Growing Pains 513
Ben: Tell me that's not Gorbachev. OK, it's resources. Iron; I can get one of those. Pottash.
Mom, where do we keep the Pottash?
Carol: She's in the bathroom. What is all this?
Ben: You can't tell!
Carol: A map of Russia, drawn by keeping a pen between your toes.
Ben: That's another thing Russia has; ugly women.
Carol: You should have been working on this since you got the assignment last September.
Ben: Why? it's not due till tomorrow. Hey, don't touch the Russian dressing.
Ben: Because I'm using it as a natural resource. I do my best work under pressure.
Carol: Ben, you spend far too much time procrastinating.
Ben: You know about that?
Carol: Everybody knows about it.
Ben: Well maybe if you procrastinated once in a while you wouldn't be so tense!
Jason: Aarrgh! Ben, what's all this?
Ben: My map project for Mrs. Cunningham.
Jason: Is this the one you were griping about back in September?
Ben: Err...no, it's another one.
Maggie: What's that red square?
Ben: Red Square! What's with you people?
Jason: Well, Ben if you need any help, just ask.
Ben: Can you take me to get some paste?
Jason: No, no, no, no. Your mother and I have a...reservation and we can't be late.
Ben: Yeah well, before you go, can you at least tell me where we keep our Pottash?
Mike: Hi guys! Don't worry, I'm not staying, I'm just eating.
Jason: Hey, there it is! Mike can take you to get the paste.
Mike: Ben in my new car!
Maggie: Mike, it's not like he's going to stain the seats or something.
Mike: Oh, but Mom, I've got plans, I've got big plans! I don't have time to take care of this
Jason: Mike! Come on this little bozo happens to be your brother. Now take him to the
Mike: Great, I come in to get a sandwich and I wind up with a weeny.
Mike: Do you really need this paste?
Ben: Yeah Mike, I have to do a 3 D map for school.
Mike: For old Mrs. Cunningham? Hey hey, is she still alive?
Ben: Enough to give me homework. Did you have to do a dorky map too?
Mike: No Benny, it was my finest academic hour; I got Monaco. I glued one poker chip to a
three by five card and I was home free! Poor Boner got Russia; eight million sqaure miles of
ways to go wrong. So, what country did you get?
Ben: Just drive, OK?
Mike: Hey look, Dad gave me enough money for this paste, right?
Ben: Exact change.
Mike: Alright, I'll wait here; the less I'm seen with you the better.
Ben: Right, whatever.
Mike: What are you doing?
Ben: I forgot my comb.
Mike: Benny, you're buying paste, now what do you need your comb for?
Ben: Hey, you never know.
Mike: Benny, it's not like in there you're gonna run into a couple of babes like them. Well,
Girl 1: Hi.
Mike: Well...err...how are you two ladies this evening?
Girl 2: OK.
Mike: You underestimate yourselves.
Girl 1: So, what's up?
Ben: Oh, we're just buying a little paste.
Girl 1: Sticky, sticky, sticky.
Ben: And you said I wouldn't need my comb.
Mike: Benny, where are you going?
Ben: I'm going to get my paste.
Mike: Benny, forget the paste! Come on, let's go!
Mike: After 'em, now!
Ben: No, no, no! Benny, in the car!
Mike: There! There they are in the red Votswagen!
Ben: Mike, are you sure we should be doing this?
Mike: Oh come on Benny! That's what we were put on this earth to do! We're guys.
Ben: Yeah, but where are we going?
Mike: Wherever our women are going. That's the beauty of it; it could be anywhere.
Ben: Do you think there'll be some place there'll be paste?
Mike: Oh yeah, oh I'm sure there'll be lots and lots of paste where we're going! I bet there'll
be a whole house of paste.
Ben: OK, I get it. Come on Mike, they're getting away! What are you doing? I thought we were
Mike: Man, they ran the light!
Ben: So what are you, a boy scout? Come on Mike, work it what's happening?
Police Officer: You boys were going a little fast back there, were'nt you?
Ben: Not fast enough; the girls got away!
Police Officer: I see!
Mike: Ignore him officer, he's the shame of the family.
Ben: He's right, I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't want to chase girls, I wanted to finish
my 3 D map for school.
Police Officer: For Mrs. Cunningham? Hey, is she still alive?
Ben: Yeah. So what country did you get?
Police Officer: Russia.
Ben: Same here. What'd you do?
Police Officer: I'm still working on it. Hey look...err...you boys got problems enough, forget the
Mike: Ha ha, yes sir!
Police Officer: I've been looking for Pottash for twenty years.
Mike: Oh yes, I just beat a ticket!
Ben: And I helped.
Ben: Like I was telling Carol before, I do my best work under pressure.
Mike: Let's go get your paste.
Ben: Hey Mike, pull over!!
Mike: What? What? Where? Did you see the girls?
Ben: I heard that! Yo Haz, Bagee, Raphee, what's up?
Stinky: Ben, what are you doing in an actual car?
Ben: Oh, me and Mike have just been chasing babes, ducking cops; you know, the usual.
Boy: My brother won't even let me go in his car; he's afraid I'll stain the seats.
Stinky: Hey Mike, nice wheels!
Mike: Hey thank you stink man, that means a lot coming from a jockey.
Boy: So, how's the interior?
Mike: It's ice-cream free, and it's gonna stay that way. Come on Benny, we need to get your
Stinky: Paste! You haven't done your map yet? Wooo.
Ben: Hey, who cares about a stinking map? We're cruising here! Let's roll, Mike!
Mike: Yo ho, Eddy!
Eddy: Michael, what are you doing in Soho flying a car?
Mike: Ah, Benny and I are just ducking babes and chasing cops! You know, the usual.
Eddy: Yeah right! And picking up a few Bucks for babysitting the bozo, huh?
Ben: Yeah, I wouldn't mind that if it wasn't coming from a jockey.
Mike: Hey Benny, Benny look!!
Girls: Sticky, sticky, sticky!!
Eddy: Your women!
Mike: Yeah, those women are after me and Ben, ha!
Ben: Didn't you hear the man? They're after Mike and me.
Eddy: Yeah, well if one of you is unable to fulfil the duties of you post, I'm in there.
Ben: Hey Mike, Mike!
Mike: What? What?
Ben: It's a school night, Mike!
Eddy: Excuse me Michael, man.
Ben: You hit me again, I'm gonna move my seat back!
Mike: Ben, here's your choices; Russia or Sticky sticky sticky.
Ben: Let's roll.
Mike: OK Eddy, how much cash you got?
Eddy: Oh, the usual.
Mike: Man, me too. Ben pull out your glue money.
Ben: I only got a Buck, eighty nine.
Mike: Err...one moment. Everybody, check the seats, now!
Eddy: Michael, what's this?
Mike: That's ???
Eddy: Alright, my man!!
Ben: Oh wow!
Mike: What are you so excited about?
Ben: I don't know.
Eddy: Thirteen Cents!
Mike: Thirteen Cents!
Eddy: Alright, we're in! We're in!
Eddy: Alright, Michael!! Wait slow down, we've got to find a girl with a training bra for Ben.
Mike: There they are, there they!
Ben: Let's go!
Jason: Honey, why are you cleaning the wind shield?
Maggie: Oh, because I can't see the movie.
Jason: I didn't bring you here for the entertainment, I brought you so that we could make-out.
You know what I mean.
Maggie: Honey, what if someone sees us?
Jason: Come on, who's gonna see us? What kind of sleazy people come to a drive-in?
Mike: Excuse us, could you tell us which way to the drive-in?
Girl 1: Ah, it's right behind you.
Girl 2: Why don't you come over here and face the right way? I'm Denise, and this is Shana.
Mike: Ah, hi, I'm Mike.
Girl 1: Who's the little guy?
Ben: I'm Ben.
Girl 2: Not you, silly! Him.
Eddy: Mmmm, little! Well, you know what they say about little guys, don't you?
Girl 1: Actually, I've never heard anybody say anything about little guys.
Eddy: Well, who needs this abuse? Come on guys, let's go!
Mike and Ben: See ya!
Girl 1: Found any paste yet, Ben?
Ben: Na. looking for paste seems like a dream to me now.
Eddy: I am five foot six and a half, OK? And still growing.
Jason: Why do we have to get Nachos?
Maggie: I'm starving, you lied to me about dinner.
Eddy: Maybe I should show 'em the hair on my back, that'll get 'em.
Jason: Hi, Eddy.
Eddy: Hi Mr. Seaver!
Jason: I'm here professionally.
Eddy: Yeah, me too.
Jason: Here with my wife.
Ben: What is Dad doing here?
Mike: I don't know. He was supposed to be going to dinner.
Ben: Maybe he got lucky.
Mike: Ben, married guys never got lucky.
Girl 2: Excuse us.
Eddy: Ladies! Smart move dusting the deadwood twinski.
Ben: They didn't dust us; we're dusting them.
Mike: Look, we're not dusting anyone, we just gotta leave. Let's go, Eddy.
Eddy: Hey, yo, Mikey, why do I gotta split?
Ben: Because they don't like you.
Girl 1: What happened?
Girl 2: What happened to what?
Girl 1: You were too hungry.
Girl 2: Was not. They're getting away! Start the car! Start the car!
Ben: So Mike, what do you say we go back to the store and get two more girls?
Eddy: Listen to the lad, he thinks it's so easy. He doesn't know the hours of hard work it takes,
just to get a girl to look you in the eye and not puke, right Mike?
Mike: I don't know what you're talking about Eddy.
Eddy: Well, I didn't mean puke I meant, turn away with a sick look.
Mike: I think we're being followed.
Eddy: Oh, who'd follow us?
Ben: Maybe Mom and Dad spotted us!
Eddy: Oh yeah, I caught your dad at the drive-in.
Mike: And you're just now telling us!
Eddy: Well I didn't feel it was germaine
Ben: Lose Mike, lose 'em!!
Mike: Alright, alright, no problem!
Eddy: Oh oh, I think we're being followed!
Ben: May I?
Mike: Of course. Guys! Guys! Guys! Cut it out! Come on! We've got to go get 'em.
Ben: You're driving!
Mike: Oh yeah.
Eddy: Oh, Seaver, where did you purchase such a fine machine?
Mike: OK, when I say now, you pop the clutch, once the engine starts you pop it back in! What
are you doing? Did I once mention the word, brakes?
Ben: I'm hungry!
Mike: You're hungry! You pick a time like now to be hungry?
Ben: I didn't pick it, my stomach did!
Eddy: Hey I could eat too, Michael.
Mike: But guys, what about the girls?
Eddy: Well they hated me, remember?
Mike: And I mean, what about the money? I mean, we have no money!
Ben: Allow me.
Mike: Who's that?
Ben: That's Francis, a kid from my class.
Eddy: Now I'm not eating garbage out of some alley, unless it's really good.
Ben: Relax! You guys want burgers?
Mike and Eddie: Yeah.
Ben: Alright, three burgers. Anybody for fries?
Eddy: Sure. Oh, make mine onions rings, I'm gonna be alone tonight.
Mike: All of that for onion rings!
Ben: Ah no, I was just wishing Francis good luck on his map tomorrow.
Mike: Oh! Oh man, this is great!
Eddy: Yeah. He gets food, he gets girls, we should bring him out with us more often.
Eddy: Come to think of it, who needs you? Mike and I have never really been all that close...
Ben: Alright, I'm ready.
Eddy: Hey my friend says he's ready, come on!
Mike: Now remember, when I say now, you pop the clutch...
Ben: You said before, I got it.
Mike: That was then, this is now. The brake Benny, the break!
Eddy: He doesn't want either one of us now.
Ben: Oh I'm alive...I'm alive, I'm alive! This is fun. Err...I'm not driving.
Police Officer: Well what do you call it?
Ben: Well, it was just going and I was just stearing. I should be thanked.
Police Officer: You're about thirteen, right?
Police Radio: Officer needs assistance! Officer needs assistance, sixteenth on main.
Police Officer: Kid, this is your lucky night.
Mike: Benny! Benny! Benny, what happened? What did you tell the cop?
Ben: I don't know? All I did was wish he'd go away and he did.
Mike: OK, let's get you home before Mom and Dad's movie lets out.
Ben: Alright, hop in.
Eddy: OK, this is close enough. My car's just down at the end.
Mike: OK. Eddy!
Mike: It's Dawitt!
Eddy: Our Principal?
Ben: Guys, you graduated two years ago.
Mike: Oh! Hey hey, Mr. Dawitt. Nice shorts!
Mr. Dawitt: Well, well, well, Seaver, Zaff, how wonderful it is not to see you two any more.
Eddy: Thanks Mr. D, you too.
Ben: Mr. Dawitt, we've met.
Mr. Dawitt: I know that you little Gnat.
Eddy: Hey, Mr. D, attractive poultry.
Mr. Dawitt: Well, you boys out casing the joint?
Mike: Oh no, Mr. D, we're just kind of cruising around.
Mr. Dawitt: Well enjoy these times boys, there's a cold wind blowing; each year you get a little
older and slip further and further away from these care-free jaunts. Before you know it, one
day you look back and a night like this is maybe, just maybe, the best night of your life.
Didi: Willis, that isn't your cigar smoke is it?
Mr. Dawitt: Did darling. Have you boys met the Mrs?
Mr. Dawitt: Good.
Didi: Willis, don't be so grumpy. Hi, I'm Didi Dawitt.
Mike: I'm Mike Seaver.
Didi: Say, I've heard of you. But somehow I pictured you taller, angrier and armed.
Mike: Well, thank you.
Eddy: And I'm Edward Zeff.
Didi: Well I've never heard of you.
Ben: I can't remember my name right now.
Didi: Charming, I'm sure. Come on babeling, let's go home now.
Mr. Dawitt: Right behind you, honey.
Mike: Well, it looks like there's a little more to Mr. Dawitt, than meets the eye.
Ben: He's lucky he hasn't lost an eye.
Eddy: Hey, I'll catch you guys later.
Mike: OK. Hey, say, Ed, what are you driving these days?
Eddy: Oh, err...nothing special, it's just down there.
Mike: Oh, yeah, where?
Eddy: Yeah, just down at the corner.
Mike: Oh yeah, which car?
Eddy: The bike. The bike, OK? Get off my back!
Ben: Let's go.
Mike: Wait a minute, Benny, haven't you forgotten something?
Ben: My paste! Great! Mr. Dawitt was right; this was the best night of my life.
Mike: Hey Benny, you didn't do so bad for a guy who started out with exact change for paste.
Ben: Can you imagine, somewhere in the city, there's a girl dreaming about me, right now.
Girl 1: You guys are nasty boys.
Ben: Hey, we were gonna come looking for you but err...he wanted to eat.
Girl 2: You guys gonna be cruising this weekend?
Mike: Hey, you know we will.
Girl 2: See you then.
Girl 1: Here's a little present for my sticky boy.
Mike: Ben, don't get any one ya.
Mike: Benny, I am beat.
Ben: What, you're not gonna help me with my map project?
Mike: Benny, you're gonna do your map now? It's almost midnight.
Ben: It's due in eight hours.
Mike: Benny, aren't you tired?
Ben: Mike, I don't think I'll ever sleep again.
Maggie: Mike, what are you and Ben doing out at this hour?
Mike: We were err...
Jason: Tell me, you're not just getting home from buying paste.
Ben and Mike: We're not just getting home from buying paste.
Jason: Look, just a second, you...
Mike: How was your dinner?
Ben: So, it was a sit down place, not a drive-in?
Jason: A drive-in? Oh, driving, we had to drive in, in the car, we had to.
Maggie: Err, but do we really wanna stand in the drive-way in the middle of the night and talk
restaurants? I think not. Do you think they know?
Jason: No, of course not Maggie. They're just kids!
Ben: Hey look see, they forgot about us.
Ben: Hey, you up for another burger?
Mike: Benny, what about your map?
Ben: I do my best work under pressure.