Growing Pains 507
Receptionist: Mike Seaver!
Mike: Here's my number then.
Auditioner: Hello, Mike.
Mike: Oh, hi, very nice to meet you.
Auditioner: Are those prop books?
Mike: Err...oh, oh, no. See, I go to Alf Landen Junior College. In fact that's where I'm
supposed to be right now, but when I read about this open audition for a TV show, I cut class.
Oh, and you got Morgan Chase...wow. I should shut up, right?
Auditioner: Mike, I usually get eight by tens for my actors.
Mike: Oh, oh, well...ah...see I'm just starting out, so I'm using two by threes. But I'm gonna
work my way up.
Auditioner: What kind of experience do you have?
Mike: Ah, well...errm...I auditioned for a play at the Lincoln Centre, and I auditioned for the
Swimmy the happy fish commercial, and I was this close to being a roll-on deodorant.
Auditioner: Now, this shoot's next Thursday, will you be available?
Mike: I got the part! I got the part!
Auditioner: No, Mike, Mike, I'm just checking you're availability. Do you have school that day?
Mike: I'll drop out!
Auditioner: OK. Let's give this a try...err...you're reading for Officer Bukowski, I'll read Officer
Sarah's lines. Now, you've just been shot. You can stand. Bukowski, I'm sorry, that bullet was
meant for me; why'd you do it?
Mike: Ah...it doesn't matter what happens to me Sarah, but you've got a family who loves
Auditioner: Hang on, there's an ambulance on the way.
Mike: Sarah, I'm not gonna make Sergeant, am I?
Auditioner: Thank you.
Mike: You're welcome.
Auditioner: No, see, you're supposed to say goodbye, now.
Mike: Oh, oh, right. Goodbye.
Auditioner: Ha. He reminds me of a young Michael J. Fox.
Ben: You mean it? Really? Yes! Alright!
Carol: Good news, Ben?
Ben: The best of my life! I'm in the bake sale!
Jason: Maybe I've been sending you mixed signals, Ben. You want to go and toss the old
Ben: No, Dad. See, the lovely Laura-Lynn's running the bake sale. I mean, how can she ignore
a dude with three hundred chocolate-chip cookies, melting in his hands. Oh, by the way Mom,
I'll need those by tomorrow.
Maggie: Hold on, Ben. You think, you can just tell me to make three hundred cookies, and
Ben: Mom, you're the greatest.
Mike: Mom! Dad! The coolest thing happened today! You're never gonna guess what happened!
Go on, take a guess! No, you'll never guess!
Carol: You're in the bake sale, too.
Mike: No. No, look, a bunch of us guys from acting class, we all went to this open audition,
and...are you ready for this? I am going to be...oh this is so cool, you can't even believe it...on
ABC's hit series, New York Heat!
Maggie: You got a part on television!
Mike: Yeah! On New York Heat! Produced...produced by Mr. Aaron Spelling.
Jason: Starring Morgan Chase!
Jason: You're gonna meet her!
Jason: Woo woo! She's a... She's very talented.
Mike: Yeah Dad, and I play Officer Bukowski, the heroic rookie cop, who takes a bullet and
dies in the line of duty!
Jason: You die!
Maggie: Oh, that's wonderful!!
Carol: Well, why did they pick you, over a real actor?
Mike: A real actor? Ah. You know, I know we teased each other a lot over the years, Carol,
but...I...I thought that maybe this time you'd understand; I mean this is my big break. I
thought that just for maybe once, you'd be happy for me.
Carol: I was only kidding. I mean, that's just what Mike and I do.
Jason: Yeah, well maybe this time you've gone a little too far, Carol.
Carol: I'll go and apologise.
Mike: Not a real actor, rat breath.
Mike: No, no, no, Operah, my first role was not opposite De Niro in Street; it was on New York
Heat. You know what, Operah, we have something in common...I'll tell you, I'll tell you...
When I was on the cover of TV guide, they used Anne Margaret's body too.
Ben: Hey, Mike...
Mike: Oh, hey, hey, hey Benny! Did you hear the great news?
Ben: Yeah; you're gonna be on New York Heat.
Mike: Right! Did Mom and Dad tell you?
Ben: No, I heard Carol talking on the phone. She'd been calling all her friends and bragging
Mike: This is our sister you're talking about?
Ben: Yeah, the one with the constipated look.
Mike: Well, well, well. This is very interesting.
Ben: You know, I always knew you'd end up on TV. But, I figured it would be on the News.
Mike: Hey, as long as you're here, you wanna help me run my lines?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, look. OK, now you can play, Officer Sarah McCauley.
Ben: You mean, Morgan Chase?
Ben: Ho ho ho!
Mike: Yeah, OK, alright. Now, I've just been shot, OK? What are you doing?
Ben: I'm getting into character.
Mike: OK. Bang! Ah...ah.
Ben: Oh, Bukowski, that bullet was meant for me; why'd you do it?
Mike: Oh...it doesn't matter what happens to me, Sarah, but you've got a family who loves
Ben: Hang on, there's an ambulance on the way.
Mike: Sarah, I'm not gonna make Sergeant, am I?
Ben: I see this every day, and I never get used to it.
Jason: Ben, homework, or no homework, we're tossing the football around.
Ben: Dad, see, we were just err...
Jason: Go on! I've gotta talk to Mike...and Ben, don't let your mother see you with those
Mike: Dad, Dad, look, I was doing my homework, alright? So, look, you don't have to worry,
this...this part is not gonna interfere with my homework at all.
Jason: Forget school!
Jason: Could you get me Morgan Chase's autograph?
Director: Stand-in!! You ready?
Director: Roll 'em! Slate it! In one-twelve, take one! Marker! And...action! Wait for the cue...
Gunshot!! Gunshot!! Switch!! And...action!
Actor: Bukowski's been hit!
Morgan Chase: Bukowski, I'm sorry! That bullet was meant for me! Why'd you do it?
Mike: Sarah, it doesn't matter what happens to me, but you have a family who loves you.
Morgan Chase: Hang on! There's an ambulance on the way.
Morgan Chase: Yeah.
Mike: I'm not gonna make Sergeant, am I?
Morgan Chase: You're just a kid. I see this every day, and I never get used to it.
Director: And cut!!! Was it good for you. OK, we got it. Let's move into closure. Nice job, kid!
Mike: Thank you, Richard. Hey, I owe you, Paul. Gracias, PJ. Dude! He said, nice job!! You
wanna congratulate me? He took the time to personally, call me, kid. Aha!
Morgan Chase: Excuse me, Mike.
Mike: Wow, she knows me, by name.
Maggie: Ben, I made your cookies. Took me all day, but that's the joy of being the selfless
mother, I am.
Ben: Mom, I forgot to tell you; I dropped out of the bake sale.
Ben: Well, see, when I told Laura-Lynn that Mike was gonna be on TV, she got all excited, so
who needs cookies?
Jason: Want me to hold him, while you smack him around?
Maggie: I want you to sit down, right here young man, and eat these cookies...all three
hundred of them.
Mike: They liked me...they really liked me!!
Mike: Yeah! Yeah Dad, and the Director himself said, nice job!
Jason: Well that's great, Mike.
Maggie: That's great, honey!
Mike: Yeah, yeah, here's my contract, look! It says, Michael Seaver, here and after the artist. I
am now legally an artist.
Ben: I'll get it.
Jason: Alright, our son's first contract. We're gonna get this framed, Mike!
Ben: Mike, it's Tony from the acting class.
Mike: Oh, oh, right. We gotta study tonight...errm... Tell him I'll call him back later.
Ben: He'll call you back later.
Jason: And I'm glad to hear, you're keeping up with your school work too.
Mike: Oh yeah, and Dad here's your autographed picture of Morgan Chase.
Jason: Oh!! Where'd you get the idea, I'd want one of those?
Mike: From you, Dad.
Jason: Carol, your brother knocked 'em dead today on New York Heat.
Carol: It's just a stupid TV show.
Mike: That hurts, Carol. You know, that really, really hurts.
Carol: Mom, he was just acting again. He's a good actor.
Jason: Well go tell him that.
Maggie: She had to have this re-touched, nobody is this gorgeous.
Jason: Oh...somebody is.
Maggie: Too little, too late.
Mike:(on the phone) I am not crazy, Tony. I have a reason for not studying for this test
tomorrow. Look, with my acting career taking off, I don't need to study, I'm dropping out of
school. Yeah, Tony, I'm serious. Look, I don't want you telling any one yet, alright? So just put
a sock in your big... Carol! Look, Tony, I'll talk to you later, OK? Of course, I'm not dropping
out of school, Tony, I was just kidding! Yeah, alright. Later. (puts the phone down) Oh, man,
this acting stuff is almost too easy.
Carol: You weren't acting! You're really gonna quit school over one crummy acting job on one
stupid TV show!
Maggie: You're calling a TV show on ABC, stupid!
Carol: Yes, if it means you're gonna quit! Mike, think, or get as close to it as you can. I mean,
what if this job was a fluke? I mean, what if you never work again? What if, this is the
beginning of the end? A painful, lonely, bitter end, with your family as your only solace!
Mike: What if I flush you down my toilet?
Carol: I'd see your future there!
Maggie: Oh, oh, you know Carol, I should have known that Ben was crazy when he told me
that you were bragging to all you friends about me!!
Mike: You have never, ever, in your entire life, believed in me. So how could you possibly
understand this now? What I want you to do, is just keep your mouth shut until I tell Mom and
Dad the news, after they see me on TV! OK, can you do that, huh, huh?
Carol: Mike, whether you know it or not, I love you, I support you, I'm on your side.
Mike: Well, I don't know what to say.
Carol: See, anybody can act! Bozo!
Ben: Five minutes to New York Heat.
Maggie: That's right, Mom, he plays Bukowski, the heroic rookie who takes a bullet and dies in
the line of duty. Oh, and you'll call Mark and Stacey for me? Great, thanks.
Jason: Is there anyone on Long Island who doesn't know that Mike's on TV tonight?
Mike: In less than five minutes, I will be seen by Producers and agents all across the country
and they will be beating a path to my door. Wo ho, they're early!
Ben: No Mike, this is my lovely date. Stinky, what are you doing here?
Stinky: Hey Mike, thanks for having me at your debut.
Mike: Oh sure, hey it's real...
Ben: It's about time!
Ben: For the show to start. But you're as punctual as always, dear.
Laura-Lynn: That's better.
Ben: I'm sure you remember my brother.
Laura-Lynn: It's always enchanting to meet someone who's tasted celebrity. Stinky...fetch.
May I have your autograph?
Mike: Oh, wow, sure!
Laura-Lynn: Sign it, to Laura, the sexiest blonde I know, your obedient servant, Michael
Maggie: OK, I'll get the lemonade; you kids pick your seats.
Ben: So, would you like to see the room where Mike grew up?
Laura-Lynn: Oh, that'd be lovely
Ben: This shirt used to be Mike's.
Ben: And the pants!
Carol: So, Mike have you dropped your bomb yet?
Stinky: No, that was me. I'm sorry.
Mike: Listen, Carol, I need one more hour of silence. Can you do that?
Jason: OK, everybody sitting close together. I wanna get everybody in this shot.
Mike: Dad! You're taping the show, and you're taping us watching it?
Jason: Yes I am.
Mike: OK, Mom, Dad, after the show I have a little announcement I'd like to make.
Carol: And you'll want to make sure you save plenty of tape for that.
(Watching New York Heat on TV)
Morgan Chase:(TV)I'm telling you you're making the biggest mistake of your life. You caught
me at a bad time chief, can I call you back after I finish showering? There he is! He's about to
make his move. Alright, get your hands up!
Mike: This is it! This is it!
Actor:(TV) Bukowski's been hit!
Morgan Chase: Bukowski! I'm sorry, that bullet was meant for me! Hang on, there's an
ambulance on the way.
Mike: They cut my lines!
Maggie: You were wonderful! I'll get the cake!
Mike: Forget the cake! Don't you guys understand? My...my...my part ended up on the cutting
Jason: Well, don't be so hard on yourself. You were just on National TV!
Mike: But Dad, don't you get it, my lines were cut!
Stinky: I thought you were gonna talk in this show.
Mike: So did I.
Maggie: Oh, but honey when you got shot, you did a wonderful fall.
Mike: Mom, that was a stunt man!
Jason: The cough, the cough! It was a heck of a cough!
Mike: Dad, it wasn't even my cough; they dubbed it! I mean, he went, hahaha, and I went
Laura-Lynn: And I let you grope me for that! I feel so dirty.
Maggie: Oh, oh the credits.
Jason: Yeah, come on Mike! Let's get this in perspective here. Let's look at what you have
Mike: Coughing Boy!! Michael Weaver!!
Stinky: Well, I had a lovely evening. Night Mike, Carol, doctor and Mrs. Weaver.
Maggie: Oh, honey, don't be upset. It was your first job, you did OK.
Jason: Yeah Mike, come on! They picked you! They payed you! They said you did a good job.
Think of it as a learning experience.
Carol: Sort of like school.
Jason: Well, on a happier note...errm... Mike, what's the big announcement?
Mike: Announcement? Well err...
Carol: I'll tell them, Mike.
Mike: Err... No you won't.
Carol: Yes I will.
Mike: No, Carol.
Carol: Well, it's just that, you two shouldn't worry this'll go to Mike's head and make him drop
out of school; because Mike knows he has a lot to learn, right Mike?
Mike: Err... Yeah!
Maggie: Mike, that's a very mature point of view.
Jason: I never doubted you for a minute. Let's eat that cake.
Mike: Alright, so what's going on here Carol? You covered for me.
Carol: OK, I'll admit it, I'm not totally grossed out to be related to you.
Mike: Oh, come on, don't go getting all mushy on me.
Carol: It's just that when I say you on TV before, I felt something about you that I've never
felt before...it's pride.
Mike: Carol, you're....err...proud of me?
Carol: Yeah. Who knew?
Mike: So you really were bragging to all your friends about me?
Carol: Bragging is such a strong word.
Mike: So you really meant it when you talked about being on my side and supporting me and
Carol and Mike: Don't tell anyone about this.
Maggie and Jason: Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa!