Growing Pains 407
Carol: Mom, Dad, it's a very generous offer, but, I don't I don't need to look over the dorms of
Boston College to...to convince me. I've already made my decision, and I know where I want
to go next year...Columbia University, in near by and convenient Manhattan. You're not too
disappointed, are you?
Ben: Heck no! Anything that gets you out of the house is fine with me.
Carol: Mom, Dad, it's a very generous offer, but I don't need to look over the dorms of Boston
College to convince me. I've already made my decision, and I...I know where I want to go
Jason and Carol: Yes!!
Jason: Alright Carol, you're not gonna regret this. You're gonna love B C as much as both of us
did. And you thought we were putting too much pressure on her. Ha! And she made the
decision on her own.
Carol: Well, speaking of pressure...
Maggie: Da da!
Carol: What's that?
Maggie: The admission's application for Boston College, I took the liberty of...
Jason: Hello! Let's fill that sucker out!
Carol: Well, Dad, have you ever thought of the possibility that I just might not get accepted?
Maggie: Yeah, right. Honey, with your grades and two distinguished alumni as parents, your
application and interview are just formalities.
Jason: Yeah, and if you don't want to make the trip, they'll send somebody up to meet you
and meet us.
Maggie: Of course. But, it's just a formality.
Jason: Hey, Ben, wait till you hear the news. Carol's gonna be going to the same college your
Mom and I went to.
Ben: Anything that gets her out of the house is fine with me.
Carol: Mike, Mom and Dad went to Boston College; they met there, they fell in love there,
they did God-knows-what there... I mean, if you'd just seen there faces, you'd know how
impossible it would have been to disappoint them.
Mike: Hey, it's never been a problem for me.
Carol: And once I've been accepted, it'll be, "Carol, just try it for one semester." Then, they'll
say, "ha, might as well get your undergrad degree", then, "why not your PHD."
Mike: Hey, anything to get you out of the house, is fine with me.
Carol: Yeah. I might as well accept the inevitable. The application's mailed and the interview is
Mike: Hey, I think I've got a way out.
Carol: Tell me! Tell me!
Mike: Alright, this interview deal, you could flunk it by belching and smelling bad and stuff.
You need any more ideas, you know where I live.
Maggie: Hi, honey.
Mike: Hi Mom.
Maggie: Oh, a sandwich would be nice.
Carol: Ma, can I talk to you about the Boston College decision?
Maggie: Oh, your dad and I just can't stop talking about it either.
Carol: Ah, well, see...
Maggie: You know, honey, when you were two, we took you with us to a BC reunion. I actually
changed your diapers smack dab in the middle of the quad.
Maggie: You know, and your dad and I looked out over that campus, and we dreamed this day
would come...and it's finally here. You've come along way from that dirty diaper. Oh Carol! I'm
sorry, what did you want to tell me?
Carol: Don't forget the mustard.
Maggie: Oh, right, thanks honey.
Ben: Aha. I got it. I got it. Hey, I'm a kid, not an idiot. No, that's not an attitude, that's the
way I feel. Good bye, yourself. Hey, Carol, some guy just called for you; says he's coming over
at seven, if that's OK.
Carol: Tonight? Some guy?
Ben: Yeah, says he's from Boston College.
Carol: Alright, don't tell anybody about this call. OK?
Ben: Don't worry.
Jason: Hi, who was the phone for?
Ben: Oh, some guy for Carol...err...it was a wrong number.
Jason: He asked for Carol, and it was the wrong number?
Ben: Sure! What guy would call Carol on purpose?
Maggie: Carol, don't forget, you're making dinner for yourself and Ben tonight.
Carol: You're not going to be here tonight?
Maggie: No, we're going to our Lamars re-union, remember? We want to show you off Chrissy.
Carol: So, you're not going to be here! Great!
Jason: Don't be so thrilled carol, we are coming back.
Carol: Mike, I need your help.
Mike: I know, but I don't do electrolysis. Oh, boy, I break me up.
Carol: Mike, the recruiter from Boston College is coming over tonight to interview me.
Mike: What recruiter?
Carol: The one I told you about last week. Now, I figured a plan out, but you have got to help
Mike: Why have I got to help you?
Carol: Because! Because you're my brother and you love me. Because you're a scum bucket
and I'll give you twenty Bucks.
Mike: Done deal. Alright, what's your plan?
Carol: Well, actually you gave me the idea when you said I should blow the interview by
belching and smelling bad.
Mike: (sniffing) OK, but can you belch?
Carol: Mike, listen, OK? Right, now, Mom and Dad are going out tonight, OK? So, when this
recruiter guy gets here, I'll act like a complete fool, blow the interview, and presto, I'm off to
Mike: Alright, Carol!! You know it saddens me to think of what a sleazemeister you could have
been, if you'd only applied yourself when you were young.
Carol: Thank you. Now, your part in this plan, is very very very very simple.
Mike: Well, it better be for a measly twenty Bucks.
Carol: Ok, you get two people to pretend they're Mom and Dad.
Carol: Well, the recruiter has to meet them doesn't he? Alright, now I'll meet you downstairs
in an hour.
Mike: Hey, wow wow wow wow wow! Come on, you expect me to go out and get a whole new
set of parents in an hour. I couldn't do that in a day...I've tried.
Carol: You're right. Who am I kidding? This is impossible.
Mike: Of course for a forty Bucks, the impossible is possible.
Maggie: OK, now we should be back from the Lamars re-union in a couple of hours.
Jason: Or, whenever we run out of video tape; whichever comes sooner.
Maggie: Jason, could you give me a hand here please.
Jason: Oh, sure, like I have nothing to carry!
Carol: Well, you guys have fun now.
Jason: Somebody's making my tuna fiesta.
Ben: Come on you guys, you know how I hate Spanish food.
Carol: Well, actually Ben, it's not Spanish, it's Mexican.
Ben: Oh, well pop my pi?ata!
Carol: Have fun. Here you go. Here.
Maggie: You're complaining about what you're carrying, when I carried Chrissy for nine
Mike: Hey, listen, is the coast clear?
Carol: Mike, where have you been? Did you find...
Mike: Carol, say hello to Doctor and Mrs. Jason Seaver. Ta da!!
Fred: Hi, my real name's Fred.
Wilma: I'm Wilma, and save it...save it! We don't have a daughter named Pebbles.
Carol: Mike, these people are supposed to be our parents!
Mike: I didn't have a whole lot of time, remember?
Wilma: Ooooh! Nice place we got here!
Carol: Mike, a word!
Mike: Excuse us.
Fred: Certainly. You wouldn't have any sherry would you?
Carol: Mike, maybe...maybe we can clean Fred up and put one of Dad's suits on him, but
Wilma has no teeth.
Wilma: Hey! I got teeth. I just didn't bring 'em with me, that's all.
Mike: Look, there's been a change of plans here tonight, OK? Guys, it turns out that we're only
gonna need Fred for this thing.
Fred: What do I always tell ya? Wear your teeth.
Mike: Listen, Fred, Fred, why don't we go and take you upstairs, and...errm...get you cleaned
up and then I'll coach you on what to say.
Fred: What are you looking for...performance wise? (He belches)
Wilma: Ha! This is Tuna Fiesta.
Carol: Mike, it's show time.
Recruiter: Hi, Bill Jefferson, Boston College.
Carol: Hi, Carol Seaver. Please come in.
Recruiter: Thank you. I apologise for the short notice, but...err...I was on Long Island on
personal business and when the admissions office called and said they'd received your sterling
application, why don't I work you in. So here I am.
Carol: Yep, here you are.
Recruiter: May I say that we at BC are thrilled that someone of your academic caliber has
Carol: Oh, right. Please excuse the way I'm dressed, I'm working later.
Recruiter: So...err... I'm anxious to meet your parents.
Carol: Well, only my Dad's gonna be here, my Mom as you know is a news reporter and she's
out of town on a story.
Recruiter: Oh, I understand. All the news, it's fit to print, right?
Carol: Actually, it's television news.
Recruiter: Oh, well, if you don't tell anybody, neither will I. I present to you Boston College. Mr.
Jefferson, my father. Oh, wow, Doctor Seaver, it's a pleasure. I see your still wearing the
Boston College colours.
Fred: Oh yeah. Say, can I get you a sherry?
Recruiter: No thank you.
Fred: Great; more for me.
Carol: And this is my brother, Mike.
Mike: Hey, yo! What's up?
Recruiter: So, Doctor Seaver, I understand that you're a psychiatrist.
Fred: Err...yeah, you better believe it.
Recruiter: I see, I'm sorry your wife won't be joining us this evening.
Fred: Oh yes, I'm sick about the fact that Micky can't be here.
Recruiter: Micky? Isn't that Maggie?
Fred: Err...Yeah, Micky's just my pet name for her when we're in the sack.
Recruiter: Err...well Carol...err...let me begin by saying that you're high school grades are
nothing more than spectacular.
Carol: Thank you.
Mike: Hey, and can you believe she got those six straight As after missing six whole months
because of reform school.
Recruiter: Reform school?
Carol: A little misunderstanding over a knife.
Recruiter: Err...well Carol, what would you say is your number one reason for wanting to
attend Boston College?
Carol: Ah, well that's easy. See, I could never really cut it in a real Ivy League college like
Harvard or Yale; so figure, why not cruise through BC?
Mike: Heck, if it's as easy as my pop says it is, then heck, sign me up too.
Recruiter: Doctor Seaver, is this what you told Carol Boston College is like?
Fred: Well, to tell you the truth Bob, I don't remember much about the actual classes; me and
Maggie were pretty much into discovering our bodies back then.
Ben: Dad, I did it. I did it. Just like you told me to.
Fred: Adda boy! Er, er, er..
Ben: Man! I punched the snot out of that little kid. I think I even knocked Carol: couple of
teeth loose. Isn’t that great dad?
Mike: Just like you say, right pop?
Fred: Oh right. Right. Like I always tell you son. Never be scared to second punch someone,
just cos they are a girl in a lower grade. Now get the hell out of here, you little scum bum. Hey,
Listen, if you've got any problems getting the little girl in, say the word and I’ll slip you a
couple of C notes.
Fred: Alright. Three hundred bucks then.
Recruiter: Young lady, I hope you made applications to other colleges, because the odds of
you coming to B.C are zero. Zilch. Zip. Good evening.
Fred: Was it something I said?
Mike and Carol: Yeah!
Carol: we did it, we did it!
Mike: Alright! Fred you were great. Woo hoo! Alright!
Fred: Now, I uh, believe there was some talk of twenty bucks.
Carol: I'll go get it right now.
Mike: alright, its upstairs. Come on. Dad!
Jason: Who are you?
Fred: Uh, uh, me?
Mike: Uh, this is, uh, Dr. Jefferson. The recruiter from Boston College.
Carol: I'd like you to meet my father, Jason Seaver.
Fred: And your name is?
Jason: I'm, uh, Jason Seaver.
Fred: Oh. Oh!
Mike: Yeah, Dr Jefferson was waiting to start the interview till you guys got here.
Jason: Nobody knew about this?
Mike: Oh well Ben took the message. And well, he messed it up again, as usual.
Fred: Little scum bum.
Mike: So listen, why don’t you guys go and take the baby stuff upstairs, and we'll get this
Jason: Alright. We'll be right down doctor.
Maggie: Yes, just give me a moment to put the baby down. Whys are you dressed like that?
Carol: To, um, make the tuna fiesta more festive.
Fred: So lay that twenty on me, and I’ll just be moseying on.
Mike: Listen. Fred, Fred, how would you like to double your money for another part? A college
Fred: A challenging dual role! Ok.
Carol: Mike, do you think this is wise?
Mike: What else do you want to do, hu? You want to tell them the truth? Look mum and dad
are expecting an interview, so we're going to give them an interview. You are going to get a
rejection letter. We already took care of that, so this way mum and dad are none the wiser
and you get to go to Columbia.
Fred: I hear all of South America is just lovely.
Jason: I wanted to wear my Boston College blazer today.
Maggie: No you wouldn't. It has gravy on the sleeve.
Jason: No one would notice.
Maggie: I would.
Jason: Well I wanted to wear my Boston College blazer today, but wiser heads prevailed.
Maggie: Hi, I'm ..
Fred: Micky, I know.
Maggie: No, Maggie.
Fred: Well isn’t Micky his pet name for you?
Jason: No. No it isn’t.
Fred: Hu, I could have sworn I heard that somewhere. Well whatever. Nice to meet you.
Jason: So doctor, can I get you anything?
Fred: Uh, a sherry would be lovely.
Jason: Great. Sherry. Sherry.
Maggie and Fred together: In the cabinet.
Carol: Probably, just a lucky guess.
Jason: Sorry, I’m all out. Can I get you something else?
Fred: Ah sure.
Fred: Like you said, anything else.
Maggie: So, doctor Jefferson, is it normal to schedule these interviews on such short notice?
Fred: Uh, normal?
Mike: Uh, oh yeah yeah mum, see Doctor Jefferson said that, uh, he was just in town on
personal business when the school called him and asked if he could schedule Carol in.
Carol: Yes, yes. Is that so hard to believe?
Maggie: It isn’t honey. Just relax.
Fred: well, lets get started. Ahhhh! Well, uh, anyway Carol, I have to tell you, as a straight A
student, that this interview is just a formality. Especially with two distinguished graduates as
parents. Uh, Jason, I understand you are a proctologist?
Jason: Uh, psychiatrist.
Fred: Oh, that’s very different. Uh Carol, what’s your number one reason for wanting to attend
Maggie: Uh, Isn't it Boston College?
Fred: Well its obvious that you haven’t read the alumni fliers. We are expanding into a full
university. Carol, go on.
Carol: Well, I hear that the course work is very challenging, and that the academics are
stressed over by social activities.
Fred: Uh hu. Um, have you thought about a major yet?
Carol: Well actually I was planning on...
Fred: Let me guess. You are going to follow in your old mans footsteps and study, uh,
Fred: Excuse me. I believe this is Carol’s interview. OK?
Jason: Well excuse me, but I’m finding the whole tone of this interview to be, unusual to say
Carol: Doctor Jefferson, if you don’t have anymore questions, I have taken up enough of your
time. It was a pleasure meeting you.
Fred: Doctor Seaver, if you want to see your daughter get in , no problemo, I’ve got a way to
go. A couple of Carol: notes, right in my pocket.
Fred: Alright. A hundred bucks then.
Jason: I beg your pardon.
Fred: Ok. I'll take five.
Jason: Listen, I don’t know what...
Fred: whatever you got in your pocket.
Ben: Hey, what are you still doing here?
Jason: Don’t anybody move. Something very strange is going on around here, and I’m going
to find out what it is. Now I know I’ve missed the last few college reunions, but I know that
my old school hasn’t become a place...
Recruiter: I rushed to get out of this nut house, forgot my pop up.
Jason: Who are you?
Recruiter: Excuse me. And frankly doctor Seaver, I am personally going to speak to the
regions about this repulsive display.
Maggie: Doctor Seaver!
Jason: That’s not doctor Seaver. I'm doctor Seaver. Now who the hell are you?
Recruiter: Bill Jefferson from Boston College.
Maggie: No you are not. He is. Aren’t you?
Jason: That wouldn’t be gravy on your sleeve, would it?
Fred: Oh gravy. Could be.
Jason: Carol, I cant believe that you went to all that trouble, just because you were afraid to
tell us that you didn’t want to go to the same school that your mum and I went to.
Carol: Me either.
Maggie: Jason, I told you that you were putting far too much pressure on her.
Carol: HE put too much pressure on me! Mum, when you told me that you took me to Boston
College and changed my diaper right in the quad, and you got all weepy, I was afraid of
breaking your heart.
Jason: Oh Carol, come on, are you implying that your mother and I created an atmosphere in
which you could not tell us how you felt?
Carol: I'm not implying it. I'm flat out saying it.
Maggie: So you went through this whole charade just so you wouldn’t hurt our feelings?
Carol: Yes. And if you look at it in that light. My deception was, was an act of love.
Maggie: Don’t push it.
Carol: Yes mam.
Jason: Well I cant believe that we were putting all that pressure on Carol and didn’t even
Maggie: Yeah. Chrissy, you can go to any college you choose. You don’t have to pick the best
one in the nation, Boston College.
Jason: Nice Maggie.
Wilma: Yoo who! Your tuna fiesta was delish.
Jason: Who are you?
Wilma: For one brief shining moment I was Maggie Seaver, journalist.