Growing Pains 511
Maggie's mom = Kate (Grandma)
Maggie's dad = Ed (Grandpa)
e Top of the morning to you.
j Hi Ed, Kate. Ed!! Ed, what are you doing here?
e Got your key out from under the mat; first place a burglar would look, by the way.
k I tried to use the micro wave, but I blew something up.
j Maggie!! Your folks have favoured us with another one of their surprise visits!
e For once the head shrinker knows what he's talking about.
k If you'd tell me where the fire extinguisher is, I'd be happy to cook breakfast.
ma Daddy, what are you doing here?
k Margaret, we did not come all this way to see you; we came to see our grandchildren.
e Carol! Ben! Front and centre!! Michael!
j Wake me when they're gone.
ma Jason, that's not polite.
ca Grandma, Grandpa, hi!
mi Ah come on, it's Saturday morning, for crying out loud!
ma Ah Mike, your grandparents are here.
k Oh, your grandfather's the same way, until he's had his morning sit-down.
e Kate, I don't think anyone's gonna be interested in that. Anyway, I know you're dying to
know why we're here.
j And for how long.
e The other day, we went over our will with our lawyer...
ma Mom, Daddy, are you sick?
e Well, you know, your mother's always been a little ify. Well, other than that we're in perfect
health. Well, what we've decided to do is give our grandkids their bequests now.
k The point is, why wait until we're dead to enjoy ourselves.
e Here. Here, and Michael, here.
b It's cash.
mi Wow! A whole lot of cash.
c Five thousand Dollars.
e And you can spend it any way you want.
Ben and Mike: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Ben and Mike: Thank you! Thank you!
ma Let your grandfather go; he can't breathe.
e Kate, I told you this would be more fun than going to Ireland.
ma Oh, Daddy, hold on here; before we get carried away...
c We can't accept it.
mi I'll take it!!
b I'll take it!!
j This is no way to act.
mi Dad, we'll split it with you.
e No you won't! This money belongs to Carol.
ma Daddy, none of us want your money.
mi Mom! Mom! What are you doing?
k Let go of the money, Maggie! Let go of the money!
e Listen to your mother!!! Nobody move!! Margaret, this is our money, it was our decision to
give it to the grandchildren, and this doesn't involve you at all!
mi Enough said!
ma But Daddy, I thought you were saving you money to go to Ireland.
e Oh, I can get crocked on Stout anywhere.
k He has.
e Right, Kids, here it is; and you can spend it as you will.
Mike and Ben: Thanks!
ma Don't touch that money! Jason, help me out here.
j OK, alright! I'll tell you exactly what we should do, is just sit down, together as a family and
talk this out.
e Oh sure and then you charge them five thousand Dollars for the session. No siree bob.
ma Daddy I will not sit still and watch my kids squander your life-savings.
b What does squander mean?
c It means spending you money on whatever you want, whether you need it or not.
e Kate, can you believe this?
k Yes, she's always been a sour child.
e It's a dark day when your only daughter won't honour your last will in testament.
e I guess when I used to fix your bicycle I couldn't have done much of a job.
ma Oh Daddy...
e Just when I used to get off work early so that I could come to your ballet recitals, that
ma Oh, please, I...I...
e And when I took that second job to put you through a highly academic high-school.
ma OK. Ok, the kids can keep the money.
mi Yes! Benny, so how are you gonna spend yours?
b I don't know but that squander thing sounds pretty good to me.
mi Carol, you better get down to the bank; I mean by hanging out here, you've already blown
like sixteen Cents in interest.
c I don't like this.
j Ed, I gotta hand it to you; I have never seen a parent use guilt the way you do.
e Yep. I gotta admit, I'm good.
j I mean, Mike and Carol are over eighteen, but I just can't let my thirteen year old son walk
out of this house, Ed, with five thousand Dollars in his pocket.
e Ha ha ha, you're too late.
j Ben! Ben! Ben!
g Wow! And you can spend it any way you want?
b Yeah. And I got four thousand more in my shoes.
g Wow! Hey, I thought you looked collar.
b Here's Stinky. Keep the change.
st Ben, no-one's ever sent a cab for me before.
b This is only the beginning, Stink man, only the beginning.
Salesman: So, you really like this baby, huh?
mi Well, it looks a little beat-up.
sa Beat up? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This machine has been completely reconditioned by my
own skilled technicians. It's a steal at fifteen hundred.
mi Well, actually, I can spend a little bit more than that.
sa Thank God, for fifteen hundred, all you get bupkiss, right? Now, for forty seven hundred, I
can put you behind the wheel of this little cherry here.
mi Oh, boy, this is more like it.
sa Oh, did I say forty seven hundred? I meant fifty seven.
sa 2 Get out! And this time I mean, stay out!!
Fred: Can't a gentleman browse any more?
sa 2 Mr. Dognuts are for customers, pop! You had no intention of buying a car.
f Not with that attitude, I don't.
mi Fred! Fred, how you doing?
sa2 You know this bum?
mi Oh yeah! Fred's been washing my wind shields at stop-lights for years. Fred, how you
f Just dandy. Thank you very much for the inquiry. Can I offer you a doughnut?
sa Paul, call the cops!
f Perhaps another time.
sa OK, I said forty seven hundred, and that was a mistake, but it was my mistake, so...
mi Excuse me. Fred, you need a lift home?
f Oh, that's very kind, but I have transportation.
sa Forty five hundred, but I don't make a Nickel on it.
mi Excuse me.
sa Hey, what about the deal here?
mi Don't worry, I'll be back.
sa I'll be back, that's what they all say. Days like this, I almost wish I'd stayed a congress
sa 2 You and me both.
j Ah now, I don't understand Mrs Sullivan you just... You let Stinky just get into a cab without
asking him where he was going. Yes I did let Ben out the door with five thousand Dollars
without asking where he was going, but that... Technically. Alright, well if you hear from them
just let us know the name of the country they're buying.
ma This is all your fault, you know.
j My fault! Why?
ma Well, I couldn't stop them; I was crippled with guilt.
j Look, I never even intended to let Ben out the door.
ma Oh, so you're ducking all responsibility?
j Oh, OK! OK! I shouldn't have been distracted by your father playing you like a bass fiddle.
And...err...now listen, if you'd try to think of the meaning behing my words here, instead of
the words themselves, because... You! Ed! This is all your fault!
e I beg your pardon.
j Well because of you my thirteen year old son is God-knows-where, doing God-knows-what
with more money than he ever imagined.
e Yeah, and aint it grand. Aha! Got over your guilt and ready to go out and hit the mall, huh?
c Grandpa, the thought of spending this money, makes me very sad.
c Because it forces me to realise there'll be a time when you're not around. Look, if you love
me you'll just take the money back.
e Sure honey.
c Thank you.
e But let's not tell your grandmother. This would break her heart.
e Oh, she's been waiting for this since the day you were born. The day that she bought you
that blanket that she knitted.
c Mr Blanky?
e The very same.
c Well, I had no idea.
e Of course, if this money makes you feel uncomfortable... I mean how does that compare to
an old lady's heart? Ah! Are you sure?
c Grandpa, you're pushing it.
f Where'd you go?
mi I'm right here.
mi Err...no thanks, I'll keep mine on.
f No, I mean another one; the wind whips through here and makes it a lot friskier than it is
outside. You know, maybe this winter I'm gonna make it to sunny Florida.
mi Oh, are you from Florida?
f No, but the word on the street is, they got great garbage behind Burt Reynold's dinner
mi Well I guess Lorny Ashen must be pretty handy in the kitchen.
f Does that surprise you? Well, we're in luck! Did you eat lunch yet?
mi Ah, no. No thanks, Fred, I'm not hungry.
f Of course. I understand.
mi Oh, well maybe just one bite.
f Aha! There you go. This is our lucky day! Looks like this used to be cream-filled.
f Lloyd, we've got company.
mi You have a dog.
f Not so loud; the landlord dissaproves. Here Lloyd, I got something for you, too. Hey, I hope
that isn't mine. Shall I heat up your doughnut?
mi Ah, no thanks.
(Music playing: "That's what I want")
g Here he is! Here he is!
b Thanks a lot guys!
g Hey, I think this was a great idea. I think every body worked up an appetite spending your
b I don't know if I can feed these people, man. I'm not sure if I have enough money!
st Are you kidding? You haven't even touched your right shoe.
b I sure did; at the arcade, at the record store, at the burger place, at the bowling alley... I
only got two hundred Dollars left!
g You blew four thousand eight hundred Dollars in one day!
b I guess I did.
st What the heck were you thinking?
Waitress: You're gonna have to order something; and it better not be one Cola with sixty
g Burgers for everybody!
Friends: Benny! Benny! Benny!
w You sure you got enough money?
b Ahh...give me two hundred Dollars worth of burgers. Hey, what's going on here?
Owner: Congratulations! You are Burger Bar's one millionth customer! Which means, your
order is on the house! And I am pleased to present you with five thousand Dollars!!! No more
money, I can't afford.
g Hey, you can't blame 'em man, you're the one who bought their friendship.
st No-one knows you did five thousand. Let's keep it between us.
j Hey, what's going on out there?
b Dad, be careful, I bought them a lot of things that they could throw.
j You bought them things?
g Yeah, he blew his whole wad on those ungreatful pigs.
ma Did I hear that correctly young man, that you blew your whole wad?
b I did.
ma Oh, well this is worse than I imagined. Now I can understand wasting a hundred Dollars,
but to leave here this morning with five thousand Dollars and come home with... How much do
you have left?
b Five thousand two hundred.
Jason and Maggie: What?
b I won it, OK?
j Ben, we're gonna talk about this, just as soon as I get rid of these kids.
g Oh, don't worry Dr Seaver, we won't let any of those kids near Ben, when we spend his next
five thousand Dollars.
ma Do you boys really think I'm gonna let Ben out that door with this much money, you're
st You did before.
ma Well, one of us did.
b I'm not gonna spend a Dime of this money. I don't even want this money.
Gary and Stinky: We'll take it! We'll take it!
j Hey! Hey! Hey!
g Yeah, who needs Ben?
b Hey!! If all you care about is my money, then get out!
g If we stay, what do we get?
b Out! Out! Out! I bought you guys CD's, I bought you guys the Jackets! I even bought you
ma You bought Stinky underwear!
b No, it was new.
sa Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Not many buyers are shrewd enough to test drive a car with the top off
in the dead of winter.
mi This thing does have a top, right?
sa Of course it does! What sort of business man do you think I am? It's on order.
mi Boy, I love this thing!
sa Like I said, fifty seven hundred, out the door!
mi Well, wait a minute, you said forty seven hundred.
sa Deal! Let's sign the papers.
mi It sure is cold out here.
sa Oh, yeah. So, will you be giving me the whole fifty seven hundred in cash?
j Ben, I think maybe you're being a little bit extreme.
b All I said was that I hope Stinky and Gary explode! What's extreme about that?
c Hello everybody.
ma Carol, we really don't have time for that.
c Where's Grandma and Grandpa?
ma Hopefully they exploded.
j In the kitchen, honey.
ma You are so helpful on the inconsequential questions. Ben, cut the bologne and get down
k Eddy, you don't suppose our gifts to the kids have caused tension around here, do you?
c Oh good, you're both here. Well I was out walking for two hours trying to figure out the best
way to spend this money; and I wanted something that could beging to repay you for
knitting Mr Blanky.
k I didn't knit that, I found it.
c You what?
e I think we're getting a little off the track here. Let the child talk.
c Well, you said I could spend it any way that would make me happy, so this is what I bought.
e What the heck is this now?
c Two first-class round-trip tickets to Ireland.
k Carol, I had no idea you wanted to go to Ireland.
c Not for me! For you two.
k For us? Oh, that's wonderful.
e Look, if I had wanted to take a trip to Ireland, I could have bought it myself.
c Well, sure you could have, but you didn't. You gave the money to us instead.
e Exactly. That's why you had no business doing this.
c You said you wanted the pleasure of watching us spend it, so here; I had the travel agent
take it as I gave him the money.
e Oh. Honey I don't know what to say.
c I just want you two to be careful in Ireland because...they drive on the other side of the road
k Oh, Eddy, all these years you've been driving in the wrong country.
b I don't understand how money turns people into pigs.
j Well, Ben that's a start; just to realise that money did change you.
b Not me! Stinky and Gary.
j Ben, tell me just how did they force you to buy all these things?
b Force me! They were very tricky about it.
j Well, they made it seem like your idea, right?
ma Well there's a reason for that, Ben...it was your idea.
b So, you think I blew five thousand Dollars on purpose.
j No, I think you probably just lost your head.
b Me? Didn't you see Stinky and Gary tug on that cheque like animals?
ma Oh, kind of like you and Mike did, this morning.
b Yeah. Oh!
j You just had an important thought there, Ben.
b I was afraid of that. So not only did I blow five thousand Dollars, I was wrong too.
ma That about sums it up.
j So, Ben, what are we going to do with all your winnings?
b Well, you could give me another shot to spend it any way I want.
ma Is that really what you think?
b No, I just figured we all need a good laugh about now.
k Maggie! Jason! Our granddaughter just did the most wonderful thing with her money.
b It figures.
c Ben, you're in pain, how sad.
e She's sending us out of the country.
j Carol, that is a terrific idea.
e You're so predictable.
ma Hey, learn something from your sister.
b What? How to eat.
c What's that?
ma You didn't buy a car too, did you?
b I might have.
mi Ta-da!! Alright, alright, what do you think? Come on, be honest.
j Well...err...at least you didn't blow all your money at once.
mi What do you mean, blow my money? Dad, this is a great car.
ma He spent every Dime.
e Just wait a damn blooming minute. Mike, are you happy with the way you spent your
mi Oh Grandpa, I have never been happier about anything in my whole life.
e Ah, then case closed!
k Ah, I don't get it; what did he buy?
e The piece of junk in the drive-way.
mi Hey, I'm telling you, once I fix this baby up, you won't even recognize her.
ma But you have no money left to fix it up with.
mi Ah, details! Details! Look, I'm gonna show this off to my friends, I'll see you later.
ma Oh, Jason, for what it's worth, I don't blame you for this.
j Of course not; we raised them.
ma Oh well look on the bright side; Carol did something nice, and Ben learned something
inspite of himself and...
j And Mike continued his perfect record of irresponsibility.
ma Well, it is a perfect record.
f Ah, excuse me! Is Michael at home?
ma Ah, you just missed him.
f Oh drat! Well, would you give him these, for his new vehicle and...oh...he forgot his
ma Thirty five hundred Dollars!
f He didn't give me nothing. I consider it merely as a short term loan, which I will repay in full
as soon as I return from Florida.
j Well, what do you know.
f I hear they got a lot of women there with teeth.
f Yeah. Maybe I'll even find a little Snouzer for Lloyd.
ma Well, there goes his perfect record.
j I never doubted the boy for a minute.