Growing Pains 212 Higher education
Mike: Alright! Say it one more time. We got one ski trip, seventy two hours, twenty three
women, thirty guys, and one near sighted chaperone. Gentlemen, the possibilities rae endless.
E Yeah, I'm only talking one ski.
Boner: There's no way my folks are going to let me go.
Mike: Boner. You just gotta learn how to handle old people.
Boner: Mike, you haven't even talked to your parents yet.
Mike: Come on Boner. Do you actually think that my parents could say no to me?
Boner: I know, you could talk to my mum and dad for me.
Mike: No. Eddie, go get a couple of chairs, alright. Now Bone. Look. I'll show you. I'll be your
dad, and Eddie, you be Boners mum.
Eddie: Yes dear.
Mike: Ok, it's evening at the Stabone residence and you and you charming parents are sitting
down for a lovely dinner.
Boner: My dad usually sits here.
Eddie: pass the potatoes um, uh, what’s your dads name Boner?
Mike: Wait a minute. Your dads name is Sylvester Stabone?
Boner: Who knew?
Mike: Yeah. Ok. So Richard, what is it you wanted to talk to us about?
Boner: Well, there is this ski trip.
Mike: Ski trip. Ha. Now why would you want to go on a ski trip? You don't even know how to
Boner: See guys. I told you. He aint going to even let me go.
Mike: Boner, it's just for pretend. Come on.
Mike: Now give me one good reason why we should let you go.
Eddie: I will not have talk like this at my table. Go to your room Richard.
Mike: Come on. Look Bone. You never say women in front of your parents. You say stuff like
class spirit. You say growth experience. But you never ever say women.
Boner: Ok, class spirit.
Eddie: Growth experience.
Carol: Don't leave your book there. Take them to you room.
No snacking. You'll spoil your dinner.
Ben: Mum and dad are sick and carols mad with power.
Carol: Is it clean yet?
Ben: I'm working, I’m working.
Mike: Hey wait a minute. Mum and dad are sick? Oh this is perfect. Now I can ask them about
the ski trip while they are weak.
(Goes up to parents room)
Mike: Carol just told me the awful news and well I just thought I'm come in to offer my
Maggie: We're sick Mike, not dead.
Mike: Ok then. That settles it.
Maggie: Settles what?
Mike: Oh see, there was this class ski trip this weekend and I thought I’d try to get out of it so
I could spend some time palling around with you guys. But obviously you are in no shape for
that. So I got to go.
Jason: Forget it Mike.
Jason: You're not going anywhere while you are still flunking English.
Mike: Oh great timing dad. I mean, we had an English test today. I mean couldn't you have
told me this before I took it. I mean if I’d known you would take this kind of an attitude, I just
may have studied for it.
Jason: Ah, I feel worse than mikes grades.
Maggie: Me too.
Jason: I got to try again to call a doctor.
Maggie: You are a doctor.
Jason: Oh, I guess that's why I keep getting a busy signal.
Eddie: Oh Seaver. Wait up. Oh Mikey Mikey Mikey. You're not going to believe this. This has
got to be the best news since Lucy came back to TV.
Eddie: Boner! His folks are letting him go on the ski trip.
Boner: Thanks a lot Mikey. How come you aint sharing in my joy?
Mike: Cos I’m not going.
Boner and Eddie: What?
Mike: Yeah, my dad says I have to be passing English. He tells me this after yesterday's test.
Eddie: Well are you sure you flunked?
Mike: Eddie come on. This is me we're talking about. Wake up and smell yourself.
Eddie: Well Mikey. As long as there's a grade curve, there's always a hope.
Mike: Hey, yeah you know, especially with Boner in the curve.
Boner: I do what I can.
Eddie: Why don't you go ask the teachers aid on this one. Hu?
Mike: Hey, thanks a lot guys.
Robin: Hi mike.
Mike: Ah, Bobby right?
Mike: Robin, yeah. So Robin have you finished grading those tests from yesterday yet?
Robin: Yeah. Your definition of a dangling participle was...
Mike: Well, how did I do overall?
Robin: Mike, I can't tell you.
Mike: Oh why?
Robin: It's the rules.
Mike: Come on Robin. I, I got to know. Whatever you want. I'll trade my body for the
Robin: is that an offer?
Mike: Ah, look Robin. I really need to know this grade. If I don't pass, I don't go on the ski
Robin: Oh, you're going?
Mike: Yeah, if I get a C. So come on. Tell me what I got.
Robin: What you got rhymes with C.
Mike: Ah, the school’s giving out G's now?
Robin: D plus.
Mike: D plus. Is that with the curve?
Robin: It's with an incredible curve.
Maggie: You would not believe what the rest of the house looks like.
Jason: I'm going to kill those kids. We asked them for one favor, will the help with the house
while we're sick. But do they do it? No.
Maggie: Jason, the house is perfect.
Maggie: It's like a hospital out there. There is no dust. All the laundry’s been done. The table
is set for dinner. Bens little clothes have been ironed for tomorrow. I haven't seen the house
this organized since I went back to......work.
Jason: Oh good. That's very good. You tell a dying man he's a bad house wife.
Maggie: Oh, honey. Don't get upset. Carol just went a little over board trying to do a great job,
and I just...I've hurt your feelings haven't I?
Jason: No no no no, just it's really no big deal. If Carol does a better job than I do, then we
should be grateful cos she's a big help. Right?
Jason: And just to be clear, we are saying she does do a better job?
Maggie: Oh Jason.
Jason: No that's what we're saying, that’s what I hear when you say..
Jason: That's what I'm hearing.
Maggie: I really didn't mean that.
Teacher 2: As Robin passes out your tests from yesterday, I must say I was so shocked. No
one got below a C. I'm seeking professional help.
Mike: An A. I got an A? Robin I'm a . An A?
Robin: I rechecked your paper.
Mike: Ah yeah, but Miss Charter's going to find out. I mean she'll know.
Robin: She never even sees the papers. You're safe with me. You look kind of cute with your
mouth hanging open like that.
Mike: Yes! This means I can go on the ski trip. Look Robin, I really owe you in a major way.
Robin: Well you're welcome in a major way.
Mike: Look, if there is anything that I can do for you Robin, you got it. Ok?
Robin: Mike. The ski trip.
Mike: Yeah, what about it?
Robin: I'd love to be your date on the ski trip.
Mike: What ski trip?
Robin: THE ski trip.
Mike: Ah ha ha. No Robin, Robin. See, none of us guys are taking dates on the ski trip
because there are going to be so many coyotes up there. Yeah, those those hills are just
crawling with coyotes (howls)
Robin: Mike, the only reason that you are able to go is that I changed your grade.
Mike: Yeah and I am very thank full for that.
Robin: Are you?
Robin: You're even cuter with that dumb look on your face.
Boner: So a girl is forcing you to spend the weekend with her?
Boner: And this is a bad thing?
Eddie: Ok Mikey, look at it this way. Let’s say you was a teachers aid and you were helping out
a cute chick with a phony grade. What would you expect in return? You see?
Mike: No no. Totally different situation.
Mike: Ok, if I treat a girl how she's been treating me, it would be obvious that, well, that the
girl would feel as rotten as I do. It's no different. Oh no. I'm maturing.
Eddie and Boner: No!
Eddie: Right, the facts here are; if you don't take Robin with you on the ski trip, she's going to
change your grade back, and you can't go.
Mike: Now what do I do?
Boner: I wish I had problems like this.
Eddie: You know I have never had a second date with a chick in my life. Girls never like me
once they get to know me.
Boner: If no girls know me, I'd probably get to be the most popular dude in school.
Mike: Hey carol, I need to ask you something.
Carol: Take your shoes off.
Carol: I just waxed the floor.
Mike: Ok Carol look. I need some advice ok?
Carol: From mo?
Mike: Ok. Nice job. Ok now Carol. Let’s say you were really desperate and you trapped this
guy into going out with you.
Carol: Lets not.
Mike: No no. Lets say you trapped him, because you liked him. Now what could he do to make
you not like him?
Carol: You're serious?
Carol: Ok. Well first, any guy who could be trapped into a date, is a weak kneed winky. Now I
am talking major winky.
Mike: Forget it. Forget it.
Ben: Ok, I cleaned my room and ahhhhhhhh! (Falls on the floor)
Mike: Very nice job.
Jason: Place doesn't look so great.
Mike: Hey dad.
Jason: Look! Dust! She calls this clean. Ah.
Mike: Dad I think it's the fever talking.
Jason: Oh yeah. It's me it's me. Everything else is just fine. Wait a minute; I know something
that's not fine. What happened on your English test? Hu?
Mike: Alright, I got an A.
Jason: Let me see that test. A! Wow!
Mike: Yeah, I didn't even cheat on it.
Jason: "Punctuation, the colon is where food digests when you eat it."
Mike: Ah, it was graded on a curve.
Jason: Yeah, apparently.
Jason: Well, I guess that means you're going to be able to go on that ski trip after all.
Mike: Yeah, I guess so.
Jason: You don't sound too thrilled about it.
Mike: Dad, can I ask your advice about something?
Mike: Well, you're my dad. You like that kind of stuff.
Jason: Oh yeah.
Mike: Now, if somebody does you a favor, out of the blue, and it’s a really great favor but you
Didn’t ask them to, and now they want you to pay them back, what do you do?
Jason: Well, for starters you should refuse the favor.
Mike: Are you kidding?
Jason: Well then you've got to pay them back.
Mike: That was not the answer I was hoping for.
Jason: Does this have anything to do with the ski trip you're going on?
Maggie: You're going? Mike you passed?
Jason: Passed? He got an A.
Maggie: An A! Wow! Mike. Let me see that test. "A coma is a deep sleep you fall into after you
get hit on the head."
Jason: It's graded on the curve.
Maggie: Oh. Well Mike, I think it's wonderful.
Jason: Yep yep yep. It's wonderful. Everything's wonderful. Everything's running very
smoothly around here lately.
Carol: Now what are you two doing up? Now come on. Back up stairs. I'll bring you dinner up
in a little while.
Jason: What are we having?
Carol: Coq o vin.
Jason: I made that once.
Carol: Yeah, but don't worry. I found a new recipe.
Jason: Well I’m going to go see if any of my patients have called. With my luck, they're
probably all cured.
Maggie: Your dad is still in shock. Mike got an A on a test.
Carol: An A. let me see that test.
Maggie: Not now. Carol honey, listen. You are doing a terrific job at taking care of things while
we are sick.
Carol: Well thanks.
Maggie: I have just one request.
Maggie: Stop it!
Maggie: You see your father is feeling like you are doing a better job of running the house that
Carol: I am.
Maggie: I know.
Carol: All I wanted to do was help.
Maggie: And that’s what your dad wanted too. But see, by giving him what he wanted, you've
Carol: By giving him what he wanted I’ve upset him!
Maggie: Sure honey. You'll find out that most people hate it when they get what they want.
Mike: Wait wait wait a minute. Is this true?
Maggie: Sure. There is even a Chinese curse which says, may you get what you wish for.
Mike: Ah this is perfect. Now mum, next time I have a problem, I'm coming to you first.
Jason: Oh, I'm going back to bed.
Mike: Mum, I've got to go make a phone call.
(Slips on floor)
Maggie: Oh you waxed the floor.
Mike: Hello Boner? Oh Mr. Stabone. It's Mike. Yo to you too sir. Ah, is Richard there? Hello
Boner. I need some help. Well I'm going to ask Robin out tonight. Now I need you to tell em
step by step exactly what you do on a first date so I can completely gross this girl out. No
Robin: Mike, what are you doing?
Mike: Who needs the distraction of a movie?
Robin: Not me. Ow!
Mike: Oh, I'm sorry.
Robin: That's ok.
Mike: Look Robin, let’s not kid each other. Alright? Now you have needs and I have needs.
Now why should we both be needy on a night like this?
Mike: Girl, you'll be a woman soon. Here, now, tonight.
Robin: Oh Mike! Yes.
Mike: Ah, look wouldn't a nice big tub of something be good right now?
Mike: Yeah, great idea.
Boner: Where did he go?
Eddie: I can't tell. My binocs are all fogged up.
Mike: Guys, what are you doing here?
Eddie: Catching a movie. Which is more than I can say for you.
Mike: Guys. I don't know what I’m going to do. Now I’ve tried every sleazy movie you gave
me on the phone and they're working.
Boner: Don't give me that. Those lines never work.
Eddie: Have you tried "girl, you'll be a woman soon. Here, now, tonight."?
Mike: Yeah, I tried it and she loved it.
Eddie: I got my face slapped for that.
Mike: I got my face kissed for it.
Eddie: Wait, how did you say it?
Mike: Girl, you'll be a woman soon. Here, now, tonight.
Eddie: That's how I say it.
Boner: Well Eddie. Maybe you should consider the possibility that you're scum.
Mike: Guys. Guys! Stop. Ok. Come on. Now I need a line that is guaranteed to offend.
Eddie: Boner, give him your best line.
Boner: You look her in the eye and you say, you got needs, I got needs, why should we both
be needy on a night like this.
Eddie: I already gave him that line.
Mike: Yeah and it worked.
Boner: It never worked for me.
Mike: You guys are no help at all.
Eddie: I'm scum.
Robin: I thought you were going to get popcorn?
Mike: It wasn't real butter.
Robin: Well I hat that too.
Mike: Look Robin. Do you have any idea why I brought you here tonight?
Robin: I've a pretty good idea.
Mike: No you don't.
Robin: Yes I do.
Mike: No you don't.
Robin: Yes I do.
Mike: Look. Robin, I brought you here tonight so that I could totally gross you out so that you
didn't like me anymore.
Robin: You did?
Mike: Yeah. Well, what does a guy have to do around here to offend you, anyway?
Robin: You just did it.
Mike: Alright. Finally.
Robin: After I put my TA status on the line for you and this is how you treat me?
Mike: Well only after you put my ski trip on the line.
Robin: I was just flirting.
Mike: Robin, that was blackmailing, not flirting. Flirting I know about.
Robin: You sure do. Like this morning when you offered me your body.
Mike: Robin, I offer every girl my body, alright. Just nobody ever took me up on it.
Robin: What’s wrong with treating you the way that guys have been treating girls since the
beginning of time?
Mike: The beginning of time. Robin, I've only been dating for a year.
Robin: Well don't worry. You can go on your precious ski trip and you won't be stuck with me.
Mike: Come on Robin. Don't cry. What do you mean stuck? I just didn't want to be forced into
doing something. Look, just ‘cause guys are crummy to girls doesn't mean that you have to be
crummy to me. You know, I think it is the guys who ought to change. Not the girls. I know,
pretty frightening concept isn't it?
Eddie: Wow, look at that. She's crying.
Boner: Must have been one of my lines.
Mike: Ah Robin. I just wish that none of this had ever ever happened.
Robin: You're right.
Mike: Well thank you.
Robin: I shouldn't have black mailed you.
Robin: I was so wrong.
Robin: I should have never changed your grade.
Mike: Yeah. Uh no.
Robin: And tomorrow I'm going to make it right.
Mike: Ah tomorrow.
Robin: Tomorrow I'm going to change your grade back to a D plus.
Mike: I, you don't have to..
Robin: And thank you Mike. Thanks for helping me see how wrong I was.
TV: Time for the news. It's eleven o clock. Do you know where your children are?
Ben: I don't have any children.
Carol: Ah. You're still up two hours after your bedtime and you've trashed the entire living
Ben: I'll clean it up.
Carol: No, no, stay right where you are. Get comfortable. Perfect. Night Ben. Night dad.
Jason: Night Carol. Ben, you're up two hours past your bed time.
Ben: Well she ..
Jason: And what is this mess here?
Ben: I was set up.
Jason: Ben you take these dishes out to the kitchen and you get straight up to bed right now.
Ben: I'm going, I’m going.
Jason: Look at this. Peanut butter all over the place. Mike are you responsible for any of this
Jason: Where have you been?
Mike: Out following mums advice. And just between you and me dad, it was the worst advice I
have ever got. Oh and dad. The grade on my English test, after tomorrow it won't be an A. I
will be a D plus.
Mike: My teacher is throwing out the grade curve.
Jason: Well Mike, I am very..
Mike: Disappointed in me. Yeah, I know, me too. Well how do you think I feel? I'm missing out
on the ski trip and all that gorgeous...class spirit. I mean dad, all I know is that nothing has
been right since you've been sick.
Jason: Suddenly I'm feeling much better.