Growing Pains 214
Friend: Is this a pyjama party or a funeral?
Carol: A pyjama party. Come on guys.
Ben: Mike. Mike! Ahhhh!
Ben: you scare me like that again, I'm going to slug you.
Mike: Ben, you said you were up to this caper, now if you're not..
Ben: I bought the snake from Stinky Sullivan, didn't I? And I got it in the house, didn't I?
I even got mum and dad to go for a walk. I've done everything. You've done nothing.
Mike: Wrong. Look. First, I'm the guy who thought of this plan. And second, I let you help me.
Alright, now for the next step. Ok now, do you remember what you are supposed to say when
I run in there to rescue the girls?
Ben: Yeah. Be careful Mike! Cecil's poisonous.
Mike: Ok, ok. Don't call the snake Cecil. Right?
Ben: That's his name.
Mike: Ben, It’s supposed to be a wild snake. Wild snakes don't have names.
Ben: How do you know?
Ben: Think snakes go around calling each other 'Hey you'?
Mike: Look. I don't care. Let’s just get the plan straight. Alright?
Jason: The plan!
Ben: What are people trying to do to me?
Maggie: What's going on?
Jason: Hey, what's all this?
Ed: Well, we just happened to be in the neighborhood, and we thought we'd drop in.
Jason: You're two hundred miles from home.
Ed: No we aint. This is home.
Grandma: The house has been sold.
Maggie: What, you sold your ...
Ben: They've found Cecil.
Mike: Wow, wo! Wait now ladies. What seems to be the problem?
Mike: Oh no!
Ben: It's probably in the sleeping bag Mike. They like warm places.
Mike: Alright. Now stand back everybody. Ben, if I don’t make it, call nine-one-one.
Ben: Nice touch!
Carol: Wait a minute, I smell a rat.
Girls: A rat? Ahhhh!!!!!!!
Mike: Don't worry. I'll get rid of it.
Jason: What’s going on here? What are you doing with Stinky Sullivan’s snake?
Carol: Yep, that's my brother. Crazy and funny Mike. Would you guys please do something
about Mike? He's embarrassing me beyond belief.
Ha ha, just right for the party night.
Grandma: Oh Carol!
Grandma: Look how my little baby girl has grown up. Why, have you started wearing a bra?
Carol: Mum, my life is over.
Jason: Mike, Ben, in the kitchen now.
Ben: You were great Cecil.
Maggie: Mum, let’s talk in the kitchen.
Grandma: Well, at least you have a kitchen
Carol: Don't worry about it Shelly. The snake has gone.
Shelly: well, what about the rat?
Girls: The rat! Ahh!!!
Jason: Now Mike. We all agree. There's nobody in that living room tonight, except Carol and
Mike: Come on dad. How can you're picking on just me?
Jason: Well because I'm sure little Ben is an innocent party to all this.
Ben: Ah ha ha ha.
Maggie: Ben and Mike, upstairs and in bed right now. And take your reptile with you.
Jason: That way.
Mike: Ok. Alright. But before we go, lets just clear up exactly what this off limits area includes.
Maggie: So mum, this business of selling the house. What’s going on?
Grandma: Nothing I care to discuss right now.
Jason: I was just going out to talk to Ed. You know how Ed and I love to pal around. Ed!
Ed: Where can I plug this?
Maggie: Anywhere daddy.
Jason: I was just coming out to see you Ed.
Maggie: Daddy, he wants to see your trailer.
Ed: Maggie, that is not a trailer. It’s a nineteen eighty seven meanderer deluxe, the vagabonds
Jason: The vagabonds dream machine.
Ed: You know about that?
Jason: Oh, I've seen the ad.
Ed: Ah. Well, maybe you'd like to go outside and check it out? Maybe you can help me turn it
Jason: Well alright.
Maggie: So mum, why on earth did you sell your house?
Grandma: I blame it all on my cousin Effie.
Maggie: What did she do?
Grandma: She died.
Maggie: Oh I’m sorry.
Grandma: I never liked her anyway. But I did go to her funeral. I was only gone three days.
When I came back, your father had sold the house without even consulting me, and bought
that monstrosity out there, which he says we are going to spend the rest of our days in.
Maggie: Well, that doesn't sound like daddy.
Grandma: Oh yes it does. He's been acting strangely ever since we went to Niagara Falls.
Maggie: When did you go to Niagara Falls?
Grandma: On our honeymoon.
Maggie: Mum, have you told daddy how unhappy you are about all of this?
Grandma: Oh, I've given him plenty of hints. I sit still, staring straight ahead with a vacant
look on my face.
Maggie: Mum, you always have a vacant look on your face.
Ed: Go ahead.
Jason: Oh that’s ok.
Ed: No, see for yourself.
Jason: I take your word for it.
Ed: You never take my word for it.
Jason: Ok, let’s see. Ooh!
Ed: Yeah. And it's durable too.
Jason: It is. I can tell. Oops!
Ed: Ah! He he!
Jason: You know, the brochures never do these things justice.
Ed: No. Pres the round thing a me jig.
Jason: No, that’s alright.
Ed: Press the darn.. that's it.
Ed: I figure, if this is going to be my castle, I ought to have a decent throne.
Jason: I could be happy in there.
Ed: Listen. Out in Hollywood, some of the stars use this, uh, meanderer deluxe for their
Ed: Uh hu. I figure, if it's good enough for Lony Anderson, its good enough for a retired cop.
Jason: Well this is terrific Ed. Forget Lony Anderson.
Ed: I can't
Jason: Oh. Cowabunga!
Ed: I didn't know you had a sense of humor.
Jason: You show me a man who's been married for seventeen years, I'll show you a man with
a sense of humor.
Ed: You know you're ok.
Jason: Oh, look at that captains chair!
Ed: Would you like to try it on for size?
Jason: Could I?
Ed: Be my guest.
Jason: Oh, right! Oh Ed!
Jason: I envy you Ed.
Ed: You envy me?
Jason: You kidding? Cruising those highways, every day a different vista out of that window,
tied to nothing but the open road and free to find adventure, and follow wherever it leads. No
responsibilities. No patients waiting for you with problems that would just break your heart if
you didn't remind yourself constantly to keep your professional distance.
Ed: What the hell are you talking about?
Jason: Nothing. You know, when the kids grow up I would love to try something like this.
Ed: You would?
Jason: uh hu.
Jason: I just hope I have the courage to do what you did.
Ed: Courage? Wow. Boy! Jason, I haven't been wrong about you all these years, have I?
Jason: You called me Jason.
Ed: That is your name isn't it?
Jason: In here honey.
Ed: Margaret Catherine. Come in here and see what your dear old dad had the courage to buy.
Maggie: You can do it.
Grandma: No I can't.
Maggie: Yes you can.
Grandma: No I can't.
Maggie: Jason, we have to go.
Ed: Jason, I want to show you something.
Grandma: This can wait Maggie.
Maggie: no it can't. Did he just call you Jason?
Ed: Jason, when I say the words 'meanderer deluxe', now what one feature comes to mind?
Jason: You didn't order the ..
Ed and Jason: custom cabin level control high box!
Ed: There it is right here. You never can tell when you’re going to have to park on a ten
Grandma: This is not a good time Maggie.
Ed: It can do a forty degree angle.
Maggie: Oh mum. It's the perfect time.
Jason: Ok Maggie. What is it? Maggie?
Maggie: So with that, I told her that she owed it to herself, as well as daddy, to tell him how
she really felt about all this and for once stand up for her rights.
Jason: Maggie, that was terrible advice.
Maggie: Aren't you always telling me how important it is to be truthful with each other about
Jason: Honey, that's for us. Your parents marriage has never been based on truth.
Maggie: That's a good thing?
Jason: It's kept them happily married for thirty seven years.
Grandma: Maggie is right. You are the most pig headed man I have ever met. And I am not
setting foot on this over blown tin can again.
Ed: That's just fine. Come midnight tonight, I'm pulling out of here, with or without you. And
you can put that in your pipe and smoke it Miss Gloria Steinbrenner.
Grandma: Maggie, Jason, which room is mine?
Grandma: If you put your faith in any man, you'll live to regret it. All men go whacko
eventually. You hear me?
Carol: Oh yeah.
Maggie: Carol, go back to your slumber party.
Carol: Grandma won't let us.
Jason: It's ok.
Maggie: Mum, go ahead and make yourself a pot of tea and Jason and I will make up a bed for
you in Carols room.
Grandma: Oh don't go to any trouble. I can sleep in the garage.
Maggie: You will not. Come on Jason, I want to talk to you.
Jason: I was afraid of that.
Ben: Grandma. Hi!
Ben: We have such a good time with you. Putting puzzles together, singing songs around the
Mike: Piano! Did I hear someone mention the piano?
Grandma: Well Bennie was just saying..
Mike: Say grandma, you don't happen to know any new tunes, so ya?
Grandma: Well as a matter of fact, I just bought the new Dire Straights song book.
Ben and Mike: Ohhh!
Mike: Hey, did Bennie mention that we just got our piano tuned?
Maggie: Jason, you've got to talk some sense into him.
Jason: Honey, this is their business let them work it out.
Maggie: Well they’re not going to work anything out. Mum will probably never speak to dad
Jason: How do you know that?
Maggie: Because if you ever did anything as stupid as expecting me to live in a little tin thing
like some hobo or something, I’d certainly never speak to you again.
Jason: It’s good to find out now.
(Grandma playing piano and singing)
Grandma: Now look at them yo yo's. That's the way you do it. You play the guitar on the MTV.
Dad aint working, that’s the way you do it, money for nothing and your chicks for free.
Mike: Everybody let’s boogie.
Jason: hey Mike, how many times..
Mike: Hey dad. We're just protecting the women folk here. You know especially since that
giant prowlers been in the neighborhood, stealing the night gowns of teenage women.
Ed: Oh. Look Jason, I was just starting to like you, so don't go saying something that’s going
to make me have no use for you again. Ok?
Jason: Well, this could be a short conversation.
Jason: Ed, I could use your help.
Ed: Car trouble?
Jason: no, you see. Right now I'm having a problem keeping Maggie happy.
Ed: Hear, I won't put up with any of that sex talk.
Jason: Nothing like that Ed. It's just well, she asked me to come out here and tell you that this
whole idea of you spending the rest of your life traveling is...stupid. The problem is that I
think it's fabulous. She also wanted me to tell you that you are treating Kate unfairly. Now I
don't know if I agree with that or not, but I do know its none of my business.
Ed: well you're right about that.
Jason: Well I have to go tell her that we talked about something.
Ed; Like what?
Jason: Well, like uh, what am I supposed to say to her when she says "how come my dad did
all this without consulting my mum'?
Ed: Why should I have to consult her?
Jason: Well Ed, some married couple actually do talk to each other.
Ed: If you are talking about that Phil Donahue and Marlon Perkins, aint ye?
Jason: No Ed. Could you at least tell me why you suddenly sold your home?
Ed: Why? I don't know why. Maybe I ran out of chores. We planted a rose garden, extended
the back porch, painted. I did those things the first six months I was on retirement. I don't
know why. Just recently t he leg broke off my old easy chair because I was spending so much
time sitting in it, watching that wheel of fortune. Which is not a half bad show, by the way.
Maybe it’s because last month we paid the house off. After twenty five years and not missing a
single payment. And to celebrate, we went home and fell asleep. I don't why. Let me ask you
something. How many years do you figure you've got left?
Jason: I haven't thought about it much.
Ed: I do. A lot.
Jason: I understand.
Ed: You do lad?
Ed: Oh, I wish my wife did.
Jason: Well have you tried telling her how you feel.
Ed: look, if she wanted to marry a communicator, she should have married Walter Cronkite.
She'll change her mind. Won't she?
Grandma: He'll change his mind. Won't he?
Maggie: Sure he will mum. He's a sensitive, giving human being.
Grandma: He's a jack arse.
Maggie: You're right.
Grandma: Maggie, he's your father.
Grandma: What will I do with myself?
Maggie: Oh mum, I'm sure everything will work out for the best.
Grandma: I know. I'll do what you did. Resume my career.
Maggie: Mum, you were a riveter during world war two.
Maggie: Oh honey, how did it go?
Jason: How did it go? Oh it went well. Actually I think it went very well. Very well indeed.
Maggie: Daddy! Daddy! This has gone far enough.
Ed: This is no business of yours Margaret Catherine. Do you have anything to say Kate?
Grandma: No. Do you have anything to say?
Ed: Not a word.
Grandma: Alright then.
Maggie: Hold it mum. Now if you're not going to speak for yourself, t hen I am going to speak
Jason: Maggie, you shouldn't speak for somebody else.
Maggie: well someone sure has to with the screwy way this man is behaving.
Jason: Your father hasn't done anything screwy.
Maggie: Come on Jason. Just the whole idea of spending the rest of their lives in this thing.
It's way out there.
Jason: Maggie, this happens to be a dream for some people. A lot of intelligent responsible
people, I might ad.
Maggie: Well, name one?
Jason: Me. I'd love to spend the rest of my days like this.
Maggie: What is it with you men? What do you have against houses?
Jason: Alright, your father might have been acting a little impulsively, but he was a desperate
man. He had nothing to look forward to except 'wheel of fortune'. Which is not a half bad
Maggie: Well then why didn't he tell mum that?
Jason: Because that is not his style.
Maggie: Well his style stinks.
Jason: His style was fine for thirty seven years.
Grandma: Thirty eight.
Maggie: Do you mind mum? We are having a discussion here.
Ed: Margaret Catherine, I will not have you talking to your mother that way.
Maggie: Well dad. At least I talk to her.
Ed: I can talk to your mother as well as anyone can. Kate, I'm sorry. I should have told you I
was selling the house.
Maggie: See. He said told instead of asked.
Grandma: Eddie, I didn't know you were so unhappy at home.
Ed: Well you know I don't complain much. Look, the house hasn't gone through escrow yet. I
can take this thing back to Smiling Jakes Rv and get our money back.
Grandma: Eddie, are you asking me what I want to do?
Ed: Well, kinda, yeah.
Grandma: Well, what would make you happy is what would make me happy.
What are we standing out here for? There’s a whole big world out there to see.
Ed: You're right about that Kate. Maggie, will you tell the kids we said goodbye? And it sure
was nice talking to you, oh uh oh.....
Maggie: Mum, what about your suitcase?
Grandma: Send it to me. In care of general delivery Philadelphia.
Ed: Kate, I was thinking we should go back to Niagara Falls. If it's ok?
Grandma: It’s better than ok. Maggie, never mind. I won't be needing my clothes.
Maggie: Oh Jason. Isn't it wonderful?
Maggie: All that boloney you were spouting, how you'd really like to live like that, did the trick.
Jason: Well, I am a professional.
Mike and Ben: (making monster noises)
Ben: Hi mum, hi dad. No worries, it’s just me.
Girl: This way mike. (Whispers) It worked. He’s following me.
Mike: Where are you?
Girl: Over here Mike. No Mike, I said over here.
Mike: Where are you? I can't see you guys.