Growing Pains 213
Carol: I had a great time tonight Bobby.
Bobby: Yeah. Me too. I could like anything if I went with you
Carol: Even the ballet?
Bobby: Sure. Why, you got tickets?
Bobby: I was gonna ask if you wanted ..
Carol: I would love to go.
Bobby: Go where/
Carol: Well, wherever you were going to suggest we should go.
Bobby: I was going to ask if you wanted to study together tomorrow night.
Carol: Oh sure.
Carol: Uh hu? Boy isn't this school year just flying by? I mean well, first it was summer and
then it was fall and pretty soon it will be time for the Dewey High Winter dance.
Bobby: Yeah, the winter dance. I I ..I got to go. Good night Carol.
Mike: Hey Bobby
Bobby: Hey Mark.
Carol: Nice timing Mike.
Mike: That was just my surly sister. Don't mind her.
Mike: well hello Andrea. I just want to thank you for driving me home today while my car was
in the shop.
Andrea: My pleasure.
Mike: well hold on man. Come on, you act like I owe you a kiss or two just because you paid
for the gas and the movie and the food.
Andrea: You don't want to kiss me?
Mike: Of course I want to kiss you. It's just that, well I got my reputation to think about. Ok,
I'm done thinking.
Friend 1: So, did bobby ask you to the dance last night?
Carol: well not exactly.
Friend 2: No?
Friend 2: I could die.
Friend 1: Did he even mention the winter formal?
Carol: uh no
Friend 1: No?
Carol: I brought up the winter dance.
Friend 2: You didn't?
Carol: I did.
Friend 2: I could die.
Friend 1: Carol, this is not a good thing.
Friend 2: Why?
Friend 1: Men don't like women who usurp their masculinity
Carol: I didn't ucirc ok?
Friend 1: Carol, where have you been? Men like women who let them be in charge, even if
that means you have to act dumb.
Friend 2: Which I'm fully prepared to do.
Carol: Look! I didn't ask Bobby to the winter formal. I just, sort of hinted.
Friend 1: Carol, football players do not take their tutors to the prom. They take blonde girls in
pleated skirts who can turn their bodies into letters of the alphabet.
Bobby: Alright Chris.
Carol: Don't turn around. Ok?
Friends: (Squealing) He's coming this way.
Carol: Thanks Shelly.
Friend 1: Run away.
Carol: Now don't be ridiculous. If you run away from here, he'll know that we're talking about
him. So just walk away, very cool, and very very calmly. Ok.
Bobby: About studying together tomorrow night.
Carol: Ah is five too early?
Bobby: No. I can't make it.
Carol: You can't?
Bobby: No, no. Something came up. But I’d like to call you and talk to you about it. I mean,
well, if you're going to be at home.
Carol: I might be.
Pick up that phone and you'll never use that hand again.
Ben: Oh big talk!
Mike: Hey Samantha. Thanks for the ride home today.
Samantha: My pleasure.
Mike: Oh and uh, thanks for waiting that extra hour til I got out of detention.
Samantha: Oh here are your books.
M: Oh, I love this time of year. Right before the winter formal. Girls get so desperate.
Carol: You're a pig.
Mike: Thank you.
Carol: Ben, if you can't make the phone ring, leave.
Ben: (scream) It's a miracle. I'm a total master with the power. Mike the phone is ringing!
Mike: so answer it.
Carol: No no no. Pick up the phone and very calmly say hello and call to me like I’m not in
the room. Ok?
Ben: Ok. Hello, just a minute. Carol!
Ben: it's for mike.
Ben: It's Eddie.
Carol: Well hang it up.
Mike: Look Carol. Carol come on. You can't just hang up every phone call that's not for you.
Ben: I did it again.
Mike: Hello. No I’m sorry. Ben's dead.
Ben: Hey! What are you doing?
Mike: Calling Eddie back.
Ben: That's the last call. I'm bushed.
Mike: Hello. Hey! I'm using the phone. Ow! Ow! Hey that hurt.
Carol: Hello? Oh hi Bobby. Lucky you caught me. I was just heading out the door.
Maggie: Hi honey.
Maggie and Jason: So. What's for dinner?
Maggie and Jason: Oh!
Mike: You know you guys should know that your daughter just brutalized me.
Maggie: that's my girl.
Jason: Mike, someone named Andrea called. She said winter is in the air. Also Samantha
called to quote; "formalize what she should bring you for lunch tomorrow". And Sheena called
to say "hey".
Mike: What, what. Only three messages?
Maggie: Michael I think it's very unfair of you to lead these girls on.
Mike: Lead them on? Mum, look! Fact, the enrollment at Dewy High is three to one female.
Fact, the dance of the year is coming up. And fact, even Boner has women calling him.
Jason: Good Lord!
Carol: Out of my way armpit.
Mike: See. See? Did I do anything to provoke that vicious attack?
Jason: Carol, that wasn't very nice. What did Mike do?
Carol: Nothing is right. He's just slime like every other male that ever walked the face of the
Jason: Maybe you better handle this honey.
Maggie: Carol. You don't mean all men.
Carol: Yes I do.
Maggie: Well, it's very insulting to your father.
Carol: I don't think of dad as a man.
Jason: Is it the shirt?
Carol: You know what I mean. I'm talking about hot good looking guys.
Jason: I sense a trend here.
Mike: Oh, I get it. Bobby invited somebody else to this Winter Flame thing, huh?
Carol: Typical of men who use women and then discard them like so much garbage.
Mike: Ah, that really hurts, Carol. It hurts that you see me as a guy that treats girls very
carnally. And if you'll excuse me, I have to go return some phone calls and brighten the day of
some very lucky young ladies.
Maggie: So do you want to explain men to carol, or women to mike.
Jason: I'd like someone to explain women to me. Just kidding. Just one of those charming
whimsical remarks. Oh Mike!
Maggie: Oh carol, I’m so sorry that Bobby asked someone else.
Carol: I don't know that he asked someone else. I don't know what his plans are.
Maggie: Well, honey. You know that bobby's always been a little shy.
Carol: Oh yeah, he wasn't so shy the other night, when...never mind.
Maggie: What other night?
Carol: That's not the point. The point is that the dance is only a week and a half away and he
hasn't asked me yet.
Maggie: Well maybe you should ask him.
Carol: The only kind of women who ask men to dances are the kind who don't shave their
Maggie: Carol, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out on a date. It
is extremely easy to do.
Carol: Oh sure.
Maggie: It's sure. Watch. Oh Jason?
Maggie: Would you like to go to the movies on Friday night?
Jason: What do you want to see?
Maggie: oh, nothing. We're not really going. We already have plans on Friday.
Jason: Oh! Where was I?
Mike: Um, you were telling me that I was wrong to think that women don't make sense.
Friend 1: I was just saying that it's a major mistake to follow your mothers’ advice.
Friend 2: Yeah. If I followed my mothers’ advice, I'd be a Quaker.
Carol: Hi Bobby.
Carol: Listen, we've been going out for what, two months?
Carol: Right. And in that time we've gotten to be really good friends.
Carol: So really comfortable around each other so we don't need to put up any kind of act.
Carol: Great. So, if I were going to ask you to take me to the winter formal, you'd say...
Carol: Great! Oh!
Bobby: I can't.
Carol: Well that's great. I'm glad we got that cleared up. Oh gee look at the time. I got to go.
Bobby: Carol, I, it's my football.
Jason: For that zesty combination of herbs and spices, always remember to shake vigorously
before opening. Ok.
Maggie: What are you doing?
Jason: I'm cooking. What does it look like?
Maggie: Hey Mike.
Mike: Hey mum. Yo dad. This winter formal thing is going to be the death of me.
Jason: Uh hum.
Mike: Ok, right if you had to choose between a blonde, a redhead and a brunette beauty, who
would you pick?
Jason: Well Mike, there’s much more to a woman than the colour of her hair. There's also the
size of her intellect.
Hi Carol, how was your day?
Carol: Everything's fine. Not really. I don't know what's the matter with me lately, I mean new
clothes, make up, contact lenses. Thinking someone would want to take me to a dance. Please!
I mean it's just not me. I mean what am I trying to change? I was a fine just working hard
and studying. I was just fine without trying to be silly and popular. I mean who needs all these
risks? Well not me.
Mike: I guess this means she didn't have a good day.
Carol: Mum, I want to donate all my make up to the poor.
Maggie: Carol, what happened?
Carol: Nothing. Nothings wrong. I just asked Bobby to the prom and he turned me down.
Maggie and Jason: Oh, honey!
Jason: Ok, that's a shame.
Mike: With the decision I've got to make, I don't need to see this.
I'm way ahead of you.
Maggie: Oh honey, what did Bobby say?
Carol: No. How many times do I have to repeat it?
Jason: Well honey, maybe you just asked him too late.
Maggie: There has to be some reason.
Carol: I'm me. I mean he just doesn't want to take me.
Jason: Well then he's out of his mind. And that's a professional opinion.
Carol: Yes you're right, I mean, after all I've learned from my pain. I mean, who needs a
social life when you've got an IQ of a hundred and forty four. Right?
Maggie: I want just five minutes with that football player without his protective equipment.
Jason: Maggie, don't you get irrational too.
Maggie: Well Jason, it would be a nice gesture for you to get a little irrational.
Jason: Ok, if you want to vent, go ahead and vent. Vent. One of us has to remain calm. One of
us has to do thinking and observing and..
Maggie: What are you babbling about?
Jason: I'm going to call that little slime bag sucker, right now.
(The Night of the Dance)
Maggie: Carol honey, we want to leave in about five minutes. Are you almost ready?
Carol: No, I am not. I do not want to go to some stupid play to take my mind off the fact that
there is some stupid dance tonight that I don't even care about.
Jason: Six minutes will be fine.
Maggie: If you're looking for enthusiasm, it might help to tell her where we are going.
Jason: well I don't think that we can expect much enthusiasm out of Carol tonight.
Maggie: I was talking about me. Ben, why are you eating? I told you we were going out to
Ben: No we're not. Where we're going they don't have dinner.
Maggie: you tell out ten year old son where we're going but you won't tell me.
Ben: Don't take it personally mum. No woman can keep a secret.
Jason: Ha! Where would he get such a ridiculous idea?
Ben: Not from you dad.
Maggie: Oh wow mike. You look fabulous.
Mike: What, this old thing?
Maggie: Let me get my camera.
Jason: So, who's the lucky date?
Mike: Well it was a tough decision dad. I mean I have given this a lot of thought, and I mean a
lot. And who's kidding who dad, I’ve lost a lot of sleep over this. There was only one decision
that seemed to make any sense.
Mike: Excuse me.
Three girls: Hello Mike.
Samantha: Hello, how do you do?
Mike: Mum dad. This is the stunning Samantha. Lovely Andrea, and the legendary Sheena
Maggie: well you look lovely. The whole crowd of you. Cheese.
Mike: Ok mum, dad. We'll see you guys a little bit later. Oh and, there's no need to wait up.
Who wants to drive?
Samantha: I get to sit in the back with Mike.
Sheen: Who says?
Maggie: Well, say something.
Jason: That's my boy.
Oh look at Carol. Doesn't she look beautiful?
Maggie: Oh honey, you are perfectly dressed for a wonderful evening of..Something or other.
Carol: I hate this whole entire gross disgusting idea.
Jason: Tonight you re going to have more fun than I think you've had since you were six years
old. Come on.
Carol: I’m going to puke.
Ben: Wow, this is going to be a fun night.
Ben: Oh god! Please make it stop.
Maggie: It's ok Ben. Get up.
Carol: My my. Here it is. The Empire State Building. Spectacular. Oh souvenirs, what a view.
Can we go now?
Maggie: Jason, it is very late.
Jason: Tish tosh, the night is young.
Maggie: Tish tosh? When are we getting to the surprise destination?
Jason: This is it.
Maggie: You're kidding?
Ben: No he isn't. Surprise.
Jason: Don't you remember when you were six years old we came over here and you looked
through that very telescope and you said 'Daddy there must be magic up here. Even New
Jersey looks pretty'.
Carol: Dad, I’m not six anymore.
Jason: I know, but I thought maybe you could use a bit of magic tonight and maybe your old
dad could help out. Ok, who wants a King Kong souvenir?
Ben: Me me me!
Jason: How did I know that?
Maggie: Well, it really is beautiful up here. Look at all those little cars. They look like
Carol: Ants. I know mum. Please.
Maggie: Carol, your father meant well.
Carol: I know he did. But thinking that the magic of the Empire State Building would make me
forget that I was totally humiliated, just makes dad seem kind of..
Maggie: Lame. No.
Carol: Yes, I heard you.
Maggie: No no no honey. Even if I thought that I would never ever ever call your father
Maggie: Don't say it again.
Carol: Ok, but it is lame.
Maggie: Well, yes. But we never had this conversation.
Carol: What conversation?
Maggie: Why is your father talking to that janitor?
Carol: Oh that’s just Bobby Winette.
Carol: Bobby Winette?
Maggie: Oh lord, forgive me for what I said about Jason and don't ever let him know.
Carol: Mum, he's bringing him over here.
Jason: Well what a coink ee dink. Look who I found.
Bobby: Oh hi.
Bobby: Your old man, your father promised me he wouldn't tell nobody I was working here.
Jason: I didn't tell a soul.
Maggie: He told you that?
Bobby: When he called me.
Maggie: You called him?
Bobby: Yeah, yelling.
Carol: This job is why you couldn't take me to the dance?
Bobby: Why else wouldn’t I take you?
Carol: Well I don't know. I thought maybe..
Ben: If this is going to get mushy, I'm going to jump.
Carol: Bye Ben.
Bobby: Oh Doctor Seaver, if it's ok, can I drive Carol home? I mean I get off work at eleven o
Jason: Oh gee Bobby, I don't know..
Maggie: Don't be too late sweet heart.
Carol: We won't.
Maggie: Night Bobby.
Carol: Thanks dad.
Maggie: Oh honey. I'm sorry I ever thought your whole idea was..
Maggie: Oh I never thought that.
Carol: Well why didn't you just tell me you had to work?
Bobby: I didn't want anybody to know, that Bobby Winette, captain of the football team, had a
job doing this. Especially you.
Carol: Well I don't mind.
Bobby: It's disgusting.
Carol: Don't worry. I'm used to disgusting. Remember I have two brothers.
Bobby: Carol, I really wanted to take you to that dance.
Carol: I really wanted to go with you.
Bobby: Wait here! I know this isn't going to be too clear. Can I have this dance?
Carol: Sure. Wait. Ok, I’m ready now.
Girl: I had a lousy time.
Mike: Well I had a lousy time too. Who needs you? Any of you.
Girls voice: You are a total pig.
Mike: Was the worst night of my life. Women.
Bobby: He said it.