Growing Pains 121
Jason: I gotta figure out a way to get the morning paper without having to give Ellen Kussman
a free diagnosis.
Maggie: Well, is my story in?
Jason: They've made a terrible mistake.
Jason: Well they've put your story on the front page.
Maggie: Are you serious?...ahahaha..woooowee!
Jason: Major long island developer offers bribe to county officials, by Margerat eaver
Maggie: oh no!
Jason: No, Margaret Seaver.
Maggie: Oh honey I owe you for this, if you hadn't moved your practice home so I could try
my career again I'd never be on page one.
Jason: Well if you think you owe me one, next time they give you a bi line why dont you have
it read Mrs. Jason Seaver.
Maggie: Don't hold your breath.
Jason: So much for credit.
Maggie: Well I better change before work.
Jason: These aren't your work clothes?
Maggie: No. When I put this on this morning I was a page three writer, and now I have to
dress for page one
Carol: I need a good job
Jason: No! don't be a fool, stay in school!
carol: No, no. Today's the day that we're supposed to observe someone at work so that we
can do a talk about it tomorrow at career day. I was all set to do Michael, Cathy Dunn's dad.
He's a stockbroker.
Jason: Uh ha!
carol: And cathy just called to tell me they've fired her dad after thrity-two years with the
carol: Talk about wrecking my morning!
Jason: Well you know, you do know some other people with interesting jobs.
carol: Name one.
Jason: Somebody very close to you happens to be a dedicated proffesional who also heads up
a family, and is a pretty snappy dresser.
carol: Of course... Mum!
Jason: I was talking about me Carol!
carol: But Dad, I need somone with a real job. Mother.
mike: Dad, I think i'm sick.
Jason: Carol, you know some people think that psychiatry is a real job.
mike: Fine fine, don't believe me.
mike: Look dad i'm sick. Here take my temperature.
Jason: Ok. Oral or the old fashioned way?
Jason: A hundred and one.
mike: Alright, no school!
ben: I'll have a fried egg, over-easy, two strips of bacon, a slice of cinammon toast, with just a
touch of jelly.
Jason: There's oatmeal on the stove.
carol: Mom says it's a great idea. Mike, I'm not going to school today. I'm spending the whole
day recording mom.
mike: I'm spending the whole day at home doing nothing.
carol: Hi guys.
mike: Oh honey, i've gotta run. I don't want people saying that now Maggie's a star reporter,
she's coming in late.
carol: Starts with a quick chip to the people she calls her family. A hapless day, in the typical
pall mall world of a great reporter, begins.
mike: Oh and Jason, could you do that extra load of laundry if you get a chance?
carol: With petty thoughts of home behind her, she heads off, into the cruel, unknown that is...
the real world!
Jason: What are you doing?
Jason: Look, if you're well enough for video games, I can have you at school in fifteen
mike: Oh I hope i'm not too much trouble dad.
Jason: If you're head clears, remember those school books are right in front of you
mike: Now i'm hearing bells
Jason: Ellen Cussman, i'm so busy right now, but please come in.
ellen: I can only stay a second. I wanted to know if I could borrow some dry yearst from you?
I was going to go to the stores this morning, but my legs were so tired. I don't know if it's
the pills that the doctor gave me or if it's the weather that's causing...
ellen: Hi Mike.
Mike: Hey, i'm sick
Jason: I'll get the yeast. Thankyou.
ellen: I wanted to bake some bread to go with the soup that I made. Now i'm coming down
with a cold. Can you believe it? All year long it's been one thing after the other. Now i've got
a bunion on my big toe!
Miller: Doctor Seaver, you've gotta help me. I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
Jason: Not a very pretty one either. Hi good to see you, come on in. You remember Maggie?
Miller: I thought I did!
Jason: This is Ellan Cussman our next door neighbour, Dr Miller.
Ellen: Oh, so you're a doctor too. I have a terrible pain right here, below...
Jason: Dr Miller's a vetrinarian
Ellen: There's a bald spot on my shnowzer. It's really funny. Right here, he's got this thing
Jason: I know you can't stay.
Ellen: Nice to meet you Doctor.
Doc: Nice to meet you dear.
Doc: Thanks for not telling her i'm a psychiatrist.
Jason: I'm in between patients. Hal do you want to come in the office.
Doc: This is your office?
Jason: Hal, working at home is great, really.
Doc: I can see why uyou left your position at Long Island General.
Jason: Alright, lets get it over with. You're going to tell me all the reason you think I was
foolish to quit.
Doc: No, I'd rather show you my latest book.
Jason: Wow "Sexual disfunctions of middle age".
Doc: I figured you could use it!
Jason: Well at least you're now writing something that you knwo about.
Doc: Why don't you let your nurse get that
Jason: Uh.. She's at lunch.
Doc: It's nine am!
Jason: She's a large woman but i love her!
jerry: Good morning sir. How are you? I'm Gerry from Rapid Roofing
Jason: Oh, well our roof is fine thank you.
jerry: your garage leaks like a sieve
Jason: Who said that?
jerry: The lady next door with the bald headed dog The thing with..
Doc: I'd kick him out right now
Jason:No its all, hey, woo listen
Mike: Hey dad. I think I'm well enough to watch T.V.
Jason: As long as you don't enjoy it.
Doc: Oh, it's a really exciting little practice you got here Doctor.
Jason: Well it's not usually this quite. Most of the time this house is crawling with
people witgh mental problems.
Doctor: Year, you wish. Alright Jason. Enough of this male bonding. I wanted to tell you that
I'm leasving long island general
Jaosn: After all those years?
Doc: Year, i think i t time to move on, do something really worthwhile for a change. I'm
gonna do talk radio in La.
Doc: You never run out of patients out there. The board of directors wants me to pick my
successor, and i'm picking you.
Doc: Yeah! Who better? You know you once told me that you wnated to run this department
by the time you were forty. Well, you are gonna be three years ahead of schedule.
Jason: Are yoiu kidding?
Doc: I never kid about work or underware.
Jason: This is incredible. This is the kind of opportunity I've uh... I can't take the job.
Jason: You see Maggie. I have a deal with her now Al. She's taking a shot at her career.
Doct: Jason, this is head of the entire department!
Jason: I can't! She's really rolling now Al. She was on the front page this morning. Did
you see it?
Doc: No! Look, Jason, how often do you get a chance like this?
Jason: Department head at thirty seven. It's imposible
Doc: Jason, promise me ytou'll at least think about it?
Jason: Al, my life right now is..
gerry: Dry rot, you're about to lose the whole reading.
carol: we're back in the eye of the storm of the frantic, fast pace news room of the Long
Island Daily Herald. Dozens of reporters race around the room feverishly. Now what are you
Maggie: I'm looking for a teabag. Ah, there it is.
carol: Then what are you gonna do?
Maggie: Well first I'm gonna make myself a cup of tea; then I'm gonna talk to Susan Rush, my
city editor about the follow up story I've been working on. Hey Carol, you should talk to
Susan. She could tell you all about a newspaper career. She's an editor, a woman, young,
articulate, and she's a very sweet person.
Susan: Maggie, about your article.
susan: I just got a call from a Joseph k. chadway, the builder you accused of bribeing county
officials, in the story I ran on page one this morning.
susan: Joseph k. Chadway was a little angry at being accused of bribary.
Maggie: I'll bet.
susan: Since the man you were meant to accuse was Joseph A. Chadway.
Maggie: Holy Moly.
susan: Exactly what our lawyer said.
Maggie: Oh Susan, I don't know how...this possibly...could have...
susan: I just can't believe you did't double check the name. I mean that's about as basic as it
gets. Maggie I am pulling you from the follow up, and getting a real reporter.
Maggie: Well, was I right? Is she nice or what?
mike: Uh uh. It's on. It's still on.
Jason: She'd have to quit...again. And now I'm talking to myself, that's another reason to take
mike: Hey dad!
Jason: What is it Mike?
mike: Gilligan's Island is on every day at three thirty.
Jason: Mike I'm very busy, I'm trying to make a chart.
mike: Dad, Dad, it's on whether I watch it or not. Gilligan the skipper too, the millionaire, his
wife, the professor, and...
Jason: Mike, what's the point?
mike: It's not on for me, it's just...on.
Jason: Mike, are you starting to realise that the world doesn't revolve around you?
mike:Well, yeah, I guess I am.
Jason: Well, congratulations, you know you've hit upon one of the basic ideas in the
philosophies of Camu.
mike: ahh. Killer whale?
Jason: No Mike, that's Shamu. Excuse me I have to empty the dryer.
mike: Hey Dad look, I can even show you.
Jason: Na, that's o.k thanks.
mike: School bus! Hey Dad!
Jason: What. What is it?
mike: Don't you see. If Gilligan goes on without me, so does my school. You know all day
today life went on, even though I wasn't there.
Jason: Mike this is your first philosophical realisation. I'm proud of you. See, you can learn
mike: Dad, all day today life went on without me, and you too.
Jason: Well, I'm not sure...
mike: But dad, don't you realise, the world doesn't need us any more; it does just fine without
Jason: Oh, speak for yourself Mike.
mike: Gosh, if I feel like this after just one day, how do you feel? I mean you're stuck here
Jason: Stuck? Michael, I'm not stuck. I'm here because I wanna be here. Now if you'll excuse
my laundry's calling. Coming socks!
mike: Trapped, just like the castaways on Gilligan's Island. Ah for reality Autura???
carol: Dad, Dad!!
Jason: Hi Carol, you're home early, where's mom?
carol: parking the car, listen, I don't have much time to explain. Mum has had the worst day
her entire life.
carol: Now you can't do or say anything to upset her. O.k?
Jason: Well what happened?
Maggie: Hi honey!
Jason: Hi. Home early huh?
carol: Dad, I told you not to upset her.
Maggie: Carol, I'm o.k. Now I appreciate your concern, but as I told you all afternoon I'm fine.
Jason: What happened.
Maggie: Oh, I had a disagreement with my editor.
carol: Dad she made mum look like a complete...
carol: I've got it on tape dad, you decided.
Maggie: No, now Carol you just don't understand, that when adults talk to adults, sometimes
they yell. Haven't you seen the new Jack Clugman show?
carol: Sure, sure, that must be it.
Jason: What happened?
Maggie: Oh, no big deal.
Jason: Good, cos the way she was carrying on, I thought it was the end of the world.
Jason: Hey, you remember Hal Miller, the doctor from Long Island general. Well he came by
here today and...
Maggie: (crying) Oh Jason..
Maggie: I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
Jason: Honey, why?
Maggie: It's not being yelled at that really bothers me, but...or even making the mistake to
begin with, but I used a K instead of an A.
Maggie: In a man's name.
Jason: Well that's not so bad
Maggie: He'll probably sew us, because we said he was a fellan.
Jason: That could be trouble.
Maggie: But you know what really really got to me.
Maggie: It's what kept going through my head when Susan was yelling at me.
Maggie: That instead of working, I could be home doing the laundry....and it sounded good.
Jason: Oh, you weren't thinking straight.
Maggie: Jason it's time I faced a few things and I need your advice.
Maggie: O.k. Over these past years, I've had alot of fears about going back to work. Can I pick
up where I left off eighteen years ago? Can I compete with people, half...threequarters my
age? Do I really want a career, or is it the idea of having a career, that I love? Am I being fair
to the kids? Am I being fair to you? So I did what you always do: I started two lists.
Maggie: One of reasons to keep my job- see it's blank; and the other, reasons to quit. Look at
Jason: Bread, milk, pantyhose...
Maggie: No, the other side.
Jason: Well, uh, this is quite a list.
Maggie: so, what do you think?
Jason: Are you asking me, if I think you should quit?
Jason: Well it's interesting that you should ask me this today of all days.
Maggie: Oh honey, I need your advice. I know you'll be fair and objective.
Maggie: See you were the one that advised me to go back to work, when in your heart of
hearts, you didn't want me to.
Jason: Well, I did yes.
Maggie: Yes, and I love you for it.
Maggie: So I know you'll be fair and objective here too, even if you really wanted me to quit,
because I know that staying at home has to be getting to you. Should I quit?
Jason: Oh, that's tough Maggie.
Maggie: Honey, what do you think?
Jason: Well, I think that err, if you think that you made a mistake going back to work, then I
think that err, then you should err, do something about it.
Maggie: Well I guess that's all there is to say.
ben: Mom, I just heard, and I still love you even if you are a rotten reporter.
carol: Good morning!
ben: Save it, it's just me.
carol: Then get out of my chair.
ben: I was just warming it for you.
mike: Out of the chair squirt.
carol: Where's Mom?
ben: She left for work early to clear some things up with her boss.
carol: How do you know?
ben: I'm small, people forget I'm around and say all kinds of things.
carol: You guys should have told her that you still believe in her, and that you're behind her.
mike: Hey Mum doesn't need to hear that from us, just as long as dad's around. That's what
he's here for. That's why people get married; so that there's at least one person
to say you're o.k when you know you're just a crummy bag of dog meat.
Jason: Mike, you're absolutely right. You guys are gonna have to clean up and lock the door
when you leave. I'm gonna go and catch your mom before she makes a mistake.
carol: She shouldn't give up just because of one little mistake.
mike: Mom knows that. I mean she had another kid after you were born didn't she?
ben: That's funny.
Maggie: Here, you said yesterday that you wanted a real reporter to do the follow up to my
story. Well you've got one: me. You find anything wrong with that then I'm out of here for
good. But if you don't find anything wrong with it then, I expect you to use it because it's as
good as anything anybody can do in this office...
susan: You're right.
Maggie: ...and I don't think it's very fair that you just....what?
susan: I said, you're right.
Jason: She doesn't know what she's saying, she doesn't mean a word of it.
Maggie: Yes I do.
Jason: No you don't.
Maggie: Yes I do.
Jason: I just want you to know that I don't want you to quit.
Maggie: Quit? I am not going to quit.
Jason: This isn't the Daily Planet? Excuse me. Louis!! Clark!! Jimmy!!
Maggie: Jason, what were you thinking?
Jason: At which emabarrassing point?
Maggie: Are you tring to get me fired?
Jason: No, I came down here to keep you from quitting.
Maggie: Yesterday you told me to quit.
Jason: Well that was bad advice.
Maggie: That I relied on.
Jason: Well today I rushed down here to stop you from following it. Why didn't you follow it?
Maggie: Because it was bad advice.
Jason: O.k I admit it. I liked the idea of you coming back and taking over the house. I've
been feeling trapped.
Maggie: And you saw Long Island General as a way out?
Jason: YOu knew about that?
Maggie: When I was leaving this morning I happened to find this. Reasons to take the job.
Reasons to turn it down.
Jason: Guess you probably read it too.
Maggie: Yep. Both columns. Jason why didn't you tell me about the offer?
Jason: Well, because I didn't want it to seem like I was telling you to quit so that I could
pursue my opportunity...which I was.
Maggie: You really want to take Hal's offer don't you?
Jason: I considered it, and then I made out this list. And it came out clearly against.
Maggie: Jason, it's nine to one in favour of taking the job.
Jason: Yes, but the one reason not to; the one called Maggie, that's more important to me
than all the rest.
Maggie: You're terrific.
Jason: Hey well, it's only fair. You know, I guess it's my turn to stay home with Gilligan and
the skipper and.... We gotta ask Mike he's the new philosopher of the family.
Jason: Mr. Pearlo's feelings of paranoia have been greatly reduced, by the realisation of the
fact that he is indeed universally disliked. On the bright side...
Jason: In here Carol, hi honey, how was careers day?
carol: Well see I realised most jobs hang by a slender thread. So I decided not to do mum's
job, and I did Emily Sullivan's father's job instead.
Jason: ahh, what does do?
carol: He's a clerk at the unemployment office.
mike: Hey great news dad. If I heard it once I heard it a hundred times today, when I was
sick every teacher mention that it wasn't the same there without me disrupting class making
Jason: That's great news.
mike: Well it