Growing Pains 206
(In school reading a play)
Carol: "Oh swear not by by the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her
circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise, variable."
Pupil: "What shall I swear by?"
Teacher: Hey! We're trying to do a little "Romeo and Juliet" here! We don't need no insensitive
jerk, messing it up.
Bobby: I'm sorry Coach.
Teacher: Alright...err...go back to the part where Romeo was thwearing. Ok, people.
Remember next week we have a major exam on all the Shakespeare Sonnets. So you better
know your assonants from your elbows.
Friend: Are you coming Carol, or what?
Carol: Where are sensitive men, like Romeo, nowadays? Men, who aren't afraid to cry. I mean,
all we have are insensitive jocks.
Friend: Do you think Tom Cruise Cries?
Friend 2: Tom Cruise can do anything he wants.
Carol: Yes, Mr. Lovett.
Teacher: I'm gonna say something to you that might shock you. But in this class, I consider
you my equal. Well, what I mean is, if I had a question about Shakespeare, and I had a choice
of either asking him or you; I'd ask you.
Carol: Well thank you.
Teacher: And it has nothing to do with the fact that they ran around in tights all the time. And
the point is, is that I need your help. It's no big secret that I wouldn't even be teaching this
class, if Mrs. Orbeaux hadn't gone a little bit flaky, if you know what I mean? But there's a kid
who's flunking the class, who shouldn't be and I kind o' blame myself. So, I was wondering if,
maybe you could tutor him.
Carol: Well, I've never really thought of myself as a ... teacher.
Teacher: Hey, who has? So what do you say?
Carol: Ok, I'll give it a shot.
Teacher: Ah, yeah. Hey, Bobby!
Carol: The jock?
Bobby: Yo, Coach!!
Teacher: Now, Bobby. Seaver here's gonna help you through all that Shakespeare stuff...
Teacher: Now, look! You do everything she says, because, if you don't pass, you don't play.
And it aint gonna do you no good comin' crying your eyes out to me; like you did last year.
Bobby: I don't thing we ever really met. I'm Bobby Winette.
Carol: I know.
Bobby: And you're Carol, "The Brain".
Carol: I know. You actually cried last year?
Bobby: Yeah. Groin pull.
Ben: It's not one of your mental patients, Dad, it's just me.
Jason: Hey, you're home early, Ben.
Ben: Yeah, my teacher got food poisoning from the "Tuna Surprise" in the cafeteria. She was
Jason: Is she OK?
Ben: I guess. Alls I know is that one minute Miss Cutter was reading off "The Little Fish That
Could", and the next minute, she was rowfing out the window.
Mike: Hey, Dad! Ask me how school went today!
Jason: I'm afraid to...
Mike: It went great Dad we had this pop quiz in health class and got ... Are you ready for
this?... an A!!!
Jason: An A?
Jason: Great news son.
Mike: Yeah, Yeah. See, we had to list the four basic food groups, and I got every single one of
Mike: Those two hours of studying really paid off.
Carol: Hi Dad.
Carol: Mike, you're home!! Ben, you're home too!! Dad, would you make Mike take Ben some
Jason: Any place in particular?
Carol: Beijing would be good.
Mike: Look! How come all of a sudden, you don't want us around?
Carol: It's not sudden.
Mike: Oh, no, no, no, I get it Dad. She's probably got one of her "oh so brainy friends" coming
over and she's afraid that we'll embarrass her. Which of course we will.
Carol: It's none of your business, who I've got coming over.
Jason: Look, Carol, being ashamed of your brothers, is not nice.
Ben: Yeah. (Ben burps)
Jason: Could've been worse. Which one of you guys wants to come with me to pick up your
Mom? Free ice-cream.
Ben: Let's roll.
Jason: And I don't want you to be bothering your sister when her little friend is here.
Mike: Hey, no sweat Dad.
Carol: Mike, why don't you go some place and count your brain cell?
Mike: What is it with you? Who's coming over? The...the geek queen of Dewey High?
Carol: It's none of your business.
Mike: Oh. I get it. This isn't just like a she-geek, this is a he-geek, isn't it?
Carol: You're scum.
Mike: So, who is it? Like a hunk from the chess club? A total babe from the honors society?
Carol: For your information, it happens to be the Captain of the varsity football team.
Mike: Bobby Winette?
Mike: Wow...wai...wait a minute. Bobby Winette is coming over here to see you?
(Door bell rings and it's Bobby)
Carol: There. See?
Mike: Yo! Bobby! My man! How in the heck are you doing bro?
Bobby: Fine. Mark, right?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, that's what my close friends call me.
Bobby: So, Carol, where do you wanna study?
Mike: Aha. That explains why you'd be over here seeing her.
Carol: Well, how about my room? There'll be fewer stupid interruptions.
Bobby: Your parents won't mind?
Carol: Well, we're the only ones here. Except for Mark, of course.
Carol: Bobby, I don't know why Romeo didn't try CPR on Juliet before he killed himself.
Bobby: I mean, the guy doesn't even check the pulse, before he does himself in.
Carol: Bobby, the play is over four hundred years old. It's a Classic.
Bobby: Look! To you geniuses, it may make sense that Juliet gets some drug from a priest,
and pretends like she's dead, so that she can run off with a guy who's too stupid to pick up
the phone and call a doctor. Well, to a guy like me, it's sheep dip!!
Carol: You're calling Shakespeare, "sheep dip"?
Bobby: If I was Romeo, and you were Juliet and I really had it bad for you, there's nothing
nobody could say that would get in the way...not my family, not your family, not nobody. By
the time those people turned around to look for you and me, we'd be in my pick-up, half way
to Jersey!! I'm sorry I lost my temper. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I guess
I'm too sensitive.
Carol: It's OK. I really didn't want it anymore, anyway.
Bobby: This tutoring stuff's a bad idea. My head's too thick.
Carol: No, no, no, no, no. Understanding Shakespeare is a very difficult thing to do. You know,
when I first read his plays I was lost for months; it ruined my entire sixth grade year.
Bobby: You read this stuff in the sixth grade?
Carol: I'm weird, OK?
Bobby: No, no, no!! You're smart. Boy, spending this much time with me must really be boring
for you, huh?
Carol: Not really. So where were we?
Bobby: Everybody was dead.
Maggie: Dinner in half an hour Ben!! Tuna Surprise!!
Mike: Hey guys!
Maggie: Hey Mike. Dad told me about your A in health.
Jason: Yeah. Come on Mike, let's hear those four basic food groups!
Mike: Yeah, maybe later Dad. I'm gonna shoot a few, OK?
Maggie: Where's Carol?
Mike: Upstairs in her bedroom with a football player.
Maggie: Football player?
Jason: Our son has a very weird sense of humour.
Maggie: Yeah, little kill.
Carol: Hi Mom, Dad, this is Bobby.
Bobby: Please to meet you.
Jason: The football player?
Bobby: Yeah, you heard of me?
Jason: Yeah, I just didn't believe it.
Maggie: Carol, what's going on here?
Carol: I'm tutoring Bobby.
Maggie: Oh, well that makes sense.
Bobby: Yeah. Carol's translating this Shakespeare guy into English.
Maggie: Well, nice to meet you Bobby.
Bobby: The pleasure was distinctly mine Mrs. Seaver. Mr. Seaver.
Jason: Yo. Football.
Bobby: Oh, Carol, I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks again.
Maggie: Nice boy.
Maggie: Certainly was polite.
Maggie: And cute.
Jason: You're doing great Maggie.
Maggie: So, what do you think of him?
Carol: Oh, Mom. I'm just tutoring him. He's not my type, OK? I swear, I don't know where
you'd ever get the idea I'd be attracted to body...Bobby.
Jason: No reason to get excited, honey.
Maggie: So, you were alone in your bedroom with a boy; so what?
Jason: If there's anybody we could trust in a situation like that, it's you.
Maggie: That's right, honey.
Carol: You trust me?
Jason: You bet.
Carol: What a rotten thing for you to say.
Jason: I mean we have faith in you.
Carol: Why does everybody always think, I'm gonna do the right thing.
Maggie: So, you're saying that you're interested in Bobby?
Carol: Mom. Haven't you heard a word I've said? He has none of the qualities I would look
for in a boy.
Jason: Well, what are those qualities?
Carol: He'd have to be an intellectual; at least as smart as I am, if not smarter. He'd have to
sensitive and vulnerable too, with a full understanding of the universe, and our place in it.
Jason: Well, we're safe. She's eliminated everybody but Karl Sagin.
Teacher: "What soft white light, through yonder window breaks? It is the..." What do you
Pupil: Can you explain what that means?
Teacher: Well, it's an analogy, wherein Shakespeare likens the presence of Juliet to that of the
rising sun. You chuckle head! OK, I want you to read the first act of "Much Ado About Nothing",
and be prepared to talk about what all the...err..."do" is about.
Friend: Oh great, more homework. It's only Tuesday and I'm already getting behind.
Friend 2: Speaking of getting behind, does anyone wanna go watch the boys' swim team
practise after school?
Carol: That is so dumb.
Friend 2: Carol, don't you ever have any fun?
Bobby: Carol, I'll see you after school at your place.
Friends: She does!
Friend 2: So, like what is this Bobby Winette situation?
Carol: There's no situation, I'm just tutoring him.
Friend: Oh, well what figures.
Carol: And what is that supposed to mean?
Friend: Well, I don't know.
Friend 2: Oh, come on Carol, don't have a cow! Everybody knows, you're immaculate.
Friend: You know, wholesome. Well, there are worse things to be...errm...like fat.
Carol: Well, for your information, Bobby and I did our studying all evening in my bedroom.
And the subject was "Romeo and Juliet", if you get my meaning. You know, maybe I don't
have to ogle the boys' swim team and act like a little girl, when I can be a woman, at home.
Friend: Guess what? Carol Seaver spent the night with Bobby the Boy.
Ben: It's me Dad, your favourite kid.
Jason: Oh, well come on in Carol.
Ben: Oh, hardy ha ha ha.
Jason: So, how was school today?
Mike: Dad, we got big trouble!
Jason: Mike! What happened to you?
Mike: Ben, look, you're gonna have to leave; me and Dad have got some man talk alright!
Ben: What am I? A Muppet?
Jason: Mike, you look like you've been in a fight!
Mike: Oh yeah!
Jason: Well, who with?
Mike: My sixth period speech class.
Jason: What, you fought the whole class?
Mike: Look, I don't know Dad, I was at the bottom of the pile. Look, my fight is not important
right now, neither is my suspension.
Jason: You were suspended?
Mike: Yeah. Look, alright. At the start of the class, everybody comes up to me and asks if I've
heard the news. I say, "what news?", "about Carol". Well, you know me, I'm always ready for
a good Carol nerd story. Yeah, and then he starts saying this disgusting stuff about Carol. So,
I keep smiling, you see, and waiting for the punch line; only he's not kidding. And I don't
know what happened but the next thing I know, I was in there punching Eddie out. And then I
was in there swinging and kicking, and I couldn't even figure out why I was so angry. I'm here
I was, getting all busted up, protecting Carol!! I must have been delirious.
Jason: Wait a minute. But, well, what were they saying about Carol?
Mike: Well, that she's been...sleeping with Bobby Winette, right up in her own room!
Jason: Oh. That doesn't even make any sense.
Mike: Yeah, tell me about it! I mean if Bobby wants to start a rumour, why didn't he just pick
someone like Sheena Birkov? Now with her...
Jason: Hey, Mike! Are you sure Bobby said this?
Mike: Yes Dad! Look, I don't think you should let Bobby come over here anymore.
Jason: Well, he's upstairs with Carol, right now.
Mike: You hold him, I'll knock him over.
Jason: Mike, I'll talk to him, alright?
Maggie: Hi, am I too late for the man talk? Were you in a fight?
Mike: Not just a fight; a brawl.
Jason: Yeah. Protecting his sister's good name.
Mike: Yeah. Nobody bad-mouths that geek, when I'm around!
Carol: "Then have my lips, the sin that they have took." Now, Juliet means that Romeo's first
kiss, the sin, should be taken back by Romeo.
Bobby: Sounds like she's scamming him for another kiss?
Carol: OK. Here.
Bobby: "Sin from my lips, oh tre...tre...tre..."
Bobby: "...Trespass sweetly urged. Give me my sin again." So, he gets the message, right?
Carol: Right! And then they kiss, restating their love, even though they are from two different
Bobby: You're really...smart.
Carol: Lucky me.
Bobby: Oh, no, I mean it's nice! I...I...I never hung out with a smart girl before; it's
Carol: The stock market is interesting.
Bobby: I mean, it's kind o' nice.
Carol: Nice, is nice.
Bobby: There's this theatre that's showing "Romeo and Juliet", and I was wondering if you had
nothing to do, you and I could...
Carol: Mom! Dad!
Maggie: I sincerely hope we aren't interrupting anything.
Bobby: A...a...afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Seaver.
Jason: Bobby, I wanna have a word with you.
Carol: Dad, what are you doing?
Maggie: And I'd like a word with you, Carol.
Carol: This is so embarrassing.
Jason: Bobby, my office. You can take your books.
Carol: Mother, do you have any idea what you have just done?
Maggie: I certainly do.
Carol: You have ruined my entire life.
Maggie: Carol, I don't think you understand what is going on.
Carol: I'll tell you what's going on. The captain of the football team, the pride of the Dewey
Hooters was in the middle of asking me out. Me! Carol "The Brain" Seaver!
Maggie: Oh, honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this but Bobby isn't as nice as he might
Carol: How would you know?
Maggie: Because, he's saying terrible things about you.
Carol: What are you talking about?
Maggie: He's been telling people, all over school, that while you two were supposed to be
studying, you slept together.
Carol: He's telling?
Maggie: And I don't want someone who would spread those kinds of rumours about my
daughter, in this house.
Carol: Well, Mom...erm... I think we have a problem then.
Bobby: Well, what?
Jason: Explain yourself!
Bobby: Oh, you mean, like where I was born, what position I play!
Jason: No. I'm talking about what you said at school yesterday.
Bobby: What do you mean?
Jason: The lie you told.
Bobby: Oh. How did you know?
Jason: Everyone knows.
Bobby: OK. I didn't really read Moby Dick. The library has these old kind o' books, called
Classic Illustrated and all I did was...
Jason: I'm talking about Carol!
Bobby: Oh, I bet she read it. She's read everything.
Carol: I just read it to Debby and Shelly. I mean I never thought they'd go blab it all over the
whole school with it!!
Maggie: Oh, forget about Debby and Shelly.
Carol: I'd like to. I mean, how could they do that? How could they believe something like
Maggie: Because they heard it from you!
Carol: Mom, don't defend them.
Maggie: Carol, how could you start a rumour like that about... It is a rumour, isn't it?
Carol: Of course it is Mom. I mean, everybody knows that, decent, responsible, immaculate
Carol wouldn't dare do a thing like that.
Maggie: Then, why?
Carol: I don't know.
Maggie: Carol, that's a Mike answer. I expect a little more from you.
Carol: What am I, a saint? Why do you always have to say, "Mike, why can't you be more like
your sister?" Why does every teacher I've ever had put me in charge, when they leave the
class room? Why is it that I'm the one, always to be elected a recording secretary?
Maggie: Oh, honey, those are all good things.
Carol: I just wish, that every once in a while, it would be nice to thought of as...dangerous.
Maggie: The kind o' girl that should never be allowed to study in her bedroom with a hunk?
Maggie: Have you noticed...Bobby's cute bottom?
Maggie: What, am I wrong?
Maggie: You know honey, you're gonna have to clear up this rumour at school.
Carol: Oh yeah. Do you think it could...erm...wait a couple of days?
Jason: Bobby, you leave me no choice. I'm gonna phone your parents!
Jason: Why? Because you told anybody who would listen, that you and Carol...
Maggie: Studied together!!!
Bobby: Was I supposed to keep that a secret?
Maggie: Jason, it's alright.
Jason: Hold on!!
Maggie: Hold off!!
Jason: But, he...
Jason: But I...
Maggie: Anything. Trust me. Bobby, Carol's waiting to finish your lesson...in the living room.
Bobby: Thanks for not calling my folks Mr. Seaver. I promise the first thing tomorrow, I'm
gonna read Moby Dick, cover to cover.
Bobby: Hi. You have a very strange family.
Carol: Oh, they seem pretty normal to me. OK, where were we? Oh yeah, you were saying
something about Romeo and Juliet the movie.
Bobby: I was gonna ask you, if you'd...
Carol: I'd love to.
Bobby: Right, well, I'm gonna go and get ready.
Carol: Why? You look incredible. I mean...errm... What time are you gonna be picking me up?
Bobby: An hour?
Carol: Fine. I may change too.
Bobby: Carol, I think you're real neat.
(They kiss and Mike enters)
Mike: Hey! Nobody says that about my sister!!
Ben: Hmmm. Shakespeare. Macbeth. "Out, out damn spot!" Ah, so the guy had a dog.