Growing Pains 118
Mike: The commander of the confederate army was..Bruce Li, Robert Yili Coast, The
civil started in 1861, and lasted far too long. In 1865….ah…you are so cool! You
talking to me? I’m the only one here!
Someone is knocking at the door.
Mike: Leave me on, I’m trying to study scuzz ball.
Jason: scuzz ball?
Mike: so daddy, I thought you were Ben, I never call you to scuzz ball to your face.
Jason: Ok, I thought you said you would be cleaning up your room.
Mike: I did.
Jason: Nice! Isn't that music a little loud?
Jason powered off the record.
Mike: Dad, what are doing? I’m trying studying here.
Jason: Well, I sure don't want to interfer with a study method that has brought you
to the brink of failure this year, right? but for the sake of the plaster on the living
room ceiling I'd like you to study for this history test without any loud distractions.
Mike: oh, I don't know dad. All that silence could really throw me off.
Jason: Oh, let’s risk. Come on, just you and this book for one solid hour.
Mike: what is this? are you pressuring me for a good grade?
Jason: No, I am a realist Mike. I’m pressuring you for a passing grade. Come on,
you've been sweeping through American history all year with sixty-seven.
Jason: Oh, Pardon me. Come on,with this exam you have a chance to really
improve on that. Aim fo rthe stars, seventy, seventy-five!
Mike: I get the feeling you don't think I know this stuff..
Jason: Abraham Lincoln was assassinated......
Jason: Well, a very wise man once said that those who don't know their history are
doomed to repeat it.
Mike: you mean like in summer school?
Mike: Abraham Lincoln was assassinated… while he was still alive!
Maggie: Jason, look!
Jason: Wah, Mike is still studying, what do you know! looks like I actually got
through to him
Maggie: Yeah, yeah, that must be, you probable got him so fired up he's dizzy with
the thirst for knowledge.
Jason: Ok, just listen.Mike,!
Jason: What are you doing?
Jason: I’m curious, are you still studying?
Mike: Yes, there's no way I'm gonna flunk this test.
Maggie: Jason, there’s somebody in that room imitating Mike’s voice.
Mike: Oh, very funny mom.
Carol: Mike, the answer?
Mike: I’m very close.
Carol: Come on, I’m tired.
Mike: It’s no picnic for me either.
Carol: A general. Just name any American general.
Mike: General motors.
Carol: That’s it, I’m going to bed.
Mike: Bed? Come on, How could you think of bed at a time like this?
Carol: Watching you wallow in your ignorance is too demoralizing. night!
Mike: OK, well if you're so good at it how do you study?
Carol: It’s very simple. I read the material once assigned, I underline the key
phrases, and I take careful notes, and I quiz myself.
Jason: Hi! where have you been?
Carol: Oh I was up late studying
Maggie: Do you have a test too?
Jason: Mike could learn something from her.
Carol: No, he couldn’t. en..Bye.
Maggie: well, I hate to eat and run
Jason: but you didn’t finish your eggs
Maggie: Well, what I ate was very filling.
Jason: Oh, come on, you don’t have to give me thet, you don’t have to make up a
story. if you don’t like your breakfast just say so.
Jason: I can take it. Oh, let’s say it.
Maggie: It was dreck.
Jason: Ok, that’s better.
Maggie: oh, just kidding. Bye-bye.
Jason: All of it or just the eggs.
Maggie: those were eggs?
Mike: Ok, say good morning, to Gods gift to history.
Jason: Well, you look like a guy whose ready for a big history test?
Mike: Ready, I’m not just ready, dad. I’ve got it all: names, dates and everything. I
think today will go down in history as a day Mike Seavor turns the corner, February
Jason: It’s February 25th.
Ben: hay, dad.
Jason: Hi, Ben!
Ben: This is breakfast?
Ben: What’s for lunch?
Jason: A surprise.
Ben: I hate surprises. What is dad feeding me shoes?
Mike: Ben, it’s my bag.
Ben: Why is dad feeding you shoes?
Mike: you can’t have it, I need that
Ben: Robert yili, Stonewall Jackson, Anpramatics Court House
Mike: yeah, they are my buddies, I have them sign them for good luck.
Ben: You know something named Anpramatics Court House?
Mike: Yeah, black eye, captain in a basketball team.
Mike: ah, Karate, I just kicked over a brick wall
Boner: the one thing I know is that I don’t know this.
Mike: Oh, my man, you worry too much.
Boner: At least I'll have you for company in summer school.
Mike: No,no, not this time. I got this thing aced.
Boner: you mean to tell me you actually studied the stuff.
Mike: Boner, Boner, Boner…so young, so na?ve.
Boner: You got cheat notes! Antii.....
Mike: you just let the people get the wrong idea.
Classmate: where are they?
Mike: Look, I don’t know what you gays are talking about. Here, search me. Full
body strip search.
Classmate: No, thanks.
Classmate: teacher, teacher….
Mr. Dewitt: Alright people, I trust you all are sufficiently frightened. If not, you
should be, because this test will count for a quarter of your total grade.
Boner: A quarter? Only yesterday he said 25%!
Mr. Dewitt: This is multiple choice, and you have 30 minutes and your papers will be
graded before you leave. You may begin.
Mike: The final Northern battle of civil war was A. battle of Wardroom, B, battle of
Gettysburg, C,battle of network stars…Gettysburg
Mike: hay, I actually know this stuff!
Mr. Dewitt : now some of your test result did surprise me. For instance, It was
interested to learn from Mr.Stoborn that general Grand’s first name was Lu.
Boner: I can’t look, I can’t look! I’ve got to look! 67! Oh! All right!
Mr. Dewitt: And what is perhaps the biggest shock in my teaching career since boys
started wearing earings is that the highest grade in the class, 94, was earnt by Mike
Mike: ah, No. 1.
Mr.Dewitt: Mr. Seavor, before we schedule a press conference, I have to ask how
does a student who’s very name has become synonymous with the phrase “D minus”
manage such a grade?
Mike: What can I say , Mr. Dewitt when you got it, I got it.
Mr. Dewitt: Oh, and now I see where you got it.
Mike: are you actually calling me a cheater?
Mr. Dewitt: Mr. Seavor, don’t try to a fool a Willie Dewitt!. The shoes, now..
Mike: Mr. Dewitt.
Mr. Dewitt: Have your parents, guardian or Parole officer call for an appointment.
The sooner the better.
Boner: He beat you?
Mike: No, he just took my shoes.
Annie: Oh, It stinks, Mike?
Boner: Yes, really bad too.
Mike: What really bothers me is that this guy really thinks I cheated.
Boner: Boy, that's hard to imagine.
Mike: And he wouldn't even take my word, that I didn’t.
Boner: Seaver, you really you are good.
Mike: What's that supposed to mean?
Boner: I mean that here you are facing suspicion and an F in history and you are
cool enough to plead innocent
Mike: Look, I am innocent.
Boner: Oh, an outrage too. It’s tough.
Annie: I can only work up to small frenzy myself.
Mike: Look, I did not cheat.
Boner: No, and you didn't look at the answers on your shoes even once?
Mike: Look I'm not kidding around
Boner: No, maybe he’s got the room bugged. Of course Mike, you will never cheat.
Mike: Look I did not cheat, and I don't want to hear you guys say I did. You got it?
TV program: Five nights this week, the story that had all American reading will have
all American watching, at 18, she was a nun, 21 an acrobat, and 37 the mistress of a
president, Jone Collins is…
Carol: Old. Hi, Mike
Carol: What’s the matter?
Mike: How do you know something’s the matter?
Carol; Because you didn’t say 'hi Fido, hi skunkbreath or hi nerd face. So what is it?
Mike: Carol, I’m living in a nightmare. And nobody believes me. And Boner, Eddie,
not Cheech, not Murray.
Carol: What are you talking about?
Mike: Mr. Dewitt accused me of cheating on history exam.
Carol: You passed?
Mike: Yeah, I passed, in fact I got the highest grade in the class. Ninety-four!
Carol is laughing.
Mike: Oh, oh, is this your way of saying you don’t believe me either?
Mike: Oh, fine, don’t believe me, skunkbreath, Fido, nerd face
Mike: Mom, dad! Great to see you.
Maggie: Is he talking to us?
Mike: Just knowing I can count on you guys makes me feel happy.
Jason: Ah, the giddiness is completely mutual mike.
Maggie: you have a fever?
Mike: Oh, mom
Jason: Say Maggie you don’t suppose that this has anything to do with his recent
history test, do you?
Mike: you know I’m darn glad you brought that up..
Maggie: I’d better sit down.
Jason: What happened?
Mike: Well, there’s not too much to be said about the test itself.
Jason: Ah, say it anyway.
Mike: I passed.
Jason: Hay, all right, Mike.
Jason: I knew that that little extra study would pay off..
Mike: Thanks. But I do have some bad news, and I think you better sit down fo rthis
Jason: Would you just say what it is, Mike?
Maggie: I have a feeling that you should sit.
Mike: Now what I’m about to tell you, It’s going to get both of you quite angry, and
you will be outraged at the shoddy treatment I’ve received from Mr. Dewitt. But I
want your word that you're not going to go off half copped trying to get this guy
fired or something.
Jason: I promise to be fully copped, Mike.
Mike: Mr Dewitt accused me of cheating. Just calm down. I did not cheat.
Maggie: now why would Mr. Dewitt think that?
Mike: You know, I even asked myself that same question all afternoon.
Jason: then what did you come up with it, Mike?
Mike: I don’t know. I guess he didn't expect me to do that well in the test.
Maggie: Well, you did well? He did well. How well?
Mike: I rarely pay attention to the grades.
Jason: Tell me what did you get, seventy?
Maggie: eighty? Eighty five?
Mike: You see, actually..
Maggie: Ninety-four? Mikel seavor, I’m ashamed of you. How could you cheat?
Mike: I did not cheat.
Jason: Is this ninety-four out of a hundred?
Mike: I swear to you I did not cheat. I give you my word of honor.
Jason: well, I believe you.
Mike and Maggie: Really?
Jason: Well, if our son gives us his word then we got to believe him.
Maggie: You are right, I believe you, Mike.
Mike: Oh, thank you. I knew I could count on you guys. I am sorry for every
miserable thing I have ever done to make your world a living in hell.
Maggie: and I’m sorry I doubted you Mike, but it’s a tough story to believe if you put
yourself in my shoes.
Ben: haha, Mom’s shoes aren't big enough for all the answers.
Mike: Oh, right, the shoes, Thanks Benny. I forgot to tell you guys the funniest part.
You guys are going to love this.
Ben: (knocking at the door) Mike!
Mike: Benidict Arnold.
Ben: Come on, It’s Ben Seavor
Mike: Get away!
Ben: You want some dinner?
Mike: No, I am no long eating the food that has been paid for by the people who
think I'm a liar.
Ben: What are those?
Mike: Ok, so i'm easing into it. What do you want anyway?
Ben: Mike, I didn’t mean you get into such big trouble.
Mike: That’s OK. I knew the shoes would be too much for them. Its been like that all
day. Everybody at school, even Boner, I mean last year I actually convinced the man
I was an alien. Ben, people are acting like they expect me to cheat. Like i'm a kind
of low scuzz ball.
Ben: I believe you.
Ben: Whatever you say, I believe it, whether it’s the truth or not.
Mike: I'll tell you something that's weird. That moment when mom and dad believed
me, everything was OK. My god, I actually care what they think about me.
Ben: I care what they think about me.
Mike: Well you're nine, that’s ok to feel that way at nine. But I’m fifteen, i'm
supposed to think my parents are scum…
Ben: Are you sure?
Mike: Yeah, everybody knows that. It's on TV all the time.
Ben: I believe you.
Maggie: Here you are. You're going to freeze out here.
Jason: No, I’ve got my anger to keep me warm.
Maggie: Could you share some with me?
Maggie: Jason, I have something to tell you. I didn’t want to tell you but since you're
feeling betrayed by mike I figured you needed some good news. You are not really
Jason: Well, you know what I've been thinking?
Maggie: That when Mike looked you in the eye and lied, it made you question your
whole approach to teaching our kids the value of truth and honesty. And you're
wondering if instead of encouraging them by example, a little fear or punishment
might have been a bit more effective. And you're probably remembering the time
when Mike was eight and he lied about finger painting the new rug and I wanted to
spank him but you convinced me that reasoning with him was better.
Jason: How do you do that?
Maggie: Oh, it’s not all that amazing. I bet you know what I am thinking right now?
Jason: oh, you're probably thinking that no matter how disappointed we both are, we
must support him because we love him dearly. And we’ll do our best to mould him
into an honest man. And that even if we fail he can always have a productive life in
Maggie: Mike, Mr. Dewitt will go a lot easier on you if you just admit what you did.
Mike: I don’t care.
Jason: But we do. couldn'y tou at least pretend that you care what we think?
Mike: Sure but nobody will believe me.
Jason: Why should anyone?
Mike: Because I didn’t cheat…, forget it, it doesn’t matter.
Jason: Why should we have believed you back in 7th grade when you tried to tell us
that the D on your report card stood for darn good?
Maggie: and what about in the 8th grade when you told the school your name was
Seavormen so you could take the Jewish holiday’s off?
Jason: Just this week….
Mike: Ok, Ok, sometimes I lie, but there's a big difference between being a liar, and
being a liar. I mean you guys should know when I'm telling the truth. I mean what
kind of parents are you anyway?
Mike: you want to know the truth? OK, I’ll tell the truth. Yeah, I was going to cheat,
and I figured it as the only way. So I was up half the night copying all that stuff onto
my shoes, because I had to pass the test. But somehow it didn’t just go on my shoes,
it got into my head too. Sure blew me away! But when it came time to look for the
answers I didn’t have to, I knew them.
Maggie: well, I’d like to believe you, Mike.
Jason: Well you have to admit, you're not exactly the type of guy who has a
reputation for knowing things like Abraham Lincoln was the 17th president?
Mike: Yeah, he was 16th president.
Jason: Yeah, Grant was 17th.
Mike: No, Grant was 18th, Johnson was 17th, he became president after Lincoln was
assassinated on April 14th, 1865.
Mr. Dewitt: Dr. and Mrs. Seavor, I’m Willis Dewitt, glad you could come. Why don’t
we get right down to business.
Jason: Absolutely. Mike did not cheat on this examination, Mr. Dewitt, and its
important that we clear that up.
Maggie: and it would have been so easy for him to do, what with all the answers
written on the bottom of his shoes.
Jason: Thank you, Mr. Dewitt for letting Mike take this make-up test.
Mr. Dewitt: No problem.
Jason: I think he's learnt now that intending to cheat now that intending to cheat is
as bad as cheating itself
Mr. Dewitt: That’s what my ex-wife said in court..
Maggie: Shsss. He's trying to take a test.
Jason: What’s on tonight?
Maggie: It's the second night of that Joan Collins mini series..
Jason: that might be interesting.
Maggie: Tonight Joan leaves the Pope to marry a bricklayer.
Jason: Mike would be sorry he's missing that.
Maggie: Where’s Mike anyway? I haven't seen him all evening.
Jason: Well, he's upsatirs studying for his French test tomorrow.
Maggie: you know, I really think we got through to him this time.