Growing Pains 508
Patient: All I'm saying is, that if my wife, the woman that I cherish, thinks getting a job is
more important than our marriage, let her die.
Jason: Mr. Lapepki, think for just a moment, isn't this woman the same person you married
ten years ago.
Patient: No, she's fat.
Jason: But does she not also have a right to her own professional fulfillment?
Patient: Wow, you're whipped!
Jason: Mr. Lapepki, let me share with you a personal anecdote, if I may; I was in a similar
situation about four years ago.
Patient: Ah, right, your wife was putting on the pounds too, huh?
Jason: No. No, but after fifteen years as a home-maker, she suddenly decided to resume her
career, I couldn't believe it! I mean, I certainly didn't want to give up everything I'd worked for
and come home! I mean, after all the patients that you deal with at a home practice, frankly
aren't always that inter... Ah, with the exception of you. So, I had a decision to make; what
came first, my career or my marriage... I came home. And quite frankly, Mr. Lapepki, I
couldn't be happier. Now, does that sound whipped, to you?
Patient: You can put it on pumpkin pie!
Jason: Alright, well that's our session for today. I'll be remodeling this office, so next week will
be at another address.
Patient: Oh, a real office, huh?
Jason: This is a real office Mr. Lapepki, I do real work here.
Patient: I didn't mean to insult you. I welcome the change. Psychiatrists with real offices are
so much more...interesting.
Maggie: Jason, I'm home!
Patient: She could whip me anytime.
Carol: Ben, my pancakes are cold.
Ben: So, sit on 'em.
Mike: Ben, what are these little black things in my pancakes?
Ben: The ones without legs are rasinettes.
Carol: You are never gonna cook breakfast again!
Ben: That's my plan.
Mike: Benny look, you are only seeing the downside of Dad going to work here. Now, there is
an upside too. OK, with Mom at work and Dad safely out of the way all week, when you get
home from school today...
Jason: You will behave exactly as if I was watching your every move.
Mike: Isn't that crazy, the man read my mind.
Maggie: I bought extra diapers, Chrissy isn't used to day care.
Jason: Where is that contract? I should have left five minutes ago. There's all that traffic and
then the toll, oh! Maggie, I'm gonna need exact change for the toll.
Mike: Allow me Dad. Ben, give the man a Buck.
Jason: Maggie, come on, you said you'd get me some extra diapers for Chrissy.
Maggie: I did, Jason. You're nervous.
Jason: Well, I'm not who's comfortable with change.
Ben: Then give me my quarters back.
Jason: You know everything I need is right here at home; I don't need to commute, and I
don't have any interruptions...
Ben: And you get to watch Operah. Everybody knows, Dad.
Maggie: And all these years I thought you were doing me a big favour by working at home.
Jason: Well, I'm not the kind of guy to bring it up, but I am! Oh finally!
Frank: Hi, I'm err... I parked my truck out on the front lawn, I hope it's OK.
Jason: Hey, everybody, this is Frank, he's gonna be remodeling the office.
Frank: My beeper went off, I gotta call it in. I heard the stinking beeper, get off my back will
you. Oh, is any one of you named Maggie Malone?
Frank: Gail something or other, from Esquire magazine. Could you make it quick.
Maggie: I heard, your beeper went off. Gail, can I call you right back on my husbands line?
Jason: Frank, about my office...
Frank: Just a sec. Go ahead, talk, I can do two things at once. Is there anything you wanna
have done? Any certain ideas?
Jason: Well just a few random thoughts off the top of my head really.
Frank: I gotta let you go. Yeah, I got another one of those.
Ben: (In his head) Hey, wait a second! I'm gonna have the whole house to myself, every
afternoon for a whole week. It's a good thing I got a poker face.
Maggie: Believe me Gail, I would love to do the article but the keep me so busy in town...
Jason: Losing these bookshelves will open up a whole work space here and...
Maggie: Oh Jason, I'm on the phone with Esquire.
Jason: Honey, don't we subscribe to enough magazines already? Oh! Well we need some time
to check these plans.
Maggie: Gail, I have to try yet another phone. Be patient with me.
Jason: Sorry. So, what this office really needs is just a new face! You know, I'd like to have an
office that says "a professional psychiatrist works here!" A professional psychiatrist, call me
Ben: Dad, I was just wondering, about what time are you gonna get home tonight.
Jason: I dunno, Ben, if I don't get outta here soon, I may not be home at all.
Ben: (In his head) This is better than I thought. What would Mike do in a situation like this?
Party! Party! Party!
Jason: I mean does this office say anything to you?
Frank: Not a peep.
Maggie: Sorry, I have no time to write anything. Bye. Can you believe I had to turn down
another terrific freelance assignment!
Jason: Can you believe, three thousand Dollars for textured walls!
Maggie: Sure, now that I'm being offered good articles to write, I'm too busy to take them!
Jason: And now that I bothered with medical school, I find out the big Bucks are in contracting!
Oh Chrissy, I'm sorry, Daddy wouldn't leave without ya!
Jason: Don't cry, baby. Bye bye baby!! Goo goo!
Kevin: You're a little early, the doctor’s not in yet.
Jason: Oh, yes he is.
Kevin: Sure he is.
Jason: Oh, I'm Jason Seaver, I'm gonna be in Dr. Bigman's office this...
Kevin: Right, we were expecting you. I'm Kevin Randall.
Jason: Hi. Oh, I was just putting my daughter in day care. So, what's your area of expertise?
Kevin: Filing, typing, steno.
Jason: Oh, you treat secretaries?
Kevin: I am a secretary. In fact, I'm yours.
Jason: Ah, a male secretary! That's kind of strangely...fascinating, as an idea, yes. Well,
err...I'll be in my office, which is where?
Paul: Jason Seaver, you son of a gun!
Jason: Hey Paul!
Paul: How long's it been?
Jason: About a week. You had dinner at my place, remember?
Paul: Oh, then why am I hugging you?
Jason: Well, I don't know, you always do that when you see me; it's starting to get on my
Paul: Have you seen your office?
Paul: Then let me show you.
Paul: Yeah. Alright!
Jason: A male secretary?!
Paul: Come on! Where have you been, Jase?
Jason: Well, it's just that I've never had a secretary with hairier legs than mine! Once maybe,
but that's another story. I really have to thank you and Phil, for letting me use this office.
Paul: Hey, jees, hey please, don't mention Phil, huh? He's off at a Zurich conference, and I'm
stuck here with a double patient load!
Jason: Ah well, at least you're not bitter about it.
Paul: Nice furniture, huh?
Jason: Are you kidding!
Paul: I own it, but I leased it back to myself, through my own corporation, for a double rent
Jason: You still practise psychiatry though?
Paul: Nice chair, huh? It vibrates!
Jason: Oh good, I thought it was me.
Paul: And, it's got a built in phone!
Paul: OK, let's see now; You know about the day-care centre, You know there's a running track
on the roof here! Wow wow wow wow wow, I've gotta get going, I've got two patients waiting
Jason: Alright, well if you get swamped this week, I'd be happy to pitch in!
Paul: Oh, I may take you up on that.
Jason: I'll just have my chair call your chair. Hello! Hello!
Maggie: He has got to be kidding! Thelma, have you seen this assignment sheet?
Maggie: Thelma, you typed it!
Thelma: Well yeah, but I didn't read it; that way, I don't get involved.
Maggie: I'm supposed to do a feature entitled, "Winterizing your dog". So, rather than writing
an insightful, respectable, journalistic piece for Esquire magazine, I'll be showing people how
to put snow tyres on their Shiatsus
Thelma: Nice alliteration.
Maggie: So, this is the day, I take a stand. Mr. Sedlovich, I am a darn good reporter, and I
have worked very hard to show you that, but it's not easy when the biggest story I have done
in months is, "Gingivitis, are your gums trying to tell you something!"
Boss: I have failed to make use of your journalistic talent. I accept full responsibility, as of
today, I'm out of here.
Maggie: Well, I didn't mean that you had to quit!
Boss: I didn't quit, I'm fired!
Maggie: You're kidding!
Boss: No. I'm fired. If I were kidding, I would not be packing all of my worldly possessions into
this incredibly smelly box. Do you want my happy feet?
Maggie: Oh, Mr. Sedlovich, how can they do this to you?
Boss: Station manager's unhappy with our image, so we hired a media consulted. He
consulted. I'm gone.
Maggie: But that is so unfair. Well, what if we're all gone?
Boss: Oh, I don't think you have to worry, Maggie, I said some very nice things about you. Of
course, I said some very nice things about me too, and look what happened. Well, I guess
that's about it.
Maggie: Mr. Sedlovich, if there's anything I can do, let me know. I mean it...anything.
Boss: You know, I might take a shot at print journalism again. That guy from Esquire that
keeps calling you, what's his number?
Maggie: Oh, it's five six five it's... Wait a second, I... Mr. Sedlovich, I may need that number...
Boss: Bye Maggie.
Maggie: Bye Sid.
Boss: Bye office. No number, no feet.
Mike: Oh great Mom, you're home!
Maggie: Oh you are...
Mike: Yeah, I forgot Dad was at work, and I thought I might have to make my own dinner.
Maggie: Good to see you too, Mike.
Mike: Oh, Mom, you've had a hard day at work, huh? Maggie listen, you should really ease up,
I mean you're getting some major frown lines.
Maggie: If you value your life Mike, back off.
Jason: Ha ha, hello Maggie, hello Mike.
Mike: Dad, get a grip on yourself.
Maggie: Well you seem to have had a good day.
Jason: Good, doesn't begin to describe it Maggie. I had a great day!! I'm telling you, I had the
most fabulous office, the people down there are terrific, and today two...count 'em...two
doctors consulted me on their cases. I have never been so excited! How was your day?
Maggie: My boss was fired, and I may be next!
Maggie: Oh Jason, it's like a morgue down at the station. They hired a media consulted to
change our whole image, and today he was deciding who to can.
Jason: Oh, honey, just because you're being evaluated doesn't mean you're going to be fired.
You're a good reporter, they're gonna realise that.
Maggie: That's true. I am a good reporter.
Jason: Remember that story of Gingivitis, please!! And that cute little dog wedding! Honey,
when that little beagle caught the bouquet in his teeth, I cried!
Maggie: Oh, Jason!!
Carol: Can I get you anything else; cereal, a doughnut, eggs Florentine with hollandaise
Frank: I'm fine.
Carol: You're telling me.
Jason: Hi Carol, hey as long as you're fixing breakfast, can I get a scrambled egg?
Carol: Dad, you want me to be late for work!
Jason: Hi, Franky, I got a whole new way to go!!! You don't take suggestions well, do you?
Jason: Well, I just figured that...err...you know if you're tearing out all these book shelves
anyway, why not put in...I don't know...a whole wall of Japanese screens. You know, maybe do
the rest of the room in some blue/grey tones, huh?
Frank: I think I should have charged you by the hour.
Jason: Yeah. Well, I gotta run...my colleagues are expecting me. Well I guess I can't put it off
any longer, I better get into the office.
Maggie: Oh, honey, you don't have to fake being down for me, I'm fine.
Jason: You sure?
Maggie: Yeah, what can I do? It's out of my hands.
Jason: Well, that's a very good attitude.
Maggie: But, if what I think is going to happen to me happens, and you have another great
day...fake your little heart.
Maggie: They won't fire Dr. Claus, he's being doing the weather for ever. Dr. Claus, not you
Dr. Claus: Auf wiedersein.
Maggie: Well if that's the way they're going to be, I don't care if they fire me.
Colleague: Oh God, I hope they don't fire me.
Patient: So, I thought maybe I was wrong about my wife wanting to work.
Jason: Then, we're making progress.
Patient: I took your advice. I told her, you don't wanna be at home anymore, fine.
Patient: Haven't seen her for three days.
Jason: I'm very sorry.
Patient: I'm not. I'm just waiting for the day she comes waddling home, with her tale between
her legs. Excuse me, Dr. Seaver, is that your chair ringing?
Jason: Yeah, my secretary will get it. Alright, time's up Mr. Lapepki, and we'll be meeting again
next week, but that will be back home, at my place.
Patient: Ah, I knew this place was too good to last.
Jason: Hey, Kevin, Kevin. Kevin did you get that call through to my wife?
Kevin: Yeah, they said she was in a meeting.
Paul: Hey, you got a minute, Jase?
Jason: Yeah sure, come on in. What is it?
Paul: Well, Phil called from Zurich this morning, he's taken a teaching job there.
Jason: Oh, you're kidding! What a great opportunity for him! Teaching and great cheese
whenever you want it.
Paul: Well, it's a great opportunity for him, but what about me? I mean, he's abandoned me,
just like my father did when I was a child; I was only five years old, which, as you know, is a
very vulnerable age.
Jason: Well there's a reason your father abandoned you, Paul; he hated you! Everybody hates
Paul: Is this the way you talk to all your patients?
Jason: Well, I do when I think they're trying to con me about something.
Paul: Oh, I don't believe this! After twenty years of friendship, college, professional
relationship! Jason, do you really think I'd be less than honest with you?
Jason: Oh yeah!
Paul: OK, you got me! But, wait a second now, here's the deal; how would you like to take
over from Phil here?
Jason: Are you serious?
Paul: Look, it's obvious you enjoy being here. And you'd fit in perfect, come on, what do you
Jason: Oh, well it's a very unexpected offer...a very attractive offer. Maybe we could do
something finally about that free clinic idea we had at lunch.
Jason: This is exactly the kind of work situation I've always dreamed of!
Paul: Ah Jason, fantastic!!
Jason: I can't do it.
Paul: Oh wait a second, I promise I'll never hug you again.
Jason: No, Paul I have a deal with Maggie. We have always believed that one of us should be
there for the kids at all times. It's her time for career opportunities, not mine!
Paul: Oh, come on, give me a break, Jase. I mean look, you can make a lot of money here,
and that's important for your family too. And besides, you're the man of the house, what you
say goes, right?
Jason: Well that's a very sexist thing to say...agreeable, but sexist.
Paul: Think Jase, this office can be yours, permanently. Yes, even the chair.
Jason: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you...I can't. No, I'm happy at home Paul.
Paul: Wait a second, you're happy?
Jason: I'm happy, I'm happy, ha ha ha ha!
Paul: Jase, are you sure you're not blocking or displacing or repressing...
Paul: Yes, you're repressing.
Jason: No, I'm not.
Paul: Well then, you're blocking.
Jason: No, no.
Paul: Yes you are.
Jason: No, no.
Paul: Are too.
Jason: Am not.
Paul: Are too!
Jason: Am not, am not.
Paul: Yeah, you just won't admit it!!
Jason: Am not! Am not! Am not! Am not!
Paul: Jason is blocking, blocking, blocking, blocking!
Ben: Hey, Mike check this out!
Mike: What the heck is that?
Ben: It's a laser light show machine that pulses with a jungle animal rhythm that cannot be
Mike: Too much of that laser light Ben, and you'll go blind.
Ben: It's for a part tomorrow.
Mike: What party?
Ben: The one I didn't tell you about. The one that's a secret from everybody, especially...
Jason: Hi guys. Go see Ben. There you go baby.
Carol: So, that brings us the end of my illustrious Softmore year. As a junior, I face the future
with... Dad, just because I'm being friendly doesn't mean I'm flirting. This is a perfectly
acceptable outfit, give me a break.
Frank: So, what do you think?
Jason: About what?
Frank: About the troubles in the Middle East! About this office!
Jason: Oh yes, it's getting there, it's really getting there. I just wish those Japanese screens
were over here, you know on this wall, over where Kevin sits. That's where...
Frank: Who's Kevin?
Jason: Kevin, my secretary. You know what I'm doing?
Frank: Not a clue.
Jason: I'm trying to make this room look like my office at work. All these suggestions that I
was making randomly; they're not random, that was my subconscious talking. All this time, I
thought I was tired of working in this room, no! What I'm tired of is working at home. Isn't
Frank: Hoo, I'm stunned!
Jason: Me too, I'm glad I figured this out. I mean, this changes...nothing. No, Maggie put her
career on hold for fifteen years to stay home with the kids, now it's my turn. That was our
Jason: Yes, right, of course it is!! But still, would you pass up an opportunity like this?
Frank: Well I...
Jason: I didn't think so. Let me ask you this; do you think that a man should be boss, do you
think what a man says goes?
Frank: Well, that's a pretty sexist thing to say...agreeable but sexist.
Jason: Well, I don't feel that way. I feel that if Maggie's happy at her job...and by the way, I'm
not so sure Maggie is all that happy at her job. In fact that may not even be her job any more,
if they decided who they're gonna fire! Ho ho, wouldn't that be something if Maggie got
canned!!! No, no, I didn't mean that.
Maggie: Hello, Jason, anybody home?
Jason: Oh, hi honey.
Maggie: Hi honey, how was your day?
Jason: Well errm, to tell you, since you asked, there was something I kind of wanted to talk
Maggie: Mine was absolutely, without a doubt, the most...fabulous day of my entire life!! Not
only did they not fire me they... You are looking at the core of channel nineteen's new news
team. From now on we're a hard news network, and I am their number one hard news
reporter! They don't want to fire me, they want to sign me to a seven year contract!!!
Jason: Seven years.
Maggie: Honey, is something wrong?
Jason: No. No, no, that's fantastic, unexpected news. Ho ho. Seven years.
Maggie: Oh, I'm sorry I cut you off, sweetheart, what was it you wanted to say?
Jason: Well, errm...it doesn’t' compare to your news.
Maggie: Seven years!!