Growing Pains 116
Maggie: It's eight thirty guys. The eight o clock bus will be here in ten minutes.
Mike: But I still got to get ready.
Jason: Ben! School.
Carol: Forgot to give you guys this. It's a letter form the parents association.
Mike: Ex nay on the eter lay, Carol.
Jason: Lets me see this.
Maggie: I'll take it
Jason: Dear fellow parents, our program of weekly dances in is jeopardy owing to the fact that
many of you have not fulfilled your parental responsibilities and made yourselves available for
chaperoning... You know who you are and more importantly, we know who you are. Sincerely,
Mrs. Adolf Hitler. Joan Hinkley, President of the Parents Association. Nice tone.
Mike: Now come on. Busy people like you have far better things to do than hang around the
Carol: Embarrassing Mike.
Mike: Yeah! I mean no.
Mike: That was her word, not mine mum.
Carol: I don't care if they chaperone dances. Bye!
Mike: That's cos you have never been to one.
Maggie: Mike? Did you get one of these letters?
Mike: Yeah, sure.
Maggie: Well where is it?
Mike: Oh come on mum. Give me some kind of credit here. Look, I'm not going to bother you
guys with a stupid letter like that. Look I try to screen these things for you guys. You know,
cut down on the junk mail, protect your valuable time. It's stuck to the ceiling in the boy’s
Maggie: Ben, the bus.
Jason: Use it or lose it. Come on Ben. I think you're spending far too much time studying and
not nearly enough horsing around.
Jason: I'm kidding. Ben knows when the old dad is kidding. Right Ben?
Ben: Aye my Lord.
Jason: Aye my lord?
Ben: It's from Robin Hood. It’s the school play this year.
Jason: Oh! You mean you weren't calling me my lord as a measure of respect?
Ben: Ha ha ha ha! That's funny dad.
Maggie: See he does know when his old dad is kidding.
Ben: And this year I'm going to get a part.
Jason: Well let’s hope, but I remember last years auditions, how heart broken you were.
Ben: Come on dad! I was just a kid.
Jason: Ah, I see. So this year as the only adult in the third grade, you have to have a hard
Ben: That's how I figure it.
Jason: Well good luck
Maggie: Good bye honey. Break a leg!
Maggie: Figure of speech. Jason. When you were Mike's age would you have been afraid or
embarrassed to have your parents chaperone?
Jason: Oh sure. I went through that phase. My dad volunteered to chaperone one of our
school trips. I begged him not to. I said "dad, I’m not going to do anything" and he said, "that'
fine, you can not do anything but with me there".
MI: Hey, looking good dad. Vicious ensemble mum! Yous all have a nice day now, you hear!
Mike: Mum I might miss that darn bus.
Maggie: Open the coat.
Mike: This is cool or what?
Maggie: Mike, do you really think you've dressed appropriately for school?
Mike: Heck no. Why would I want to do that?
Maggie: Change now.
Jason: Mike! If you think that this conveys the proper image, not just for yourself but for the
family you represent then by all means wear a rubber fowl on you stomach.
Mike: I'll see you.
Mike: I don't know why that works, but it's really starting to burn me up.
Carol; You now, you shouldn't judge the school by the first day. And you have to overlook all
the average people. It's a public school.
Scott: Well I'm used to that Carol. You'd be surprised how many average people there are in
Los Angeles. My old science teacher wouldn't even let me build a small model of a thermal
nuclear device for science project.
Carol: Fission of fusion?
Scott : Oh, fusion of course.
Carol: Of course.
Scott: I plan to fit in at this school. I've already joined the dance decoration committee.
Carol: Oh, will you be at the dance tomorrow night?
Carol: Will you, um, be dancing?
Scott: I haven't made up my mind yet. I might just observe.
Carol: Hi Mike.
Mike: Hey skunk breath.
Jason: Mike, is that you?
Mike: What did I do?
Jason: Nothing. What do you think?
Mike: It's you dad.
Jason: Yeah! That's what all the patients said.
Ben: Dad, dad, wait till you...
Jason: Up here Ben...
Ben: Dad, I got a part. I got cast!
Jason: Hey, alright good for you. What did you get? One of Robin’s merry men?
Jason: Friar Tuck?
Ben: Nope. Better.
Jason: Not Robin?
Ben: No better.
Ben: A rock!
Jason: A rock
Ben: An English rock.
Jason: Well I hope the hours required rehearsing this part won't interfere with your studies.
Ben: That's the best part. I can be in the play, go to all the parties, and all I have to do is lay
Jason: My son the rock.
Mike: Now Jason, I want to talk to you about this shirt. Now is this the proper image that you
wish to convey, not only for yourself, but for the family that you represent?
Jason: Yeah, alright! It's a shame though. I was thinking of wearing this when your mother
and I chaperone your school dance.
Carol: You're not really going to chaperone?
Jason: Had you going there for a second, didn't I?
Mike: Put it there!
Jason: Hey, wait a minute. What's this?
Jason; for the first time in your lives, you two agree on something. That's better.
Mike: I thought you said you didn't care if they chaperoned or not.
Carol: Well I don't. Really.
Jason: Hey Carol you don't even go to these dances.
Carol: Well I might go to this one. I'm keeping my options open.
Mike: She just wants to go cos that geek out on the front porch wants to go.
Carol: he's not a geek, he's from Los Angeles.
Mike: you’re breathing heavy for him, Carol.
Carol: I am not. We were discussing...nuclear weapons.
Jason: You see. Perfectly harmless.
Mike: Carol you are just afraid that if mum and dad chaperone, you won't be able to wear
make up and go slow dancing and run off onto the parking lot with that goon.
Jason: Parking lot? My little girl. Heavy breathing. Los Angeles.
Carol: Don't listen to him dad.
Jason: You know chaperoning isn't all that bad.
Carol: Dad, I'm not going to do anything.
Jason: Fine, then you can not do it with me there.
Mike: If you want to hit me I won't stop you.
Jason: (wolf whistle)
Maggie: You see, I can’t wear this. Chaperones are supposed to look stodgy and respectable.
Jason: Hey, why don't you wear this one?
Maggie: You think that dress is stodgy?
Jason: This one? Stodgy? I'm kidding. I love this dress. It's my favorite dress. I have dreams
about this dress.
Maggie: Ok. Oh sweetheart, I haven't had the chance to tell you how surprised and happy I
was that you changed your mind and agreed to do this. It shows real maturity.
Jason: Well, that's me: mature, yet curiously juvenile.
Maggie: And of course the fact that Carol's going had nothing to do with it al all.
Jason: Carol who?
Maggie: It's ok. It's ok. I love you when you are hopelessly old fashioned.
Jason: You realize this is exactly the sort of behavior we are supposed to prevent tomorrow
Maggie: But this is tonight.
Scott: Isn't life crazy. I meet you for the first time yesterday and then I find out that we are
on the same decorating committee.
Carol: Crazy crazy crazy! My parents are chaperoning tonight.
Scott: I'm sorry!
Carol: Thank you. It came as quite a shock.
Scott: I can imagine. My parents chaperoned once.
Carol: How was it?
Scott: It was mortifying. They, Carol, they danced.
Carol: Oh my god!
G: My father started flaying his arms like some huge thrashing machine. Mt mother she kind
of hopped and clapped and yelled hey in time to the music.
Carol: What a nightmare!
Mrs. Hinkley: Ward!
Ward: Mrs. Hinkley! You've done our school proud as usually.
Mrs. Hinkley: Thank you ward.
Ward: If all the ladies in the parents association were like you, it would sure change my life.
Mrs. Hinkley: Thank you.
Ward: We loved your chaperone letter. It really did the trick.
Mrs. Hinkley: Wonderful, who is chaperoning tonight?
Ward: The Seavers.
Mrs. Hinkley: Ward!
Ward: Ah yes.
Mrs. Hinkley: I don't know, maybe it is alright for a guy to run a psychiatric practice out of the
home, and maybe it’s alright for a woman to go back to work just when her children need her
most. Maybe letting her offspring run wild is hunky dory, and maybe I’m just old-fashioned...
Ward: Could be.
Mrs. Hinkley: Ward, Ward I’m worried about the Seavers. The type of people we need for
chaperoning should be able to control their own children.
Ward: Wow, that's a pretty high standard.
Scott: Boy! Your parents sound worse than mine.
Maggie: Hi honey1
Jason: Hi! You're home early.
Maggie: slow news day.
Jason: Oh well then the lord and lady of the manner have the castle all to themselves.
Mike: Hey guys, how are you doing?
Jason: I'll get it.
N\Ben: That does it. I quit the play.
Maggie: Ah, Ben. You're not going to be rock after all?
Ben: No way! Friar Tuck sits on me. All through act two.
Jason: Well uh, that's ok. We can chaperone another time. Well thank you for calling Mrs.
Hitler, uh Hinkley. Alright. Bye.
Maggie: You mean we aren't chaperoning?
Mike: Ah somebody pinch me. Ah. This is great!
Carol: No it's not.
Mike: What are you nuts? Oh forget it. I already know the answer.
Carol: Did she tell you why?
Jason: Well apparently they’ve double booked the chaperones this week.
Carol: well she lied to you. The reason you are not chaperoning is because, you're
Jason: Unacceptable parents?
Maggie: Carol, you heard this?
Carol: Not just me. Scotty Seagler heard every word of it.
Maggie: I don’t get it.
Carol: she said I have a mother who abandoned me and a brother who's a delinquent, a father
who runs a mental ward at home. She made my life sound like the movie of the week.
Maggie: I'll kill her!
Jason: Maggie, don't get upset.
Maggie: Jason, how can you stand there so calmly?
Jason: Actually I have deeply rooted feelings of anger and hostility. I just refuse to give vent
to them until we found out if there is some misunderstanding.
Maggie: I'll give her a vent.
Carol: This will be all over school by tomorrow.
Jason: Oh Carol, it will not. How's anybody going to hear?
Mike: No, I’m not kidding. That's what they said: unacceptable. Oh hold on, I have someone
else on the other line.
Jason: Mike this is nothing to brag about.
Mike: I know dad. Hello. Hi Jerry. Oh you heard. Yeah! They don't want my parents within a
mile of that school.
Carol: I'll never live this down.
Jason: Just a minute. Yesterday you were embarrassed because we were acceptable.
Carol: Exactly. Now do you see what you are putting me through?
Maggie: This is absolutely unbelievable!
Mike: Yeah! We are garbage!
Jason: You promise to hold your temper?
Jason: Are you lying?
Mr. Hinkley: Bom! Hi ho, you must be the Seavers? Call me Jimbo.
Jason: Hi ho!
Mr. Hinkley: Go on in. I have BBQ to tail tonight.
Jason: See, these re reasonable people.
Mrs. Hinkley: Mr. and Mrs. Seaver, how nice of you to insist on dropping by.
Jason: Well, my name's Jason.
Mrs. Hinkley: uh uh uh!
Maggie: How do you do? Now what’s all this crap....?
Jason: We won't take up much of your time Mrs. Hinkley, we just thought we'd come by and
clear up a little misunderstanding.
Mrs. Hinkley: Well won’t you sit down.
Jason: Yes, yes we will. Thank you very much. Um well the thing is that we heard this crazy
rumor that you said, and this is probably all wrong, but that you said something about us
being unacceptable parents.
Mrs. Hinkley: Oh dear. I'm afraid that wasn't meant for your ears.
Jason: So you did say that?
Mrs. Hinkley: Oh yes!
Maggie: Just where in the hell do you get off ruining our reputation?
Mrs. Hinkley: We don't use that word in our home.
Maggie: Dimmit, how can you say...?
Mrs. Hinkley: Or that one.
Jason: Well I have two more words you won't like June.
Mrs. Hinkley: Yes?
Jason: No, no, now I'm getting carried away here.
Maggie: It's ok Jason. Get carried away.
Jason: No, I would like to make one more attempt at some real communication here. I...
Mrs. Hinkley: Sport! When one goes out for an evening, one dresses properly for the occasion.
Sport: But mother...
Mrs. Hinkley: You know what mother likes.
Mrs. Hinkley: Excuse me?
Sport: Yes mother.
Mrs. Hinkley: Children.
Maggie: Hold on to your slip covers June cos I want t...
Jason: Maggie Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! What's the point? We're not on the same planet here,
and if we stay here nay longer, we are just going to make ourselves crazy. And we're probably
going to end up hurling obscenities at this woman and what would that accomplish? Ah what
the heck, let's give it a shot.
Mr. Hinkley: June bug. These birds are very close.
Ben: Uh Oh!
Jason: Hey Ben. Where's your brother.
Be: At the dance.
Jason: Where's your sister?
Ben: In her room.
Maggie: Where's the coach?
Ben: I don't know it was there a minute ago. Ok, I’ll clean it up.
Jason: No, don't worry. Come here. Put those feet up here, leaves those shoes on. Be a kid!
This is the way I like Ben. Sloppy, lazy, a real kid.
Maggie: And if we're such bad parents, how did Carol turn out so well?
Jason: That's right! And Mike. Mike's perfect. Ok, I lost my head.
Maggie: But the point is nobody says we did a bad job raising our kids.
Jason: And nobody tells us we can't chaperone.
Maggie: Carol, hurry up you are late for the dance.
Carol: I'm not going. I am too humiliated.
Jason: Carol, it's alright! We’re chaperoning.
Carol: Oh great! My life is an acid bath.
Maggie: Let's change.
Jason: I'll call the sitter.
Ben: Hey dad, you're going to love this.
Mike: Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if they made it a crime just to talk my parents.
Jason: Well I guess you wore the right dress.
Mrs. Hinkley: uh uh uh uh! Oh nuts!
Maggie: June, Jimbo!
Mr Hinkley: Hey hey hey hey!
Jason: Hey hey hey! Nice dance.
Mrs. Hinkley: The fact that you are here, doesn't make you chaperones.
Maggie: And the fact that you are here, doesn't mean that you are here.
MC: Ok, now let’s go way back and do a little tribute to our ancestors. Here's some Jitty White
folky rock and that means our chaperones must dance.
Jason: Well as you pointed out, you are the chaperones.
(Song) Mash potato, I can do the alligator,
Jason: Come on Maggie, what do you say?
Maggie: I say "Na na na na na"!
Carol: I'll never be able to come back to this school again.
Scott: No, don't worry. The stigma fades after a year or two. You know actually, your parents
aren’t too bad. Look!
Boner: Hey! Are those your parents dancing?
Mike: No, no, my parents couldn't make it tonight. They may have to leave the country.
Boner: No, no. That's them.
Boner: The ones with all the moves.
Mike: Yeah! Hey, come on. Who do you think showed them all those moves?
Scott: You know your parents are reasonable cool.
Carol: Sure! What do you expect?
MC: Let's hear it for couple number one.
Mc: And couple number two.
(Big claps and cheers)
Carol: Mum, dad, this is Scotty Seagler.
Maggie and Jason: Hi.
Ca: Is it ok if he walks me home?
Ca: But dad! Oh! Ok, thanks.
Mike: Ok, you guys got away with it once, but I don't want this to go to your heads. This is a
hot dress mum.
Mike: Please don't ever wear it in front of my friends again.
Jason: Mike, go home.
Maggie: Well I had fun.
Jason: So did I. Fogey rock indeed!
Maggie: Well let’s go fogey.
Jason: Let's rock.