Growing Pains 409
Carol: This baby-care schedule really stinks.
Ben: You gonna eat your cereal?
Carol: No. This doesn't bother you?
Ben: Not if I don't use your spoon.
Mike: Morning house dwellers! And cave dweller. Hey, listen, did Mom leave for work yet?
Carol: What do you care?
Mike: Well, you know, this being her first day back at work and away from the baby, I predict
this being one of those sappy, tear filled scenes, that I for one... Mom! Dad! Good morning!
Jason: Mike! I'm sure you're gonna feel rotten at first. You're gonna feel like you're
abandoning your baby. Yes, you're gonna feel, I'm a terrible mother!!!
Maggie: Oh Jason.
Jason: I'm sorry, I've gone too far. I'm sorry.
Maggie: I'll be OK, just give me a minute.
Jason: Hey, we've been planning our schedule for days, it's gonna go like clock-work. Look at
this; I got a big board made up and everything. Alright, attention please! What's gonna
happen when I'm with patients in the afternoon? Show of hands. Carol Seaver!!
Carol: I get out of school at two thirty, I then come straight home and attend to my only
sister's every need.
Jason: Yes!!! And when Carol can't get right home, Mike Seaver!
Mike: My dog ate my homework sir.
Mike: Alright, I get stuck with Chris. I mean, I'll take care of Chris. Mom, listen, you can count
on me to do whatever it takes, to make sure that that little tyke is healthy, happy and gurgling
Jason: And on those days when Mike can't make it, for reasons that are hopefully
school-related, or legal, Ben Seaver.
Ben: I'll do it. I just hope that when it's my turn to change Chrissy's diapers, there's not a
bullet in the chamber.
Jason: Thank you Ben, for that heart-felt sentiment. Maggie, you see, we're all in this together.
Things are gonna work out great, sweetheart.
Maggie: Oh, you're right. Besides, you'll be here the whole time too, and the baby should
sleep most of the day anyway. Oh, thanks honey. Thanks kids!!
Mike: See you later Mom
Carol and Ben: Bye Mom!!!
Mike: Goodbye, good luck!!
Jason: Bye Mom.
Maggie: I'll be back before she knows I'm gone. (Baby cries) She knows.
Colleague: Oh hi. Here, fill these out, and get them back to me by noon. Oh, but before you
do, Mr. Slivervich would like to see you.
Maggie: And I was worried nobody would miss me.
Colleague: Sure we missed you Mary.
Maggie: It's Maggie. I gave up spending time with my baby for this.
Office workers: Surprise!!!!
Maggie: I love you guys! Oh, I missed you!
(on the phone)
Maggie: I'd forgotten how hectic things could be around here. The pressures, the deadlines,
the office politics...
Jason: Hey Maggie, if I'd known things would got this smoothly with the baby, I would have
kicked you out years ago.
Maggie: Honey, that's so sweet.
Carol: Right now Carol's on her way home and my three o' clock hyperkinetic won't be here for
another half hour, so you just relax, enjoy being back.
Maggie: Oh sweetheart, did I ever tell you that you're terrific?
Policeman: Not in so many words, but...
Jason: I love you.
Maggie: I wasn't talking to you.
Jason: Then who do you think is so terrific?
Maggie: You Jason, don't be silly.
Jason: I'm glad I called. (puts the phone down) Alright Mr. Bombazi, hyperkinetic, two tense,
goes too fast, way too... (baby cries) Daddy's coming, Chrissy. Daddy's coming. (door bell
rings) Of course, my hyperkinetic's early. Yoww, easy baby. Easy Bombazi, easy! Easy!
(on the phone to Carol)
Jason: Hey Carol, look, I really need to find Debby. No, Debby, I need to find Carol, yeah.
Err...no she's supposed to be home a half an hour ago and... Carol Seaver, yes I'm trying to
find her. I did say that in the first place. Yeah...I... Mike! Mike! Hey, Mike!
Mike: Dad, Dad, it's not fair...
Jason: I need you to take Chris.
Mike: Dad, look, look, Dad, I know about babes, not babies.
Jason: Yeah, well I've got...I've got a patient in my office, now look... Look, there you see, she
Mike: Women. What if she starts crying?
Jason: Sing to her.
Mike: And if that doesn't work?
Jason: Feed her.
Mike: And what if she still keeps crying?
Jason: Burp her.
Mike: Hey! I don't know nothing about burping no baby.
Jason: Frankly Mike, I don't give a damn. Now come on, I haven't got time to stand here and
argue with you. Carol's not here, you're next in succession, and I got to be with this patient.
Ben: Hey Mike.
Mike: Yeah. Hey Ben, where the heck have you been?
Mike: You know Dad is really ticked off! Carol ducked out of Chris duty.
Mike: Yeah. And you're supposed to be filling in. Now I've been covering for you.
Ben: You're supposed to take over when Carol's not here; it's on the big board.
Mike: Oh, come on Ben! You know no-one can read the big board but Dad. It's your turn.
There you go, no need to thank me Benny, after all, what are brothers for? Oh, and you might
want to check if she needs to...err...you know...
Ben: Hey Stink, what are you doing here?
Stink: I don't know. My stupid parents bought this stupid gift for Chris. I don’t see why I
should get stuck delivering it. It really weird...
Ben: Stay! Wait up. What’s your hurry? Come on. Sit. Relax. Want to hold my sister Chris?
Stinky: why not.
Slivervich: Maggie. I need you to cover a breaking story.
Slivervich: Yes now. That’s why it’s called a breaking story.
Maggie: I'm sorry Mr. Slivervich, I can't. I've got to get back to my baby.
Slivervich: Oh, is he sick?
Maggie: She. No, it’s my turn on the big board to relieve Jason.
Slivervich: The big board?
Maggie: Ah, yes, yes Mr. Slivervich. I'm sorry, but I can’t. I uh...
Slivervich: Say no more. I'd like to have had a reporter in this hostage situation, but I
understand. I mean, when it’s your turn on the old big board, it’s your turn. Walf, how would
you like to be a reporter?
Policeman: Well it has always been my dream.
Policeman: Can I bring my gun?
Maggie: Ok, I’ll do it.
Policeman: Ok, I won’t bring my gun.
Jason: Yes, look, excuse me for a minute. You just go ahead.
Patient: It’s Ok, slow down, slow down. You got to slow down. He hates me by the way. Did I
Stinky: Oh, hi Doctor Seaver, this is a gift from my mum and dad. They said it helps fathers
can share the nursing process.
Jason: Uh hu.
Stinky: It’s kind of nice.
Jason: So damn clear. And how was your day?
Maggie: Are you still talking to me? Jason?
Maggie: I'm thinking.
Maggie: Was it that bad?
Jason: Well I had to cancel all my appointments for the rest of the day. I got six loaded
chambers. And to stop it all off, I found Stinky Sullivan breast feeding our baby. Trust me, you
don’t want to know about it.
Maggie: Well where are the kids? I thought the kids were going to help.
Jason: Yeah, so did I. look at this, every name in its own colour. Every hour a corresponding
colour. No clashes.
Maggie: It’s a beautiful board.
Jason: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maggie: Where are the kids?
Jason: I think they are upstairs at Mikes place. Waiting for you to come home. They are hiding.
They thought with you as a witness, maybe I won’t kill them. Little do they know, the thought
of prison doesn’t bother me.
Carol: Mum, I know I should have phoned to say I was going to be late, but I knew Mike was
home and ....
Kids: talking at the same time.
Mike: aren’t you going to tell us to shut up? Aren’t you at least going to blame somebody? Oh
come on. Aren’t you going to yell?
Ben: I'm going to my room. This is too spooky.
Mike: Alright, alright. We get the picture. They're grounded and I get no cable this month. Fine,
no cable for two months. And I’m going to leave right this minute before its three. How about
a couple of hot heads!
Maggie: Jason, what do we do?
Jason: Well I think its time we talked about a concept that we've never really given a fair
Maggie: Oh Jason, we can’t leave the kids and run off to Jamaica.
Jason: I never thought of that.
Maggie: I was kidding.
Jason: Well I think that we should be hiring someone to come in here in afternoons, and help
I know we always said that we didn’t want a stranger to raise Chris, but I don’t think that a
couple of hours of light house work and baby sitting in the afternoon is exactly raising. What
do you think?
Jason: Well what?
Maggie: Jason, maybe I should just stay home.
Jason: Honey, come on. That's fatigue and emotions talking. You know how important your
Maggie: I just wanted to make sure you knew it too. Oh honey, where do we get someone to
do this? I mean it sounds like a tough job to fill.
Jason: Yeah, especially with minimum wage.
Maggie: Who said anything about minimum wage?
Jason: Me. Come on honey, we're not the first couple to face this. I'll call some friends, we'll
look in the newspaper, we find some agencies, we'll set up interviews. We'll meet these
Maggie: Ok. How about Friday?
Jason: No, I’m booked solid Friday. How about Thursday?
Maggie: Can't. Wednesday.
Jason: No. No way Wednesday. How about Tuesday?
Maggie: This is Tuesday.
Jason: So that’s out.
Maggie: Jason, by the time both of us get the chance to interview these people, Chris will be
in college. Honey, why don’t you just handle it?
Jason: We both should.
Maggie: Now, I trust your judgment. After all, you did choose a great wife.
Jason: Maybe I just got lucky.
Maggie: Oh, it’s not worth it. Oh, Jason. Oh Cornish game and hen.
Julie: Dum dee dee dee dum dee (singing)
Maggie: Oh Hello.
Julie: Hello. Oh, that must be Mrs. Seaver. Maggie Malone from news nineteen. Wow.
Maggie: Thank you. Who are you?
Julie: Oh yeah. I'm Julie Costello. Dr Seaver hired me to help out with the baby and
Maggie: Oh he didn’t mention anything to me on the phone.
Julie: Oh, he's so sweet. He wanted to surprise you with me.
Maggie: well he did.
So my husband interviewed and hired you all today?
Julie: That’s right.
Maggie: Well, that happened very quickly.
Julie: I know.
Maggie: I'm surprised.
Julie: Me too. I mean on the phone he said that he couldn't make a decision today, but after
we met he asked if I could start this afternoon.
Julie: I better run. Now Chrissy's asleep in her room.
Julie: And dinner will be ready in just a few minutes.
Maggie: You cooked dinner.
Julie: Uh hu. I'll be back tomorrow at two. And tell Jase goodbye from me.
Julie: Oh, well that’s what he wants me to call him. I don’t feel very comfortable doing it,
Maggie: Mags will be fine.
Jason: Maggie, you're home. Darn.
Jason: Yeah well, I had a little surprise for you.
Maggie: I met her.
Jason: Oh yeah. Great. Isn’t she great? She's a bundle of energy. Every time I came out of the
office today, she was doing something different.
Maggie: So she's a regular miracle worker, hey Jase?
Jason: Well she did part the clothes on Ben’s floor. So how was day two at work?
Maggie: Don’t try to change the subject with me Jason Seaver.
Jason: Pardon me?
Maggie: No I come home exhausted from work and find you've hired someone all on your
Maggie: What's going on here?
Jason: I'm not sure. Well we can talk about it over dinner. Cornish game hen.
Ben: Where's Julie?
Jason: She just left.
Ben: Oh nuts.
Maggie: What’s wrong?
Ben: We were going to exercise together.
Jason: Ben you hate exercise.
Ben: Not anymore.
Jason: Uh. I think that cute.
Maggie: So is Julie.
Maggie: Hi Carol.
Carol: Bye mum.
Maggie: Don’t spoil your appetite with this gourmet dinner waiting.
Carol: Oh Julie already cooked dinner for us. It was great.
Jason: Carol, you know, someone has cooked a good meal or two around here before Julie.
Carol: I'm sorry, that was very insensitive of me. Dad, you're a wonderful cook too.
Jason: You're going to feel a lot better after a good meal. Come on honey. Now don’t get
carried away. You are just as needed around here as you ever were.
Mike: Oh hi mum. Listen, did you meet that outrageous fox that dad hired? Know what, she
even did my laundry for me. Finally things are running right around here.
Jason: Hi. Well if you don’t want the Cornish Game Hen, you should at least have this. Bad
day at work?
Wo. You know all this exercise is really paying off. You are going to have your old figure back
in no time. Half way through that sentence I knew I was a dead man.
Maggie: Look, I know I don’t have my pre-baby figure back,
Jason: Oh honey, I love you no matter how big ...no, no, no.
Maggie: Jason, have you ever thought about jogging?
Jason: I do jog.
Maggie: I meant now.
Jason: Maggie, why is it, for some reason, I get the sense that you don’t like Julie?
Maggie: Oh, look out Creskin.
Jason: I just don’t understand it. I mean she's a soft more at Columbia University, majoring in
child psychology; she practically raised five brothers single handedly. The agent that sent her
over couldn’t say enough nice things about her and the moment she picked Chrissy up,
Chrissy stopped crying.
Maggie: And that impressed you.
Maggie: Jason, are you telling me that you didn’t notice her looks at all?
Jason: Of course I did.
Maggie: Hu! Why don’t you admit it? You like beautiful women.
Jason: Maggie, I did not take this decision lightly. I interviewed a ton of people today.
Maggie: A ton. How many?
Maggie: Oh, so that makes Julie and, uh, three very large women.
Jason: Maggie, if I were hiring strictly on looks, I would have taken the second woman I saw.
Maggie: Well you had quite a day.
Jason: I thought we decided last night that I would handle this Maggie. I can’t help it if I got
lucky with Julie.
Jason: You know what...I thought you'd be happy that I found someone who's so, so..
Maggie: Young and pretty.
Jason: Well clearly I misjudged the way you'd react to Julie.
Maggie: Bingo Jase.
Jason: Oh come on. This cant all be about the way she looks. Is everything alright at work?
Maggie: Well it’s about time you asked.
Jason: Oh I did ask Maggie. The first time..oh.Ok, you're right.
Maggie: Jason, do you have any idea what its like going back to work, going back to work
three months behind where I started from. Which was fifteen years behind to begin with. And
did you realise that the word baby pops up every three point two minutes? The camera man
was putting his camera on his tripod, and he said "this baby is sure heavy" and I started to cry.
And then I come home and I’m told I don’t need to do anything. I'm told things haven’t ever
run better. And then I find that the kitchen table is eleven and five inches further away from
Jason: I'm sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you'd be so insecure.
Maggie: I am not insecure. What I am is forty years old. Ten pounds over weight, and
incredibly tired. And I am not insecure.
Jason: Sweetheart, come here. I am going to do anything I possibly can to make you feel
Jason: Of course. I mean it.
Maggie: Oh Jason, that’s so sweet, that’s so sweet. Thank you. And I’ll help you find Julies
Jason: You want me to fire Julie? Honey that is not fair.
Maggie: Well I just think that we can find somebody better. Someone with more experience.
Jason: Mr. Belvedere already has his own show.
Maggie: And I think we can do a whole lot better if we pay above minimum wage.
Jason: Hey, well, Julie gets a little more than minimum wage.
Maggie: A little more.
Jason: We can’t be cheap skates when it comes to child care. I think you'll like her if you just
get to know her a little bit. You haven’t given her a fair shake.
Maggie: And I sure hope you haven't.
Jason: Yeah right, Maggie, if you feel that strongly about this, Julie is gone. But you're going
to be the one to look her right in the eye and tell her she's fired.
Maggie: Fine! Make me the heavy.
Mike: Hey Ben, look. If you dragged me down here to just to see mum on the news, I got
news. I'm not interested.
Ben: You will be. Sit down. Julie, mums on!
Julie: Oh I'm glad you called me.
Julie: What’s this rattle doing down here again?
Mike: I'm glad you called me too.
Julie: Shh! She's o.
Maggie on TV: And the land lord said regardless of the building code, he will be using these
razor sharp coils until, and I quote "these screwy pigeons go home where they belong”. This is
Maggie Malone for news nineteen. Back to you Luke.
Luke on TV: Maggie, speaking of going home, did the landlord have any thoughts as to where
these pigeons should go? Uh Maggie? Maggie?
Maggie: Oh Good. You are still here.
Julie: Yeah, just finishing up.
Maggie: Can you drop my husband’s shorts please. I mean can we sit and talk.
Julie: Sure. What’s on your mind?
Maggie: I should just say this as quickly as I can.
Julie: Oh I'm in no hurry.
Maggie: Well I am. Julie, you're a sophomore, right?
Julie: Uh hu.
Maggie: Well what I want to say is...
Julie: But I may not graduate in two years. I've been thinking about changing my psych major.
Maggie: Uh hu. See well the thing is that I...
Maggie: What about it?
Julie: Well that’s what I’m thinking of switching to.
Maggie: Good. Well back to my point. See.... You're thinking of switching from Psychology to
Julie: Uh hu.
Maggie: Well I did the same thing.
Maggie: Yeah. But I didn’t do it til the first semester of my junior year. See after I got a taste
of journalism, I was hooked.
Julie: Print or TV news?
Maggie: No, my first love is print, but since I’ve been on the air I’m starting to think that this
could really be my....
Maggie: Oh, I’m off my point.
Julie: sorry. We can talk about this later.
Maggie: Uh hu. Julie, let me start this another way. See sometimes you can do all the right
things on a job, and just because you happen to be who you are, you can make the people
who hired you....
Julie: Excuse me. That’s the soufflé.
Maggie: Perfect. Can we forget the soufflé for now?
Julie: Sorry, you were saying?
Maggie: I'm not sure.
Julie: You said "sometimes you can do all the right things on a job, and just because you are
who you are, people can.....Ding! Do I have the makings of a good reporter or what? There's
something wrong, isn’t there?
Maggie: You've got the makings of a psychologist too.
Julie: That’s what Jase told me.
Maggie: Now I remember my point.
Julie: So this is about your husband?
Maggie: I hope not. I mean no.
Julie: He talks about you all the time.
Maggie: He does?
Julie: Maggie holds Chrissy this way to quiet her. Did Maggie call while I was with a patient?
Maggie would never let Mike get away with that. I'll tell you, I think he really misses you now
that you're back at work.
Maggie: Do you think?
Julie: Between us, I think he's a little jealous.
Maggie: Of what.
Julie: I mean, he has to share you with the whole city. Most men would be too insecure to
share their wives.
Maggie: Most women too.
Julie: Pardon me?
Maggie: Insecurities can drive you crazy. So I’ve heard.
Julie: Boy, a husband like that, your family, dream job. You've got it all. I didn’t think it was
Maggie: Neither did I.
Julie: I'm sorry. I changed the subject again. You were going to say?
Maggie: You are fired.
Maggie: Just kidding.