Growing Pains 401
Ben: Pass it jenny, pass it! Into the basket.
Veto: Hey, I’m open! I'm open!
Ben: Slam it Jenny.
Ben: Hey, foul.
Veto: Hey you're foul.
Jenny: Watch it you pig, dog, wart hog. Ah, got to go. Ballet class. Good game Ben.
Ben: Nice going Jenny. We're still champs.
Jenny: Stinky, try crocket. You know next time it will be you on your butt.
Veto: Who cares? So are you guys coming to my Halloween party?
Ben: You bet.
Veto: But you didn't RSVP.
Stinky: I get smacked if I do that in public.
Veto: Just don't forget to bring a guest, if you know what I mean.
Ben: Hi mum.
Maggie: Good evening gentlemen.
Stinky: Hello Mrs. Seaver.
Stinky: Mrs. Seaver's pregnant.
Ben: Grow up you guys. It’s a perfectly natural bodily function.
Kids: Natural bodily function! Oohh!
Ben: Knock it off you guys.
Veto: Yeah yeah. Listen I got to break. See you later.
Ben: See you Veto.
Stinky: Ben you've got to tell me. What does RSVP stand for?
Ben: Don't you know anything?
Stinky: Just tell me.
Ben: RSVP means refreshments served at Veto's party.
Maggie: Is your father still with a patient?
Mike: Uh hu.
Maggie: Darn, I was hoping he'd cook dinner.
Mike: Uh hu.
Maggie: Would you tell him that I am too tired to cook?
Mike: Uh hu.
Maggie: I'll be upstairs taking a nap.
Mike: Uh hu.
Maggie: Mike, you haven’t heard a word I’ve said.
Mike: Uh hu.
Mike: Yeah, dad flaked on the cooking and you’re tense, so you'll be upstairs waiting for his
Maggie: Uh. You were listening.
Ben: But I don't get it. It’s a great costume. Why wont your mum let you wear it/
Stinky: She thinks dressing up like garbage is wrong for a kid named stinky.
Mike: Is this going to be a long conversation?
Stinky: So, what are you going to be?
Ben: My usual. A dead guy with a meat cleaver in his head and eye balls hanging out.
Stinky: Cool. I could be a big bloody boil growing out of your back.
Mike: Guys! Kids kids kids. Come on now. Aren't you a little old for trick or treat?
Ben: We are not kids. And it’s not trick or treat. Party at Veto Perducci's. Junior High only.
Stinky: It’s in a horse barn.
Ben: Yeah, there’s going to be plenty of RS at VP.
Stinky: Games, prizes, lancing.
Stinky: That’s what gave me the boil idea.
Mike: No no no no. Guys, it doesn't say lancing, it says dancing.
Ben and Stinky: Oh!
Mike: And it also says you and a guest. Now what girl wants to be seen with you with a meat
cleaver stuck in your head, and the stink man here riding piggy back?
Ben: But why mess up an important holiday like Halloween, with girls?
Mike: I thought you liked girls?
Ben: Some times I do, sometimes I don't
Mike: Well you better make up your mind within the next two days, because you sure can’t go
to a boy girl party without a girl.
Ben: What are we going to do?
Stinky: I guess we can kiss the boil goodbye.
Ben: Haven’t you been listening to my brother? We have to come up with dates for this party,
or just forget it.
Stinky: I've got it. I could dress up like a girl and be your date.
Ben: I don't date girls names Stinky.
Stinky: You don’t date ant girls.
Ben: Where the heck are we going to find girls?
Stinky: To be on the safe side, I’m going to go home and try on one of my sisters dresses.
Ben: That’s crazy.
Stinky: You got a better idea?
Ben: (in his head) Maybe he'll be cute.
Ben: What am I saying?
Jason: Mike is your mum home yet?
Mike: Uh hu.
Jason: And did you tell him I didn't have time to cook dinner?
Mike: Uh hu.
Jason: Is she upstairs?
Mike: Uh hu.
Jason: Have you heard a single word I've said?
Mike: Yes, you want to know if mums tense about you blowing off cooking dinner. She is.
Jason: Let me see what I can whip up for dinner.
Ben: Hey dad.
Jason: hey Ben. Hey don't spoil your appetite. I'm cooking a wonderful dinner tonight.
Whether I like it or not.
Ben: Mike, you've got to help me.
Mike: Ben, I’m busy.
Ben: But you told me that I need a date, and I don't know how.
Mike: Come on Ben. Every time you ask me about girls, you always end up saying 'gross'.
Ben: Hey, I’m in Junior High now.
Mike: Well alright. I suppose it’s about time to give your heart and soul to a foxy female.
Ben: Gross! I mean, can’t you just tell me how to get a date for the party so I won’t look like
Mike: Alright, alright. Now listen up. I'm going to say three words. You got a pencil and paper?
Ben: I'm ready.
Mike: Ok. Ask a girl.
Ben: Ask a girl. Do you enjoy making me suffer?
Mike: Yeah alright. I'll help ya.
Mike: Ok, lesson number one. A telephone is the lonely guys best friend.
Ben: I'm not calling one of those nine seven six numbers.
Mike: No no no no. now think about it. Now who have you got the hots for?
Mike: Great, now what’s her last name?
Ben: I don't know. Her albums just say Tiffany.
Mike: Ben come on. Think shorter. Now uh, call someone. Anyone.
Ben: Hello stinky. Yeah, how does that dress fit?
Jason: He's a master chef. He's a psychiatrist. Stop. You are both right. No, he's actually a
husband dealing with a woman in the midst of a hormone rush. Oh hi honey. Yes, well I hope
you’ve kept room in there tonight for a big meal.
Maggie: Jason, don’t make fun of the way I look. I am not in the mood.
Jason: Well uh, did we have a good day?
Maggie: No one in history who is eight months and two weeks pregnant has ever had a good
Jason: Forgotten my history.
Maggie: Oh honey, I’m being so mean to you and I love you so much.
Jason: Oh that’s alright sweetheart. I understand. And I love you too. Come on, over here now.
You are about to have a very special dinner in no time.
Maggie: You're wasting your time cooking when we have Lamars to practice? I mean, we have
a three hour refresher course coming up tomorrow and we haven’t done this in twelve years.
Jason, sometimes I just don’t get you at all.
Jason: I think I handled that rather well.
Ben: But I sat behind you in class my whole life. You remember me? Great I ....hello? Hello?
Ask a girl! Some big advice.
Hello, this is Ben Seaver. Please don’t hang up. I'm probably wasting my time asking, but you
wouldn’t want to go to Veto Purducci's Halloween party with me, would you? You would? Wow.
Its Friday, my parents and I will pick you up at eight. They're driving, because I am not old
enough to. Twelve, how old are you? Thirty six! Sorry wrong number.
Mike: So, who’s the lucky girl?
Ben: Well, three girls aren’t allowed to date, four said they couldn’t go because they had older
sisters who dated you,
Mike: Bye. Well Ben, maybe you are just not an on the phone kind of guy. I mean maybe they
need to see the desperation in your eyes in order to say yes.
Ben: What’s with these girls? Why do they have to act so weird? Why can’t they be like Stinky
or Jenny or Veto?
Carol: Excuse me for interrupting. And you know how I hate to interrupt, but uh, Jenny is a
Mike: Uh carol, I believe Ben was asking me for my ..
Ben: Shut up Mike. Tell me more.
Carol: Out of the way mike. Alright Ben.
Ben: (in his head) She’s just a girl, its no big deal. I'll ask her like mike and carol said.
Jenny: What is it Ben?
Ben: I was just thinking about Halloween coming up and..
Jenny: Oh yeah, you want to go down to the constructive site to tip over the porter potties?
Ben: Wow, that sounds great. But have you heard about Vetos cool party?
Jenny: The jerk face didn’t invite me and I wouldn’t be seen dead there.
Ben: (in his head) Don’t panic, try again.
Ben: See, I think he only invited guys, then the guys are supposed to bring the girls.
Jenny: You mean like a date?
Ben: Yeah, exactly.
Jenny: Ooh. Who wants to hang out with some goony boys with sweaty palms?
Ben: (in his head) I'm blowing it.
Jenny: Besides, Halloween is supposed to be fun.
Ben: Tell me about it.
Jenny: So you want to tip over the porter potties, or what?
Ben: Jenny, I got to have a date and I don’t know any real girls, so I’m asking you. You want
to go, or not? Never mind. The whole things stupid, I’m stupid.
Ben: Ok what?
Jenny: I can tip over toilets another time. I'll go with you.
Jenny: But don’t pick me up, I’ll meet you at your house. I don’t want anyone to think this is a
Ben: Me either. Sucker.
Carol: Its show time.
Kids: Trick or treat?
Carol: Well don’t you look adorable. And who are you supposed to be?
Boy: Mr and Mrs. T, fool!
Carol: Well. Here's some for you and some for you. Enjoy it kids. And remember when you get
home, before you eat any of this candy, let your parents check every single thing in these
bags. You see, there are some very creepy people out there who like to hurt little children, by
putting awful things in their candy, like poison and....
Carol: What did I say?
Jason: Maggie, lets go. We are going to be late for Lamars class.
Maggie: Jason, I can never move fast enough for you.
Jason: It’s alright. Take your time. Take your time honey.
Maggie: Well lets go, we're late. Bye kids, we are going to Lamars.
Ben: Wait, wait, wait! You can’t leave. You've got to take me to Veto's party, and pick me up
when it’s over.
Jason: I thought Stinky's dad was driving you.
Ben: That was before we had dates.
Maggie: Dates! Jason, he has a date.
Ben: It’s not really a date. It’s just Jenny.
Maggie: Oh his first date. Seems like only yesterday that he was playing basketball with his
Jason: It was yesterday. But I know what you mean.
Ben: So, you'll take us and pick us up at ten?
Maggie: Honey, we can take you, but we're in class until eleven.
Ben: But you got to, you got to, you got to.
Carol: Ben, relax and have a carrot.
Jason: I wouldn’t push your mum on this Ben. She's a wee bit touchy.
Jason: Hey, why don’t we have mike pick you up?
Maggie: My little monks first date.
Ben: Mum, please don’t start crying for the kajillionth time. This is just Jenny Foster; she is
just somebody I get dirty and sweaty with. This is not a date.
Ben: Would somebody open the door. Keep your pants on.
(In bens head) It’s a date
Ben: Bye dad. See you, thanks.
Jenny: Ben, what’s going on? Didn't you tell your mum we weren’t on some stupid date?
Ben: Well yeah.
Jenny: Well how come she keeps looking at us and crying and saying "well well well, and my
Ben: I don’t know, she's pregnant. My dad says that makes her even more nuts than usual.
Mrs. Perducci: hello creatures of the dark.
Ben: Hello Mrs. Perducci.
Mrs. Perducci: You recognized me. What do you think of my costume?
Ben: They look great. It looks great.
Mrs. Perducci: And this is your little date.
Mrs. Perducci: How cute. Have fun.
Jenny: What did you say yes for?
Ben: Because, because this is a big party and I don’t want to get kicked out.
Jenny: Oh. For a second there, I thought you meant it.
Stinky: Hey you guys. Meet my date. Guess what I am?
Jenny: A very lonely boy.
Stinky: Nope. I'm a TV evangelist.
Veto: Make out song, make out song, make out song, make out song, make out song.
Stinky: Shall we?
Ben: (voice in his head) Be calm, be cool.
Ben: We could dance.
Ben: (voice in his head) Oh no.
Jenny: We better. Before some jerk face asks me and tries to drool in my ear.
Ben: (voice in his head) She's crazy about me.
Sonia: Welcome to Lamars. I'm your instructor, Sonia Olsen Puleren, and I’ll be your tour
guide on the thrilling adventure of natural child birth.
Lady: Will any doctors be speaking?
Sonia: Ah ha ha. There isn't anything a doctor can tell you about this experience, that I can’t.
Your doctors aren’t even going to be there for most of the labor. You see most doctors, in my
vast experience, resent Lamars because the more you know, the less you need them.
Jason: Ah Hu hu hu..
Sonia: You have a question?
Jason: Well more of a statement actually. You see I happen to be a...
Maggie: Jason! You do not need to get into a debate about this womans opinion of doctors.
We're here to study Lamars. Period. If you have any love for me at all, you will not, I repeat
not tell anyone you are a doctor.
Sonia: Yes sir. You were saying you happen to be a ...
Jason: Be a uh, mechanic. And I just wanted everyone to know.
Mrs. Perlucci: Alright. Now let me inspect your cores.
Ben: We did pretty good, hu?
Jenny: You bit my cheek.
Ben: Sorry. I got excited.
Jenny: Lets go get some punch.
Jenny: Oh my gosh. There he is. Right next to the punch bowl.
Jenny: Veto Perlucci. How do I look?
Ben: You mean I didn't tell you? Boy I should have because you look ..
Jenny: Ben, would you do me a favor?
Ben: You name it.
Jenny: Go ask him if he likes me.
Ben: Veto. You said he was a jerk face.
Jenny: Tell him I like him too. Ok. But only after he says he likes me. Got all that?
Ben: (voice in his head) But she's my date.
Ben: Sure. No problem.
Jenny: You're a buddy Ben.
Ben: (voice in his head) Why am I doing this.
Veto: Die you dog.
Ben: Veto, you kill a monk, you go to hell.
Veto: Hey shhhh. Don’t cuss with my mum around. Great party hu?
Ben: Sort of. I'm supposed to ask you what you think of Jenny Foster.
Veto: Oh yeah. I noticed you brought her. Couldn't get a real date hey Seaver?
Ben: Jenny is a real date. My date.
Veto: Well then how come you're asking me if I like her?
Ben: I don’t know. But just do you like her or not?
Veto" Heck no.
Veto: Who’s she trying to kid in that dress? She thinks she's so cool about basket ball and
stuff and she really stinks you know. She's so butt ugly, she makes me barf.
Ben: You're as dumb as you look.
Veto: Oh, I look dumb?
Ben: Yeah, you're not good enough for Jenny.
Veto: Hey. You've got the hots for her.
Ben: I do not.
Veto: Then why are we fighting?
Ben: I don’t know. We're kids.
Jenny: Well, does he like me?
Ben: You really want to know?
Jenny: Yeah, tell me tell me tell me.
Ben: (voice in his head) I'll tell you alright.
Ben: Of course he likes you.
Jenny: I knew it, I knew it. I'm very sensitive to what people are feeling.
Ben: I wouldn't be too sure of that.
Veto: Evening fair lady.
Ben: Yo, Robin. A word. Whatever you do, don’t tell Jenny you really hate her.
Veto: Actually I kind of like her.
Ben: Good, very convincing.
Veto: No, I mean it.
Veto: Well what you said made me think. Might be cool to go out with a chick who can dribble.
Ben: Hold it. First you hate her, then you like her!
Veto: Hey, I'm Italian.
Ben: But you said she was butt ugly.
Ben: hey, watch it Seaver. You are talking about my main squeeze.
Ben: (voice in his head) His main squeeze. How did that happen? Yeah yeah yeah. Where did I
lose control of this? Hi Dirk.
Stinky: Hi Ben.
Ben: Hi Stinky.
Stinky: We're going to sit this one out too.
Sonia: This is eight centimeters dilation. This is a full ten centimeters. Now at this point..
Man: Boy, I'm finding out a hell of a lot more than I wanted to know.
Jason: The human body never fails to excite me. I just, I mean the heart, the lungs, the brain.
The way they all move together like a well oiled machine. And then the female reproductive
system, the most miraculous of all. It’s just.. Wow.
Man: I think I’m going to give this a go here.
Man: What? What honey?
Sonia: What is it?
Lady: I'm having a baby.
Other lady: We're all having babies here. Big deal.
Lady: I'm having a baby. Ah! Now!
Other lady: My husband. (Man faints).
Sonia: Excuse me. You're really in labor?
Man: Isn't she supposed to breathe, or something?
Lady: believe me honey, I’m breathing.
Other man: Isn't she supposed to push?
Other Lady: he's fainted.
Sonia: Alright. Would everyone just calm down. You just stay right where you are and I’ll go
call a doctor.
Jason: Can I be a doctor now?
Maggie: Of course. What are you waiting for?
Jason: Excuse me. I can help here.
Husband: hey buddy. This isn't a lube job.
Jason: Just be calm.
Husband: After your pervert rant, you've got a nerve.
Maggie: I think we should clear something up. My husband isn't really a mechanic.
Other man: Why did you tell my wife if she ever needs new spark plugs?
Jason: Let me check your dilation.
Husband: hey you grease m. Get your hands off my wife.
Ben: And the next thing I know, two people who make each other sick, can’t be pried apart. I
don’t get it!
Mike: Well look Ben. If people only went out with people that they liked, then dating would
end up in marriage and people wouldn’t have any fun.
Ben: She's going to find out real soon that Veto's not the guy for her. I'm never dating again.
Mike: Well you're sure dressed for it.
Ben: Go ahead, make jokes. I'm through with dating. As far as I can tell, Stinky has the right
Mike: Ben. Ben come on. Now you got to get back on that horse.
Ben: What do horses have to d with this?
Mike: I'm talking about girls.
Ben: Lets talk about horses.
Mike: Ben, it’s a really nice thing you did, sparing Jenny's feelings. Even if she did dump on
you. Hey, where do you think I’d be if I let every girl that dumped me...? I mean uh.
Ben: Are you actually saying that girls dumped you?
Mike: Shhhh. Are you crazy? The truth?
Mike: Alright. Maybe once or twice. Half a dozen times tops.
Mike: Yeah. See that girl over there? She likes you.
Mike: The nurse.
Ben: How can you tell?
Mike: Well, she's watching you. Any minute now she's going to giggle and turn away.
Mike: So ask her to dance.
Ben: Me? Uh, no way, um.
Mike: This is Ben, and you are ...
Ben: Would you, um, like to to, um, dance?
Molly: Oh yeah.
Mike: So dance.
Devil: Get down, get down, get funky, get down!
Ben: I'm back on that horse.
Mike: A fool for love.
Stinky: You said it.