Growing Pains 514
Kate: So, you're saying I'm wrong.
Mike: No, no, I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying that you know absolutely nothing
Kate: Mike, there's not a woman in the world who's gonna let you kiss her after you got her
Mike: Kara...Karen, I mean, they're so close.
Kate: Her name was Joan.
Mike: Where were you when I needed you?
Kate: I was with David, the only man who knows less about women than you do.
Kate: Where have you been? You were supposed to meet me here for lunch.
David: Cut me some slack here babe; as director of this play we're doing, I gotta get lights, I
gotta get props, I gotta get costumes...
Kate: But I ate alone.
David: But for one it has got to be perfect. You know what a royal pain in the rrump Professor
David: Let me share with you an anecdote from Rralph Rrichardson...
Professor Thorn: Mr. Home, I roll my R's far more Rrregally than that.
Mike: Ow, Professor, you're spitting on me.
Professor Thorn: I know. A principal role of the Director is observation, so watch it, Bob.
David: Wow, maybe I should apologise.
Kate: Oh just sit down, eat your sandwich, I'm used to it... Figures.
Mike: Ah, come on, David is crazy about you.
Kate: Yeah, what do you know about guys?
Mike: Hey, I've been one for the last fifteen years.
Kate: But you're nineteen.
Mike: Interesting story.
Ben: So Dad, did you just let me win, or are you getting old and slow?
Jason: I let you win.
Mike: Hey Dad, hey Ben. Oh, Dad, this is David and you remember Kate.
Mike: We're gonna be rehearsing after dinner, OK?
Jason: Yeah, fine.
David and Kate: Hi there.
Mike: Like she cares.
Jason: Alright. Ready to go again?
Ben: Err...yeah sure.
Jason: Alright, what's the scores? Is that Kate waving to you? Yes!!
(Mike, David and Kate rehearsing- Mike and Kate are acting.)
David: The train whistle blows.
Mike: It's time to make a choice, you can stay here in this town living other people's dreams,
or you can take a chance with me?
Kate: Jeff, I can't decide my whole life in a moment.
Mike: Well a moment is all we got. Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica.
David: Ah! Look, look, look, look! The play's just going great until this kiss here at the end.
Mike, you're not kissing her goodbye, you're kissing her hello. I mean, after this moment,
we're supposed to believe she falls in love with you. I mean, the way you kissed her, I think
you're the kind of guy who owns a lot of cats. OK, from where we were.
Mike: A moment's all we got. Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica.
David: Yo, Mike, you...err...you err...like girls, right?
Mike: Yes man, of course I like girls!
David: OK, then what the heck's the problem here?
Mike: Nothing...no.. Well she's your girlfriend.
David: No she's not.
Kate: Pardon me.
David: OK Kate, bare with me here. She's an actress, you're an actor; kisses mean nothing
Kate: Look, while you guys make out, I'm gonna sit down.
David: Kate, please, OK! Take it again, same page.
Kate: David, we've been rehearsing for five hours, I'm tired.
David: Hey, it's your grade too.
Kate: Don't lecture me, I know it's my grade.
David: Yeah, why is it whenever I've got to make a point with you, you think I'm giving you a
Mike: Look, look, look, just calm down! I'll kiss your girlfriend, alright?
David: There, now why can't you be more like Mike?
Kate: Why can't you be more like Mike?
Mike: OK, so we're agreed, I'm a great guy. Now can we just call it a night?
David: No, no, we're rapped after we get this kiss right. Now listen to me, Jessica is...is the
one hope for bringing meaning to your aimless life. All the passion you once held for the open
road, you now feel for her. And Jeff is your chance, your one possibility, to escape the life
that's trapped you; the life you've outgrown. OK? OK. Train whistle blows.
Mike: It's time to make a choice, you can stay here in this town, living other people's dreams,
or you can take a chance with me.
Kate: Jeff, I can't decide my whole life in one moment.
Mike: Well a moments all we got. Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica.
David: Woo woo!!
Mike: Well a moment's all we got. Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica. Wait, wait, could you please
turn the lights back up! Thank you. I've got kind of an announcement to make; see we weren't
acting just now, and I want you all to know, heck, I want the whole world to know, that I love
Kate McDonnell. And I think as you can tell from that last kiss, she feels the same way about
Kate: Mike! Mike, we're just acting.
Kate: Mike, we're just doing a play.
Mike: You mean, you're not crazy about me?
Kate: I don't even like you.
Professor Thorn: I don't like you either and I'm a royal pain in the rump.
Mike: Errm...folks...errm... What you have just seen here is proof that a kiss means nothing
between actors. Here let me demonstrate. Dad!! What are you doing here?
Jason: With a dream like this, you're gonna need help from somebody.
Mike: Dad! Dad! Well I could go upstairs, wake him up and tell him I need to talk to him, or I
could be more subtle. What does it take to get a man out of bed?
Carol: What are you doing, I'm trying to sleep.
Mike: Well, I'm trying to conserve energy, Carol, by running our appliances at off-peak hours.
Carol: Well, why don't you put on the toaster, it's quieter?
Mike: Carol, why don't you go upstairs, circle three times and lay down?
Carol: You're up to something.
Mike: No I'm not.
Carol: You dropped out of school.
Carol: You burned down the garage!
Carol: You held up a liquor store!
Carol: Don't help me, this is fun.
Mike: OK, Carol, I have question; now could you kiss a guy in a way that would make him
think that you were nuts about him, when you really don't feel anything at all?
Carol: Who told you this, was it Nick?
Jason: What's all the noise?
Mike: Well, it was Carol, she's upset about some guy she's dating.
Mike: Hey Carol, if I were you I'd dump him; the man's got no taste.
Jason: Good night.
Mike: Wait a minute, Dad. I mean how often do I come to you with my problems?
Jason: Every Wednesday, eight o'clock, seven central.
Mike: Fine, fine, make jokes. You know, it was your idea for me to come and talk to you.
Jason: It was? Right, well, I better stay. Wanna join me in a late night snack?
Mike: Yeah, if you're looking for it, I already finished the pineapple upside down Kate.
Jason: Pineapple upside down Kate!
Mike: Cake! Didn't I say cake?
Jason: Oh no, no; you said Kate. Isn't that the girl you were rehearsing with tonight?
Mike: Oh Dad, I can't get her out of my mind!
Jason: Oh, I don't wonder.
Mike: Dad, I mean, she's even in my dreams...you were too.
Jason: Let's not share that with your mother.
Mike: Look Dad, ever since I kissed this girl, I just can't forget about her.
Jason: You kissed her!
Mike: Oh yeah, about fifty times, with her boyfriend right there, cheering me on!
Jason: Wow, that is some dream!
Mike: No, no, no, Dad, that's not a dream, that actually happened.
Jason: What the heck are you into, Mike?
Mike: Dad, Dad, I think I really, really care about this girl but she's taken.
Jason: That's part of your dream.
Mike: No Dad, come on, you were there, I kissed you!
Jason: What are you into, Mike?
Mike: Dad look, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me at all.
Jason: That's real?
Mike: No, that's the dream.
Jason: I wish I were charging you by the hour.
Mike: OK, I'll make it simple for you; for the first time since Julie, I'm friends with a girl
before I kiss her.
Jason: But she has a boyfriend.
Mike: Yes. Why now? Why her?
Jason: Well, maybe part of what you like about Kate, is the fact that she is taken, Mike. I
mean, maybe after everything you went through with Julie, you really don't wanna get
involved right now, so you 've concocted this attraction to someone who isn't available.
Mike: Na, that's not it. What else you got?
Jason: Well the other possibility is, you really are attracted to her and you want to get serious
Mike: OK, OK, now what would I do in this case?
Jason: Nothing. No Mike no, not as long as she's got a boyfriend. Best thing to do is to have as
little to do with her as possible.
Mike: But Dad, it's gonna be kind of tough, I mean I'm kissing this girl tomorrow from noon till
Jason: It's gonna be a real test of character.
Mike: Her's. I was afraid of that.
David: OK, let's take it from the train whistle. Right before the kiss.
Mike: Ah...David have you fully explored the passion of a hearty handshake?
David: Mike, I know, I know, I know what your problem is!
Mike: You do?
David: Yep and I got the solution.
Mike: What, the solution is, you're leaving?
David: No, no, no, no, no, see, I got a tape of a train whistle in my car; I've been listening to
it for days.
Kate: Oh David, how...like you.
David: Why don't you guys work up for the kiss, see what happens.
Mike: Err...don't you think maybe we should do some acting exercises first? You know, like
pretending we're furniture.
David: I said work up for the kiss!
Kate: Jeff, the train's coming. I said, Jeff, the train's coming.
Mike: OK, it's time to make a choice; you can either stay in this town living out other peoples
dreams, or you can take a chance with me.
Kate: Jeff, I can't decide my whole life in a moment.
Mike: Well a moment's all we got. Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica. Kate, I'm sorry.
Kate: Mike, I wasn't acting just now. I know I'm crazy to think that you could feel the same,
but I really like you.
Mike: You like me!
Mike: Yeah. OK, now wait a minute, do you like me like me like you just...like people you just
like, or you like me like... I'm nuts about you too!! So, so you mean this whole time that we
were just friends I mean it never occurred...
Kate: Me neither.
Mike: Until just...
David: Guys! I'm telling you our problems are over now.
Ben: Yes, I tied it up!
Jason: Alright, fun is fun, Ben, it's getting late, you better go and do your homework.
Ben: Oh, come on, Dad! How about next basket wins?
Jason: Ben, what's more important, come on, hoops or home-work? Now go on, we're gonna
call this a tie. He steals, and deals and...
Ben: I'm telling Mom!
Jason: Oh yeah? Go ahead, who's she gonna believe anyway?
Maggie: Ben, telephone, it's Laura-Lynn!
Ben: You asked who it was!
Maggie: Yeah, is there a problem?
Ben: Yeah, now she's gonna think that other girls call me too. I'm a dead man.
Mike: Hey listen, now that you've finished with the game...oh, hi Mom.
Maggie: Hey Mike, I hardly see you these days, what's new?
Maggie: You all ready for the play tomorrow night?
Maggie: Oh, you guys wanna talk, huh?
Mike: Oh, no, no, no, no, it's OK, we'll wait till you leave.
Maggie: Oh, if you're asking for advice about women...listen to him, Jason.
Mike: Dad, Dad, the worst thing happened to me today.
Jason: Why, did you tell her how you feel?
Mike: No, she told me how she feels!
Jason: How does she feel.
Mike: Pretty darn good!
Mike: No, no, no, Dad, I mean I didn't want this to happen.
Jason: Come on, you didn't?
Mike: Oh, well of course I did. But I didn't want it want it to happen. I guess I'm just
Jason: Come on Mike, you know better than this.
Mike: Dad, come on, you think I wanted to mess up their relationship?
Jason: No, OK, I don't. I'm sorry, I just...I have a prejudice against guys like you.
Mike: Pardon me?
Jason: Hey, look, when I was dating your mother at the start, we had a snag or two, that
happens. So, what do I do? I turn to my friend Aaron; this guy's my...my lab partner, for
crying out loud. Before I know it I tell him the whole story and then he starts, he's sniffing
around your mother. He's taking her out, he...he...he starts picking up the tab, like that's
gonna impress her...
Mike: Dad, this is nothing to do with me, I don't even have lab!
Jason: The point is, Mike, that Aaron just being there was getting in the way of me getting
back with your mother again.
Mike: But Dad, I have nothing to do with their problems!
Jason: Are you sure of that?
Mike: Yeah Dad, I mean they were having problems long before I even knew that even liked
her, before she even knew that she liked me.
Jason: Hey, only two people could know that for sure.
Mike: Me and Kate. Don't help me, don't help me.
Professor Thorn: Good evening parents and friends of the Alf landen Junior College
department of Arts. And Welcome to the Ruth Buzzy. Tonight we are pleased to present three
student one acts; our first production is an experimental piece, entitled, Mr. Lincoln goes to
Jason: Sorry we're late.
Professor Thorn: Oh, find a seat, yes, find a seat.
Ben: I'm not sitting next to this guy! So his wife shot him.
Professor Thorn: Ah, we'll give you a moment to recover from that as we set the stage for our
next one act.
Maggie: There's his name, Michael Aaron Seaver. His play's next.
Jason: That's my boy. Michael Aaron... Maggie, why did you insist on middle name being
Maggie: Oh, I don't know, I can't remember.
Jason: Well think.
Maggie: Oh, it was after my cousin.
Jason: Yeah, right.
Maggie: It had nothing to do with that charming boy who paid for my lunches, who now, by
the way, is a millionaire.
Professor Thorn: Our next production poses a dramatic question, what if Romeo and Juliet
Carol: If Lincoln were here to see this play, he'd kill himself.
Ben: That was great, that was great!
Carol: How can you say that?
Ben: Well I could see right down her dress.
David: We're on next, where the heck is Mike?
Kate: I don't know.
David: Oh, maybe those mimes will get an encore...who am I kidding?
Kate: Mike, where have you been?
Mike: I was running my lines.
Kate: Where, I've been looking all over for you.
Mike: Ah, look Kate, can we just stick to the play.
Kate: Mike, you can't keep avoiding me.
Mike: It's just that I don't wanna talk about things that we can't talk about right now, OK?
David: Mike! OK guys, this is it, and remember, that kiss means everything.
Jason: Maggie, why are you keeping in touch with this Aaron guy?
Professor Thorn: Our final one act of the evening is titled, The Passion, starring Kate
McDonnell and Michael Seaver.
Maggie: Woo! Excuse me.
Professor Thorn: And directed by David Hogue, who's apparently not related to this lady at all.
Jason: I asked you a question, Maggie.
Maggie: Jason, listen, I wanna watch and see how Mike deals with having to kiss Kate,
knowing how Kate feels and that her boyfriend's the director.
Jason: You eavesdropped! So you're not really keeping in touch with this guy at all, are you?
Maggie: No. But I could if you don't dummy up.
Mike: OK, it's time to make a choice; you can stay here in this town living other people's
dreams or you can take a chance with me.
Kate: Jeff, I can't decide my whole life in a moment.
Mike: Well a moment's all we got. Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica. (They kiss)
Ben: That's what I call homework.
Kate: Oh Mike!
Mike: Oh Kate, I can't hide my feelings for you any more! I wish I could, but I can't. Maybe
this is wrong.
Kate: No, no, it's not wrong.
Mike: We'll explain this to David.
Kate: Yeah, we'll just tell him that we didn't plan for it to happen.
Mike: Yeah and that we didn't even want it to happen.
Kate: He'll understand.
Mike: Oh yeah, he's a great guy.
Kate: Oh, yeah, he's a great great guy.
David: You guys! You guys were great! Oh look honey, I know I've been a total jerk for the
last few weeks, but I know we can get things back the way they were, Katie. I love you.
Professor Thorn: Alright people, it's time for the bows.
David: Let's go!