Growing Pains 207
(Mike is singing and dancing while listening to headphones)
Mike: Baby, ba-ba di ba.....baby! Dad!?
Jason: Mike, you promised me you'd be studying for your speech class exam.
Mike: I am!
Jason: Well, start over!
Mike: I don't get it, I was wearing headphones.
Jason: Study Mike!
Mike: Alright! Hello. Hey Boner, my man! How are you doing? Yeah, I could use a study
break.Oh, yeah, yeah, the Arcade sounds great. Oh wait a second, I'm broke. You think you
could lend me like...alright, alright, alright; I'll pay you back for that, and for this, ok? Oh,
hold on a second. Oh Carol!
Carol: Not a Dime.
Mike: Bone, I don't know, oh may....oh hold on a minute. Oh Benny my man!
Ben: Not a chance Mike!
Mike: Listen Bone, er...this could take a couple of seconds. You wanna hold? Ok, don't go
Boner: No problem. I'll wait right here.
Mike: Ben! My little compadre!!
Mike: Ben, you know when you look at me suspiciously like that it hurts.
Mike: Ben, come on! I mean we're brothers, you know. This is our time to bond. And you know,
before you know it, you'll be a grown man and...
Ben: You'll be in prison.
Mike: Alright, ok, fine, if you don't want to see this great new card trick that I learnt, that you
could use to win big money out of your trusting little friends...
Ben: How much money?
Ben: Get the cards.
Carol: I thought Dad said you weren't supposed to be playing cards with Ben anymore.
Ben: Hey! We're bonding!
Mike: Ok. Now pick a card any card, and I'll tell you what it is. And I'll bet...even I'll say a
Dollar on it. Ok, alright, you don't have to bet a dollar, just make it a pretend Dollar. It's the
Queen of Spades.
Ben: Seven of Diamonds!
Mike: Gosh! Why did I mess up? Alright here, let me try it again. The....Ace of Hearts?
Ben: Nine of Diamonds!
Carol: You owe him two Dollars.
Mike: Pretend Dollars! Guys why isn't this working?
Ben: I bet my allowance. Four Dollars. Real Dollars.
Mike: You know Ben, it's real sleazy of you to take advantage of me like this.
Carol: Five Dollars more.
Mike: Hey, come on guys!
Carol: And another Buck.
Ben: Ok, what is it?
Mike: Jack of Diamonds. Thank you very much.
Ben: I'm only ten. What's your excuse?
Boner: (from the phone)Hello Mikey, are you there? Hello. Hello!
Boner: Ben, is that you?
Jason: Mike! Are you still studying?
Mike: Yo Dad, I'm on it!
Ben: Eat this!
Mike: Ben look, you're already skating on thin ice, alright. I mean I just went down to the
Arcade for half an hour, after Boner calls and invites me, and he doesn't even show up!
Mike: Hello. Boner look! Man, I was just down at the Arcades for half an hour. Where you been?
Oh! Why didn't you just call and tell me you were waiting on the phone?
Jason: Mike, no wasting time! Supposed to be working on that speech. So have you settled on
Mike: Well...it's a little early Dad.
Jason: Well what are your choices?
Mike: Ah...Dad, Dad, you know how you...err...always said you never wanted to push me? Well,
you're pushing me.
Carol: Did you tell Dad about all the money you stole from us?
Mike: Ahh, no, no Dad she doesn't know what she's talking about. Just between you and me,
I'm worried about her.
Ben: Did you spend all that money at the Arcade?
Mike: Ben of course has several cylinders and is firing them.
Jason: You were down at the Arcade playing video games?
Mike: That's a very complicated question Dad.
Jason: Try me.
Mike: I was definitely no playing video games.
Jason: But you were there?
Mike: For a very short time.
Carol: With my money!
Ben: And mine!
Mike: I won it!
Carol: You stole it!
Ben: From a little kid too!!
Mike: Hey, whose idea was it to bet? Dad look, I tried to talk 'em out of it. All I wanted to do
was stay home and study.
Jason: So you conned your own family out of money?
Mike: Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.
Jason: Come on Mike! When are you gonna learn that conning people will only hurt you?
Mike: Oh please.
Jason: No, Mike, I'm talking about your future here! You know that nine out of ten con-men
end up spending empty bitter lives as chiropractors? Mike, I want something better for you
than a life of hugging men who've thrown their backs out.
Mike: Ok. My topic is "indecent exposure". Now, it's interesting to note, that in some places in
the world, the only part of a female body that, by law, must be covered is the face. And if
you've been to a Convenience store lately, you can clearly see where that law comes from!
Naaa. Hey Mom, what are you doing home early?
Maggie: Oh, I need an insurance form. My tooth is killing me.
Ben: Look! Look what I've got!
Maggie: What Ben?
Mike: Oh boy, a rock.
Ben: It's not just a rock, it's a magic rock!
Maggie: Oh, that's nice honey.
Ben: Yeah! Vinnie Verbott sold it to me for only five Bucks!
Mike: Oh, Ben Ben Ben Ben.
Ben: What? What? What? What?
Maggie: Ben, honey, you're so trusting.
Ben: That's a bad thing?
Mike: Not from where I sit.
Maggie: Ben, you've gotta stop being an easy mark for every two bit con-man in the
neighbourhood. No offense Mike.
Ben: But Mom, this is a magic rock. It can do anything!
Mike: Ben, think. If Vinnie really had a magic rock, why would he sell it to you, for five Bucks?
Ben: Said he liked me.
Maggie: Well as soon as I get back from the Dentists, I'm calling Mrs. Verbotts and getting
your m..money back. Where is that stupid form?
Ben: Let Mom find her stupid form, let Mom find her stupid form...
Mike: Oh Brother.
Maggie: Ben! Please, I'm in pain here.
Ben: Stop Mom's pain, stop Mom's pain.
Maggie: Ben! Please! Oh great! Oh here it is!
Maggie: The form.
Ben: Like I said the rock is magic.
Maggie: Oh Ben, it's just a coincidence.
Ben: How's your tooth?
Maggie: Well it's...fine.
Mike: If that rock's magic, I'm a gorilla.
Ben: That can be arranged.
Maggie: No, I couldn't believe it. Not one cavity. The x-rays showed nothing. My tooth is in
Ben: Of course!
Jason: Ben, I think we've heard quite enough about magic rocks.
Ben: But Vinnie verbotts got the rock from Neil McGregor’s sisters. Everybody knows they're
Mike: The magic rock didn't help their teeth, they don't have any.
Jason: We all know it's important to believe in something, but believing in something that isn't
real can only let you down.
Ben: But it cured Mom's tooth ache.
Maggie: It did stop hurting.
Jason: Don't you start.
Maggie: And I did find the insurance form stuck to the bottom of the drawer.
Jason: Maggie, insurance forms are always stuck to the bottoms of drawers. Where have you
Carol: Dad, without magic, how do you explain the miracle of life, the mystery and the wonder
of the universe, the imagination of a child...?
Mike: Wayne Noon's entire career!
Jason: Must you take cheap shots at the man who brought us "danker shein"?
Ben: What about all those guys on TV who cure you if you send them money?
Mike: My heroes.
Jason: Look, the point is Ben, if there were any such thing as "magic rocks" then the only
place you could find them would be California. In fact, I'm sure the people out there are just
tripping over them.
Maggie: Well Ben, maybe your magic rock can finish the laundry for me.
Maggie: A mother can dream.
Carol: Ah, I gotta hit the books! Mike, books are those square paper things that frighten you.
Jason: Speaking of books Mike...
Mike: Ah Dad, I know it's a school night but I have to go to Boner's to check some research
for my speech, ok?
Jason: Sure Mike.
Mike: But Dad I...sure?
Jason: Yeah you can go just as soon as you clean up your room.
Mike: D..Dad, I thought my room was my space.
Jason: Your space smells.
Jason: Mike! You call that clean?
Mike: How does he do that?
Ben: Hey Mike! Clean your room for a Buck.
Mike: Alright, you're on. Thanks Benny.
Ben: Magic rock, clean Mike's room. Magic rock....
Mike: No no no no no, Ben, you're gonna clean my room for real, ok?
Ben: It's already clean. See for yourself.
Mike: Give me my Dollar. Ben, you can't... Hey Ben, we gotta talk!
Ben: You can't have it! You can't touch it, it's mine.
Mike: Ah, come on Benny!
Ben: Have I ever told you how much I hate being called Benny?
Mike: Yes, many times, and I'm just now getting the message.
Mike: Look Ben, what's your hurry?
Ben: I gotta go. I have many miracles to perform.
Mike: Ok, one quick thought here...
Mike: Alright alright, don't point that thing at me!
Jason: He bought it?
Maggie: Oh yeah, he sure did. Boy you psychiatrists sure know how to run a scam!
Jason: Thank you.
Carol: What an easy mark, he was ripe for the plucking!
Jason: Carol, our purpose here is to teach Mike how it feels to be conned and to get back the
ten Bucks that he took from you and Ben.
Maggie: You're right of course. (laughing)
Carol: What a sucker!! (laughing)
Maggie: Oh what a pigeon!!
Carol: I love this!
Jason: Yes, well you know, we could sell those magic rocks and we could make a fortune. Yeah,
you could give up the paper, I could give up my practice, we could all go from town to town
fleecing and bilking people. Yeah then we could get arrested and we could sell our story to
Hollywood, TV movie of the week, "The Seavers- A Life Of Crime". Farah Fosset could play you,
I'd be played by Richard Chamberlain of course. And in part one maybe...
Maggie: You have a certain quality that gets on my nerves.
Jason: I just think you guys are enjoying this a little too much.
Carol: Does Molly Ringwall do TV?
Jason: Now stop it. 'Cause I'm sure right about now Mike is learning his lesson.
Carol: Yeah...following Ben around like a little puppy. (laughing)
Maggie: Ha ha ha Richard Chamberlain!!
Ben: Now how much were you offering again?
Mike: Thirty...five. Thirty five Dollars Benny!
Ben: What was that?
Ben: Better. Fifty.
Mike: Ben, I don't have fifty!
Ben: Yes you do! Your birthday money from Grandma and Grandpa, it's in your second dresser
drawer under your National Geographics!
Mike: Ok. Ok. Alright.
Ben: Hhmmm. So I'd have the money but I'd still have to take the garbage out every night...
Mike: Alright, I'll do the garbage for a month.
Ben: And clear the table every night?
Mike: Why you little...terrific kid.
Ben: Of course Mom and Dad could never know how much you paid me.
Mike: No no no, I'll tell 'em that you gave it too me.
Ben: No. Tell 'em you paid me ten Bucks. No more no less.
Mike: Yeah fine whatever! I just need some kind of magic for my speech class tomorrow. So
it's a deal, right?
Ben: I'll sleep on it.
Mike: Well the first thing I'm gonna do is turn him into a snake...na I'm too late.
Boner: Then the Doctor washes his hands, they hose down the room, and that's it. This
concludes my speech on where babies come from. Well any questions?
Teacher: No! No, that was extremely...thorough.
Boner: Oh, thanks.
Teacher: However, I can't help but wonder if it...if it really wouldn't have been more effective if
you had used the proper names for the..er..you know...parts of the body.
Boner: Err, I did.
Teacher: Yeah? You may sit. Er Mr. Stabone, please would you...could...would you take your
visual aids with you. Ohh, let's just take a moment here. Ok? And catch our breath.
Mike: Great speech Bones!
Boner: Thanks a lot man, I knew a third of my grade depended on it.
Teacher: Alright, well now let's see who's next...Mike Seaver!
Mike: Watch this Bone. Oh. (rubbing himself with the magic rock) Great speech great speech
great speech great speech.
Teacher: What's your topic?
Teacher: Magic! Thank goodness.
Mike: Great speech great speech great speech...
Teacher: Not yet it isn't.
Mike: Magic! Rock! Ah! Magic! Johnson!
Teacher: Mike, I'm having a little trouble following this.
Teacher: Mike, I think you've over done the pregnant pause. Not a word Mr. Stabone!
Mike: Look, I can't fail, I can't fail!
Teacher: You wanna bet? Mike, either finish your speech or take a seat.
Mike: Look, are you gonna help me out here, or what? I've been conned!
Teacher: Ok, that's it.
Mike: Right! That's it, con jobs!
Teacher: I beg your pardon?
Mike: Yeah now that's the real title of my speech. You're gonna love this Mrs. Skovanjario! Ok.
Con jobs! Friend or foe? You know anybody can be a victim. You don't believe me? You all look
pretty intelligent, but I just made you believe that I didn't know what I was doing up here! So
Ben: Hi Mom!
Maggie: Hi Honey.
Jason: Hey Ben, what you got there?
Ben: It's a catcher’s mitt. A Buzzie Babone autographed model!
Jason: Ben, Buzzie Babone's a bum! He couldn't catch a cold.
Maggie: You bought that?
Jason: Where'd you get the money?
Ben: Oh oh.
Jason: Ben, you were supposed to get your money and Carol's money back from Mike.
Ben: I did.
Maggie: Ten Dollars?
Maggie: Ben, how much?
Ben: Fifty Bucks, and I think he's learnt his lesson.
Maggie: Ben, Ben!
Jason: Hold it! You swindled your brother?
Ben: We all did. Here's your cut Mom...Dad...there you go Carol.
Carol: What's this?
Jason: Ben, we were trying to teach Mike a lesson, not con him out of fifty Dollars.
Carol: Fifty Bucks. Ha ha, what a chump!
Maggie: Jason, this idiotic scheme of yours has got way out of hand.
Jason: Oh oh, well I was just trying to teach him a simple moral lesson. I don't know what
(Door Bell rings)
Jason: Boner! Come in!
Boner: Where's Mike? Don't try to hide him.
Jason: What's your problem?
Boner: He took advantage of my innocence.
Maggie: Pardon me?
Boner: Mrs. Seaver, he like ripped me off. He sold me this stupid rock and told me it was
Boner: Yeah! I almost got killed trying to take Dead Man's Curve on my skateboard.
Ben: You didn't!
Boner: I did! I figured, with this rock, I could boldly go, where no man has gone before.
Maggie: Boner, it's not a magic rock.
Boner: No kidding. I'm out of sixty Bucks too.
Ben: It's gone up!
Jason: Look, we'll talk to Mike as soon as he gets home.
Boner: So will I!
Maggie: Jason let's get Boner his money back.
Jason: Ok then, let's everybody give me their money back. Come on give me that! Right this
is er...Ben you've even cheated us on the split!
Ben: Hey, I did most of the work!
Carol: Why you little double crosser!
Maggie: What is this, Miami Vice?
Jason: Ok, this is...fifty Dollars and a genuine autographed Buzzie Babone mitt.
Boner: Cool it's my favourite baseball player! Oh thanks, you guys are ok. Oh and tell Mike
that I'm never speaking to him again. Oh never mind I'll tell him when I see him tomorrow.
Boner: I am good!
Boner: Fifty Bucks and a new catcher's mitt.
Mike: Alright! You can keep the mitt Bone, you earned it.
Boner: Err, could I have the rock too?
Mike: What for?
Boner: Oh I don't know...sentimental.
Mike: Yeah here.
Mike: Hey relax it's worthless.
Boner: You think so huh?
Boner: I had this rock in my Chemistry class. Mr. Rembelov offered to buy it from me.
Boner: Yeah, it’s a collectors. This is called "Termaline" or something like that. Very rare. He's
gonna give me two hundred bucks for it!
Mike: Bone, this isn't fair.
Boner: I know, aint it great?
Mike: Oh well fine! But did it ever occur to you that when you con you somebody you always
get hurt! Ah, some people never learn.
Jason: Alright, that's lights out you guys! Well I think that Mike and Ben have finally learnt
Maggie: Well I hope so.
Jason: Yeah, well they've learnt that you can't lie to people, you can't abuse their trust, you're
not gonna get away with it. People get what's coming to them in this world.
TV: Coming up on the news, former President Richard Nixon is honored tonight at a, thousand
Dollar a plate, dinner.