Growing Pains 509
Jason: Alright, well, that's our session for today. I'll be remodeling this office, so next week
we'll be at another address, OK?
Patient: A real office, huh?
Jason: This is a real office Mr. Lapepki, I do real work here.
Jason: Now, I'm not saying we have to have beamed ceilings, but let's not be afraid of spruce
Frank: You know what, why don't we just go take a look at your office?
Mike: Carol, do I detect a sudden interest in contracting?
Carol: Just because I look at a good-looking guy with a nice chest of power tools, doesn't
mean I'm ready to have his child!
Paul: Jason Seaver!!
Paul: You son of a gun! How long's it been?
Jason: About a week. You had dinner at my place, remember?
Paul: Oh! Then why am I hugging you?
Jason: I don't know. You always do that when you see me; you're starting to get on my
Paul: Have you seen your office?
Paul: Oh, let me show you.
Jason: I really have to thank you and Phil for letting me use this office.
Paul: Hey jees, hey please, don't mention Phil, huh. He's off at a Zurich conference, and I'm
stuck here with a double patient load.
Jason: Oh, well, at least you're not bitter about it.
Maggie: He has got to be kidding. Thelma have you seen this assignment sheet?
Maggie: Thelma, you typed it.
Thelma: Well yeah, but I didn't read it. That way I don't get involved.
Maggie: I'm supposed to do a feature entitled, "Winterizing your Dog." So rather than writing
an insightful, respectable, journalistic piece for Esquire Magazine, I'll be showing people how
to put snow tyres on their Shiatsus.
Thelma: Nice alliteration.
Maggie: So this is the day, I take my stand.
Maggie’s Boss: I have failed to make use of your journalistic talent! I accept full responsibility!
As of today, I'm out of here.
Maggie: Oh, well I didn't mean you have to quit.
Maggie’s Boss: I didn't quit, I'm fired.
Maggie: You're kidding.
Maggie’s Boss: Station manager's unhappy with our image, so he hired a media consultant, he
consulted, I'm gone.
Maggie: But that is so unfair! Oh, what if we're all gone?
Maggie: You certainly seem to have had a good day!
Jason: Good, doesn't begin to describe it, Maggie; I had a great day! I had the most fabulous
office, the people down there are terrific, and two doctors...count 'em...two doctors consulted
me on their cases. I have never been so excited. How was your day?
Maggie: My boss was fired, and I may be next.
Paul: How would you like to take over for Phil here?
Jason: Well, it's a very unexpected offer! A very attractive offer! Maybe we could do something
finally about that free clinic idea, we talked about at lunch.
Jason: This is exactly the kind of work situation I have always dreamed of.
Paul: Oh, Jason, fantastic!!
Jason: I can't do it.
Paul: Jason, I promise I won't hug you again.
Jason: No, I have a deal with Maggie; we have always believed that one of us should be there
with the kids at all times. It's her time for career opportunities, not mine.
Jason: I feel that if Maggie's happy at her job, and by the way, I'm not sure that Maggie is all
that happy at her job! In fact it may not even be her job anymore if they decide who they're
going to fire! Ho ho, wouldn't that be something if Maggie got canned! No! No!
Jason: Oh hi honey.
Maggie: Hi honey, how was your day?
Jason: Well, to tell you since you asked, there was something kind of wanted to talk to...
Maggie: Mine was, absolutely with out a doubt, the most fabulous day of my entire life! Not
only did they not fire me, you are looking at the core of channel nine's new news team! From
now on we're a hard news network, and I am their number one hard news reporter! They
don't want to fire me, they want to sign me to a seven year contract!!
Frank: No it's true...
Carol: (In her head) God, look at those eyes! He's gonna take a breath, I've got to say
something: I suspected that.
Frank: You'd be surprised how many women find my shop talk...boring.
Carol: The fools. (In her head) Your talk is boring, but your shop looks great.
Ben: Stinky, Party after school, my place; lasers, ladies, no parents. Of course you're invited,
that's why I called you.
Mike: Benny, Benny, Benny, let me give you some pointers on your little wing-ding here,
Ben: I'm all ears.
Mike: Alright, now if...if you are gonna have this party, and if this is gonna be full of frisky little
horn bowls...and if! You do not want Mom and Dad finding out about this thing...
Ben: Mike, stop saying, if! I'm having the stinking party!
Mike: Come on Benny, give me some diability here.
Mike and Ben: Morning Dad!
Jason: Only coffee! Come on, whose turn to make breakfast?
Jason: Fine, fine, I'll whip something up myself. Comes with the territory when you're the
parent who works at home.
Maggie: Good morning.
Maggie: See you guys later.
Mike: See you, Mom.
Jason: Not having breakfast!
Maggie: Oh honey, I can't stay. Dick and Steve said they wanted to talk to me first thing about
some of the changes they have in store for their new star reporter. Ooh, that's what they
called me. Oh honey, I still can't believe all this is happening.
Jason: Neither can I.
Carol: May I touch your drill?
Carol: Dad, can't you knock?
Jason: I just want you to know, that it did not go unnoticed that it was your turn to make
Carol: But it was Mike's turn, remember?
Jason: Oh, as long as I'm here Carol, let me remind you that the reason that Frank is here this
week, and the only reason, is to remodel my office, OK? This is a job that is very important to
me and a job that I care about very much.
Frank: Doctor Seaver, isn't it coming along?
Jason: Who cares?
Maggie: Morning. Morning! Morning. Morning.
Thelma: Are you finished, Maggie?
Maggie: I just don't want people to change, now that I'm the centre piece of the news.
Thelma: Well they said to send you in as soon as you got here.
Maggie: Wish me luck. Oh, don't bother, I don't need anymore luck.
Maggie: (On TV. One of her old new pieces) Who says puppy love can't end up in marriage.
Sometimes love is lovelier with four feet on the ground.
Priest: (TV) Do you take poop eater Kennedy as your lawful wedded Shiatsu?
Maggie: (TV) From the Woof Woof wedding chapel on Long Island, this is Maggie Malone for
Channel Nineteen News.
(Her bosses are laughing at the show)
Maggie: I'll just clean out my desk and be gone.
Dick: Maggie, Maggie, sit down.
Steve: This is the past, right Dick?
Dick: My research says, News Nineteen's approach has alienated its viewers.
Steve: Yeah. Which is why, Dick has come up with a campaign to let everybody know, we're a
hard-news operation now.
Dick: Bill boards all over New York City.
Steve: No more dog weddings, Maggie. Hard news, right Dick?
Dick: Hard as a body builders butt.
Steve: Yeah, well we'll be shooting the first promo spot for the new campaign tomorrow, your
Maggie: My house! Wouldn't it be better to do it..
Dick: Maggie, did you see that spot with Dan Rather walking down the beach musing about
Maggie: No I didn't...
Dick: Well you're getting the director who shot that!
Steve: Maggie, you can put this in the bank. Channel Nineteen is going to be spending its
resources on solid, hard news. No more mini cam crews, and investigative stories, no more
flashy sets and hairdressers.
Dick: Sound good?
Maggie: Oh boy, it sure does. Oh, but I would still get to have a...hair person, right?
Jason: ...in direct, the core of Mr. Mitchell's problem is his inability to tell his wife, how he
really feels. Ha, must be contagious!
Jason and Kevin: Strike that last word!
Kevin: I'll have these notes, typed and on your desk before lunch.
Jason: OK Kev, good. Thanks.
Kevin: Your next patient isn't due until eleven...Mrs. Proll.
Jason: Oh, yes, well...err...could you...
Kevin: Her file's under your elbow.
Jason: I'm think of a number between one and ten, Kevin; do you know what it is?
Jason: Amazing. Three, yeah; the number of days left before I say, goodbye office.
Paul: Hey Jase.
Jason: Hi Paul.
Paul: I just got to apologise to you for giving you a hard time the other day. I was being
selfish, because quite frankly I just wanted you to work here so bad. But hey listen, you made
this deal with Maggie, and you should honour it, OK? I'm sorry.
Jason: That's it? You're not going to try to talk me into staying again?
Jason: I know you Paul! I know you're gonna try and pick apart my deal with Maggie. Go
ahead, take your best shot!
Paul: No, no, no, you're wrong, you're wrong. Frankly I respect your decision.
Jason: No, no, there's a lot to pick apart, I know. And sure, we made the deal almost five
Paul: No, no, no, no, no, wait you're wrong...
Jason: And there is not the same need for a parent to be at home and Mike and Carol and Ben
are all far older and more mature now, yes.
Paul: Well, that's true but...
Jason: And as for Chrissy, OK! I know, there’s a great day-care centre down the hall; throw
that in my face, why don't you?
Paul: Jason, it's not...
Jason: The point that you're missing here, Paul, is that Maggie expects me to be home. Even if
the reasons for it don't exist anymore... Well, they don't, do they?
Paul: Listen, I'm not following this whole train of thought here...
Jason: OK! OK! Paul, I will tell Maggie exactly how I feel! Just get off my back.
Jason: And when I mention day care, you smile, OK. Yes, because if you do that other thing,
I'm a dead man. Maggie, Carol's obviously old enough to take care of herself now, and Mike,
well hey, we've done all we can with him; and Ben, Ben he's so mature now, isn't he?
Ben: Alright, now it's time for a little dirty dancing.
Jason: Benjamin Hubert Horatio Humphrey Seaver!
Ben: Dad! What party?
Jason: Out, go, out, out, out, out, everybody! Not you! You were home too!
Carol: Well yeah, but... Well Frank was using power tools.
Jason: I can't believe... You kids can't be trusted. What was I thinking?
Mike: Hey Benny, here are those CD's that... that you absolutely cannot borrow for this illegal
party that I knew absolutely nothing about!
Ben: Come on.
Stinky: This was a great party, Ben.
Jason: Go Stinky!
Girl: Your name is Stinky? It fits!
Ben: Dad, let me explain how Mike got me into this.
Jason: Hey, I want you to go up to your room and don't you come down until you can shave.
Ben: Shave what?
Jason: I don't care! Now I sure don't need these anymore. I can't believe... My one chance to
turn this whole deal thing around and I'm foolish enough to count on you kids to help! Mike,
where are you going?
Mike: We...well I was gonna put these in water for you, Dad.
Jason: Carol, what was going on in there that you couldn't hear what was happening out here?
Carol: Dad, I don't like what you're implying.
Jason: What is on your backside?
Mike: Carol, looks to me like your butts got a big mouth.
Carol: You think these are Frank's, Dad! Dad they're mine! Well, I was just talking to him and
standing like this.
Mike: God Carol, and Dad was worried you were hot for the guy.
Jason: Maybe it's time I had a worried with Frank... Maybe more than a word.
Carol: Dad, please!
Jason: And another thing, you're fired!
Maggie: Chrissy's upstairs, ready to go. Where are the other kids?
Jason: Well, Ben just blew through here like a shot, Carol mumbled something about breakfast
at work, and Mike...hey who's seen him?
Maggie: I can't say I blame them. You were pretty rough on them last night.
Jason: Well, do you think I over-reacted?
Maggie: I didn't say, over-reacted.
Jason: No, but you think that, don't you? Mmm?
Maggie: Jason, just calm down; with both of us gone all week, we were just asking for trouble.
Jason: Hey, they'll sure have a parent at home next week, won't they?
Maggie: So, which one do you think?
Jason: For what?
Maggie: For the news promo they're shooting here after work; Jason, I told you about it.
Jason: Oh, yes, errm...blue.
Maggie: The blue one?
Maggie: So how long have you hated the red one?
Producer: OK, let's go, let's go.
Maggie: Holy Moly.
Runner: She's here.
Steve: Maggie, you're here. Let's get you into make-up and get rolling, kid! We're paying
golden time here.
Dick: I need the husband and kids, now.
Maggie: I thought you said you wouldn't be using my family.
Dick: I'm not. People, let's hit the marks, come on!
Maggie: Who are these people?
Dick: Your family.
Jason 2: Yo!
Steve: We've got to sell some relatability here, and a family really helps us do that.
Maggie: Well, why not use my real family?
Steve: OK, we discussed that, right, Dick?
Dick: We sure did.
Steve: Consensus was, your real family was too...errm... Dick, what's the word I'm looking for
Dick: Old, Steve! Too old.
Producer: OK, we are rolling and...queue her!
Maggie: Jason, honey, can I freshen that up for you?
Jason 2: Sure, Maggs.
Maggie: I just can't do it.
Dick: Oh, why?
Maggie: I can't call him Jason. I am a journalist, I can't say things that aren't true.
Steve: Maggs, babe, I thought we went through all this.
Dick: Maggie, I am in the image business; now I would never tell you how to do a news story
because I'm not a news guy; but please, let me do my job here.
Steve: Let's get some viewers watch you do the news, by making a great promo here. What
do you say?
Jason 2: Hey, I'm game.
Producer: Still rolling.
Jason: Wow, what's all this?
Maggie: Well, this is the promo and...err...
Jason: Who are you?
Jason 2: Maggie's husband.
Jason: I'm Maggie's husband.
Jason 2: Oh, no you're not. Did your agent call you?
Mike: I can't believe it. I'm an actor and they won't even let me play me.
Ben: The kid who's playing me is a full blown weenie.
Carol: What about the girl they have playing me! I mean, does she look anything like I did
when I was twelve?
Mike: It's hard to tell, she was sitting down.
Ben, Mike and Carol: Hey, Dad, Dad!!
Jason 2: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm on a five!
Ben: Boy, this is weird.
Ben, Mike and Carol: Hey, Dad, Dad, Dad!!
Jason: Just zip it, all of you!
Mike: Dad, come on!
Jason: Look, if your mom has a chance to take advantage here of a very terrific professional
opportunity, so don't we owe it to her to be supportive; so just shut up, until she does this
stupid stinking promo!!
Mike: I like the other guy better.
Thelma: Behind closed doors!! Nobody's allowed in.
Maggie: Tell me Thelma, what do you think of Steve and Dick?
Thelma: I think I work for them.
Maggie: So you don't believe things are gonna be any different around here.
Thelma: Of course I believe it.
Maggie: I'm starting to doubt it. That promo yesterday didn't mention a thing about news, and
when I asked them what was going on, they said, trust us, wait until you see the promo, wait
till you see the promo!
Thelma: Wanna see the promo? You didn't get it from me.
TV The heart of the new Channel Nineteen News Team, Maggie Malone. She's a committed
journalist! A dedicated professional! A former cheerleader!
Maggie: That's not my body.
TV And she's a mom, just like you. Sure Maggs! She doesn't just report the news, she lives it!
And you can count on this type of honesty every night on Channel Nineteen News with Maggie
Malone. (Maggie on TV) I am journalist, I just can't say things that aren't true.
Maggie: Honestly, everything they showed us was a total lie. I mean, can you believe it? I
mean I may have done dog weddings, but I have never lied on camera, and they expect me to
sign up for seven years of this!
Thelma: That would be forty nine dog years.
Maggie: Thank you Thelma.
Thelma: Well it's tough finding things to say, when the only things I could say could get me
Maggie: Well maybe I'm gonna go and say a few things that could get me fired! Excuse me. I
Thelma: Oh, sure you can. Take those free-lance writing assignments I always hear you
Maggie: No, I'd love to, but I can't.
Thelma: You said you wanted to be home for your baby, here's your chance.
Maggie: No, it's not.
Thelma: Why not?
Maggie: Because we can't afford to have both of us working at home.
Thelma: Well couldn't Jason...
Maggie: No. No, Jason and I have a deal and he loves having his practice there and I just can't
mess that up.
Thelma: Well how do you know he loves working at home?
Maggie: Because he just spent thousands of Dollars re-doing his office...and if you know my
husbands, you know that's love.
Jason: Oh, it's just not the same.
Jason: Oh, in here honey.
Maggie: Wow, this place looks great.
Jason: Yep. So, how was work today?
Maggie: Oh, it was, you know...work. I bet you're gonna be really happy seeing patients in
Jason: Happy...well... Happy isn't even the word.
Maggie: I thought so.
Jason and Maggie: You know...
Jason: Go ahead.
Maggie: Oh, it was nothing really. I was just thinking.
Jason: Yeah, me too. I...errm... Well what were you thinking?
Maggie: Oh, about our deal. How you moved your practice home, so that I could go back to
work and how great you've been about it.
Jason: Yeah, well, not that great.
Maggie: You don't like working at home?
Jason: Well, no, no, I love it. I love it.
Maggie: Oh. I thought so. I've never been more miserable!!
(Maggie and Jason shout out the truth to each other at the same time)
Jason: I don't wanna work in this office! I wanna be down there with Phil, I'd make more
money, they have daycare, I even get a secretary...
Maggie: Oh, I hate my job! It's not gonna be any better than before, in fact it's gonna be
worse. They expect me to lie on camera...
Jason: ...a male secretary. They want you to lie on camera?
Maggie: You could take over from Phil, permanently?
Jason: You never told me you hated your job!
Maggie: Well, why didn't you tell me you had an offer like that?
Jason: I wanted to honey! You were so excited about your seven year contract, plus I didn't
wanna violate our deal.
Maggie: Well, I didn't either.
Jason: Well you do now?
Maggie: I wanna work at home... I wanna write again... I wanna be with Chrissy.
Maggie: But how can I ask you to give up your new office?
Jason: I hate my new office! I spit on my office!
Maggie: Oh, I was willing to be miserable so as not to go back on our deal!
Jason: Honey, so was I! But, isn't being miserable for you partner, what marriage is all about?
Maggie: Oh, it is for us.
Jason: So...err... We have a new deal!
Maggie: We do.
Jason: And...err...you have a brand new office.
Maggie: In here?
Jason: Of course.
Maggie: Errm...like this?
Maggie: Well I see...book cases, you know? More of a country look.
Jason: Maggie, that's the way it was before.
Jason: Before I spent five thousand Dollars, Maggie.
Jason: I don't think you've given this a fair shake. So what do you think now?Maggie: The chair stays!