Growing Pains 413
Mike: Alright, the king is mean. The king is lean. He's shooting. Here he goes. He’s up to
Boner: Mikey. Its four am. Any time to get some studying done?
Mike: relax. You are acting like this is finals week.
Boner: It is.
Mike: Yes! One hundred and eighty. In a row. Can he go for a record one hundred and ninety?
Boner: Mikey, I think I need to study more than you need that record.
Mike: Boner relax. We've got a whole five hours. There's plenty of time to practice for this
Boner: Science final.
Mike: Whatever. Come on. Don’t be so tense.
Boner: Mikey, I’ve been doing some thinking.
Mike: A very dangerous thing for you to be doing Boner. Especially during finals week.
Boner: I've been asking myself certain questions.
Mike: Hey, if they are not multiple choice, you aint got a shot.
Boner: Mikey no, no..
Mike: hey Bone. Just look at yourself. You look like you are three feet tall with your legs
growing out of your armpits. Alright alright, we'll study. I hate to see a dwarf with a bad
attitude. I mean come on. Cheer up Bone. Remember the schools policy; First semester
freshmen can not flunk out. Even if their grades are as lousy as ours.
Boner: Well now that you are in serious mode, can I talk to you about something? Come here.
Mike: Sure, let me get comfortable here. Speak!
Boner: Ok, this thought has been bouncing around my head like a rubber ball. We can’t go
through college, the way we've been doing, for much longer. I mean, we aint High School
anymore. Things are changing. I can grow facial hair. Now I’ve been thinking about making
some big, big changes in my life. Do you ever feel that just getting by is getting old? (Mike
snoring) Guess not!
(A Week Later) (The Day the Grades Arrive)
Julie: Ben, you got some mail.
Ben: from who?
Julie: Ed MacMan.
Ben: Never heard of him.
Mike: Hey Ben, has anyone brought the mail in yet?
Ben: (speaking with food in his mouth)
Mike: Would you take that thing out of your mouth.
Ben: Well how else am I supposed to eat it?
Mike: Look, do you know? I got to look through it before mum and dad do.
Ben: They just got it.
Mike: What did you give it to them? How could you do that to me you little doof.
Julie: What's going on in here?
Ben: It’s Mike. He's gone crazy. It’s about the mail.
Julie: I just brought it into your parents. There was something for you.
Ben: You're in big trouble Julie.
Mike: Well thank you Julie. That was just so sweet of you to go out of your way like that.
Ben: Why is he so nice to you? What have you got that I haven’t got?
Mike: Hey, good morning mum and dad. Looking through the mail I see.
Jason: Expecting your new issue of "Boys Life"?
Jason: Well how about this letter from the Alf Landen Junior College?
Maggie: Office of the registrar.
Mike: Hey what so you know. My old pal the registrar.
Maggie: Midsemester grades Mike?
Mike: Hey mum. No need to assume that. Hey, you know Reggie here could be writing about
Jason: Ah Mike, Boner called. "Come over to my house when you get your bad news"." We can
open them together".
Mike: Oh, thanks.
Carol: If those are Mike’s grades, how come you didn’t open them?
Jason: Carol, the letter was not addressed to us. Your brother has his right to privacy.
Carol: Well you could have just held the envelope up to the light.
Maggie and Jason: Yeah, the paper was too thick.
Mike: Alright, you ready?
Boner: I'm ready.
Mike: Read em and weep. Wait, wait! You open mine and I’ll open yours.
Mike: It’s always better to get bad new from a friend.
Mike: How did I do?
Boner: You lucky son of a gun. You aced it. All D's.
Mike: Alright! He he! The Seaver gets by.
Boner: So, how did I do?
Mike: The truth?
Boner: Bunch of F's hu?
Mike: Hey look, now don’t get all upset and freak out like you always do Boner. This will just
blow over like it always does.
Boner: I knew this was going to happen. Call it extra sensory reception.
Mike: Boner, where are you going?
Boner: I got to tell my parents what happened.
Mike: What are you thinking here man? Listen, that’s like walking into an ambush. I mean,
come on, let’s go see a movie or something. You need some time to snap out of this. If you
need to cry, go ahead. I'll look away.
Boner: Mike I’m feeling fine. In fact I’m feeling better by the minute.
Mike: What do you mean you feel better? Come on, you got a bunch of F's. Not that that’s
anything to be ashamed of.
Boner: Its time to see things in a different light now.
Mike: Bone, what’s going on here?
Boner: Sometimes a man's got to do what a man's got to do.
Jason: I still want to offer the thought, Maggie, that we don’t know for a fact that Mikes
grades were bad.
Maggie: Oh honey, you look so cute when you are being foolish and naive.
Jason: I know. I mean about being naive.
Maggie: When’s Mike going to wake up and smell the future?
Jason: Well it’s my dream that someday something's going to hit him. Maybe he'll hear voices
say "Its time Mike, its time". Looking cute again?
Maggie: Adorable. Still Jason, we can’t ignore this. We have to let him know that we are
Jason: I agree, but I don’t think it would do any good yelling at him.'
Maggie: Well I agree.
Jason: Hey Mike. How are you doing?
Maggie: You hungry?
Mike: Mum, dad, I know what you are both thinking here, so I won’t keep you in suspense.
Now mum, you were right. That letter I got in the mail today, was my grades. Can you pass
Mike: The pepper.
Carol: Should Ben and I wait upstairs until you are done yelling at Mike?
Carol: Come on in Ben. We get to watch.
Jason: There's not going to be any yelling.
Ben: Is there going to be any food?
Ben: I'll stay.
Maggie: Come on Mike. Adult to adult. You can tell us what your grades were. And don’t worry,
like your father said, there will be no yelling. We promise.
Ben: I! You got an I! That’s worse than an F.
Mike: For your information I got all D's.
Jason: All D's! All D's, and you're happ....uh hu.
Maggie: Mike, I don’t know what to say.
Carol: Well usually you start with "I'm so disappointed in you".
Ben: And then you say “Mike, aren’t you capable of a lot more?"
Mike: Oh come on guys. You are acting like I failed or something. I got by.
Jason: Ah Mike. Getting by isn’t anything to be proud of. Isn’t getting by getting old?
Mike: Dad, you said you weren’t going to get upset.
Jason: I lied.
Maggie: Mike, we are concerned about your future.
Jason: Sooner or later you got to pick your future before it picks you.
Mike: Look, I’m still thinking about becoming an actor you know. I mean, I doubt that Robert
De Niro's parents would have hassled him if he brought home those grades.
Jason: Well I bet if De Niro were playing a student, he's be getting all A's.
Mike: Not if he were playing me. I mean come on guys. I appreciate you thinking about me
and everything but look. I am a college student who is passing all his courses, has a decent
car and his own apartment. I would say that getting by has done me AOK. Oh, and plus, I
have the love and support of my family.
Maggie: Don’t push it Mike.
Boner: Mikey, mikey, big news! Oh, hello everybody. I was just going to tell Mikey, but seen as
it’s your kitchen, I guess you can hear it too.
Mike: You alright Bone?
Boner: Yeah, never better. Now wait here.
Carol: Don’t do anything gross Boner. We are eating.
Boner: From the holes of Montessori, to the shores of Tripoli. What do you think?
Mike: I think his main engine just went down.
Ben: Where did you get the neat hat?
Boner: As of two pm this afternoon, one pm central, it is official. I am a Marine. I see you are
speechless from the heavyosity of my news.
Mike: You did what?
Boner: I enlisted in the Marines.
Boner: Well I didn’t ask. Ours I hope.
Mike: Boner, are you out of your mind?
Boner: Do I look like I am out of my mind?
Maggie: Not one word Ben.
Boner: Now listen. I got to go home and tell my parents about this. Yours was on my way
home and I couldn’t resist coming in and sharing my joy. Nough said.
Mike: No Boner. That is not nearly nough said.
Boner: Oh, I forgot. As you were.
(At Boner house)
Boner: Hey Mikey. Let me turn this off.
Mike: Hey Bone. Let’s talk about this Marine thing. Alright.
Boner: Sure Mike. I've been wanting to talk to you.
Mike: Now what you said about joining the Marines isn’t like what you said about what you
and Angela Scoffengelio did?
Boner: No, no, no, no. The Marine thing is true.
Mike: Oh no.
Mike: Well maybe there's still hope. You didn’t sign anything did you?
Boner: Well my name.
Mike: Oh no.
Boner: And I took a test.
Mike: That you probably had to pass. Alright, you are out of this deal.
Boner: I passed.
Mike: You passed! Boner, did you have to pick a time like this to pass a test?
Boner: Yep. And in two weeks I leave for basic and beautiful sunny San Diego.
Mike: Oh Bone. Why didn’t you jut think before you ran off and did some crazy thing like this?
Boner: Well Mikey I have been thinking about this. For a long time. And when I got my grades
today I realized what I had to do.
Mike: Well Boner why didn’t you just tell me that you were having these crazy thoughts.
Boner: Well I was going to, but figured you didn’t want to hear about it. See it all started when
Mike: I don’t want to hear about it. Do you have any idea what you are doing? I mean this is
the marines. These are the guys who wake up when it’s dark and run for six miles. I mean
they also carry guns. Do you really want to join an organization that’s going to trust you with
a loaded gun?
Boner: Mikey, I aint going to be anywhere near guns. I signed up for artillery.
Mike: I mean this is stupid even for you.
Boner: You know I expected you to be a little nicer to me about this. You're supposed to be
my best friend.
Mike: Bone I am your best friend. That’s why I am telling you if you join the Marines you are
throwing your life away
Boner: Mikey, I didn’t just join the army or the navy or the National Guard. I joined the
Mike: I should have known you were nuts the first day you showed up without your pants.
Mike: In the first grade. When you showed up in your over coat and your underwear.
Boner: I didn’t forget my pants. My mum dressed me that day. I told you that a hundred
Mike: Come on, there's got to be a way to get you out of this somehow. I got it. My dads a
psychiatrist, he's always saying how you're nuts. We'll just get him to write it down.
Boner: Mikey I don’t want to get out of this.
Mike: Come on Bone, you can’t let a bad report card spook you like this.
Boner: It’s easy for you to say. You got D's.
Mike: Alright, what about your future?
Boner: Mikey, until I joined the marines, I didn’t have a future. In eight weeks I could be
driving a thirty million dollar tank.
Mike: Boner, I couldn’t even teach you a stick shift! Now look, I’m telling you, if you join the
Marines, you are just going to upset your whole life. What did your parents say?
Boner: They cried.
Boner: They said they’d never been prouder of me. You know my dad was a Marine. He said
that’s what’s made him what he is today.
Boners Dad: Time to hit the wrap, Private Stabone.
Boners Mum: Bedtime my little Marine.
Boner: Can I stay a couple more minutes? Me and Mikey are talking.
Boners Dad: Sure, a couple of minutes will be fie.
Boners mum: And how are you tonight Mikey?
Mike: Oh I’m fine. And how are you guys?
Boners dad: Damn fine Mikey. We are just so tickled pink about Richards’s decision. Mrs
Stabone actually wept in her linguini.
Boners Mum: It will be hard not having him around, but what a wonderful thing he's doing, for
himself and for our grateful nation.
Boners Dad: hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We'll wait for you inside Richard.
Boners Mum: Goodnight Mikey.
Boners dad: Goodnight Seaver.
(Parents go in crying)
Boner: Yeah. They are finally calming down.
Mike: Man, they are nuttier than you are.
Boner: Hey mike. That’s a very rude thing to say.
Mike: Rude! Compared to what you are doing to me.
Boner: What am I doing to you?
Mike: Boner look. How do you think that I am supposed to get through the rest of school by
myself? Hu? I mean you are splitting up a great team here. Me with the D's and you with the
Boner: Mike I’m sorry but..
Mike: And you think you can say you're sorry and make everything alright?
Boner: At least I’m picking my future before I let it pick me. I'm sick and tired of just getting
by Mikey. I know what I want to do.
Mike: I never thought I’d hear the day when you agree with my father. But fine, fine fine!
Shave your head and hang around with guy who crawl around on their bellies.
Boner: You know I make one decision in my whole life and my best friend dumps on me. For
the first time in my life I know what I want to do and I know where I’m going. So to heck with
you, I’m going home.
Mike: Boner, you live here.
Boner: Don’t you run your mind games on me Michael Seaver.
Mike: Look Bone, why didn’t you just to me about this.
Boner: I tried to.
Mike: Well obviously not hard enough.
Boner: You know Mikey, just cos I’m going away, it doesn’t mean that we have to stop being
Mike: Yeah well what does it mean?
Boners Dad: Richard! Time to say goodbye to Mikey.
Mike: That’s exactly what it means.
Jason: Phew! I thought for a minute that it was a clumsy burglar.
Mike: I mean Boner actually joined the Marines. Can you believe that dad?
Mike: Yeah. That dweeb leaves for basic and training in two weeks.
Jason: Why, what are you so angry about?
Mike: Haven’t you heard a word I said dad? He just joined the Marines.
Jason: Well shouldn’t it be the Marines who are upset? Come on Mike. I mean I understand
you being upset about your best friend going away, but where is all this anger from?
Mike: Because dad, he's making a big mistake. I mean you should have heard him tonight. I
was pathetic. He was babbling some nonsense about making a decision about what he wants
to do with his life. About picking his future before it picks him.
Jason: Get to the pathetic part mike.
Maggie: I heard all the yelling. What did you do this time Mike?
Jason: Boner really enlisted.
Mike: Yeah. I mean I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t listen to me. I mean do you have any
idea what its like to talk to somebody about their future, and have not a word of what you're
saying sink in?
Jason: No. No. Not me. How about you Mags?
Jason: Mike, have you considered the possibility that Boners decision is a good one for him?
Mike: Oh come on dad. Boner's a quitter. He's a college drop out. And you defend him?
Maggie: Mike, why are you so angry?
Mike: What is with the two of you? Hu? I mean isn’t it obvious? Boner is leaving me and he's
happy about it. And now he's going off raving about how great it is to have found his stupid
Maggie: Finding your future is not a bad thing.
Mike: Oh, so do you want me to go and join the Marines too?
Maggie: No. But it wouldn’t hurt you to think about your future.
Mike: You're acting like Boner's got the jump on me, or something.
Jason: You think he does?
Mike: Boner! Hu! That will be the day.
As you were.
Maggie: Boner. Marine.
Jason: When did these kids become adults Maggie?
Maggie: I don’t know. To me Boner will always be that little kid in the first grade, crying
because he forgot his pants.
Jason: Yeah. Soon he'll be defending our country. God bless America.
Jason: So, where's the station sending you this morning?
Maggie: I don’t know. The assignment desk said it was a surprise.
Carol: You don’t sound happy.
Maggie: Well usually a surprise means something strange.
Maggie: Look at you.
Boner: Yeah. Greens my color, aint it? It’s my dad’s uniform. See, same name and everything.
Boner: Yeah. Well today's the day I leave for basic. My days out in the car waiting to take me
to the airport and I just wanted to stop by before I left to say hey. Hey.
Jason: Oh that’s very thoughtful of you Boner.
Boner: Yeah, well you and Mrs Seaver have been like second parents to me.
Maggie: Oh Boner, that’s so sweet.
Boner: And you Bennie. You've been like a second brother to me. Except I never had a first
Ben: Thanks I guess.
Boner: And Carol, well, why cry over what may have been.
Boner: I know we would have been great together, but I’m sure you'll find somebody else.
Carol: Thank you. I sure hope so.
Boner: So, anyway.
Jason: Yeah, have you already been up to say goodbye to Mike?
Boner: Uh no. Me and Mike aint talking. We had a fight.
Maggie: Oh Boner, if people stop talking to people they care about just because of a fight....
Ben: This house would be a lot quieter.
Maggie: That’s true.
Boner: Yeah well, well, I don’t want to see Mike. I don’t even want to talk to him. Is he home?
Jason: Yeah he should be. He's probably asleep.
Boner: How do you now?
Jason: He's got a class in fifteen minutes.
Mike: Keys. Alright. Boner.
Boner: So, are you on your way to class?
Mike: What day is it today?
Mike: Oh, you're right. I do have a class.
Boner: I didn’t want to bother you. I just want to say goodbye. I'm leaving today.
Mike: Yeah, I know. I was going to come by your house.
Mike: Yeah. I mean, hey. I couldn’t let my buddy leave without at least saying hey. Hey.
Mike: Hey, you know I didn’t think you'd get that suit til after boot camp.
Boner: Oh, this is my dads. He got it in tam.
Mike: Don’t you mean Nam?
Boner: No, no, no. Tam as in Tampot. That’s where he was stationed. That’s his favorite joke.
Mike: It’s a good one.
Boner: Yeah. Now I want to show the other Marines that Private Richard Stabone is ready. You
know the motto "Be prepared".
You know it’s nice to see you and not be arguing Mike.
Mike: Yeah. Yeah you know, I’ve been thinking Bone and you know, if you are really this
serious about this dumb thing..
Boner: It’s not a dumb thing.
Mike: Hey. Look, let’s not go through that again. You're my friend and I want to ay goodbye.
Boner: Fine. Goodbye.
Mike: Look Boner. I'm sorry.
Boner: Me too Mikey. Well, I guess I’ll see you later.
Mike: Yeah. I'll see you later.
Boner: It’s my dad. Got to go.
Mike: Hey, well I’ll, I’ll walk you down the stairs. So what've you been doing the last couple of
Boner: Well I’ve been getting ready, you know working out and running those six miles
Boner: Thing is I get so tired, I usually need a ride back.
Mike: Why don’t you just run three miles one way and then...well good. Running's good.
Boner: I feel so great about this whole thing.
Mike: Yeah. You're not nervous?
Boner: No. For the first time in my whole life I feel that tomorrow is going to be different.
Better. The best. I'm not going to just be Boner anymore. I'm going to be Private Richard
Mike: Yeah well, you know Boner, I think you are doing the right thing.
Boner: Thanks Mikey. Me too.
Mike: Hey, you're going to write me?
Boner: Oh sure. Where do you live?
Mike: Right here.
Boner: No, I mean your address.
Mike: Fifteen Robinhood Lane. You know that.
Boner: Hey, it’s been thirteen years and I never had to write you.
Mike: Yeah. You could just come by.
Boner: Well basics is over in two months, and then I get a three day furlough.
Mike: Alright, I can’t wait.
Boner: Yeah, we can hang out and goof around. I'll be happy to waste time with you then.
Mike: Ah yeah.
Boner: Like the good old days.
Mike: You bet ya.
Boner: Yeah, you can’t kill a friendship like ours with a stick.
Mike: Not even with a big stick.
Mike: Well I guess I’ll see you later.
Boner: Yeah. See you later. I'll walk you back to your steps.
Mike: Alright. Great.
Boner: Yeah. So. See you later.
Mike: Hey, I’ll walk you halfway down the driveway.
Boners dad: Lets go, you little jarhead.
Boner: I'd better go. I hear the Marines frown on tardiness.
Mike: Good luck Bone.
Boner: You too Mikey.
Mike: Hey Bone, you know how the marines say that they are looking for a few good men?
Mike: Well now they got one less good man to look for.
Boner: Fifteen Robinhood Lane. Got it.
Mike: Yeah, I know you do Bone. Knock em dead.
Boner: Not at boot camp. We only practice.
Mike: You know what I mean.
(Jason’s voice in Mikes head): Sooner or later you have to pick your future, before it picks
(Boners voice in Mikes head): Hey, I’m picking my future before it picks me.
Mike: Its time Mike. Its time.