Growing Pains 210
(Jason and Maggie are watching a sad film at night. Someone climbs up a ladder outside the
Maggie: Did you hear that?
Jason: What that kind of scraping sound?
Jason: Was it up on the roof?
Jason: No, I didn't. I didn't hear that one either.
Jason: Ok, I'll handle it, wait...
Maggie: Ooh gosh!
Jason: Are you gonna let me handle this myself?
(Mike crawls through the window)
(Maggie and Jason jump out of a room shouting and Mike screams)
Mike: Errm, I was on my way home, and I figured I had plenty of time to get home before
midnight because as you know, I wouldn't miss my curfew. So there I was feeling pretty
obedient, when what do you think I saw?
Jason: A spaceship?!
Mike: Come on Dad, don't be ridiculous! I saw...fire. Yeah, I saw a towering fire.
Maggie: Oh my!
Mike: So then I said to myself, "Mike, you got two choices. Either you can turn your head the
other way and make your curfew, or you can be a measly two hours and ten minutes late, and
save a few lives.
Jason: What a kid.
Mike: So with no concern for my personal safety, or the time...
Jason: It's eleven thirty.
Mike: I know. So with no concern for...what?
Maggie: It's eleven thirty right now Mike. A whole half hour before your curfew.
Jason: You might say that.
Mike: No no no no. Boner must have got the time wrong. Ha! I guess the jokes on all of us. I'll
be back before twelve.
Maggie: Oh no
Mike: Ok ok, so there was no towering inferno.
Maggie and Jason: No??
Maggie: So you admit that you lied to us?
Mike: "lie" is such an ugly word.
Jason: Hello Maggie!! Suitcases are in the car. We can go just as soon as your parents get
here. Oh come on honey, cheer up! In two hours you'll be cavorting in Atlantic City with a
group of five thousand conventioning psychiatrists. Come on, if you're ever gonna have a
breakdown, this is the weekend to do it.
Maggie: Jason, it's not that Mike lies, it's that he does it so often.
Jason: Well, at least he doesn't do it well.
Maggie: I'm serious.
Jason: Oh come on Maggie, he's sixteen. I'm sure when you were sixteen, you must have lied
to your folks once in a while.
Maggie: I did not! I was never like Mike, never!
Ben: Is Grandpa here yet?
Jason: He'll be here any minute.
Ben: I'm gonna ambush Grandpa when he comes.
Jason: Well eat your breakfast first.
Maggie: Let's ground him!
Ben: I'll eat, I'll eat.
Jason: We're talking about Mike.
Ben: Ground him.
Jason: But we can't, we're gonna be away at a psychiatric conference this weekend.
Maggie: But my parents will be here, and my Dad's been retired from the police force for over
three years now. I mean it would be really sweet to let him lock somebody up again.
Mike: Good morning Mother! Morning Dad! Morning little Ben! I guess you're all wondering
why I'm standing here wearing this wrinkled, tattered shirt.
Mike: Well...just let me explain. Ok now, I was up all last night with worry; thinking
about...what I did and why it was so wrong. And what I can do to make it up to you, the two
most important people in my life.
Maggie: Well we've been doing some thinking too Mike.
Mike: Oh! Well j...just let me run my thoughts by you.
Maggie: Mike, I really...
Jason: Wait wait Maggie, this might be good.
Maggie: Ben, maybe you better take your breakfast and get ready to go jump Grandpa.
Ben: I wanna watch Mike suffer!
Jason: Ben, your mother told you to please go ambush your grandfather.
Mike: Ok! Alright now one, I was actually on time. And two, I admitted openly and honestly
that I lied. And three...
Maggie: And three, you are grounded to this house for the remainder of the weekend, in bed
by eight, and no TV.
Jason: Well look at it this way Mike, you won two out of three points.
Carol: Mom, is it ok if I stay over at Wanda's while Grandma and Grandpa are here?
Maggie: Carol, is it really going to hurt you to spend one whole weekend here with your
Carol: Well not physically, but...
Maggie: The answer is no.
Mike: Mom, you can't ground me this weekend.
Maggie: Oh yes I can. You have to learn that lying is wrong.
Mike: Mom! I have got major plans this weekend.
Maggie: Wanna bet?
Maggie: Hello. Oh Susan, what's up? Oh, I thought Christopher was gonna cover that story
this weekend. Today? Well I can't do it. I know you can make it an order, but see I'm going to
Atlantic City with...it's not a flimsy excuse. Erm...See I'm going to my Aunt Marjie's wedding,
I'm...I'm in the wedding. I'm sorry too Susan. Any other weekend I'd be available. Right you
too. Bye bye.
Mike: "Lie: A deception, a fabrication, an untruth, a falsehood."
Jason: Well, I admit we do have something of a dilemma honey, but it's not a problem that
can't be solved. In fact the solution is really very simple, you're grounded too.
Maggie: Very funny!
Maggie: But seriously honey we...you are serious!
Maggie: Oh Jason that's absurd.
Jason: You're right.
Maggie: I don't see how it would help anything. I don't believe we are even discussing it.
Jason: You are right.
Maggie: I hate it when you say "you're right" when you really mean "you're wrong".
Jason: Forget I even mentioned you being grounded. Forget that it would teach Mike that lying
is wrong for everyone. Forget that...
Maggie: Jason! I hate this, more than I hate the other thing.
Jason: You're right.
Maggie: You're doing it again.
Jason: I'm sorry. I will go and tell Mike that it's alright to lie, as long as you don't base it on
an Irwin Allen disaster movie.
Maggie: I don't want to be grounded.
Jason: Honey, it's only two days of workshops on schizophrenia, paranoia, phobias, fetishism.
Maggie: Sounds fun.
Jason: Well just imagine the look on Mike's face when we tell him that his sure fire escape
from punishment doesn't work.
Mike: You should have seen that look on Mom's face when I caught her in that lie. I love that
look! It's that look of defeat.
Jason: Right Mike, your Mom and I have been discussing the situation...
Mike: I'll bet.
Jason: And we both agree that it's not fair for you to be grounded while she spends the
weekend in Atlantic City.
Mike: Hey, I'm glad to see you guys came around!
Jason: So, your mother's been grounded too.
Carol: Excuse me?
Mike: You're kidding, right?
Maggie: No Mike. I'm grounding myself for lying to my boss.
Mike: Wow wow wow wait a minute. You're grounding yourself?
Maggie: That's right. I saw the chance to nail myself to the wall and I took it.
Grandpa: Did you realize this front door's standing wide open?
Ben: Stick 'em up, copper!!
Grandpa: Alright, shoot if you want to. But I'm giving you a hug.
Grandma: Good to see you. Hi sweetheart, how are you? Oh Mikey!! Ohh!!
Jason: And it's good to see you...
Grandpa: Carol, haven't you got a "hello" for your old grandpa?
Grandma: Oh Jason, it's so good....Maggie, I'm so sorry we're late, Ed had to pick up a little
surprise for you.
Maggie: Oh Daddy, What?
Grandpa: I...now not so fast. How do little girls ask for something from their pop? (singing)
Maggie: Pretty pretty please with cherry on top! (singing)
Carol: I'm gonna gag.
Grandpa: Sinatra tickets!
Grandpa: Well I knew you had to be dreading that shrink convention, so when I found out that
Sinatra was gonna be playing in Atlantic City, well I just pulled a few strings.
Grandma: We know how much you love "old blue eyes".
Maggie: Oh Jason, Sinatra!!
Jason: Yeah, and I've been knocking myself out trying to get these.
Grandpa: Yeah, I'm sure you did.
Maggie: Oh Daddy thank you so much.
Mike: Ah excuse me Mother but aren't you grounded?
Grandpa: What was that Mikey?
Mike: Well Mom was just saying before you got here, how she was grounding herself for this
Maggie: That's right, I did.
Grandpa: Sounds like another one of your screwball shrink deals.
Jason: It's good to see you too Ed.
Maggie: Dad, we're grounding Mike for lying to us, and just this morning he caught me lying
to my boss. So, I've grounded myself.
Grandma: You lied in front of the children?
Mike: Yes she has. And look what it's done to little Ben.
Maggie: Oh I bet Jason and Carol are probably getting ready for the dinner show about now.
Ben: Eight o' clock and the perimeter is secure Grandpa! Mike's not sneaking out tonight!
Grandpa: Good job, Deputy Ben. Carry on. Oh that Benny's gonna make a great cop.
Mike: If he lives that long.
Grandma: Ooh, I got a six letter word, triple word score, "sexual".
Grandma: My tiles are all gone. I win.
Mike: Well, that's six in a row Grandma.
Maggie: Well Mike, it's time for you to go to bed.
Mike: What? It's eight o'clock.
Maggie: Well you are being punished, you're not supposed to be having fun.
Mike: I'm not! I'm hanging out with you guys.
Maggie: Mike! Bed!
Mike: Ok ok ok, I'll go. But I just want you to know, that if I ever do spot a towering inferno,
I'm just gonna let those people die.
Maggie: Mom, Dad, more coffee?
Grandma: No! Ed you know how it keeps you awake.
Maggie: Well tonight's the night to stay awake. It's all "love week" on channel eight, and
tonight's late night movie is, "Love Story two".
Grandma: Maggie, I thought you were grounded too.
Maggie: Well sure but, well I don't want to get carried away.
Grandma: You can do what you want.
Maggie: Mom! Dad will you explain to her how silly this is.
Grandpa: I don't understand anything about this grounding business; or why you listen to one
of you husband's half-baked ideas. And for that matter why you'd even marry him in the first
Maggie: Thanks Dad.
Grandma: If I were you, I'd go to bed and take my punishment like an adult.
Maggie: I am an adult!
Grandma: Well you're not acting like it now, are you?
Grandpa: Margaret Catherine, don't argue with your mother.
Ben: Eight O five and all is well!!
Maggie: That's what you think.
Waiter: Will this table be satisfactory sir?
Jason: Oh this is great, thank you.
Waiter: Are you absolutely certain that this table is to your satisfaction?
Jason: Are you kidding? What's not to like, we're practically ring side.
Waiter: Because I do have a lovely table back there, behind that pillar.
Jason: So...Carol, what do you think of the gambling capital of the East?
Carol: I think it's the most disgusting place I've ever been.
Jason: Are you not having fun?
Carol: Are you kidding? I love it!
Waiter 2: Cocktails?
Carol: Yeah, shrimp.
Waiter 2: Shrimp?
Jason: Oh she means the little crustaceans, not you.
Waiter: I didn't think she did. One shrimp cocktail, and you sir?
Jason: Ah, I'll just have a Vodka gimlet on the rocks please, just make it a short one...no..not,
I'm sorry nothing, nothing, nothing.
Waiter 2: Psychiatrist?
Waiter 2: Figures.
Jason: Wow! Sinatra live.
Jason: You know the greatest thing about it is that any or all of his friends could show up. We
could see Dean Martin or Sammy Davis Junior. Maybe even Joey Bishop.
Carol: Dare we dream.
(Maggie sneaks downstairs to watch TV)
TV: Tonight's "Love Week" continues with "Love Story 2", Oliver's story. Last night in "Love
Story 1" Ali McGrath died of a mysterious disease after calling Ryan O’Neil a series of insulting
(Mike sneaks downstairs to go out)
Maggie: Going somewhere?
Mike: I was sleepwalking. Can you beat that? Look at this Mom, I'm fully dressed!!
Maggie: Michael Aaron Seaver!! Don't you dare compound your escape from your punishment
for lying, by using deception!!
Mike: I didn't understand a word of that.
Maggie: Sit down!! Michael what are you thinking? Is it really that hard to do as you're told?
You had a simple punishment, but can you be trusted? No...every single time...
Mike: Hey!! What's this?
Maggie: Forget that.
Mike: No, that's a Kleenex!! You've been watching "Love Story".
Maggie: I have not! It was "Love Story 2"!
Mike: Excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be grounded?
Maggie: Michael, we are discussing you.
Mike: Oh, ok I get it. It's ok for you to skip out on your punishment but it's not ok for me.
Maggie: Michael, if you think I get some great pleasure from punishing you, you're wrong.
Mike: Oh come on Mom. I've seen that little glimmer of excitement in your eye when you
catch me doing something wrong. I've heard that happy ring in your voice when you call me
by my full name.
Maggie: Michael, you don't understand what a parent goes through.
Mike: And you sure don't understand me.
Maggie: No I don't. Not when you act like this.
Mike: And because you're confused, I have to miss out on the biggest party of the year!
Maggie: I thought you said last weekend's party was the biggest party of the year.
Mike: What? What? You keep transcripts of our conversations now.
Maggie: Michael, when you're sixteen, every party is the biggest party of the year!
Mike: That's easy for you to say. I mean what do you know about being sixteen and having a
parent who's always right?
Maggie: A lot! Have you met my father?
Mike: Pleasant man.
Maggie: Pleasant man?! You know once he grounded me for no reason at all.
Maggie: And all I did was say "damn" at the dinner table.
Maggie: And even though he was known to say that, and a lot worse, he still grounded me!
Mike: Well of course, he was an adult.
Maggie: I mean you want to talk about unfair?
Mike: I believe I have been.
Maggie: Grounded. Forget the fact it was Vicky Tamara’s sweet sixteen party. It was a pizza
party. I mean she was my best friend. I mean what was I supposed to do? So I climbed out
the window and went to that party anyway!
Maggie: And it was a truly...great...party.
Mike: Because you got away with it.
Maggie: Yeah, and I ...
Mike: I understand.
Maggie: And I'm beginning to. Come on!
Maggie: Out! I'm in the mood for pizza.
Mike: But Mom Mom, we're grounded remember.
Maggie: I won't tell me what I did, if you don't.
Mike: This is deeply weird.
Carol: So when does the show start?
Jason: Carol, a superstar like Frank Sinatra never performs while they're still serving food.
Carol: Does it make him hungry, or what?
Jason: Oh, sshhhh. Show time!
Announcement: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Jack Pot room of the Ballbrook Hotel in Atlantic
City is proud to present the unique, one-of-a-kind song stylings of a living legend...Mr. Frank
Carol: I suppose this means no Joey Bishop either.
Maggie: Thanks for the pizza Mike. It hasn't tasted this good since I was sixteen.
Mike: Yeah well thanks for making getting grounded, fun.
Maggie: Michael, that wasn't the point of any of this.
Mike: Do I detect a sound of mother in your voice?
Maggie: Michael Aaron Seaver!
Mike: Yes I do. I knew this was too good to last. You're gonna tell yourself on me, aren't you?
Mike: Hey, you do understand me!
Maggie: Yeah, I guess I do.
Mike: I don't think I like this.
Maggie: Me either.
Mike: Hey Mike honey, what do you say we just cancel the grounding for the rest of the
Maggie: No Mike.
Mike: I thought you knew rotten is was to be grounded.
Maggie: I do, but I also remember that every time it was done to me when I was a kid, they
were lessons I never forgot. And I think it helped mould me into a mature responsible person.
Come here. Come on.
Ben: You're busted!!!!
Grandpa: Will you listen to this? Some French actor by the name of..er..Y Ves Monta....
Grandma: Oh, I love him!!
Grandpa: Oh yeah? Well he's running for President of France! Why would anybody be dumb
enough to vote for an actor to be President?
Grandma: Reagan was an actor.
Grandpa: Well yeah, but not a good one.
Jason: Ha ha hey hi! Ed! Kate!
Grandma: Tell me, you lucky people. How was Atlantic City?
Carol: Really vabbit.
Grandma: Oh, that's wonderful.
Grandpa: How was Frank?
Jason: Well...Ed, he looks a lot younger in person.
Grandpa: Ringyding ding, ah?
Jason: The only way we could thank you for getting those tickets, was by having him
autograph the menu.
Grandma: Oh Eddy!!
Grandpa: Oh. "Ed, I was so sorry that you missed the show. It made my day to find out you
were a fan. Your pal, Frank." Oh wow..."pal". You know when a big guy like this has time for a
regular Joe like me...oh....it kind of brings back my faith in the world.