Growing Pains 103
Jason: Ok, here we go, how many for scrambled eggs?....... Ok how many for last nights
liver?..... how many for scrambled eggs?
Jason: Dad, I’m having some trouble with my science project
Jason: Uh hu. You need some help with it?
Jason: I need to know what it is
Jason: Well what are you studying in science?
Jason: Science stuff
Jason: OK, its a good start. Carol what did you do for your third grade science project?
Carol: Well I constructed a compound of monodychloride to polodychlorides that were capable
of withstanding excessive heat and mechanical stress
Mike: I ran tests to see how high a super-bowl would bounce
Jason: Well at least we've now defined the boundaries of science
Maggie: Morning everybody
Carol: You look nice
Jason: You sure do
Jason: You want some eggs?
Maggie: No time. I've got this eight thirty interview on this toxic waste story. Do you realise
that they are just dumping this stuff all over Long Island? It may very well be in our water,
even our food.
Mike: Even in our eggs
Maggie: I'm going to be late. Bye everybody
Jason: Bye bye, see you at lunch
Jason: Yeah, you were going to meet me back here for lunch.
Maggie: Oh Jason, I'm sorry. I completely forgot
Jason: No problem. So I’ll see you about noon?
Maggie: Well the problem is I don't think I’ll have time to come home.
Jason: It's your cooking dad. Take her out
Jason: Good idea. Listen why don't I just come by there and I’ll take you out for lunch?
Maggie: Oh gee, I'm not sure what time I'll be free. I don't want you to wait around
Jason: That's no problem. It'll be fun for me. I haven't seen you in action at your office
Maggie: Well I, umm
Mike: Mum. Come on, the guys begging for a date. I don't know how much more of this I can
Maggie: Ok, ok
Jason: See you later
Maggie: Bye bye
Maggie: No. No no. Mrs. Curwick, you see we suspect that East Town is giving you and your
neighbours a lot of false information about what’s been dumped in that reservoir.
Right...right..ah hu..You see that's just what I mean. There's no such thing as chunky style
water. Uh hu. For the record, good.
Maggie: Oh, just one minute
Jason: Mind if I make a call?
Maggie: Sure, right over there
Jason: I wanna place a call not launch an MX missile. Hello! This is Dr Seaver! Is Mr Anderson
in please? Oh! I’m sorry. I must have misdialed then. I was… No, no , I don’t wish to place a
classified ad. Oh, I’m sure that's a very good per word price, but, no I want to just try to get
an outside line here. No, I'm not going to be placing the ad with anyone else. I’m trying to
reach a patient. Mildly schizophrenic, dellusional,illusions of grander, occasional …
Maggie: Lets go with this one. Yes, yes, I’ll be right with you Mrs. Curwick.. Enhe…and this
Jason: Maggie! I think I just levelled Moscow
Maggie: Ok. I’m all set here.
Jason: So, what do you wanna eat?
Fred: Hi, Mags, wanna grab some lunch?
Maggie: Fred, I want you to meet my husband, Jason Seaver.
Fred: Oh, gees, I didn't even see you down there.
Maggie: Jason, this is Fred Mathers. Fred's the one I'm working with on the toxic waste story.
Fred: Oh! No! No! Don’t get up! It's really nice to meet you!
Jason: Well, it’s nice to meet you, too.
Fred: Mags has told me a lot about you.
Jason: Why didn’t you tell me about Fred?
Fred: Well poor Mags is stuck with me all day. I'm sur ethe last thing she wants to do when
she gets home is talk about me.
Maggie: That’s not true! I told you about Fred just yesterday. Don’t you remember?
Jason: Oh! Yeah! Well. I think I just picture you differently. Balder. Fatter.
Fred: Well, that’s the public for you. They think we all look like Lou Grant. Thank God Mags
doesn't hey Jason?
Maggie: Eh. Jason and I were jsut about to grab a bite.
Fred: Well I won't keep you. Excuse me. Oh! Mags, I will need to see you for a couple of
minutes before that meeting at 2 o’clock. It’, It’s 1:30 now.
Jason: Well look Fred. Why don’t you just join us for lunch?
Fred: Oh no I don't want to....
Jason: No, no, I insist. You two have work to do together.
Fred: It’s very nice of you, Jason. Mags, I didn’t tell you. Two of these goons tried to muscle
me when I was in East Town.
Jason: Must have been some big goons.
Mike: Come on, Carol, why can’ t you just write this essay for me?
Carol: Because it’s your assignment
Mike: Yeah but you'd do a better job, I mean, look, you’re standing on principle and the result
is that the essay suffers. And do you really want that on your conscience?
Carol: That’s a private hell I choose to live within.
Jason: Maggie? Thought I heard a car door slam?
Mike: No. You know, Dad no matter how many times I ask neighbours to please climb out of
their windows, they insist on using those doors.
Jason: Don’t be a wise guy, Mike. Carol, what time does your watch say?
Carol: En, ten o three. Why? Is yours broken?
Jason: No, no, It says ten o two. Just thought it might have stopped
Mike: Apparently it did Dad. But it sounds like you've nipped it in the bud.
Jason: Maggie! Fred! Hi! Yeah! No, I'll have her call you right away! Ok, You too. Bye, Bye!
Jason: Yeah! Fred is the guy your mother’s working on that toxic waste story with. Seems like
a nice guy. Very nice. Darn nice.
Carol and Mike: Oooh!
Jason: Will you guys act your age?
Carol and Mike: Ooooh!
Maggie: Hi! Everybody!
M&C: Hi! Mom!
Jason: Maggie! I didn't even hear your car door slam.
Maggie: Well, eh, I’ll try and do it louder next time. Well guys, how’re things going? What did
you do today?
Mike: Well, I went …
Jason: Nothing! They’re children. They have boring uneventful lives. How was your day? Tell
us about that story.
Maggie: I’m sorry our lunch got turned into a work session.
Jason: You’re kidding. That was great for me. That was shocking for me to discover how little I
knew about sludge. What about the East Town dump?
Maggie: Oh, honey! I am really bushed. I’d rather not even think about that stuff for a while.
Jason: Ok! Sure!
Mike: Oh, Dad. Don’t forget to tell her Fred just called.
Maggie: Oh! Fred called? Oh good. I need to talk to him. We're going to break that story
tomorrow if it means working through the night. Oh, I just cannot wait to nail those creeps.
Maggie: Fred? Hi. Ah, you're kidding?
Jason: So how did everyone enjoy my first forein in the wonderful world of pancakes?
Mike:Dad, beat the heck out of your forein in the wonderful world of liver.
Jason: Dad, did they have Science Projects when you were in third grade?
Mike: Ben, when Dad was in the third grade they didn’t have science. In fact when Dad was in
the third grade, they didn’t HAVE the third grade.
Jason: Mike, they say the sense of humour is the final stage of child develpoment. You ought
to feel it coming on any time now. Yes, Ben, I did a wonderful project in third grade. I grew
mould on bread.
Jason: On purpose?
Jason: Yes. Yes. I determined that mould(霉菌） would grow faster on white bread than on
Jason: I think I should strike out in new directions.
Jason: Well, What you really have to do is find something that interests you and that way the
project will teach you the most.
Carol: The ride's here. Bye! Mom!
Maggie: Bye! Sweetie. Have a good day!
Mike: Bye mom. Nice talking to you. You look good again.
Maggie: Thanks. Looking good yourself.
Mike: Oh, yeah, you know. Been cutting down on the beer.
Jason: Me too.
Maggie: I'm outta hear too. Oh remember Fred and I will probably be working late again late
Jason: So, what time you think you'll be home?
Maggie: Well, it’s hard to …
Jason: To estimate!
Maggie: Oh, I don’t know. Between 9 and 11. Might say.
Jason: You call that an estimate? No an estimate is 9:05 9:06.
Maggie: Ok. Let’s say between 10 and 10:15?
Jason: Well which one? 10 or 10:15?
Maggie: I don’t know Jason. It’s only 15 minutes.
Jason: It’s only 15 minutes? Mag a lot can happen in 15 minutes. The Titanic sunk in 15
minutes. Charlton Heston Picked up 10 commandments in 15 minutes. Our first child was
conceived in 15 minutes. Tops!
Maggie: Jason. Are you jealous?
Jason: Jealous? Of what?
Maggie: Of me and Fred…you know, working late …
Jason: Of you and ? That’s a comical farce.
Maggie: Jason, you’re jealous!
Jason: Oh, no, I’m not jealous! I’m a psychiatrist. I’m also a man with a hightened degree of
self-awareness. And for that reason, I can admit to a certain sense of loss over the fact you
now share things with a professional colleague. Until 10 or 11 at night. Things you and I are
unable to share. But I hasten to add that I would feel exactly the same way if your colleague
were a woman.
Maggie: Well, You are probably right.
Jason: But that’s not probably about it, Meg. Analysing people’s motivation is what I do for a
living. I’m not sexually jealous. I have far too much faith in you to ever be sexually jealous.
And I would appreciate it if you had the same faith of me.
Maggie: I’m sorry, Jason. I was just kidding. Forgive me?
Jason: Well, ok!
Maggie: Ok? I’ll see you later! Good
Jason: So what time you think you'll be home?
Carol: Mike! Cut it out!
Mike: What! I wasn’t doing anything!
Hason: Mike! Stop bothering your sister.
Mike: Dad, what’s another word for election?
Mike: I didn’t ask you! I asked Dad.
Carol: What’s the difference?
Mike: The difference is I don’t wanna know from you!
Mike: How do you spell it?
Carol: Why should I tell you how to spell it?
Mike: Because I asked you.
Carol: I thought you didn’t want to know things from me.
Mike: What are you, a lawyer? I mean I’m trying to do you a favour here by finding a use for
your brain. I don't know why you turn on me like a wild dog?
Carol: Cut it out.
Jason: Female subject grabs wrist at third clip.
Mike: You do that again and I'll kill you.
Jason: Male subject threatens death after first clip.
Jason: Ben, what are you doing?
Jason: It's my science project. I'm testing to see how long it takes certain people to response
to certain stimuli.
Jason: Well, it's not a good science project, so stop it.
Jason: But you told me to do something that interests me. Mike and Carol interest me more
Jason: That's a touching sentiment, Ben. Now, cut it out.
Jason: What's with him?
Mike: He doesn't like you. He never has. Hey, Dad, when's mom coming home?
Jason: Do I look like a Gene Dickson Mike? Your mother's a working adult. And when she’s
finished working, she will come home.
Jason: I wish she'd get here cos she thinks of great science projetcs
Jason: She does?
Jason: Last year she picked tadpoles.
Jason: Well that's it then!
Jason: I can't do tadpoles again. They keep these things on file.
Jason: No, I mean your mother. We should be asking your mother what to do. I think I'll go
down to that newspaper office right now and ask her.
Mike: Dad, why don’t you just call her?
Jason: Obviously you haven't seen the PHONES they have down there. Believe me it will be a
lot simpler in this way.
Carol: Won't that be bothering her, dad?
Jason: Absolutely not. No, no, your mother wants to be involved in these decision. Besides, I
don't like the idea of her being down at the office this late at night all by herself.
Carol: She's not all by herself. Fred's with her.
Jason: Even so.
Maggie: Fred, who's that?
Fred: I don't know. The janitor?
Maggie: No one who cleans for a living would press his nose against glass.
Fred: Bet it's one of those goons from the East Town dump site.
Maggie: Oh, I'll call the police.
Fred: You are all right?
Maggie: Oh! Honey?
Fred: I'm sorry.
Maggie: Sit down.
Jason: No, no I'm fine.Of course my nose stopped the door before it could hit my face.
Maggie: Jason, what are you doing here?
Jason: What am I doing here? It’s about Ben.
Maggie: Jason, what's it, is it serious?
Jason: Oh, of course, it's serious. I wouldn’t come down here if it wasn't serious, would I? I
don't know what to do with the boy. Maggie, he's got ba...ba...bad attitude about mould and
it’s just not ethical for him to do tadpoles again
Fred: Excuse me. This sounds personal.
Maggie: You came down here to check out upon me, didn't you?
Jason: Oh, oh, that's great, that's just great.I come down to discuss the welfare of our
youngest son, our baby——if you will? And you twist it into something
sordid. I have a good mind I should just turn around and walk out of here right now.
Maggie: I don't believe this. I mean you thought, you actually thought there was something
going on between me and Fred.
Jason:Aha.I can't even dignify that with a response.You like him better than me, don't you?
Jason: Oh, Maggie. Admit it. I'm not a complete idiot.
"Maggie, you wanna eat eggs? " "no time";"Maggie, how about we meet for lunch?""Oh, I
completely forgot";"Maggie, how's your day today""I don't wanna talk about it at all";"Fred
called?""Oh, I have time to talk to him!"
Maggie: Oh, Jason...
Jason: Don't "Jason" me, Maggie! And I've also been watching the way you are dressing lately.
And now I understand. It's because when he looks at you, he looks at you as if you...,as if you
were a woman.
Maggie: Yes, you know, and at first, I couldn't figure that out, and then it dawned on me: I
AM a woman!
Jason: So you admit it? You're into this Maggie. You enjoy it.
Maggie: Yes, I enjoy it. People find me interesting that makes me feel good. What's wrong
Jason: Oh, What's wrong with it is that you're putting your husband through a living hell. And
Maggie, I would never do that to you!
Jason: What do you mean "Ah"?
Maggie: "Ah" means I spent 15 years in sweat pants cleaning toilets while you went down to
your office in your sexy psychiatrist sweater and your sexy psychiatrist jacket...
Jason: But my jacket aren't sexy, Maggie. They are tweed.
Maggie: Women die for tweed.
Jason: I don't have any control over that.
Maggie: And how many nights did I spend watching your brocolli go limp, while I was waiting
for you to come home?
Jason: I was fighting traffic Maggie.
Maggie: Yeah, with that brilliant young psychiatrist in your car pool.
Jason: Dr.Rosen Bloom?
Maggie:Dr. Jeniffer Rosen Bloom who as I noticed, always managing to ride in the front seat
next to you
Jason: Maggie, she had very long legs!
Maggie: Well, that's a relief. I hope leg room wasn't a problem when the two of you jetted off
to Chicago for that psychiatric convention.
Jason: We were writing a paper together, Maggie.
Maggie: Yes, I remember it——"Human Sexual and inhibitions: Use Them Or Lose Them".
Jason: Maggie, that was strictly a professional relationship!
Maggie: What do you think this is?
Jason: Was that a rhetorical question?
Maggie: Waiting for someone else to come home all the time is hard Jason. But you get
better at it.
Jason: I hope so. Suddenly I feel very silly.
Maggie: "silly" is a strong word. Not entirely inappropriate, but strong. Jason, I love you, I
could never cheat on you.
Jason: Well, thank you.
Maggie: You are welcome...caterpillars!
Maggie: It's obvious Ben should do caterpillars!
Jason: Oh now that's a great idea!
Jason: It's a good thing I came down here tonight.
Jason: So how's Ben doing with his caterpillars?
Carol: Somebody else was already doing caterpillars. Ben had to think of a new project
Jason: A new project? Please. Pretty good.
Mike: It's yum!
Jason: Hey! Where's my mould experiment?