Growing Pains 405
Principle: Attention! Attention please. I am the Principle, Willis Dewitt, for the benefit of
those of you who haven’t bothered to attend a single PTA meeting in the past four years.
Ben: No, no! Hold it! My mum wouldn’t miss Mike's graduation for the whole world. And she's
in that darn bathroom again.
Carol: I don’t know you Ben.
Ben: Its not my mums fault she's pregnant. I mean, you see, my dad..
Principle: Never mind.
Jason: I just didn’t want to arrive late and create a scene. That’s all.
Maggie: We are not going to create a scene. Why is everyone starring at us?
Jason: Oh, its your imagination.
Principle: I'm sure you all recognize Maggie Malone from the channel nineteen news.
Ben: Here's four seats if we can get this old lady to move.
Carol: Go, lets go, lets go, lets go.
Maggie: Take them quickly.
Jason: Ben, stop yelling. Oh, excuse me. Would you mind moving down. My wife would love to
sit on the aisle.
Lady: we heard.
Maggie: Uh, yes.
Principle: Ladies and gentlemen. We are gathered her today, in the Elizabeth Long Diddle
memorial auditorium, to pay tribute to the Dewey High School class of ninety eight. And here
are your Hooters, standing tall and proud.
(music and applause)
Mike: (in his mind) I did it! I actually made it through this school. No, no, I didn’t say that. I
don’t want to jinx it.
Maggie: (in her mind) My baby actually did it.
Jason: (in his mind) Mike. He actually made it through High school.
Carol: (in her mind) Wow! he did it. I didn’t think that. I don’t want to jinx this.
Ben: (in his mind) I hate this weenie suit.
Principle: Thank you Mr. Bowzer. The Hooter Madrigals have never sounded...sweeter. And I
wish you well at your new school. I’d like to present to you, the student body President-
Boner: Principle Dewitt. Vice Principle Hangdoy, Mr. Versucio in detention, past Hooters, future
Hooters, Parent Hooters, welcome. Four score and several years ago, we came to attend..
Maggie: (in her mind) My babies graduating. Where did the years go?
Boner: In resulting millennium...
(Maggie’s flash back)
Jason: Turn you head a little. Now both of you smile.
Maggie: Oh honey. Mike, he's only a week old. Do you really think that..
Jason: Ah Maggie. he's smiling perfectly. Don’t talk.
Maggie: Oh honey, you are going to have to be a little patient with your dad. He's never been
a father before.
Jason: Mikey, says cheese Mikey.
Maggie: Hurry Jason.
Jason: I want to get just the right expression on his little ...there there. Oh Maggie! You
Maggie: I'm sorry Jason. Ah baby, I'm sorry to put you through this.
Jason: Its alright. I got lots more film. You know he was smiling perfectly in every shot.
Maggie: Jason, he was not.
Jason: He was. He's a smiler. He takes after his mum.
Maggie: Sweetheart, babies his age do not smile.
Jason: But then why did he look like he was smiling in very shot?
Maggie: He has gas.
Jason: Like I said, he takes after his mum.
Maggie: Oh Jason!
Jason: That was just a little joke, just to get the right expression.
Maggie: Oh Jason, there's a baby in our room.
Jason: Call the police.
Maggie: here comes mummy.
Jason: Honey, if only you weren’t breast feeding, boy I’d sure like to help out here.
Maggie: I know sweetheart. Hi little baby. Ready for your midnight snack? Oh, that’s it, that’s
it. Yes, I thought so. Yes. Chow down, big guy. Boy, you're hungry. Want to know a secret? I
don’t mind getting up in the middle of the night for you, at all. In fact I kind of like it. Yeah,
surprised me too. Don’t tell your father. I like him feeling guilty.
My little guy. Before you know it, we wont be having these midnight talks anymore. You'll be
going off to kindergarten, then grammar school, then high school, then college, then the White
TV: In his annual State of Union address to the Congress, President Nixon today, promised a
speedy end to the war in Vietnam.
TV The Vietnamese government in Saigon...
Maggie: Yeah right! Oh, you kicked me you little Republican you.
TV: US policy of Vietnamisation.
Maggie: You are walking! Oh, aren’t you something. You wait til I tell your daddy when he gets
TV Concluded the speech with a promise to bring the boys home before the end of this year.
Maggie: You'd better.
(watching a play that Mike is in)
Jason: He's, he’s...
(back at the graduation)
Boner: Ask not what your school can do for you, ask what your school can do for your country.
Ah, thank you.
Carol: Mum, it wasn’t that great a speech.
Maggie: What speech.
Jason: (in his mind) What the hell am I applauding for? It doesn’t matter. My son is
Jason: Hey Mikey, Mikey. What are you doing?
Jason: But we don’t tear books apart. No, books are our friends.
Mike: I'm sorry.
Jason: Ok then. You come up here and sit on Daddy's knee, because I’m going to read you a
Jason: Yeah. Come on, I want you to see what wonderful worlds there are inside these books.
Mike: No! No! No! No! No!
Jason: Shhhh! You are going to wake up Carol.
Jason: Michael, come on now. What have you got against books?
Mike: I hate them. I want to play.
Jason: Wait, you're going to need books, you know, for your education, so you can grow up...
Mike: No, I’m not going to school. I've decided.
Jason: Well ok, but then what are you going to do to earn a living when you grow up?
Jason: Ah, come on Mikey. You are going to love your first day at school.
Carol: I wish I was old enough to go to school.
Mike: Shut up Carol!
Jason: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Kids! Kids!
Maggie: Mikey, you'll see how much fun it is.
Mike: That’s what you said when we went to the dentist.
Jason: Hey, look over there. There's another little boy just your age. He's all dressed up for
school and he looks so happy.
Maggie: Ah, come on Mikey. You are going to miss the bus.
Mike: Dad, mum, could you let me go to the bus by myself? I don’t want to look like a wimp.
Maggie: Oh, but honey, you have to cross the street, and I don’t know...
Jason: Oh sure Mikey. Yeah.
Maggie: Well, ok Mikey. Have a great first day.
He'll be Ok.
Jason: He'll be fine.
Carol: Yeah right!
Boner: What’s your name?
Mike: Mikey Seaver.
Boner: I'm Dickie Stabone.
Mike: Dickie! That’s a pretty stupid name.
Boner: Yeah, yeah it is. I hate it. Stabone, Boney, Bone, Boner. Yeah, from now on, your name
Boner: All the name tags in my underwear say Dickie.
(Bus pulls in and leaves)
Boner: Wow, it works Mikey!
Mike: Yeah, neat or what Boner!
Kid; Boner, I like that. I don’t care what's on my underwear.
Jason: Mikey! How’s my boy? How was school?
Mike: Boy I missed you today. I thought about you all the time.
Jason: Oh, how was school today?
Mike: I must have the best dad on earth.
Jason: How was school?
Mike: I love you dad.
Jason: Come on. I was asking you how....oh I love you too.
Maggie: Hi honey.
Jason: Oh, hi sweetheart.
Maggie: Mikey, did you tell your dad about your report card?
Mike: Uh oh!
Mike: I was just about to.
Maggie: Well go ahead Mikey.
Mike: I love you mummy.
Maggie: Well that wont work on us sweetheart. We aren’t stupid.
Mike: It worked on daddy.
(choir singing at graduation)
Choir: When I was seventeen, It was a very good year for me. It was a very nice year for city
girls, who lived upstairs (she lived upstairs),
Principle: Very nice. Hey thank you for that...stirring song. Stirring ending.
well I see no reason to prolong this agony..ah, keep our nervous graduates in suspense.
Estelle, the diplomas.
Mike: (in his mind) This is it.
Maggie: (in her mind) This is it
Jason: (in his mind) This is it.
Carol: (in her mind) This is it?
Ben: (in his mind) I'm hungry.
Lady (in her mind) If he thinks he's getting this arm rest, he's crazy.
Mike: I didn’t do it. I didn’t touch that woman. I swear.
Principle: No harm done. Estelle, would you hurry up. Accidents will happen. I want those
diplomas now, or you're gone.
Estelle: I'm doing the best I can.
Principle: Oh, how would you survive if you had to get a real job. I know, why don’t we have
Mr. Bowzers Hooter Madrigals do another little ditty for us. Hu?
Choir: We've only just begun..
Principle: Thank you Mr. Bowzer. Thank you. Okee Dokee. Where were we? Yes, the diplomas.
Ah, class, I’ll be calling your names in alphabetical order. Edward Cornelius Zeph. Get down
Mike and Boner: Cornelius.
Principle: Zeph, now you sit down Mr. Estelle. Estelle. I thought these were in alphabetical
Estelle: I know you did.
Principle: This is just great. What, Mr Zaph? Do you need an engraved invitation?
Carol: This is the perfect graduation for Mike.
Carol: Because it stinks.
Ben: Carol, you got something stuck between your teeth.
Ben: Yeah, and its really yucky.
Carol: There’s nothing in between my teeth.
Ben: So there's nothing in between your ears either.
Carol: Fine, defend Mike. What’s this? (reads letter to herself) For Carol. Personal. Pursinal. Its
Mike: (the letter he wrote to Carol) Ok sucker. You owe me Fifty bucks, plus interest from July
forth, nineteen seventy six. Mike.
Carol: (in her mind) July Forth, nineteen seventy six?
Mike: (in his mind) That’s what I said.
Maggie: Honey, look at the tall ships.
Jason: Oh wow, that’s beautiful.
Mike: See mummy. Daddy's right. We don’t need color.
Jason: Thanks Mikey.
TV: To commemorate this historic day, President Ford is mounting a stand up to the podium
Mike: I want to watch too.
Jason: No, no, no. Not until we finish your reading assignment.
Maggie: Leave him alone Carol. Your brother has a lot of catching up to do this summer.
Jason: Come on Mikey. Read this line.
Mike: I hate this book.
Jason: Oh how do you know when you haven’t even read it?
Mike: I heard about it. I'll just wait for the movie.
Mike: Ok, ok. Don’t help me. Sssssss
Carol: Sea spot run said Dick. Run, run, run. Sea him wag his tail.
Jason: Maggie, did you just...
Maggie: I heard her. She can read. Four years old and she can read.
Jason: Its a miracle.
Maggie: Oh, its fantastic.
Jason: Our little genius.
Maggie: Oh I've got to go call mum and dad.
Jason: I'll get the tape recorder.
Carol: Turn the page. I want to see how it turns out.
Mike: You've always got to make me look bad. Don’t you?
Mike: Big deal. So what if you can read. It doesn’t mean nothing.
Carol: Sure it does. It means I’m smart and you're stupid.
Mike: Oh yeah?
Carol: Yeah. You're never even going to graduate.
Mike: I bet you fifty bucks I do.
Carol: OK sucker.
Mike: What does gradulate mean?
(Back at the graduation)
Mike: (reading his letter in carols mind) OK sucker. You owe me fifty bucks plus interest, from
July forth, nineteen seventy six. Mike.
Principle: Michael Seaver.
Principle: No wait, that’s a mistake.
Principle: Should read Michael Ceaver.
Mike: Between you and me, I did that on purpose.
Boner: Well Michael, do you want to see my diploma?
Mike: What? Oh sure. Boner Stabone.
Boner: That’s me.
Mike: You had them put Boner on your diploma?
Boner: Yeah, cost extra.
Mike: Hey look. Boner was fine when we were kids, but its getting to be a pretty stupid name.
Boner: Yeah? Yeah it is. I hate it.
Mike: I mean, Richards not that bad. Or hey, what about Rick?
Boner: Rick Stabone. yeah, I kind of like that. Of course, my mums going to have to change
all the tags in my underwear.
(Bens day dream)
Ben: Hello, come in. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Yeah, we are trapped. I down to
four guys. Make that three.
Soldier: Ah you rat bags. Oh no. I dropped a grenade.
Ben: Hit the dirt you weenies.
(back at the graduation)
Jason: This is your brothers graduation. Would you please stop exploding.
Principle: And that’s the last diploma. This concludes our graduation ceremony.
Mike: That cant be all of them. There's got to be one more.
Principle: Estelle! Guess I uh, stepped on it.
Estelle: You said it.
Principle: Michael Aaron Seaver.
Song: Oh I, now it every day of my life, Some day I would stand in the light, and shine. If
they cant see me now, then the world must be blind. Cos I, believe with every part of my
heart, I would catch that one falling star, for you. Oh it might be a shade over due, but this is
the day. Oh I , believe with every part of my heart, I would catch that one falling star. l For
you. Oh, it might be a shade overdue. But this is the day. This is the day. This is the day.
Jason: Enjoying yourself?
Mike: Yes, I’m just relaxing dad.
Jason: Good, well you better get to bed. School tomorrow. Gotcha!
Mike: You know, its kind of hard getting used to the idea that all that junk is behind me now.
Jason: Well don’t.
Jason: Mr. Dewitt called, they've rechecked your records.
Jason: Got you again. Ah, this is fun.
Mike: Yeah, its a real hoot.
Jason: Well the truth is, you worked very hard and you deserve a rest.
Mike: That is right.
Jason: This is your time now to relax and kick back, have some fun.
Jason: Especially since the summer session of Alf Landen Junior College starts in about three
Mike: No no no no. You didn't get me that time dad.
Jason: Well that time I wasn’t joking.
Mike: You're joking?
Jason: No. no.
Mike: Well um, you know dad, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about that. See, now I know I
told you that I was planning to go to Alf Landen, but, in the last couple of weeks, I have been
doing some serious thinking, and I, well I think now is the best time to let you know about my
Mike: Well, Boner and I have enlisted in the Marines.
Jason: Mike, what? Wait a minute..
Mike: Got you!