Growing Pains 104
Maggie: Mike, would you get your sister, please.
Mike: Yo, fido ,dinner
Carol: I'll be right down, fire-hydrant.Tell mom, I'm just gonna finish this paragraph.
Mike: Hey, mom, fido's gonna finish her paragraph...
Maggie: Thank you, I heard. And frankly, fire hydrant, I don't think it's funny or
appropriate for you to call your sister fido.
Mike: You are right. It's a boy's name.
Jason: Is she still working on that article? She's taking this try-out for the school
paper very seriously.
Mike: Come on. This is the Walt Wittman chronical here, one of the world great
papers. It's right up there with... Sharloman and nice and soft.
Maggie: Mike, this is very important to Carol. Try to keep your snide comments to a
Mike: So, like what? Three or four?
Jason: You're working awfully hard,sweet heart.
Carol: Yeah,I just wanna get it right, you know, so its like a best article they've ever
Mike: Pretty tuff to beat last week scroop: Gronoly bars replace gummy bears in
Ben: That's one!
Carol: One what?
Ben: Snide comment. Mom says Mike can make three more at you during dinner.
Jason: probrably that was last one, right, Mike?
Mike: Why, yes, father, I believe it was.
Carol: Anyway, tomorrow is the moment of truth. Tomorrow, Mr.Simmonds reads all
the articles and decides who gets the job.
Jason: Oh, no, no, not Simmonds.
Maggie: Why? Who's Simmonds?
Jason: That's the teacher who locked the kid in the closet for not closing a quote.
Maggie: I don't think there's anything to worry about. Just do the best you can, I'm
sure he'll be impressed.
Carol: This's so exciting. The roar of the mighty press's ink, coursing through my
veins. Maybe I got what it takes , Maybe I don't. But I'll never find out unless I leap
into the darkness and give it my all
Mike: If she sings "I gotta be me", I swear I'll throw up.
Ben: That's two.
Carol: Mom, do you think you can read my article tonight and tell me what you
Maggie: Well, I'll be happy to, honey.
Carol: You'll be honest?
Maggie: Savagely honest.
Carol: Well, I know. I am probably just worrying too much. But have you ever
wanted something so much you could feel it with your entire body?
Mike: Well, now that you mention it.
Mike: Yes, Jerry, put me in for 20 bucks. Yes, of course I have it. Look only a scuzz
ball wouldn't have 20 bucks. Yeah, Ok.bye. Hey, Ben, give me 20 bulks.
Ben: No way!
Mike: We didn't want you to know this, but...well, Mom needs an operation.
Ben: That's low Mike, even for you.
Mike: OK, OK. look, Jerry Delish, he 's over at off-the-track betting and he's got a
hot tip on Peski Perski in the fourth.
Ben: Is that a horse?
Mike: No, it's an imported beer. Of course its a horse. Ben, I am giving you the
opportunity to make a hundred dollars.
Ben: En, that sounds pretty good.
Mike: Of course it sounds pretty good. You're acting like I am trying to put over on
you or something
Ben: I am sorry.
Mike: No, forget it. You'll do it?
Ben: Sure, I want to split the profits.
Mike: All right, Ben.
Ben: 70.30. mine.
Ben: Take it or leave it.
Mike: OK, OK, Ok ...
Ben: So, it's a pleasure doing business with you, Mike.
Mike: That kid's going to be good.
Jason: Carol's paper can't be that bad.
Maggie: She wrote about guys who dig for clams.
Jason: Well, what's wrong was that?
Maggie: She called it "I clam, therefore I am".
Jason: Did she?
Maggie: Listen to this. Night obduces the ismus beneath its osydium mantel
The mollusks imbibe one last sip, betwixed their valves and expel the
Jason: she could be pushing a little?
Maggie: Jason, read this.
Jason: With the dextrous manipulation of his digits, the master clammer extricates
the muculant mollusk from its lepidious mana-. Well ,look at it this way, we have a
daughter who knows
what muculance is. How many people know what muculance is.
Maggie: Nobody knows what muculance is. And that's the problem. Newspaper
writing needs to be clear, accessible. Ah, Jason, what am I gonna to tell she, she
asked for my honest opinion.
Jason: No kid wants your honest opinion. They want unconditional approval.
Maggie: And what if you don't approve?
Jason: Then you'll have a significant dilemma much like the one you ‘re in now.
Maggie: Thank you, Doctor Seaver. Oh, come on, Jason, help me out here.
Jason: Well, if we want this to be a learning experience for her..
Maggie: Go on.
Jason: And all learning is based on positive reinforcement.
Jason: See if you want a pigeon to perform you reward it with a pellet.
Maggie: What are you saying?
Jason: I am saying that we should have had pigeons, they are easier to raise.
Maggie: Jason, come on.
Jason: You just start off by pointing out the
strengths of the article. And then you show her how the article could be improved.
Maggie: You're right. Accentuate the positive.
Jason: Yes. Be gentle, nurturing and supportive. And if that doesn't work, you simply
tie her the bad and set her rebboks on fire.
Carol: Come in.
Maggie: Ha...Well, it's late, you must be tired. We can talk about this tomorrow...
Carol: No, Mum, I've been waiting for you. I read the article again, I think I can be
more objective now.
Maggie: That's a good thing to do. Put it away for a while, get some distance, often
what you thought of it was a bit ...
Carol: I know, I know... I’ve already changed it.
Maggie: You did?
Carol: The two "muculance" is in the same sentence...terrible. Make the second one
" pituitousness "
Carol: Are you proud of me, mum? The truth
Maggie: Of course, honey, I am always proud of you.
Carol: You think I’ll make the paper?
Maggie: Well, it's obviously you have potential. Very few people could write
Carol: so, you don't think I shouldn’t change anything. Mum, It is great!
Maggie: Well, What I... What I...What I am saying is... I am...Carol, it's clear that
you put…a lot of time into this article. It's...well-thought out, it's well typed, and ...
and I just love these margins
Maggie: Well, it's not so much a but...
Carol: It sounds just like a but.
Maggie: Well, what I am trying to say is...
Carol: Cut to the "but", mum!
Maggie: But...it is just not newspaper writing, honey. Look, in any field there're rules,
you just have to learn them. Newspaper writing has to be more simple, straight
Carol: So you think my article is garbage.
Maggie: Sweetheart, if I let you turn this in to Mr Simmonds, he'd tell you the same
things, only meaner.
Carol: “Introduction to Journalism”.
Maggie: I found it very helpful, and I am sure you'll too.
Maggie: Are you Ok?
Carol: Yeah, I am fine.
Carol: yeah, really. Thanks for your advice.
Maggie: Good. Good night, pumpkin.
Mike: I know, Jerry says we bet on Undulate, in the eighth.
Ben: I say we bet on Arbitrary.
Ben: Why not?
Mike: Ben, look at these times, I mean, you'll be growing chest hair before Arbitrary
finishes this race.
Ben: I just got a hunch about this one
Mike: Ben, you can't bet a race on a hunch.
Ben: OK. But what about if Arbitrary comes out of the Sacretary by the way of sea
busicuit Adlonso picked up three purses in his last four turn outs.
Mike: OK. I know that. But I say we stick with Jerry, I mean, he's been right so far.
Ben: I’m not so sure.
Mike: Ben, who's got the connections?
Ben: Who's got the money?
Mike: Who's got the weight advantage.
Ben: Go Undulate!
Jason: Earth to Maggie?
Jason: Everything OK?
Maggie: Oh, well, I was just wondering why Carol hasn't come down yet?
Maggie: I hope I wasn't too hard on her last night.
Jason: No, I am sure you were just, unless, did you burn her rebboks?
Ben: What do you wanna for Christmas, mum? Cause my middle name is "Money"
Jason: Correct me if I’m wrong, but I've been living under the assumption that your
middle name was "Humphrey"
Ben: I hate " Humphrey ".
Ben: And a kid with 65 dollars can call his own shots.
Maggie: Ben, where did you get 65 dollars?
Ben: Oh, me, mum...
Mike: ah... I came into a little money, mum. And you always taught me to share, so I
shared it with my little bro.
Jason: And now, just for the heck of it, Mike, the truth.
Ben: Jerry Delish bet on a horse for us and we won.
Maggie: Mike, you took Ben's money and risked it on a horse?
Ben: It was a sure thing, mum. Jerry Delish said so.
Maggie: Jerry-"I swear she looked eighteen"- Delish. There will be no more betting.
Ben: But, mum...I am going...
Jason: Wait. But, MUM. These guys are hot, they are on a roll, they won. I’m sure
there are some people who actually lose money at the track, but those people don't
know Jerry Delish.
Maggie: Ah. Well, maybe you are right, Jason. These boys do seem to have...winner
written right over them
Mike: So we can let it ride on Undulate on the eighth?
Jason: Boys, and I say this to you as a friend. I think you'd be crazy not to
Ben: Yeah, right...
Mike: Yeah, all right. Thanks a lot. see you later.
Jason: Don't worry, this will work.
Maggie: Two bucks say you are a loser.
Jason: You're on.
Jason: Don't worry, she will be fine. After all, she is a Seaver. She can take criticism.
Maggie: Good morning, Carol. You look nice.
Carol: Thank you.
Maggie: That's a real cute sweater.
Carol: Oh, you like it?
Maggie: A lot. It's a good color for you, brings out your eyes.
Carol: Not too bright?
Maggie: It's very becoming.
Carol: If you think not, I'm sure there's a book I can read perhaps "Introduction to
Teacher: You call these facts? How many kids through up from the tuna casserole?
Where’s the cafeteria's side of the story?
Student: Food services had no comment.
Teacher: Food services had no comment. You go back down to the cafeteria.
somebody in sandwiches or puddings has an axe to grind. You find yourself a deep
throat and you bring back a story.
Teacher: Next! Sit down!
Teacher: Carol, eh? All right. You want the job? You got it.
Carol: Really? You like my writing? Ah! I worked so hard on my metaphors
Teacher: Your metaphors stink.
Carol: Similies are more....
Teacher: Similies stink. Your writing stinks. Oh, excuse me, I forgot who I was
talking to. It is repeat with stinkiocity. At least you can spell. To be honest, they can't
even spell. But you spell words that nobody knows. Muculance? What in the hell is
Carol: Eh...It's ah... It's basically ... slimey glob
Teacher: Slimey glob. Call it slimey glob. People know what slimey glob is
Carol: I just felt that maybe...
Teacher: Felt is for pull tables. You start, Monday.
Carol: Thank you, but I don't think I want the job.
Mike & Ben: Come on! Undulate!
Commentator: Around the fern turn, its Nice Girl in the lead, with Undulate at the
third! Its still Nice Girl a full six lengths ahead of Hedge Trimmer, with Undulate a
Maggie: Hey! Guys! Looks like Undulate's gonna be very late.
Ben: Relax! Nice Gril always strikes strong. She'll fade.
Commnetator: And Nice Girl's starting to fade.
Mike: Come on, you can do it Undulate!
Ben: Don't worry! She'll make her move on the outside, right here, Undulate!
Speakman: And moving on the outside it is Undulate! Look at her go. They're moving
on the final stretch. They're neck and neck. It's nice-girl, Undulate! Nice-girl,
Undulate! And at the finish it is Undulate! By a nose hair! And she'll pay at nine to
Maggie: Nine to one!
Jason: Holy cow, that's four hundred and fifty bucks.
Mike: Alright. That's Jerry calling from OTV. What do we do? Fast bennie. we keep
the four fifty or let it ride on Nail Biter in the ninth?
Jason: Guys I don't think you should quit while you are ahead
Jason: Maggie! It's four hundred and fifty dollars you put that in a roll-over account
with interest and wait. Come on. We could teach them this gambling lesson another
time. Ok! Boys, I say, this is no time to stop. You know you got it. you got that
Mike: Hi! Jerry, put it all on Nail Biter to win.
Maggie: Hi! Carol. How did it go with Simmonds?
Carol: Fine thank you, I got the job.
Maggie: Oh, really? Well! Congratulations, honey! That's wonderful! Carol got the job
on the paper!
Carol: I turned it down!
Maggie: May I come in?
Maggie: What are you doing?
Carol: Cleaning this garbage out of my way.
Maggie: Carol, how come you turned the job down? I mean it really seemed like you
had your heart set on it.
Carol: Yeah! Well that was before I realised that there's nothing really creative about
journalism. I mean all you do is regurgitate facts. If I’m going to be a writer I'd
rather do a novel. At least people don't train their puppies on Moby Dick!
Carol: I can understand you being angry at me for my criticism of your article.
Carol: Why should I be angry? Simmonds gave me the job!
Maggie: I know! I know. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, well, honey, it's always
tricky giving criticism to someone you love. And I guess I just didn't do a very good
Obviously Simmonds was very happy with what you did. And I’m glad that I was
Maggie: Pardon me?
Carol: I said no. Ok? Are you happy? He said everything you said, only worse. He
said my article was repeat with stinkiocity.
Maggie: But you said that you got the job.
Carol: But that was only because all the other articles were repeat with stinkiocity.
Maggie: Oh, honey! I am so sorry.
Carol: he said he even didn’t know what muculance was.
Maggie: Well that’s just his stupidness sweatheart. Everybody knows what
Carol: I’ll never be able to write like you.
Maggie: Oh, hold on, hold on, honey, that’s just not true. That maybe you will be
reaching a little. But you have great natural abilities.
Carol: You're just saying that.
Maggie: Hey, hey. Didn't I establish myself last night as someone who isn’t afraid to
tell the truth?
Carol: Yeah. Even if it does mean crushing a little kid’s ego. You really think that I
might have natural ability?
Maggie: I dug this out of the attic this afternoon. Well, I thought you might like to
take a look at it.
Carol: A letter I wrote from camp 5 years ago?
Maggie: Uh huh. Read it.
Carol: "Dear mum and dad,
Camp is fun, except for the rash I got when I tried to find out what poison sue looks
like, except for the kids teasing anyone who is small, fat, left handed. Missing you
and baby Ben, and even Mike a little, but don't tell. Bring my chemistry set and
potato chips on visiting day, love, Carol."
That's not so good?
Maggie: Hey, Didn't we bring your chemistry set and your potato chips?
Maggie: Then you got your point across.
Carol: Yeah, I see what you are saying. But I still think it could have been better.
Maggie: What makes you say that?
Carol: Well, as I remember you brought Mike too
TV: And this is unbelievable! Coming around the final turn it's Nailbiter by 18 lengths,
running a distant second is Slimsfrog, with Arnold's Dream Date at third position.
And it is Nailbiter by 20 lengths. ... (Mike,Jason,& Ben's yelling)And Nailbiter is at the
final pole, and he must be a full 25 lengths ahead. That horse could walk in from
Ben: Go on, Nailbitter!...I'll never have to work again!
TV: Oh... Ladies and gentleman, wait a minute. There’s been an accident. Nailbitter
has tripped and gone down. The horse is on the ground. In all my years at the track
I've never seen anything like this!
Ben: Get up! get up!
Mike: Get up! Get up!
TV: A foot from the finish line! Maybe two feet. And the jockey is trying to drag the
horse across the finish. This is amazing! A 94 pound man trying to drag a race horse
by one leg.
Mike: Pull him! Pull him!
Jason: Come on!
TV: ...coming up from the outside is Slimsfrog! And the winner is ...Slimsfrog!
Jason: It was just......I hope you boys have learned your lesson!
Carol: Look at here, "X rays reveal that Nailbiter suffered a fractured fibular. Trainer
Jim Shepherd immediately announced that his prize stallion would be put out to stud
Ben: What's a "stud"?
Maggie: Well, Ben, sometimes when a boy horse get hurt, they used them to get lots
and lots of girl horses pregnant.
Jason: That's very good.
Mike: Ouch, ouch...