Growing Pains 215
(ringing of the phone)
Ben hello Ben siever’s residence. Carol, it’s your stupid boyfriend.
Carol shut up Ben, just shut up. Hang up the phone Ben.
Jason Ben, is your mom home yet?
Jason I thought I heard her car.
Ben that’s mike. He just washed his car and he’s driving it back and forth in the
driveway to air dry it.
Jason well she better hurry up or we’re going to miss the start of that movie
Ben I don’t get why you guys want to spend Friday night at a movie when you
could stay home with me on the best tv night of the week.
Jason well, it’s like this Ben. Every once in a while your mom and I like to go out alone
together just to celebrate the fact that we have three great kids.
Ben sure dad.
Jason besides Tuesday night is the best tv night and oh Ben, this is a new sitter
tonight so please be kind to her, ok?
Ben I don’t need a sitter!
Jason we’ve been over that
Ben I just mean that the guy taking out carol out cancelled so she can watch me
Jason well I just hope that I can catch the sitter!
Carol I’m on the phone pea brain!
Maggie Hi honey, hi Ben
Maggie oh you said it, I just want to put my feet up and relax
Ben mom, you forgot the movie.
Maggie what movie?
Ben the one dad’s been looking forward to all week.
Jason well that’s ok, Ben, we’ll have just as much fun staying at home with you
Ben and carol
Maggie what happened to her date with bobby winette?
Ben he’s grounded
Mike I didn’t do anything
Ben it’s carol’s boyfriend. He got his third speeding ticket in 6 months.
Mike alright bobby! Umm, I mean, somebody should speak to the boy
Carol talk about bad news
Mike Bobby’s grounded, the date’s cancelled, you’re bummed. I heard. Now if you’ll
excuse me, I have to go shower.
Maggie oh big plans tonight?
Mike no, just me, eddie, and boner are going to go hang out.
Jason You’re going to shower for Eddie and Boner?
Mike c’mon dad I’m showering ‘cause I might get lucky
Maggie define “get lucky”
Mike um, well, you know, I, uh, might run into one of my teachers and I sure want to be
clean for that.
Ben That buck said he’s going patrolling for chicks.
Show me that smile again
Oh show me that smile
Don’t waste a love living on your crying
We know we’re near
We know we’re near
The best is to begin
As long as we got eachother
We got the world spinning right at our hands baby
Rain or shine
All the time
We got eachother
Sharing the laughter of love
Maggie ok Ben, here’s your beans and weenies, and carol you get the macho meat beef and
Jason here’s your “it sure tastes like chicken” chicken
Ben Hello. Yeah. Mike it’s Eddie.
Mike Take a message I’m shaving.
Ben what’s he shaving?
Jason hey those two chins hairs can get kind of unruly. You know?
Ben I’ll tell him Eddie. Eddie says “what’s keeping you? There’s a thousand vices out
there with your name on ‘em.”
Jason yes, I’ll have a talk with him
Maggie thank you
Mike uhh dad there’s no need for you to have a talk with me after the fine job that you
and dad have done teaching me the proper values I don’t think there’s going to be anything to
worry about. I mean what can you do? Lock me in my room?
Maggie and Jason hmmmm
Carol I’ll get it
Mike okay so I’ll see you guys at one and you know there’s no need at all for
You guys to wait up for me
Maggie so who’s turn is it to wait up? Yours or mine?
Trudy so like hi!
Maggie Jason you forgot to cancel the babysitter?
Jason I thought you did. Trudy, I’m sorry but we changed our plans. I’ll run you home.
Trudy oh wow, I’m not allowed
Jason excuse me?
Trudy my mom and dad are out for the evening and I’m not allowed to be home
Ben wait a minute here. Let me get this straight. My sitter needs a sitter?
Mike so what do you guys want to do?
Boner umm, we could try the bowl your brains out 99 cent special
Boner well you think of something?
Boner well USAN is having a teenage mixer and fish fry
Mike you’re having a break down
Eddie hey, I got it, I got it. Look, we could go park outside a drive-in and lip read a movie!
Boner that’s good, that’s real good
Eddie c’mon man it’s Swedish.
Mike Roland Taylor, hey man, how you doing?
Roland I’m good. Siever. Eddie, boner, how’s it going?
Eddie how’s college?
Mike Forget college, how’s the co-ed dorm?
Boner so what have you been up to?
Roland just picking up some pizzas for a little get-together. You?
Mike Oh big stuff, big stuff. We’ve got some dates with some Swedish women tonight.
Roland Tonight’s working out for all of us. It’s good to see you guys
Mike you too.
Eddie man, what’s he got going?
Pizza Girl 8 large pizzas. That’s 74.55
Roland ok you keep the change
Mike hey roland so about this little get-together tonight
Roland it’s just your standard. Young girls, heated pool, no parents let’s get crazy event.
Eddie yo ROLANDO! Let me give you a hand here. C’mon help the man out.
Roland fine. Wait, wait a minute are you guys really so pathetic that you’re practically
begging me to come to the party?
Roland Ok, the food’s over there, the drinks are over there and the women are, what the
Mike hey rols so who’s house is this anyway?
Roland Beats me.
Boner will you look at this place?
Mike yeah, I’m looking man.
Eddie holy, look over there by the piano. Is that Lana from Dewey?
Boner Lana who?
Eddie Lana “my daddy gave me a porche for my birthday” Fairday.
Boner wait that could be. I’ve never been in the same room as her.
Mike Oh look man. There’s Emmy and peter. wait that’s joe simpson. Can you actually
believe we’re at the same party as these guys?
Boner yeah you’re right we should go
Mike no, c’mon there’s no reason why we can not run with this hight crowd, right? Just
Boner wow would guys take a look at this momma?
Mike cool it boner, cool it. C’mon this is a real classy bunch!
Girl excuse me.
Eddie Gentlemen, start your engines. I gotta go to the john first
Other guy hey wait your turn bozo
Eddie oh sorry
Boner hey did you guys notice something? Rich people go to the bathroom in
Mike why didn’t you know that? c’mon don’t embarrass us in front of these people boner.
Eddie excuse me, that chick wants me
Mike c’mon get real
Boner no, she wants me
Mike alright well you guys discuss it uh, hi, um I’m sorry but I just had to tell you that
you look just like a movie star
Girl really? Which one?
Mike which one? Well, you know that real sexy movie star
Girl Robb lowe?
Mike right! No, no. . .
Girl you’re kind of cute
Mike yeah, well it’s a look
Girl so, uh, would you like to go to the john with me?
Mike hahaha, uh, no, no, it’s okay you go
Girl oh sorry, you probably think that I’m after your stash
Girl it’s my treat. Uh you are cool, aren’t you?
Mike um cool. Yeah.
Girl our turn
Mike uh listen, I gotta go to the bathroom
Mike no I don’t mean the bathroom, I mean the bathroom
Lana Rhonda your parents are on the phone long distance
Girl ok, um, don’t go away.
Lana mike siever, right?
Mike uh yeah! Lana you have no idea how nice it is to see you
Lana ah! Nice to see you too.
Mike look lana, don’t freak but there is cocaine at this party
Lana (laughs) well, I should hope so! You’re funny! Don’t freak. That’s great, that’s great.
Mike guys, guys do you have any idea what kind of party this is?
Boner oh yeah, it’s a great one.
Mike no it’s not man, it’s not. Listen there’s cocaine at this party. right there in that
Eddie wow. So rich people don’t necessarily go to the bathroom together after all!
Mike c’mon guys now we’re not really interested in cocaine are we?
Boys not me, not me
Mike let’s get the hell out of here.
Eddie but I am interested in Lana
Boner oh yeah
Mike Lana? she does cocaine too, man. I thought she was cool.
Boner well mike a lot of cool people use cocaine
Mike c’mon that stuff is killing people
Eddie it’s not going to hurt us if we use it just one time with lana and her female friends
Mike look guys I’m sure that everybody’s who been screwed up with that drug felt the
same way that first time
Boner yeah, you’re saying we’re that wishy washy
Mike would you look at the man? I rest my case. C’mon let’s split.
Boner mike everyone’s going to think we’re weenies if we go
Mike no they won’t man, look, none of these people even know us. We can just slip out
of here and who will know?
Roland hey siever! I found six more dewey hooters here tonight
Girl hi mike!
Mike hi oh good
Maggie who wants some fresh from the oven mock apple pie
Maggie honey, mock apple
Ben mom, the cartel has their mules running a half a ton of uncut snow through the
Miami pipeline. We’re talking the street value of 16 million big ones here.
Trudy sounds low to me
Maggie well I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t we watch a Disney movie on tape?
Ben mom, not in front of trudy
Maggie how about Cinderella with those cute, little mice?
Carol when we had mice last year you didn’t think they were so cute
Jason Maggie, exactly what am I eating? This tastes like a soggy cracker or something
Trudy that’s my dad
Maggie well trudy it’s been nice having you as our guest
Trudy guest? Does that mean you’re going to try to get out of paying me?
Maggie uh, uh of course not. Jason?
Jason oh Jason yeah right. Sure. Here trudy. Here you go.
Trudy thanks. Any time you want me to babysit you guys just let me know.
Maggie now this was my favorite movie when I was a little girl
Carol oh boy am I tired
Ben yeah, I’m one tired, little puppy good night dad, good night mom
Maggie good night
Jason boy, when I was 10 if I knew half of what Ben knows now I’d have been
Maggie honey Ben is dangerous
Girl hi mike
Eddie we’re dead, we’re dead. Everyone’s going to think we’re weenies.
Boner not necessarily, I’ve got an idea. We don’t say that we don’t want to try cocaine.
All we have to say is that we have to be home before 10.
Mike what’s so funny?
Lana I was just thinking how upset my mom and dad would be if they knew I was having
Lana Well you see it’s their coke. now where were we?
Mike uh look, I just wanted to say . . .
Eddie that I’m eddie and that’s boner up there
Girl hi well let’s make this a group tooth. Lana!
Roland eddie, siever, now you can be cool or you can be a wimp here huh?
Lana ahhh, that hot tub is looking pretty good
Girl it will look better once we visit the bathroom
Lana don’t mind if I do
Eddie oh hotubbing with Lana Fairday, I can’t stand it! It’s lucky I’m wearing my
trunks. I ran out of clean underwear!
Lana shall we?
Boner don’t blow this for us mike huh?
Girl is, uh, something wrong?
Mike um look I’m just not in the mood okay
Boner yeah, he’s trying to get all the heavy drugs out of his system
Boy anyway, please, if you guys are going to have a discussion can we use the john?
Lana just wait a minute okay? Now what’s going on here?
Mike um, look I’ve never done coke before
Lana for a second there I thought you guys were narcs! Especially the strange
Boner thank you
Girl look, if it’s your first time we’ll be gentle with you.
Boner first time
Eddie yeah first time
Mike hey, I don’t want to do coke ok?
Mike c’mon what’s wrong with that?
Girl umm, I’m gonna go check on the hot tub.
Lana I’ll come with you
Boy excuse us boys
Mike guys I feel like a jerk, let’s get out of here. Are you guys coming or what?
Eddie c’mon mike she’s checking on the hot tub!
Mike eddie can we go?
Boner let’s put it to a vote, huh
Mike look, we came together we should leave together. I thought you guys were my friends.
Alright, you guys can stay or you can go, but I’m leaving.
Eddie I think I want to stay mike
Boner mike, friends don’t make friends do something they don’t want to
Eddie you know, I never thought siever would wimp out like that
Boner what? You’re confused man. We’ve been running with mikey since the first grade.
We know he’s not a wimp. He’s cool.
Lana so, are you in or are you out, boys?
Jason well it’s 2 am. That’s a nice night.
Jason mike? It is mike, right? No, it couldn’t be. My mike was supposed to be home at 1
Mike uh dad, I know I missed my curfew
Jason whoa, at least you admitted you had one. Now that’s progress.
Mike hey dad, isn’t tonight the night we turn the clocks back for the time change?
Jason no, mike, that’s in October which is when you’re going to be grounded until unless
you can give me a good explanation for where you’ve been.
Jason no, no no wait, wait, wait, let me get comfortable here. You know how I love these
stories. What will it be tonight, mike? You were out and saved some lives tonight. No
wait I’ll bet you ran into those darn gypsies again. Are you okay?
Mike dad, can I talk to you as a friend? Not as a guy who will make my life miserable?
Jason what’s wrong mike?
Mike dad, I gotta know that what I tell you won’t be used against me
Jason okay, what is it?
Mike ok, so I have your word that whatever I say you’re not going to. . .
Jason mike, just say it okay?
Mike ok. Me and eddie and boner. We ended up at a party where everybody was doing,
Mike wait, you’re not my dad, you’re a friend!
Jason cocaine? Really?
Mike yeah, and if you didn’t do it you were a wimp
Mike dad I never felt so much pressure in my life
Mike and from boner and eddie
Mike and it was like I didn’t even have a choice
Mike and I didn’t do it.
Jason you didn’t do it as in you did not
Mike I didn’t do the stupid drug
Jason well that’s great mike. That’s wonderful. I always figured that you’d make that
right choice if you had to face that but I’m relieved.
Mike dad, that’s not it.
Mike dad, I have been thinking about this since the party. Dad, I have been driving and
driving. . . .
Jason mike, you did the right thing
Mike yeah, that’s what kills me
Jason I don’t understand
Mike dad, I know I did the right thing. Its just that I feel like everyone’s going to laugh at
me. And some of those people did laugh.
Jason well, mike you’re not going to be able to please everybody.
Mike yeah well tonight I didn’t please anybody
Jason except yourself
Jason yeah, what you did tonight took real courage, mike. I admire you.
Jason sleep on it
Mike good night dad
Jason good night mike
Mike thanks dad
Jason uh eddie and boner called for you. They said they didn’t go to the bathroom and
they don’t want to.
Mike well what do you know?
Jason what does that mean?
Mike a lot.
Jason what a world.
Mike hi. You know a lot of people tell you that drugs are cool and they’re the same people who
are saying that everybody is doing something so what’s your problem? Well they’re wrong.
Everybody’s not doing drugs and you don’t have to do it to be cool. Look, I’m not telling you
how to live your lives, but I am telling you that you don’t have to do something that you don’t
want to just to keep your friends happy. I mean, if that’s the way that they feel, then maybe
they’re not your friends. And maybe they’re not as cool as you thought they were. And one
last thing. I’m not being paid to say this. This is how I feel and if you think that makes me
uncool, then you’re wrong.