball player?
Jason: Could be. If you're not good you come back as a Lawyer.
Mike: Where do practical joking joggers fit in?
Jason: Hopefully pretty high.
Mike: Dad, I say him.
Jason: You saw who?
Mike: Uncle Bob! I mean, last night I was drinking butter milk, and he ran into the kitchen just
like he was alive!
Jason: Maybe you were dreaming.
Mike: Dad, the butter milk spilled. Remember?
Mike: Well is it possible? Or am I just losing my mind?
Jason: Could have been sleep walking Mike. You know the imagination....
Mike: I knew you would say that. Dad, do you believe in ghosts?
Mike: I didn't think so.
Jason: I believe that you believe that you saw Uncle Bob.
Mike: I did! Dad, what does he want from me?
Jason: What did he say?
Mike: He said "Hi Mike."
Jason: Sounds pretty friendly.
Mike: Dad, I don't know what to do. And I know he'll be back!
Jason: Why don't you talk to him?
Mike: I should just have a chat to a dead guy?
Jason: Well either that, or we're gonna be playing a lot of Charades around here...and you're
already out of Godzilla movies.
Mike: I don't know.
Jason: Well, what's to be afraid of? You act like he's a bad guy and you know he loved you.
Mike: Maybe he's changed.
Jason: Well Mike, if you really believe that you've seen Uncle Bob, then you should ask him
what he wants.
Mike: Do you say stuff like this to your patients?
Mike: And they give you money for this?
Jason: Well, it doesn't matter what I believe Mike. What matters is that even if your mind
played a trick on you, it did it for a reason. And the best way of discovering that reason is to
Mike: Uncle Bob.
Jason: Or your image of him. Do you understand?
Mike: Mmmm.....I couldn't just do this by mail?
Jason: Yeah if you have the address.
Mike: Ok, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna face my fear. I'm gonna be a man!
I'm gonna be a man! I'm gonna be a man! I'm gonna be...starting tomorrow. Be a man! Be
a man! Be a man! I'm in the kitchen! I'm at the refrigerator! I'm taking out the butter milk!
Oh it was a dream. It didn't really happen. There's no such thing as ghosts. I was a man. I
faced it and it went away. I'll never see Uncle Bob again!
Uncle Bob: Morning Mike.
Mike: Oh Mommy! No Mike! Be a man! You're gonna be a man! Ah, Uncle Bob!
Uncle Bob: What's up Mike?
Mike: Nothing, nothing. Carry on.
Uncle Bob: Hey! What about that limbo contest? Ten bucks, still says I can beat you. Huh?
Mike: Look! What do you want from me?
Uncle Bob: What do I want from you? I want your ten Bucks. Right?
Mike: Look! You can have twenty. I don't care! Anything you want, just quit haunting me!
Uncle Bob: Haunting you? I was just kidding you Mike. Try to lighten up, ah!
Mike: Look, don't touch me!
Uncle Bob: Mike, don't take this wrong, er, but you're acting a little strange.
Mike: I'm acting strange? Look you're running at ten K in my kitchen and you're dead!
Uncle Bob: Ten k....I'm what?
Mike: I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you.
Uncle Bob: Not half as sorry as I am to hear it. You sure about this?
Mike: Yeah, I'm positive. I went to your funeral on Friday.
Uncle Bob: Oh!? Good funeral?
Mike: Yeah! Good funeral. A lot of people came. Dad cried.
Uncle Bob: Good old Jason. Hey! Hey did...did Jack Coward show up? He always said he was
going to belly up before...What am I saying? What am I saying? I'm not dead, I'm alive! Oh,
you had me going for a minute.
Mike: I see I'm not getting my point across here. Look! Uncle Bob, what have you been doing
for the last week?
Uncle Bob: Well, I don't know...er...usual stuff I guess.
Mike: Like what?
Uncle Bob: Well...like running and...
Mike: Well have you talked to anybody?
Uncle Bob: Yeah.
Uncle Bob: Well, well, you, of course.
Mike: Who else?
Uncle Bob: You know it's crazy but, I can't remember talking to...anyone else this week but
Mike: Well what do you remember?
Uncle Bob: Running mostly. Oh boy! I had some good runs this week!
Mike: Uncle Bob, don't you think that's a little weird to...to spend the whole week doing
nothing but running?
Uncle Bob: Yeah, that is weird, huh? Real weird! I just don't know why I didn't see it before.
I'm dead. Seems simple enough now, huh. I wanna thank you Michael.
Mike: Hey, don't mention it. It was just something I thought you should know.
Uncle Bob: Well I have to go now.
Mike: What! Right now?
Uncle Bob: Yeah.
Mike: Uncle Bob, wait!
Uncle Bob: I'm afraid that's my time.
Mike: Uncle Bob, wait! Wait Uncle Bob!
Uncle Bob: Yes Michael.
Mike: Look, where are you going? I mean you just can't leave me here like this!
Uncle Bob: Don't worry Michael. It's alright. Really.
Mike: No it's not! I mean, I'm never gonna see you again. You're just leaving me, and there's
not a thing I can do about it. Right?
Uncle Bob: Sure there is!
Uncle Bob: Remember me.
Uncle Bob: Remember me. Hey! Remember the time your mom made sushi and we all
dressed up in Japanese costume?
Mike: Yeah, and you came as Godzilla.
Uncle Bob: Hey, I knew it was your favourite movie star! Remember all the corny jokes we
used to tell, huh. How do two porcupines make love?
Mike and Uncle Bob: Very carefully.
Uncle Bob: Remember the time I died in the den and you put whip cream on my face?
Mike: Gee, I didn't know you were dead. Wait a minute. If you were dead, how did you know
about the whipped cream?
Uncle Bob: I know a lot of things I didn't know before. Mike, I'm sorry I always teased you and
tried to embarrass you.
Mike: Hey, It's ok. I mean humiliation builds character.
Uncle Bob: There you go then. You see I'm not leaving you. I'm in your memory, I'm in your
character. I'm part of you. Goodbye Mike.
Mike: Goodbye Uncle Bob. (Uncle Bob leaves and Mike sighs)
Mike: I guess I better get to bed....unless I'm already up there.
Jason: Morning Mike!
Maggie: Did you sleep alright last night?
Mike: Yeah, no problem. I worked the whole thing out.
Jason: No more fears?
Mike: No, not this cowboy.
Jason: Great. Alright see you at breakfast.
Maggie: Oh, come on Mike! How many times do I have to tell you not to leave your towels
Mike: Hey Mom! This isn't my.....towel.