Growing Pains 101
Jason: Alright lady drop that spatula or you're scrambled.
Maggie: Go ahead, make my day. Well, I guess I showed you.
Jason: Show me more
Maggie: Oh Jason, the kids.
Jason: I can kiss the kids later. You know I read an article that said that two career couples
should really make a special effort to always remain...frisky.
Maggie: At breakfast?
Jason: At all meals.
Mike: What's the matter? You guys aren't getting' enough?
Jason: Michael, a lot of kids would get smacked for a remark like that
Mike: Come on dad, you can't hit me you're a liberal humanist.
Jason: Could be an accident.
Carol: Could be a dream come true.
Mike: Mom, can't we sell Carol and get a tape deck for the Volvo?
Carol: Mike, you give new meaning to the word vacuous.
Mike: Oh yeah? What was the old meaning?
Carol: I rest my case.
Jason: Ben! Ben! What's so funny Ben?
Ben: That Phyllis George, she's screwed up again.
Maggie: Hey, what's that you're reading about?
Carol: Well it says here that as the universe expands, all matter is degenerating into a state
of total disorganization.
Maggie: Thank god I thought it was just me.
Mike: So what are you guys doing tonight? "The House of Sweat", yeah great! Hey look can I
talk to you guys later, yeah, bye.
Maggie: Mike, what is "The House of Sweat"?
Carol: It's that new under twenty dance club on Geravo Turnpike.
Mike: Yeah, and it sounds like a great idea mom. It's a safe, wholesome place for teens to
Maggie: And the larger the group, the smaller their brains get.
Jason: Oh come on Maggie!
Mike: Yeah, come on Maggie! Yes well time to go wait for that school bus; you know if I hurry
I can still get a seat in the non-smoking section.
Maggie: Good day! Bye sweetheart. Bye Ben, love you!
Jason: Catch you later Ben! I still have some paper work to do before my nine o' clock gets
here, and if you start feeling frisky and you have eight of ten seconds before work, you know
where to find me.
Maggie: Ben, what are you doing here you'll miss the bus. What's the matter honey?
Ben: Dad didn't know how to do my elbow.
Maggie: Oh? Let me see. Oh dad did a great job on these cuts...Superman bandaids- the
works. Oh I get it, he didn't kiss it better...and say I love you little pumpkin head.
Ben: It was all so clinical. Mom, how come you had to go back to work?
Maggie: I didn't have to Ben, I wanted to. Come here. Ben, imagine you had to spend fifteen
years in this house, without ever going out to play. You'd go crazy wouldn't you? Well believe
it or not, a lot of grown-ups feel the same way about work.
Ben: That's sick mom.
Maggie: Ben, I know this has been a big change for all of us, and I worry about not being
here for you because...well...you're the youngest. And I worry about not being here for Carol
because she's a girl, and she needs her mother. And I worry about not being here for Mike, to
keep him from accidentally blowing something up. And believe me I worry about leaving your
father here to cope with all you monsters.
Ben: You shouldn't worry so much mom, you'll make yourself crazy.
Maggie: I love you.
patient: It's always the same dream Doc. I on a subway, and this woman sits across from
me...beautiful woman! And I look at her, she looks at me. I lick my lips, she licks her lips. This
goes on, and finally she leans across and she whispers to me: "you have huge knees". Does
that mean anything Doc?
Mike: I should be good for about five bucks a piece.
Jason: Good visit Waller, and hey don't worry too much about this thing, ok? See you next
week. Bye bye!
Mike: Can I talk with you for a second dad?
Mike: In your office. Kids!
Jason: So, you wanted to talk about something...
Mike: Yeah, erm, mostly I just wanted to mention how smoothly things have been running,
since the wife went back to work, and you moved your practice back into the house.
Jason: Well thank you.
Mike: Dad, we've been friends now for a long time...right?
Jason: Off and on, yes
Mike: I know, I love that. See dad, you know that dance hall place I mentioned this
Jason: "The House of Sweat".
Mike: Yeah, yeah. Jerry and I were talking and we decided...
Mike: Yeah, Jerry Delish. He's an older friend of mine, an excellent driver, with two years of
Jason: Two years of drivers A?
Mike: Yeah, you see in his first class he ran over a dog...but he drove beautifully after that,
and we're talking one tiny, wreckless little dog here dad.
Jason: tough break.
Mike: So anyway I was thinking that maybe we could go down there tonight, and Jerry would
drive so you wouldn't have to....
Jason: what would your mother say?
Mike: Mom? I guess she would say...what's the phrase I'm looking for here dad?
Mike: Yeah that's it. I guess that means I can't go, right?
Jason: Well, it just means I don't like you coming in, and trying to get away with something.
That's not the relationship I wanna have with you.
Mike: I'm sorry dad.
Jason: Alright now look. Now that I'm in charge at home, we can try things my way.
Jason: You don't even know what "my way" is?
Mike: Sure I do dad, it's a Sinatra song.
Jason: You're workin' a fine line here Mike. Ok look, here's the deal. I'll give you a little more
freedom, you've got to promise me alot more responsibility.
Mike: Hey, no problem dad. I swear, I am ready for total responsibility
Jason: Mike, I'm not ready for total responsibility.
Mike: You're right, sorry.
Jason: Ok? You go out and have a good time. Just remember what we talked about.
Mike: Absolutely dad, thanks, I promise. Wait, what about mom, what if she's mad?
Jason: Mike, your mom's not an ogre...I'll talk to her she'll understand
Maggie: You let him do what?
Jason: Maggie, he's fifteen years old now.
Maggie: So what! He's fifteen! It's completely arbitrary to just pick an age like that, and say
that is when a kid is mature.
Jason: You know that by the time Mozart was fifteen, he'd written seven symphonies.
Maggie: That's because Mozart's father didn't let him go to "The House of Sweat". Who did he
Jason: I don't know. Some kid...Jerry Dolish, Dellish.
Maggie: Jerry "dog killer" Dellish.
Jason: Maggie, he hit one dog.
Maggie: Yeah, but he hit it four times
Jason: Ok, well, err, Mike isn't Jerry, and a kid needs some freedom in order to learn
Maggie: Ah Jason I know you believe in this unlimited human potential...stuff. And that's
great for your patients, but when...
maggie and Jason: ...it comes to your own children...
Maggie: ...I believe in original...
Maggie: Sin. Oh I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have gone back to work.
Jason: Now come on Maggie, don't say that. Now you took fifteen years off, to raise a family,
and you deserve to go back to work now. You just have to have a little more faith in me and
Maggie: Oh, maybe you're right.
Jason: Course I'm right. We shouldn't be worrying, we should be...celebrating. Which is why
I've taken the liberty of placing a little chilled Champagne in a bucket beside the bed...slipped
some satin sheets on the old bouncer.
Maggie: satin sheets, you?
Jason: yeah, well the gut in the store showed me some before and after pictures of a couple
who tried them and....they looked very...satisfied.
Maggie: And what about Ben, and Carol?
Jason: Well I slipped some sleeping pills into their Gatorine. They'll be asleep for about three
Jason: Well I didn't really, but they are fffrrrr, and we can frrefderrtt!!!! Hello. Yeah this is
Jason Seaver. No you must be looking for someone else because....take your clothes off...no,
no, our Mike is only fifteen, so he wouldn't be driving a car..I see.
Maggie: What did he say?
Jason: He said, that's why your Mike is in our jail.
prisoner: What are you in for kid?
Mike: I killed a man, just to watch him die. You?
prisoner: Unpaid parking tickets.
Mike: Oh no it's my mom!
Jason: Come on Maggie, we don't even know the facts yet. I mean it's not so unusual for a
teenage boy to have a minor run-in with the police. Some of these guys can be real macho
policeman: Hiya! You folks care for some hot cocoa? I just made a fresh pot.
Jason: look, we're the Seavers. You've locked up our son. An officer claimed he was driving a
policeman: Ah yes sir, we...er...picked him up in the "House of Sweat" parking lot. He was
driving in circles for approximately twelve minutes.
Jason: Ok, so a fifteen year old boy drives his friends car around the lot a few times.
policeman: Oh did I mention, he side swerved a police car on the way out?
Jason: he what?
policeman: He tore that bumber off like he was peeling an orange. A three hundred and fifty
Mike: Hiya dad...mom. You look good tonight. You look young!
prisoner: Come on son.
Mike: Mom, dad, this is Jerry. I guess it's kind of hard to see the basis of our friendship, huh?
Jason: I dunno, he has a certain...care free charm.
Mike: you should see him when he's sober.
Maggie: Mike! You will be grounded for two months.
Mike: Two months!?! Dad can't you talk to her?
Jason: Oh I did Mike. Originally it was one month.
Mike: That means you added a month.
Ben: Nothing gets by you does it.
Mike: Dad you said you'd talk to her.
Jason: Damn it Mike!!! You said you'd act responsibly, now I don't wanna hear another word
out of you is that clear?
ben and Carol: Wow.
Maggie: Oh yeah, our romantic evening. Anyone who's not used to satin sheets could easily
have an accident.
Jason: Maggie, don't patronize me!! Ok?! And where the hell are my pyjamas?
Maggie: Gee I'm sorry I'm really not sure.
Jason: Well you wouldn't think it would be so damned tough to keep tabs on a pair of
pyjamas around here!!!!
Maggie: Jason, I don't understand why you're so upset. I mean it's not like this is the first
time he's screwed up.
Jason: Who's screwed up?
Jason: Who said anything about Mike. I'm upset because I can't find my pyjamas. I mean if
you'd left a pair of pyjamas around...and these are big pyjamas I'm talking about...and they
just vanished into thin air...well wouldn't you be pretty upset???!!!!!
Maggie: Absolutely. In fact I'm amazed at the way you're holding it together.
Carol: I...I've never seen dad, actually too mad to talk.
Mike: Well thanks for your support, you know I feel like a new man now.
Carol: I'm sorry. Look it's not so bad, I bet in a year he'll look back on this whole thing and
laugh. Ok, maybe chuckle.
Jason: Ok, I admit it...I'm upset with Mike.
Jason: Aren't you?
Maggie: Absolutely, I'm furious...but no more furious at him than I've been a dozen times
before. I mean he's a kid Jason, what did you expect?
Jason: Yeah, but he said, not three feet away from me, and he said "dad I swear it, I'm ready
for total responsibility."
Maggie: Jason, you are not ready for total responsibility. I mean face it, the boy's fifteen.
He's a hormone with feet.
Jason: I know, I know I know but someday that hormone will be a man, and I want that man
to have a sense of responsibility.
Maggie: Go talk to him. You won't sleep if you don't. Don't worry, I'll continue the search for
Jason: You were asleep.
Mike: I was? I was and it was a dream...
Mike: Oh, still angry? Hey dad, I know this is no excuse, but Jerry's car handles really badly.
And I was the one who decided that Jerry was too drunk to drive.
Jason: Mike he was unconscious.
Mike: I know.
Jason: and what are you doing with a kid who drinks like that?
Mike: I should have called you.
Jason: Why didn't you?
Mike: Well dad there were these girls there...
Jason: Ah course! wouldn't want them to think you had parents. Mike what kind of
relationship are we gonna have if I can't trust you?
Mike: I guess I'm just a jerk, maybe you shouldn't trust me.
Jason: Well that's certainly one way to go. That's the way my father went with me. I guess I
hoped that when I had a son it would be different.
Mike: I know dad.
Jason: Mike you probably don't remember this but, when you were three weeks old, I took
you to the Mets home opener, cradled you in my arms...up comes Don Clendenin...hits a shot
of the left field score board to win in the twelfth. I hugged you real tight, jumped you up and
down, and you, you threw up in your complimentary Mets batting container.
Mike: I'm sorry dad.
Jason: It was my fault, I never should've let you suck that beer off my finger.
Mike: No dad, I meant about tonight, I'm sorry.
Jason: Well, thankyou.
Mike: You know dad, I try, I really try, but sometimes, almost without wanting, I just find
myself doing something really stupid.
Jason: Sort of an uncontrollable impulse huh?
Jason: Or is it more like you think you're doing something really stupid, and then you weigh
you chances of getting away with it and if they're better than ten percent, you go for it.
Jason: That's why you're grounded for two months.
Jason: Well if it makes you feel any better, I did some pretty lamo things in my day.
Mike: like what?
Jason: Well like I remember when I was sixteen, me and some buddies, we drove around
town one night, mooning everybody. We even mooned the mayor's wife.
Mike: you dad?
Jason: Uhu. Yeah we got arrested for indecent exposure. Had to let us off though...mayor's
wife refused to make an identification.
Mike: You dad?
Jason: Will you stop saying that!
Mike: Does mom know about this?
Jason: You kidding? How do you think we met?
Mike: Alright dad! Hey dad you ever get the urge to do dumb stuff now?
Jason: No. No, no I don't Mike. I think that's what being an adult is all about.
Mike: Oh. Alright, good night dad.
Jason: Night son. Hey! Come back in here for a second.
Maggie: (singing) I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down, a
tumbling down. I feel my heart start to tremble whenever you're around...ooohh baby when I
see your face.
ben, carol and Mike: (singing) Blue river, wider than the.....