Growing Pains 117
Carol: Mike, Mike, Mike I am trying to talk on the phone.
Mike: Oh, right. I didn’t even notice Carol, I’m sorry.
Jason: Hi, guys.
Children together: Good afternoon, father.
Jason: Oh, it’s allowance day!
Mike: It is?
Ben: What do you know?
Jason: You kids really think you can con me.
Mike: I’m sorry, father. I Couldn’t hear you, I was dusting.
Jason: Ok, ok, Here’s your blood money. Just don't think for a minute I bought into
your act. And thanks for going to the trouble of trying to deceive me.
Mike: Oh, any time.
Jason: And it warms my heart to know that this room will been clean and the
laundry neatly folded by the time your mom gets home.
Ben: Hey dad. You gave me too much money..(Stopped by Mike)
Carol: Me too, gave me double.
Mike: Me too. I don’t like this.
Carol: Something smells rotten
Mike: It’s Ben.
Ben: No, it’s February, remember?
Mike: Oh, yeah, dad’s annual birthday’s scam. The old man thinks he's gonna con us
into spending all this on him.
Carol: Poor guy.
Mike: So, Carol, what are you going to get him?
Carol: I’m not telling.
Mike: what another Preppy shirt like you get every year? How, how will I even top
Ben: I’ve got the perfect present.
Ben: I am giving dad the ashtray I created in school
Mike: Great present for a guy who doesn't smoke.
Carol: Yeah, well what are you going to get?
Mike: Alright, you guys ready for this?
Mike: A book!
Ben: Dad already has a book!
Mike: My God, he's right.
Jason: (singing) I wish me a happy birthday, I wish me a happy birthday. I wish me
a happy birthday….Because I am such a cool guy.
Maggie: Hi, sweet heart
Jason: Hi, honey.
Maggie: How was your day?
Jason: My day, listen the old miracle worker had a major break through with a
patient i've been trading for two years now
Maggie: Is that the vacuum cleaner?
Jason: Yeah, yeah, the kids are cleaning. So anyway, this patient…..
Maggie: All of them?
Jason: Yeah. So let me tell you about this guy, he was terrified of his own bodily
Maggie: How did you get them to do it?
Jason: I’m a master communicator.
Maggie: So, how was your day?
Jason: Oh, fair.
Maggie: Nothing exciting happened with any of your patients?
Jason: No, no, no…. so how was your day?
Maggie: Oh, fantastic! Fred Mathers called me in his office and assigned me an
entire series for next week.
Maggie: Let’s get serious abour raw sewage!
Maggie: So excited.
Jason: Didn't you already do a story about waste?
Maggie: Well, I guess they think of sewage, and they think of me. So anyway, i'm
really gonna have my hands full this weekend
Jason: This weekend?
Maggie: Uh ha
Jason: February the eighth?
Maggie: Yes, why? Do we have plans I don't know about?
Jason: No, I think it might be a special day for someone.
Maggie: Oh, that’s right, how could I have forgotten? Hehe, President’s day! So how
was your day, sweet heart?
Mike: Hi, Carol, if we both keep our heads we could get through this birthday
without losing our shirts Oh, I’m sorry I didn't mean to mention shirts Carol.
Carol: So, how much are you spending?
Mike: I don't know how much are you gonna spend?
Carol: As much as it takes.
Mike: Ok,but not over ten bucks.
Ben: Ten bucks? I only get two bucks a week.
Carol: Ok, I can live with ten.
Mike: Of course with the card it might cost a little more.
Carol: Did I say ten?
Mike: Alright, Eleven bucks.
Mike: Twelve fifty.
Mike: Ok, twenty five bucks.
Mike: Two hundred dollars!
Maggie: Now I know it’s not Valentine’s day, that’s the fourteenth.
Jason: I said never mind.
Maggie: oh, come on Jason, give me a hint.
Jason: oh, I have to do that it ruins it
Maggie: Hi pumpkin head
Jason: Oh, Ben, you are just in time. Would you please remind your mom exactly
what Saturday is ?
Ben: ah…, Groundhogs Day!
Jason: That’s it. I am going to my office where people not only appreciate me they
light candles on the day I was born.
Maggie: Do you think after 17 years he'd know that I wouldn't forget his birthday?
Wow Ben, you folded this all by your…, who drew all over the laundry?
Ben: You got a minute mom.
Maggie: sure, honey.
Ben: I don’t have enough money to get dad anything good this year.
Maggie: Oh, didn’t he double your allowances this week?
Ben: Yeah, you can’t get anything for 4 bucks nowadays. Where have you been?
Maggie: Oh, honey, it’s not how much to spend.
Mike: oh, tell that to Mike and Carol.
Maggie: Look, Ben. I can’t afford to get your father that Mercades 450SL he's
always wanted. So I'm getting him a nice fishing rod. And he knows I love him, so
he'll love it, I hope. Oh, I know for four dollars you can get him some worms.
Ben: Get real, mom. And might as well just give him the stupid ashtray I made.
Maggie: And that would be fine as long as it comes from your heart
Ben: it looks like my heart.
Maggie: Ben, your father is not expecting a big expensive gift from you.
Maggie: No, he doesn't care what you get him.
Program: …It is very important to recognise that the couple must communicate
their desire, and understand that you cannot read a closed book…How often have
you sat down to carve your turkey and found yourself with a dull knife?.
Program: Trust in the Lord and all of your needs will be taken care of for..... .The
power of prayer, be not affraid to get down on your knees and ask god for anything,
he shall provide.
Ben(Praying): Hello, god.
Mike: What are you doing?
Ben: I happen to be praying for for money.
Mike: You can’t pray for money, believe me. I’ve tried. You actually think God's
going to send you a check or something?
Ben: Ah-men(open the door.)
Lady: Money for the needy.
Ben: Thanks.(close the door.)
The door rings again, Ben opens the door again.
Lady: Give me that, you little bandit.
Ben: But I’m needy.
Lady: I am not giving money away, I’m collecting it. Wise up?
Ben closed the door.
Mike: For a minute there I thought you were on to something
Ben: But I need money.
Mike: Join the club.
Ben: But this is life or death.
Mike: I’m busy.
Mike: Ok,ok. Look Ben, I want you take this can, and go from house to house. With
your pathetic look you'll probably make a fortune.
Ben: Thanks, Mike. And thank you, god.
At the birthday party:
All the members are singing: ……and many more…
Jason: You guys didn't fool me. I knew all along you'd remembered?
Maggie: Remembered what?
Jason: Look at this cake?
Mike: It's a raging inferno
Ben: blow out the candle
Mike: Yeah, I'm burning up in here dad!
Jason: I know what to wish for.(blowing off the candle.)
Mike: Not bad for an old geezer
Jason: Well the wish didn't work..you're still here
Carol: Here dad open the good one first
Mike: Yeah, mine.
Jason: Thank you.
Carol: How Juvenile?
Mike: why do you want to disappoint the man? At his age he can’t take so much of
Jason: That settles it. I'll open Carol’s first.
Carol: You know, you can be so insensitive about the problems of older people.
Jason: Ben, what did you get me?
Ben: Oh, the best should be the last.
Maggie: Will you just open something?
Jason: and the longest shall be first. You guys have gotta wait while I open
something from your mom.
Mike: ah, you know I've changed my mind Carol. You go next.
Carol: no way, you go next.
Mike: If you insist.
Jason: Ah, yes. Look at that!
Maggie: Do you like it?
Jason: Honey I love it.
Maggie: I can take it back.
Jason: No, no, this is perfect. Every time I kill a fish, I’ll think of you.
Maggie: Jason, that's so sweet.
Mike: Ok, dad, Carol wants you to open my gift next
Carol: go ahead, you can use a good laugh.
Jason: It’s shoes, isn’t it?
Ben: That’s funny, dad.
Jason: Thank you, Ben. (Open the gift) Oh, like this, superstars in the 60s. Re-live
the trends, the joy, the spirit of the 60s.
Mike: Yes, everybody on this album died of a drug over dose.
Mike: Groovy, that means he likes it.
Carol: I wanted to get you something that you could enjoy both as a person and as
Jason: Well thank you. I am sure that both of me will love it. And it is, ah, two
tickets to the On-Broadway production of "Nuts".
Ben: Ok, my turn.
Jason: Oh, Ben. Let’s see what do you got me. You wrapped this yourself?
Ben: I had it done.
Carol: Ahh sweet. He spent all his money on wrapping
Jason: Ah, Ben, it’s fabulous. Hey,I don’t know what to say.
Maggie: Neither do I. I had nothing to do with this.
Jason: Sure, you had nothing to do with this.
Maggie: Jason, I didn’t.
Ben: Does everything all by himself. Even an idiot could work it.
Jason: Ben where did you get this?
Ben: it’s from Stem store, they throw in a case every time you spend over 300
Mike:Ok, I gotta ask, what kind of allowance are you giving this kid anyway?
Jason: Ben where did you get the money?
Mike: Yeah, I am interested.
Ben: Well, see, I needed money, so I went around the neighbor’s houses and asked
money for the needy
Maggie: Benjamin Seavor, where did you ever get an idea like this?
Ben: From god and Mike.
Mike: so as you can see dad, what we have here is a simple little mix up. young Ben
didn't realise I was only joking. Now i'm sure you can you see how it happened,
particularly since you are a trained psychiatrist. And may I add a damn good one?
Carol: How do you do that with a straight face?
Mike: It's a gift.
Carol: Ok, that chunk may work on dad, but mom knows raw sewage when she sees
Mike: Carol, I am her first born. You mnight say the woman is putty in my hands.
Mike: But don’t say that to me because that woman is my mother, and I respect her.
Jason: I’m confused ben, I don't get it. I don’t understand how can go door to door,
lie the people, take the money in the name of charity and not have it occure to you
that what you were doing was wrong.
Ben: It did seem too good to be true.
Jason: How could you act so stupidly? Oh, I forgot you got the idea from Mike.
Ben: Did I mention that the camera has a soft fine lead?
Ben: and automatic focus?
Ben: Well for once I wanted to get you a real gift.
Jason: I know that, and I appreciate it. And I thank you for the thought, but you
don’t show somebody how much you love them by how much you spend on them?
Unless you're married to Pia Zidora
Jason:Nothing. So what do we do about this?
Ben: You're asking me?
Jason: Well, I think I like to see if you can come up with your own punishment just
to make sure you realize how serious this is.
Ben: Me? I get to pick whatever I want?
Jason: I get to vote on it.
Ben: Oh, some kids would say that they’ve suffered enough, but not me. I say that
every night this week I should be sent to bed at nine o’clock.
Jason: That is your bed time, Ben!
Ben: Oh, Yeah. Ok, then, I don’t get my driver’s license until i'm 25.
Jason: Forget it, i'll decide your punishment.
Maggie: And it never occurred you, not even for the second, that Ben might take
Mike: No, nobody takes me seriously.
Carol: He does have a point.
Maggie: Carol, go to your room.
Carol: Why mum?
Maggie: Because I said so, young lady.
Carol: Well, excuse me then.
Mike: Good move, mom.
Maggie: Can it Mike. Don’t you know that Ben looks up to you, his big brother, as an
Mike: Oh, get out of here!
Maggie: I don’t like it any more than you do. Don’t you see the way he tries to talk
like you, walk like you, dance like you, do everything like you?
Mike: My god. Somebody should set this kid straight.
Maggie: Too late. He worships you.
Mike: Can we tell him i'm scum or something?
Maggie: I did, it only made him more interested.
Mike: I'm not sure I can live with this burden.
Maggie: Well you're stuck with this Michel, and just so you don’t forget it, you will
be donating your allowance for the next month, to charity.
Mike: Mom, you're acting like I did something really wrong here. I did, didn’t I .
Jason: Ok, I think Ben understands what he did and we've decided on this
Jason: First we will be returning the camera.
Jason: Then we will give back all the money by going house to house so Ben can tell
everyone that he lied.
Jason: Ok, get your coat.
Maggie: you are doing this now?
Maggie: But it is almost dark.
Maggie: oh, Jason, I know he needs to be punished, but what if I explain it to the
Jason: No, no. I think he is going to understand it’s his responsibilities here.
Maggie: but Jason, he’s our baby, a little tike.
Ben: Nine and a half, what do I know?
Jason: Maggie, our little tike has committed a felony.
Maggie: don’t forget your mittens,Ben.
Maggie: Raw sewage cannot simply be swept under the rug, no
Maggie: Yes, Carol.
Carol: It's nine o’clock.
Maggie: Oh, I know it honey. I am worried about them too.
Carol: Can I come out of my room now?
Maggie: Oh, my god. Oh, sure honey, come on down. Ah, sweet heart, I am sorry. I
sent you to your room, that was very unfair of me.
Carol: Yes, it was.
Maggie: Oh, let me tell you a little secret. And this is something that i've never told
you kids before.
Maggie: I’m…., well, I should just say it, I am not perfect.
Carol: Yes, so what is the secret.
Mike: Mum, mum. I prepared a lovely cup of Earl Grey tea for you with lemon, and
the muffin's slightly toasted.
Maggie: Oh, thank you Mike, that was very thoughtful of you. Oh, by the way, it is
still a month’s allowance. (have a drink)Om, but I like your style.
(Jason and Ben came back)
Maggie: Oh, Jason.
Mike: did I mention that there was cheese on that muffin?
Ben: here's your money back, I’m sorry I lied about the charity.
Jason: it’s ok son. We're home now. I'm proud of what you did tonight?
Jason: Do you think you learned a lesson?
Ben: en. When god gives me an idea, check with you first.
Jason: en. Anything else:?
Ben: If you love somebody, you don’t have to spend a lot on them.
Jason: That’s right. Night punk.
Ben: Happy birthday.
Jason: Ben, it’s….
Ben: an ashtray.
Jason: yeah, I know. What I was going to say was it’s the best birthday present I
gotten all year.
Ben: But you don’t even smoke.
Jason: No, but some of my patience do, some of them want to quit. I think your
ashtray just to might do the trick.
Jason: Is this an ashtray or what? Ok stick your butt right on the aorta
Maggie: Oh, Jason. You are right about the punishment. I am sorry I went soft on
Jason: that’s ok, I kind of like you soft
Maggie: actually it was pretty nice having you to be the bad cop for a change.
Maggie: you are very sexy when you are strict.
Jason: Well,in that case go to your room young lady.